 |
I just found out that my 14 yr old had sex. My heart is broken because she always promised she would wait till marriage. I feel like she lied to me and betrayed my trust. I'm not sure what to do. Take her to a doctor - Yes! But punishment? The damage is done. Please advise!
That is a very young age,. but you must understand that something made her want to do it. Whether its rebelling against her parents, or giving in to desireS?
Hmm.. its still not normal.. its just too young! You should sit her down and talk to her about everything going on in her life. Maybe she did it because she felt obligated to, maybe she was forced to do it, maybe she doesn't feel like she gets enough male attention, or maybe she wants to be "old" and sex is something :older" people do.
You should just talk to her and perhaps impose stricter rules - curfew? So she's not out late having sex. Get her under control so that this doesn't turn into something more
Getting her a medical exam is a good idea. Other than that, some heart-to-heart communication is in order. Talk to her and find out what's going through her mind. Educate her to the dangers of premature sex ; STDs, unplanned pregnancy, not to mention the emotional damage that results from casual sexual relations.
To Russian, IT IS NORMAL, sadlly but true. In a 1970 study, 50% of teens had sex while in high school, and those numbers have increased dramatically.
You don't want to punish her, because then she may not tell you next time.
If she got no diseases and is fine, just strongly urge her to be more safe, and at least use protection.
Like my teacher told me, you can't prevent a teen from havign sex, but you can change how they do it. (He's referring to protection)
Just be more alert of who she is with and maybe have a curphew. But you need to talk to her and relate to her, because you should be able to remember what it was like, and imagine now where you actually look dumb if you are a virgin. And I know she is only 14, but that doesn't mean anything. When I was in 8th grade, just about every girl I new had sex or did something sexual.
Yes a doctor but think back to when you were young mabey she did that for school problems felt no one liked her and that shell never get married she probably needs to have a mother friend talk you know talk to hher like friend
I can't stress this enough.EDUCATE HER!! I had sex at that age too and no one talked to me about it and I ended up 16 and pregnant. Punishment didn't work for me. If I would have known about everything I would have thought twice. Good luck
I agree with above you need to teach her not control her she will just do it behind your back and end up in trouble.
Also tell her of the emotional pain she can cause herself ---falling in love with someone and they might be just using her, etc...
Studies have shown that the more partners a person has the more emotional and psychological difficulties they will have in a good committed relationship.
Keep her with you 24/7 when possible... she lost her right to freedom.
She lost her rights, why should you have to worry about her becoming pregnant or getting a disease. How dare that child!
Getting her examined is a must. Although it's tempting to lock her up and throw away the key, that would just push her away, and probably make things worse. I understand you're hurt and disapointed, I saw the look on my mom's face when she found out that I had sex, but freaking out isn't going to do either of you any good. I'm sure she's heard of all the efects that Sex (premarital or no) can cause... but she's young and I'm sure she doesn't understand the big pic. Of what could happen. Sit her down talk to her. As much as I hate to say it, Obviously like any teen if she wants to have sex, there's always a way to get around parents... honestly as much as it hurts it would be better for her to know that you're there and what kind of percations she needs to take to protect herself if she insists on having sex. After my mom found out there have been times when I wished I could have talked to her about things... had her put me on birth control, or even bought me condoms... but I was so afraid of what she would do that I didn't even seriously think about talking to my mom about it. But I wish I could have.
I would take her to the health department and have ever STD test possible done as well as a pelvic exam and pregnancy test. Get every pamphlet you can find on STD's ,teen pregnancy etc. Then sit down with her and have your own mother daughter sex ed session. Between the visit to the public health department and being forced to talk to her mother about sex, that should be punishment enough for now. Make sure she understands what she did portray your trust and it will take a lot to earn it back. Be careful though not to totally alienate her. You want to keep the communication open. I think I might consider letting the boys parents know their son had sex with your daughter.
I completely agree with bushg, have her volunteer at those places, and let her babysit. I'm 24, and whenever I think about having sex/kids I babysit one of my friend's kids, or talk to them (cos they're all single moms) about what its like, and then (miraculously) the feeling of wanting that goes away. You should educate her on all the effects sex can have. Good luck to you!
How can you punish a girl for doing something natural if you never did what she did she would never been born
BECAUSE SHE'S 14 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
Do any of you know the risks involved with a child of 14 who becomes pregnant? The risks to the fetus and the risks to the teen are tremendous and some are life threatening.
As for STDs this is a very graphic website, do not enter unless you have a very strong stomach, THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, but one of our health departments uses these pictures when educating their clients about STDs.
STD Pictures and Photos
I agree with a lot of the information that you have received above but there is one thing that you have to understand her young brain has not yet developed to understand all of the pitfalls of having sex. So I think what you need to do now is to educate her by telling her all of the she needs to know about having a baby, the fact that she would loose her teenage years. Tell her about all of the responsibilities of feeding, housing, keeping the baby in clothes. Then now that you know that she is not capable of being responsible I think it is time that you get her some kind of birth control. I know this sounds like you are endorsing her to have sex but I feel like that is much better than bringing a baby into the world to be raised by a baby herself, and no father around, or to be raised by the grandparents Good Luck to you.
You can't lock your kids up, but you can put restrictions on them. I'm not saying this is true in your case, but I am often amazed at how surprised some parents are that their kids are having sex, when the young ones are allowed to date, go anywhere without your checking up in them and give them too much freedom.
