Ask Me Help Desk - I am really freaked out

Hey there Chel - as a female, I am here to tell you that what you are talking about losing, your virginity, is more precious to you than you will know until you no longer have that standing. I know at 14, a person can feel great love for a person. I do not doubt that you have deep feelings for this boy. However, I hope you will place more emphasis on your self-respect than you do on what he or any friends might say.

I know you are probably wanting to experience life, so to speak. That is normal. We have a sexual drive and in my opinion are given this as a gift to be used at the appropriate time to become one with another person and to drive us to create life. You have so much in front of you to experience before you give this part of yourself to another person. As with any gift, we have a choice as to when to use it and how to regard it.

Once a girl has given themselves to a guy, too many times, the guy moves on to experience another and another and leaves young girls confused and feeling depressed that they gave away something so precious to someone who regarded it with so little respect. Also, once a girl has experienced having sex, it is doubtful they will stop with that one experience and wait. Too many times, the girl goes on to be with others also. I am not saying you would. Please do not misunderstand. I think you feel like this is the right person for you and he probably is for right now: the right person to date, to have fun with, to share with, to confide in, to cry with at times, to experience a dating relationship with, on which you will build a foundation on which to build future relationships on, but not to share the part of your body and soul that is uniquely yours and precious.

I know young girls are having sex at earlier ages now but believe me when I say that having sex and making love are two completely different experiences and making love comes later in your life, when you have grown in maturity, your ability to love will have grown.

Peer pressure can feel scary. It wasn't for me just by way of my stubborn streak of standing firm in what I wanted for my life. I would just dig my heels in so to speak and stand my ground. But peer pressure can weigh heavy on anyone. Not everyone is as stubborn as me! LOL I also think perhaps peer pressure is stronger in this area now because we see so much on TV and movies, etc. that it seems because it is so 'out there' it must be okay.

One should learn the art of touching hands and looking deep into each other's eyes and reading what kind of person this is. One should learn the art of kissing, delicately and with much commitment, not just to get from one step to the other. This should all be given time to be developed over a period of years of dating, having fun, learning about yourself and others. One should learn to know the boundaries of when to stop before getting to the place of giving in or pursuing. Too many times it is left up to the female to say when to stop, not always but most guys won't stop unless asked to. It should not get that far right now.

Please give yourself time to just have fun, date, run around with your friends. The is the only body you will have. Choose well. : )

You've gotten a lot of good advice here...
One very, very important one is that you really legally have to be 16. And, I don't care what his 'brother' or anyone else has to say, you should not do anything without talking to the potential partner in this relationship. If I were you, I would have told his brother to bug off and mind his own business. And would have wondered if he told you because he thinks it interesting or if your boyfriend sent him to give you this very important and 'intimate' message. If he sent his brother, then he is not mature enough to hold a decent conversations, let alone have sex!

Have you talked about it with him? If so, what was his response - please tell us what he said... it's important to check the maturity of someone who wants to take such a big step with you - especially if he is ready to pay for the legal consequences, potential pregnancy, and don't forget that without proper protection, there is always a risk of contracting diseases that could ruin both of your futures.

For goodness sake, both of you are going through physical growth and emotional roller-coasters - puberty does a few more things than just put hair on chest and let boobs grow - it creates hormones that can confuse you too. That's the test part of growing up to adulthood, some pass it, some don't... and believe me, this is something that influences us for the rest of our lives even if we try to forget it when it went wrong - it will not go away. That's why therapists will never be out of jobs...

Get to know each other better, talk to each other about educational plans, career plans (you can't live off your parents or state all your lives) so what do you plan on doing and what about him? There are a million things that you still have to know about each other first such as music, entertainment, favorite food, favorite literature and how he acts in public when you are around - also when you are not around. Does he treat you right and can he hold his temper and keep promises? Does he compliment you and take you home to his parents? What do your parents think about him? If you only get along when you are alone and somehow don't get along with the rest of your world - then you really need to think hard.

You state that you are sure that he's the right one for you... boy if I got 1/2 pound for every time I hear that from young girls and boys, I'd be very rich now. The truth is, that unless you can communicate and bond on a stronger emotional level (not physical) - it will never work. Something will always get in the way unless you are absolutely certain.

Remember one thing, once you give up your virginity - you'll never get it back! So, make darned sure that everything else fits with this guy - and still wait until you are both of legal age.

If you like and respect each other, you can wait... and don't let a brother, or anyone else talk you into something you are not ready for.

Whatever you do, it's your choice and you will have to live with it. I just wish you have enough respect to do the right thing before taking one of the biggest steps any one of us women ever take in our lives - and it should be a wonderful experience - not peer-pressured and something that we regret so much that it leaves an untasteful mark for the rest of our lives.

