Ask Me Help Desk - I think my mom's too paranoid

I think my mom's too paranoid

I don't mean to sound rude or ungrateful, but I think my mom can be a little too paranoid/controlling. I know I'm young (14) but I don't think she gives me enough space to do anything. She thinks just because her little sister got pregnant at 16, that I'm going to make the same wrong decisions my aunt made. I know she is just trying to look out for me but I think she is taking it way too far. Like once I asked her if I could start running in the mornings like at 4 am to try and stay in shape and maybe lose a few pounds and she told me this, I quote "No babe, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. There are just some weird people out there and I don't want anything to happen to my baby. I don't need you getting abducted by some weirdo." we live in a neighborhood where everyone knows everyone and I asked her this a few months ago. Seriously, I'm going to high school in less than 2 months and she treats me like I'm 5. I can't even take the dog for a walk without her saying "Call me if you have any problems." she thinks just because I had a date to my dinner dance that if I'm going for a walk I'm going to meet "that boy" to go make-out, I take that as an insult because I'm better than that and I am far more mature mentally than she thinks. I wish I could talk to her about this problem because it's hurting my feelings that she would think that I would go that low as to do that kind of stuff behind her back, but I don't know how to approach this issue without hurting her feelings. Do you have any advice you could give me. I didn't mean to sound rude in any way, so sorry if I did. Please I need some advice on how I could talk to her about it without sounding you know, like a spoiled rotten brat.

And it is because there are 1000's of teens ( we see them here) that all think at 12 or 14 they are grown.

And out running at 4 in the morning, you would not be doing that at 16, I have to say a 14 year old has no business out that time of the morning, your mom is so right.

I guess yes you are sounding rude and ungrateful and actually it sounds like your mom is a lot more right than you believe.

I don't have much advice to give. I think you mother is on the right track... it's unfortunate, but this is a parent's job to be paranoid/overprotective and help you become a healthy successful adult.

It doesn't sound like she doesn't trust you, so your feelings shouldn't really be hurt. It just sounds like she loves you. As parents we don't want to think of anything happening to our babies. You'll still be her baby even when you're 35. :)

She's protecting you. Do you ever watch the news? There are women in their 20s and 30s that get kidnapped/raped/assaulted while out jogging in "safe" neighborhoods. Especially at 4am, it's unlikely that any of your neighbors would be out so if something did happen, you wouldn't have any extra eyes watching. I'm sure you hear this all the time, but times have changed [okay, roll your eyes now]. But it's the truth. Gone are the days when you can leave your doors unlocked or the neighbors kept an eye on each others' kids. Things are just... different.

As for thinking you're making out with a boy- well all moms think that! She was 14 once so she knows all about raging hormones. She's just nervous because she wants the best for you. Just keep your relationship open and honest and you will gain more freedoms over time.

The others are right. I'm not even a parent and I still wouldn't want you out at 4 am. And so what if she tells you to call if something goes wrong? She's letting you out of the house.
And it seems like its those "safest" neighborhoods where the most horrific murders always happen... be grateful your mom cares.

Yes, it is dark at 4 am! Even still at 5 am... I would know since I had to work a few overnighters this week and got off at 5... I don't even like having to walk to my own door at that time. And I live in a safe neighborhood too.

I know what kind of world I live in, I'm not some person who lives under a rock and ignores the news , but I don't think my mom should smother me because I have to grow up sometime. And if she is so paranoid why can't she get off her big butt and come with me to shed a few extra pounds and bond with her daughter? She is never home and it's my summer vacation and it has sucked because she won't let me do anything. I have not been able to do anything outside and it has been 70 and sunny, I actually miss school because I was actually busy and was able to go outside. I believe it is unfair for me not to be able to do anything at all when it is nice and sunny except sit on the couch and get fat. Plus the whole 4 am thing was just a time I threw in I could go at 5 or 6 and who are you people to tell me that it is dark where I live? You don't even know where I live and plus my dad was cool with it, my mom is the one being difficult. Plus there hasn't been any "horrific murders" in our neighborhood and I doubt there ever will because there is only old people and the lord knows they can't do anything without breaking a hip. And the whole making out with a boy thing, she never thought that of me before until now and I think I have the right to be offended by that. I'm not like her or her sister and she has failed to see that. I have had more control of my actions at my age than most of the people I know, and who is she to think that just because I'm taking the dog out for a walk means that I'm going to sleep around. I think it is just unfair for her to think I'm going to make the same stupid decisions she made and my aunt made. It's not my fault my aunt made bad decisions so why should I have to take the fall?