You've got to be the "mean parents" Say No! To a lot of stuff they have no business doing in the first place. They don't go anyplace unless you take them, if they go to a friends house, get a verbal OK from the other parent. Stay vigilant. It takes time and work, but it's worth it and it's really our job as parents.
That's horrible if my parents did that to me I would want to run away
I am assuming the parent was an adult when she conceived her. There is a BIG difference between 14 year olds having sex and adults.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
If this 14 year old gets pregnant, who is to take care of her and that child?
If a responsible adult gets pregnant, they are at least employed, are taking care of themselves and can take care of a child.
Aside from that, just because something is "natural" to do, does not mean it is to be done irresponsibly and without restriction. What a world this would be if we all just did what came natural without any thought of repercussion or responsibility.
I meant that she shouldn't be punished yet explained to why she shouldn't do that until older and anyway what's your recommended age for sex
Well 14 certainly isn't. I don't thnik you should even date. At 14. I did not have sex until I was married at 23.
I think if you cannot handle the consequenses that may come about such as pregancy, if you have no job, no way to support a child, have not completed HS, if you are not old enough to get married, you should not be having sex.
If she is doing something she has no business doing, then yes, she should be punished. Otherwise she just does it again.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
Sex is natural such as a boy humping his mom's bra magazine it should be prevented yes but if you really want to you should because if you refuse these urges your body could fight against you such as helping diseases destroy your body
Yes punished but nothing as harsh as being locked up in her room for months at a time
Jehovah's Witnesses: Watchtower Society Official Web Site
Under the search type: Reliable Advice for Raising Children
You don't act on every urge you have. Masturbating is a lot safer at 14 than having sex. Kids that young should not be having sex.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
You cannot get sick at 14 from not having sex.
If older your grades can drop
Your grades don't drop from lack of sex either. Your grades may drop if you are preoccupied with it, but that could happen with preoccupation with anything. You discipline yourself to do your work to keep your grades up.
I wasn't having sex as a teen and my grades never dropped because of it.
People often go for long periods without sex and they survive. A 14 year old teen will too.
I think we should agree to disagree I can see your right but wrong like me and I think your kind of stubborn like me and this could take awhile
I'm not stubborn. I'm 54 years old and I think I know what I'm talking about, but if you need to believe what you do, you go right a head.
I'm done.
Not to get in the middle of your guys' discussion but either way you want to look at it 14 is way to young. I don't think an extreme form of punishment is going to help her daughter any. As I said before chances are, unless she understands the full consequence to having sex at such a young age she's just going to think that "mommie's out to ruin my fun" and be twice as likely to rebel and repeat current behavior.
That's what I been trying to say
At her age any punishment is going to be seen as extreme and "momma trying to ruin my fun"Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby-_-Girl-_-19
She would be punished or grounded if she were mine. She would have a strict curfew and would not go anyplace unless I took her. No dating and monitored phone calls. She would have to seriously regain my trust.
You have to give a punishment that doesn't seem like a punishment or a small one
If you're going to give a punishment that does not seem like one, or a small one, what is the point? You give a punishment that fits the crime so the person thinks about what they did and the conseqenses. And you don't make it easy for them to do it again
If she understands what she did and knows that the next time she does it you will crack down harder why punish
Maybe you should see if anyone that you know has a baby that's fairly young where they have to watch the baby and get up with it at night that's a big lesson to learn. I had to learn it the hard way. I got pregnant in school barely graduated and never got to go to college. I love my daughter and all but I wished I would have waited. If you want me to message her on here and talk to her just let me know I'm more than willing to
Because you learn from punishment... would you tell a person who commits a crime against someone else that as long as they understand what they did they can go on, but next time they will "really" get it?? no... the problem with children (and yes 14 is a child) is that if you give even one inch with them, they will learn that and use it against you. If you keep threatening punishmnet but never enforce it, they will learn that. At 14 if my child was caught having sex, her phone would be revoked, she would be driven to and from school by me, and she would not go out with friends unless I personally were chaperoning. Simple... she may hate me for it now, but she will respect me for it later.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
You punish so there won't be a next time. The next time she could get pregnant or an STD or hurt some other way.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
I wasn't saying that she shouldn't be punished, she should, But grounding her for eternity and locking that are only going to tick her off, and quite frankly if my mom had done that to me, I would've found a way to get out of her sight and do exactly what she didn't want me to just to spite her. All I'm saying is that before she can be punished she needs to FULLY understand the wieght of what she did, and why her mom is reacting the way she is. To most teens sex is not a big deal, its extremely casual, they don't even think about the things that can happen to them. The making her baby sit idea, and the mother daughter discussion are both extremely good ways to punish her but also get her to see what she's doing. As far as punishment goes I wasn't saying let her go out and do whatever she wants, I was saying that yes she needs to EARN her freedom back BUT she also needs to feel like she can trust her mom with information like that, how's she going to be able to if her mom grounds her for the rest of her life?
I have a friend whose mother found out she was having sex and she is 14. Her mum made her get an implanon so she doesn't get pregnant, she also buys her condoms. There's also another girl in my year level whose pregnant and the babies due in January.
I don't think you should punish her. Talk to her about how you feel and listen to how she feels about it. If you punish her and tell her not to have sex she'll find some way of doing it behind your back. The most you can do is make sure she's using protection so she won't get pregnant or get STD's
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:13 PM. |