Good luck dear,
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Do you have an adult in the family that you can confide in? - How about your Mom?

Dearest Chelo,

You "think" he is the right one. Not until you "know" for sure he is the right one to give the most precious part of yourself.

My mom had 5 girls and I wish I could send Mom your way. She managed to instill in all
Of us to respect our bodies. To know, our bodies is the most precious thing we have, and the only thing that we have.

To be proud of our bodies and never ever let a boy touch us in any way until we were much older.

When you give of yourself in that way, you also give your spirit and you soul, and once given, it can't ever be returned.

I was 21 before I made that choice to have that special someone be with me in that special way. And I tell you to this day, everyday, it makes me shine inside to know, I never gave of myself, to all those high hormone driven boys, who didn't even truly know my spirit or me. That had one thing on their mind and I would have given away the most precious part of me, when I wasn't even developed completely inside.

This is a time for you to have fun, shape who you are, love and hold yourself up high, and know that special day will come, but it is much too early and would do nothing but afterwards make you confused and possibly hurt your very soul and spirit.

You're a young girl today - Enjoy it and never do anything that you are no where near ready to do.

I'm proud of you, that you know, you just are not ready, to have someone take from you, what you just are not ready to give. Hold on to it sweetheart - and keep it precious.

Allheart my dear, had to spread it.

You really said it well - straight from the heart!

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Hey sweetie,

You are 14, only 3 years older than my stepdaughter. Her father and I tell her all the time that she needs to go to school, go to college, get life experience so she never has to depend on a man to take care of her. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I watched girls in my high school (im now 24) become moms and have to drop out for a year for their baby, then struggle when they got back, just so they could graduate. I had so many boyfriends between the ages of 14 and 20, and I even thought that one or two of them were 'the one'. I met my husband when I was 19 and got married when I was 20. First, this boy should not have asked his brother to tell you because if he's man enough to have sex, then he's got to be man enough to talk to YOU about it. And second, if his brother is much older, he should have given his younger brother the same advice that you seek on here. Your virginity is so precious, it's a gift that you can give only once in your life. Make sure you give it to someone who will appreciate it. Give yourself a chance to grow into a woman. Many good thoughts and wishes to you.

I forgot to ad that if you're freaked out, then that's your bodies way of telling you that you aren't ready. When you're ready, you'll know. You'll be excited, happy, and on cloud 9, but you won't be scared or nervous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chameleon

hey sweetie,

you are 14, only 3 years older than my stepdaughter. her father and i tell her all the time that she needs to go to school, go to college, get life experience so she never has to depend on a man to take care of her. you are so young and have so much ahead of you. i watched girls in my high school (im now 24) become moms and have to drop out for a year for their baby, then struggle when they got back, just so they could graduate. i had so many boyfriends between the ages of 14 and 20, and i even thought that one or two of them were 'the one'. i met my husband when i was 19 and got married when i was 20. first, this boy should not have asked his brother to tell you because if hes man enough to have sex, then hes gotta be man enough to talk to YOU about it. and second, if his brother is much older, he should have given his younger brother the same advice that you seek on here. Your virginity is so precious, its a gift that you can give only once in your life. Make sure you give it to someone who will appreciate it. give yourself a chance to grow into a woman. many good thoughts and wishes to you.

i forgot to ad that if you're freaked out, then thats your bodies way of telling you that you arent ready. when you're ready, youll know. youll be excited, happy, and on cloud 9, but you wont be scared or nervous.

Thank you all for your suppport

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelocs14

i am 14 and my boyfirend is 14 coming 15. his brother told me that he wanted to have sex with me, what do i do. i am thinking of saying i will but not until i am on the pill and am over the age of 16.

I am glad that you want to wait. Please remember that the pill will help prevent pregnancy, but is not 100%. Teenagers have a higher failure rate because they tend to forget to take the pill on a regular basis. The pill will also not protect you from diseases that can cause lifetime problems or even death.

I have read all the posts and you have gotten really good advise. The problem I have is that you got this message from the brother. I just got a really bad feeling when reading this. Please do not be in a position where you are left alone with this young man. Unless you have had an honest discussion with your boyfriend, you can't be sure that he even said that. This could all be in the brother's imagination. I'm no psychic, but it gives me the creeps that the brother would even suggesting this to you.

Take care and know we are here to support you.

Tell him that you aren't ready, and that you want your first time to be special.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysWriting

Tell him that you aren't ready, and that you want your first time to be special.

Well, that's short and to the point and may actually get the job done!