First of all, abductions,kidnappings, sexual assaults actually usually happen by people you think you know or your family knows. It happens in neighborhoods that you think you can trust people but your mom is right. It is not being paranoid.

Most people have bad things happens that are actually by friends, relatives or neighbors.

Everybody else answered your question and I just wanted to make a point that even in a so called safe neighborhood where you think you know it is safe. It is not.

Look your 14 you have no business, nor does anybody, being outside at 4a.m.

If you don't want to get fat and slob on the couch all day then pick up the paper and look for places where you can volunteer; retirement homes, animal shelters, charity events. If your worried about getting fat then go on Videojug and look up excercises and follow the videos at home.

If taking a walk is so important to you why don't you ask your mother if you and her can go-- maybe after dinner or at sunset. See now you can bond.

I was your age too- I thought I knew everything. Wake up. Your only 14 of course your mom is going to be on your case- I wish mine was maybe I wouldn't have gotten into the wrong crowd, maybe I wouldn't have had lots of things happen because of my poor choices and be left to fend for myself.

Sarah

You seem to be very articulate and intelligent for your age. Try talking to your mom and maybe you can compromise by running @ 6 or 7 am instead of 4. Your mommy only wants the best for you.

Why the hell would I want to watch exercise TV. I would rather get outside. You people are missing the point. Why don't you people spend a day with my mom and you will see what I'm talking about. My dad even thinks she worries too much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

i know what kind of world i live in, i'm not some person who lives under a rock and ignores the news , but i don't think my mom should smother me because i have to grow up sometime. and if she is so paranoid why can't she get off her big butt and come with me to shed a few extra pounds and bond with her daughter? she is never home and it's my summer vacation and it has sucked because she won't let me do anything. i have not been able to do anything outside and it has been 70 and sunny, i actually miss school because i was actually busy and was able to go outside. i believe it is unfair for me not to be able to do anything at all when it is nice and sunny except sit on the couch and get fat. plus the whole 4 am thing was just a time i threw in i could go at 5 or 6 and who are you people to tell me that it is dark where i live? you don't even know where i live and plus my dad was cool with it, my mom is the one being difficult. plus there hasn't been any "horrific murders" in our neighborhood and i doubt there ever will because there is only old people and the lord knows they can't do anything without breaking a hip. and the whole making out with a boy thing, she never thought that of me before until now and i think i have the right to be offended by that. i'm not like her or her sister and she has failed to see that. i have had more control of my actions at my age than most of the people i know, and who is she to think that just because i'm taking the dog out for a walk means that i'm going to sleep around. i think it is just unfair for her to think i'm going to make the same stupid decisions she made and my aunt made. it's not my fault my aunt made bad decisions so why should i have to take the fall?

Yes, now I totally understand.

Well now I am seeing an attitude that isn't even very mature.

You are the one who is really missing the point.

You live under her roof, by her rules. When you are older, you will appreciate the concern and caring that she is showing as a mother.

In addition to how you will feel when it is your own child that wants to be out at for a.m. Maybe you should run around the basement, or find another alternative for exercise.

Oh my god lady you are still missing the point! It's not about the running it is about my mom treating me like I'm going to make the same bad decisions SHE and HER SISTER made. It's about me needing some space and a chance to do what I want to do. She wouldn't even let me pick my own classes for high school. How do you think I feel?

You are still missing the point.

Raise your own children differently, if you feel so strongly about it.

