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whoaitspris · Jun 8, 2007, 06:48 PM

My boyfriend of a year is bi-polar. I've put up with his crap for too long but I don't want to give up on him because I know he has issues. He gets so mad at me and calls me every name in the book. It got to the point about 3 months ago that he started physically attacking me and hurting me. Don't worry, I'm bigger than he is and can take him. It just hurts to know that someone who tells me he loves me more than his own parents is so horrible to me. He is about to finally start anger management classes and get put on medication. He refused it before until he went to jail for shoving him mom. Now the court, thank god, told him he needs classes or he will go back. He just turned 18 and still acts like he's a kid. He smokes weed everyday and recently me and him broke up and now that I haven't been there he's been poppin xanax and loratabs, smoking uncontrolably, drinking, and snortin coke. All those drugs in his system have made him crazy. We got into a fight Thursday and it was the worst one we have been in. He called me a stupid skank and just all kinds of things. Shoved me over the couch, almost broke 2 of my fingers, threw my purse at me out the door and all my stuff went everywhere and screamed to his mom to take me home and not to bring me back. He is out of control. When we fight he can't just let go and let me cool down. He has to keep on and on until we eventually start beating the out of each other because he gets in my face. Im the kind of person that has to have the last say and me being like that with a bi-polar boyfriend, does not click. Im to the point now where I just stand there and take his . I never take anything to heart because I know he has a problem but it stills hurts. So when I just stand there and take it he calls me a "EDITED TO REMOVE PROFANITY- " He tells me I'm scared to say something back to him and that I'm not arguing back because I know he's right. That's when I just lose it. I start to walk away and he grabs me. He tells me to get the out and then stops me. After I finally do get out of there he blows my phone up and its "ohh baby im sooo sorry" "i didnt mean any of that, i just lost it." I usually give in and pick up the phone because he calls non-stop every minute for hours. But last night he blew my phone up and I didn't pick up. He hasn't called all day but I know he will in a few hours. Its when all his little drug buddy friends leave when he realizes that no one really cares about him but me. That's when the calls start. For the past three nights when he's got home after his friends left he's called me on xanax and alcohol ed up as hell telling me he's so depressed and that he needs me over there to hold him and talk to him. I don't have a car right now because I have to get a sticker for the tag and he's begged me to drive it after I already got a ticket for an expired tag. I told him he's crazy. I don't want to drive on an expired tag I already got a ticket for. They would impound my car. He was like oh whatever priscilla, you don't care about me. No cop is going to stop you, you just don't give a . He called one night and woke me up at 4AM and begged me till 5AM non-stop saying the same thing over and over. Finally he gave up and woke his mom up and started screaming at her to go pick me up. And of course she didn't want to hear him scream anymore because he already woke her up screamin at me so she came and got me at 5:30. He did that for 3 nights straight. That time @ 4AM and then again the next night at 2AM and then again the next night. When I try and hang up with him after telling him no I'm not driving over there he talks about how he's so depressed and that he's going to kill himself so I feel obligated to stay on the phone with him. I just can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm the one going crazy. He tells me that I have no idea what its like to be him and be bi-polar and wake up every day in a different mood and can't help it. I feel bad for him but recently he has been crossing the line. I love his stupid to death but he is just plain and simple, CRAZY. Has anyone delt with a bi-polar boyfriend and has these issues? Im at my end. I don't know what to do anymore. I desperatly need someone's help.

J_9 · Jun 8, 2007, 07:00 PM

Wow, what a terrible terrible abusive and controlling relationship this is. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but remember, from what you wrote you are at fault here also.

Now, are you and he just self-diagnosing and saying that he is bi-polar or has be been diagnosed by a medical professional? Has he been on meds before? To me this sounds like it may be possible bi-polar, but more likely drug addicted, and possibly a combination of the two.

Now, let me assure you that the suicide threats are just that, threats.
The typical suicidal person does not threaten, they give other more subtle clues.

You are definitely in the circle of abuse pattern. You need to get out before it gets worse, and it will. Just by reading this post I can tell you that you are already lucky not to have been hurt more than you have.

You say you love him. Or is it the idea of having a boyfriend that you love? You certainly don't love to be woken, you definitely don't like being physically abused.

All of the anger management in the world will not help if he does not quit his drug addiction. You do realize that you said he will agree to medication, however, that will only add to and compound the drugs he is already taking.

Time to you to break it off before your parents are planning your funeral.

whoaitspris · Jun 8, 2007, 07:08 PM

He actually has been diagnosed. He use to be on meds but he said he didn't like the way they made him feel. He said he felt like a zombie. He wouldn't even be thinking about getting on them if the court wasn't making him. I know I am at fault and I realize that I am puttin myself in harms way. And its not about being lonely or anything. I lost my virginity to this kid and its hard to let him go. We were fine in the beginning and after 4 months it totally went to hell. His moms let him control her. Its like she gives in to whatever he wants because she doesn't want to hear him . That's part of the reason he is the way he is. His temper is just out of control. I know he has to quit the drugs when he gets on meds. Me and his mom have stressed that to him and he just says okay and blows it off because he knows he's going to do whatever the he wants to. This is a combination of bad parenting and bad choice of friends. Thank you for reading all this and for your advice. It means a lot.