Until then, her house, her rules and your protection.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

oh my god lady you are still missing the point! it's not about the running it is about my mom treating me like i'm going to make the same bad decisions SHE and HER SISTER made. it's about me needing some space and a chance to do what i want to do. she wouldn't even let me pick my own classes for high school. how do you think i feel?

No, YOU are missing the point. You are too young to be making the decisions you think you should make for yourself. If you were my child, you would have daily chores, would be learning to cook and bake, would be reading at least one book a week, would be volunteering somewhere, would be helping people in your neighborhood (for free), and would not wear clothes that I hadn't helped you pick out.

Please post here when your daughter is 14.

I am curious to know "what do you want to do?"

Give some examples besides wanting to jog at 4am. I can understand the school thing but so far I only see you having a concern mom. Be grateful because some kids don't even have that.

Are you saying that I don't already do most of that stuff? I am able to move out of the house in 3 1/2 years thank you very much plus this post was about asking how I could talk to my mom about this not YOUR opinions about my age and decision making. And who says I even want kids? Who are you people to assume that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

I am curious to know "what do you want to do?"

Give some examples besides wanting to jog at 4am. I can understand the school thing but so far I only see you having a concern mom. Be grateful because some kids don't even have that.

She is just too controlling. Like she doesn't like the idea of me having friends of a different gender, and I'ts not about the jogging. I just feel as though she is keeping me in a cage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

she is just too controlling. like she doesn't like the idea of me having friends of a different gender, and i'ts not about the jogging. i just feel as though she is keeping me in a cage.

"a different gender"? - like boys? Smart lady!

So you have regular chores, volunteer somewhere, help neighbors, read at least one book a week, and know how to cook and bake?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

are you saying that i don't already do most of that stuff? i am able to move out of the house in 3 1/2 years thank you very much plus this post was about asking how i could talk to my mom about this not YOUR opinions about my age and decision making. and who says i even want kids? who are you people to assume that?

Oh, the tone, the tone!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

"a different gender"? - like boys? Smart lady!

So you have regular chores, volunteer somewhere, help neighbors, read at least one book a week, and know how to cook and bake?

Besides the volunteering because she won't let me, yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

besides the volunteering because she won't let me, yes.

So the book you are currently reading is what? And the one you just finished is what? Name five ingedients that go into brownies. Please list the chores you do every day.

I understand how it feels to have a mother that you think is overbearing but she has your best interest at heart.

My mom was the same and I use to say "I am never going be that way if I have a daughter" in my head. However, guess what? I have a daughter and is the same way.

I used to say to myself "I can't wait when I get older to move out and be free" but guess what? Now I realized I had it easy because I didn't have to worry about bills and only had to follow rules.

Be lucky you don't have an Army dad because things could be worst. Believe me! My dad was in the Army and he ran the house like a boot camp.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

besides the volunteering because she won't let me, yes.

Have you asked her or are you just assuming? I'm sure your mother would let you volunteer it is an added plus for your future.

Sarah

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So the book you are currently reading is what? And the one you just finished is what? Name five ingedients that go into brownies. Please list the chores you do every day.

I am currently reading "STOTAN!" by chris crutcher and I just finished "The Moscow Vector" by robert ludlum. Five ingredients that go into brownies are flour,sugar,chocolate,eggs,and baking powder. Wash laundry, fold laundry, dishes, vacuum, dust, clean the kitchen after every meal, clean out the cat box, feed the dog and cats, keep my room clean, take care of my younger brother until my parents get home from work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

i am currently reading "STOTAN!" by chris crutcher and i just finished "The Moscow Vector" by robert ludlum. five ingredients that go into brownies are flour,sugar,chocolate,eggs,and baking powder. wash laundry, fold laundry, dishes, vacuum, dust, clean the kitchen after every meal, clean out the cat box, feed the dog and cats, keep my room clean, take care of my younger brother until my parents get home from work.

You do realize Ludlum is dead, don't you?

What is the ingeniously dangerous weapon that Dudarev plans to use to reinstitute the Soviet Union?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You do realize Ludlum is dead, don't you?

I didn't say it was a new book and plus there were two authors ludlum and Patrick Larkin and it was a bio-weapon that was made to strike a particular person by their DNA from within the body without leaving a trace of its passage

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

i didn't say it was a new book and plus there were two authors ludlum and Patrick Larkin and it was the mysterious "disease"

Ludlum was already dead when this book came out.

It isn't a good idea to bash the answers you don't like. This only shows the immature side of you. Everyone is going you their honest opinon even if you don't want to hear it.

Your mom isn't abusing nor neglecting you. She is only a concern parent. No matter what your going have to live by her rules.

Now you need to apolgize to the people you gave a reddie and read the rules on the rating system.

We all are older than you so show come respect. Even though you might not see it, we all are giving you our honest feedback to your question.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

i didn't say it was a new book and plus there were two authors ludlum and Patrick Larkin and it was a bio-weapon that was made to strike a particular person by their DNA from within the body without leaving a trace of its passage

Good copying and pasting! Which person's DNA?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Good copying and pasting! Which person's DNA?

1) did you read the book
2)what makes you think I copied it and pasted it
3) this is not what I was asking so stop wasting space on this thread
4) if you really want to talk about this book go join a book club

Look I don't want to get involved in this banter, but I do want to say that if you want to see some changes with your mother - then you need to talk to her - choose your time - and make a good argument for what you'd like to change.

You then need to show that you can follow through and be trusted.

Fourteen is young. I have a 14 year old daughter and I feel that it's my responsibility to protect, guide and nurture her. So, she can't do everything she wants.

However, if she wants to do something, and she can provide me with assurance that: - she is mature enough to handle whatever it is - she will be safe - etc, etc, then I am prepared to consider her request.

If your mother is over protective - then provide her with proof that you will be protected in whatever activity it is that you're proposing. Running at 4 am (was that a typo?) does not fit with this, so of course she's going to refuse.

You need to approach her with a plan. For example - "this is what I would like to do, and this is how I will ensure that your requirements for my safety are looked after". Start with small things and then once she knows you're responsible and she can trust you, you can progress to bigger things. Ask her to give you a little more freedom for a month, as a trial, and then she can re-evaluate.

Don't get cross with her, and take it slowly. Remember she's letting go of her protectiveness and this will take time.

Have you got a mobile phone? If not, get one and she can then ring you to ensure that you're OK when you're out or not around her. Try to make sure she always knows where you are and who you're with.

Good luck!

You little girl have a terrible attitude. It shows for your age. You need to get your act together. Start listening to your mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

You little girl have a terrible attitude. It shows for your age. You need to get your act together. Start listening to your mother.

Who says I don't listen to my mother? I do listen to my mother and you are just a lady with a bad attitude towards the younger population.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandgeek121

who says i don't listen to my mother? i do listen to my mother and you are just a lady with a bad attitude towards the younger population.

You have no idea what your talking about. Younger population. No not really, just smarter then you because I have a lot more experience in my life then you do. Better get that chip off your shoulder someday or you will find somebody will knock it off for you. Some people will learn the hard way, it looks like your going to be one of them.

I do not have a bad attitude towards a younger population but I do know what I am talking about.

You are in a tough spot. You feel you are old enough to start doing things on your own. Your mom feels like you aren't. I noticed you mentioned that you sit in side when it is sunny and 70 degrees. Does your mom not let you out at 11:00am, or noon?

Quote:

Originally Posted by spitvenom

You are in a tough spot. You feel you are old enough to start doing things on your own. Your mom feels like you aren't. I noticed you mentioned that you sit in side when it is sunny and 70 degrees. Does your mom not let you out at 11:00am, or noon?

My parents are at work all day and she thinks if I go outside I'm going to run off somewere and something bad is going to happen.

So you are stuck in the house all day?

Bad things CAN happen. And they happen when you least expect them. :rolleyes:

You can learn things at home. You have the internet, you have found this site, and there's a science and education section where you can ask and answer questions, which I'm sure you'll find interesting. So, you don't have to stay idle at home when your parents are not at home.