J_9 · Jun 8, 2007, 07:17 PM

I am glad that he has been diagnosed by a professional rather than self-diagonsis, but that does not change what I said. He is an addict plain and simple. Do you really, I mean come on really, think he is just going to stop all of the drugs he is doing? Nah, do you know how severe the withdrawals of just the Xanax are? That alone will make him start taking it again.

Maybe Mom gives in because she is afraid of him? Take that as a cue.

Hun, his temper is not out of control, his drug abuse is.

Okay, so you lost your virginity to this guy, so you are choosing to stay in a very dangerous relationship? Bad decision hun, really bad.

There are choices we make in life, some good, some not so good. Now when we make a good decision we can say "yay me" but when we make a bad decision we have to find a way to fix the situation.

The only way you can fix this for you, and you are #1, is to get out of this relationship. So what if you lost your virginity to him, happens to most everyone. You see, if you get out of this relationship alive (I am sure you will) the cuts and bruises will heal, but the mental and emotional abuse can last a lifetime. It will lead to low self-esteem as well as not understanding and knowing what a healthy relationship is. So, then the circle continues and you will eventually get into another abusive relationship because that is all you know.

Get out now while you still have your physical and emotional health intact.

whoaitspris · Jun 8, 2007, 07:37 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

I am glad that he has been diagnosed by a professional rather than self-diagonsis, but that does not change what I said. He is an addict plain and simple. Do you really, I mean come on really, think he is just going to stop all of the drugs he is doing? Nah, do you know how severe the withdrawals of just the Xanax are? That alone will make him start taking it again.

Maybe Mom gives in because she is afraid of him? Take that as a cue.

Hun, his temper is not out of control, his drug abuse is.

Okay, so you lost your virginity to this guy, so you are choosing to stay in a very dangerous relationship? Bad decision hun, really bad.

There are choices we make in life, some good, some not so good. Now when we make a good decision we can say "yay me" but when we make a bad decision we have to find a way to fix the situation.

The only way you can fix this for you, and you are #1, is to get out of this relationship. So what if you lost your virginity to him, happens to most everyone. You see, if you get out of this relationship alive (I am sure you will) the cuts and bruises will heal, but the mental and emotional abuse can last a lifetime. It will lead to low self-esteem as well as not understanding and knowing what a healthy relationship is. So, then the circle continues and you will eventually get into another abusive relationship because that is all you know.

Get out now while you still have your physical and emotional health intact.

Thank you. :o

J_9 · Jun 8, 2007, 07:39 PM

No need to be embarrassed dear. This is a hard decision you must make. But I am sure you know in your heart of hearts what it is you need to do.

AKaeTrue · Jun 8, 2007, 07:54 PM

Very nicely said by J_9

Now, let me give you a little insight on what it's like dealing with a bipolar person.
Before I start... I must tell you that learning some darn good communication skills is #1 in dealing with a bipolar person.

Yes, they have uncontrollable mood swings.
All of what you mentioned and more.
They can be mean and hateful, sad and distraught; yet, they can be overly happy and quite the little friendly chatter box.

It's difficult to deal with on ones emotional personal involvement.
It gets taken to heart, feelings get hurt, and so on relationships are ruined.

If your going to stick around you need to learn how to shut off those feelings
Of hurt and sadness when an episode is taking place.
It's a numbing feeling, almost unnatural, it's a pretending you're paying attention to what they are saying without hearing a word type of thing.
It's called dis-enabling.

When you acknowledge his outbursts by exploding, you are in a sense, feeding the rage.
When you give into his pity, you are enabling his ability to be pitiful.
All of this contributes to the illness.

It's really about walking that fine line.
You have to know the right calming words to say at just the right moment.
You have to know the right technique to use when he's making demands.
Honestly, it's like playing a mind game. The more communication skills you learn, the better
You are at controlling outbursts (from the person that's ill as well as yourself).
It's not fun.

When the meds are working, it's better, but you still have to use really good communication skills in order to deal with the person.

The person I'm referring to was not a boyfriend nor is it my husband now; however it is a person in my life that I'd never turn my back on.

Now, I hope you realize that a drug addict behaves the same way that you described as well.
The only way that person is going to change is to stop using drugs.

Your boyfriend will have to stop using coke and alcohol along with not abusing the xanax before work can be done to treat bipolar.

It will not work any other way.

The zombie feeling goes away after the meds stabilize.
And they are able to think more clearly.

With all do respect, that is a famous line (I've heard it several times myself)... It's an excuse not to take the meds.

The zombie feeling is nothing like the zombie feeling he is receiving from xanax and alcohol... not even close...

whoaitspris · Jun 8, 2007, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by AKaeTrue

Very nicely said by J_9

Now, let me give you a little insight on what it's like dealing with a bipolar person.
Before I start...I must tell you that learning some darn good communication skills is #1 in dealing with a bipolar person.

Yes, they have uncontrollable mood swings.
All of what you mentioned and more.
They can be mean and hateful, sad and distraught; yet, they can be overly happy and quite the little friendly chatter box.

It's difficult to deal with on ones emotional personal involvement.
It gets taken to heart, feelings get hurt, and so on relationships are ruined.

If your going to stick around you need to learn how to shut off those feelings
of hurt and sadness when an episode is taking place.
It's a numbing feeling, almost unnatural, it's a pretending you're paying attention to what they are saying without hearing a word type of thing.
It's called dis-enabling.

When you acknowledge his outbursts by exploding, you are in a sense, feeding the rage.
When you give into his pity, you are enabling his ability to be pitiful.
All of this contributes to the illness.

It's really about walking that fine line.
You have to know the right calming words to say at just the right moment.
You have to know the right technique to use when he's making demands.
Honestly, it's like playing a mind game. The more communication skills you learn, the better
you are at controlling outbursts (from the person thats ill as well as yourself).
It's not fun.

When the meds are working, it's better, but you still have to use really good communication skills in order to deal with the person.

The person I'm referring to was not a boyfriend nor is it my husband now; however it is a person in my life that I'd never turn my back on.

Now, I hope you realize that a drug addict behaves the same way that you described as well.
The only way that person is going to change is to stop using drugs.

Your boyfriend will have to stop using coke and alcohol along with not abusing the xanax before work can be done to treat bipolar.

It will not work any other way.

The zombie feeling goes away after the meds stabilize.
And they are able to think more clearly.

With all do respect, that is a famous line (I've heard it several times myself)... It's an excuse not to take the meds.

The zombie feeling is nothing like the zombie feeling he is receiving from xanax and alcohol...not even close...

Thank you for your help. It means more than you know.

wickedimp · Jun 10, 2007, 02:08 PM

Hi whoaitspris,

As a manic-depressive (old word for bi-polar) myself I recognise none of the behaviour your b/f is exhibiting. Naturally I too have had a life of illegal drug abuse, alcohol abuse etc... however I've never been violent, actually people seem to think I'm the most wonderful, sensitive and caring guy in the world and this seems to be a universal truth regarding real bi-polar sufferers. When I'm up I'm great fun to be around although I can run a little wild... I mean dancing on tables and taking my clothes off... but that's the nature of the illness.

This brings me to the symptoms your boyfriend is exhibiting. It seems from what you've said that he is suffering from some kind of personality disorder that is amplified in some way by the cocktail of drugs he's taking.

My advice to you is to ask him to drop the drugs for one month for the sake of your relationship. If he refuses you have the proof that he values his drug taking over your relationship and I would suggest you remove yourself from this physically and mentally abusive person. It is easier said than done but the longer you leave it the less of yourself will be left when you do finally get out.

Good luck.

Lacey5765 · Jun 10, 2007, 03:41 PM

Is this relationship really worth the pain? I see that you deeply care for him but I can deeply care for a grizzly bear too but that doesn't mean he is good for me. Let him focus on getting off the illegal drugs and on the right medications for his mental health issues. If he abusive towards you now and had refused to get help except after a court order I am afraid that once the court is not involved is may go back to his old ways. Do you have family that you can talk with? How do they feel about this relationship? After he is stable reevaluate the relationship and see where things are. Right now he is toxic. Is it really fair you have to learn to communicate differently while he is abusing you emotionally and physically? Please stay safe.

whoaitspris · Jun 11, 2007, 08:53 PM

Thank you. Im going to try this

csquared · Jun 12, 2007, 03:21 PM

I'm bi-polar, I would NEVER physically harm a loved one. Get out of this relationship. Suicide threats are emotional blackmail

atomicbetty · Jun 30, 2011, 01:59 PM

People who are Bi polar are not monsters. They are people. Who are sick. As a bipolar person myself, its hard to fit in to the world, and be a normal functioning member of society. Things become 100 times harder just because of the day to day anxiety and panic attacks. The mood swings are literally uncontrollable. I myself have been abusive, and abused. But, Bi polar people can learn, and manage their mania, or "episodes".When I go through an episode its like the normal me checks out for a while, and a demon replaces me. I don't remember what I even say to the person I'm fighting with after Ive said it. We all want what you want. Happiness. Love. Success. But to understand us, takes a certain type of individual with patience and intelligence, and a calm demeanor. Not everyone has those qualities and things fall apart. Just because we say something horrible and disturbing, well that doesn't actually mean we MEAN that. Because we sure as hell don't. That's the rage talking.
Best thing to do is walk away, or leave completely, for days if necessary.The fact that he's on drugs makes the entire situation a million times worse.I can't do drugs, because they affect me completely differently than someone who isn't bi polar.For your own safety I would live elseware for the time being.