[Countrygrl4509]

Let's be honest here. Guys care more about looks than girls. People always ask me why I date my boyfriend of 4 years, claiming that I should be too far out of his league to even consider. The truth is, I love him more than anything. He could be the ugliest guy in the world and I would still do anything for him. And he used to worship the ground I walked on. I used to rest secure in the knowledge that he respected and cherished me and believed he was a lucky guy.

My problem, however, is that he's started to act like he's doing me a favor by dating me. He doesn't call when he says he will, he cancels plans, he starts fights. He's been losing his temper a lot lately. He talks down to me. He acts like he's better than me. Note: I never pretended to be better than him. I've always respected and loved him. But no one would say that we are a close match as far as looks go.

I know it might seem that he doesn't want to be together anymore, but I don't think that's the case. He still pushes for marriage and talks about our future all the time. He assumes we'll be together forever. Maybe this is why he thinks he can treat me however he wants.

I just want to know how I can get some of the power I used to have back. I have no interest in controlling my boyfriend. I only want to level the playing field. I want him to respect me again and stop looking down on me.

[Squonk]

Game playing is never healthy. Don't go there.

I think that the next time he is rude or dismissive or abusive you let him know that you do not wish to be treated that way. Speak to him in an assertive way that leaves him in no doubt that you have set a boundary that he needs to respect. If he does it again reinforce your boundary.

If he sees that you are not happy then he should have enough intellect to figure out that he needs to change especially if you are as lovely as you say you are!

[talaniman]

How old are you both??

[Countrygrl4509]

I'm 21 and he's 24. I'm still in college, he's an engineer.

[talaniman]

You both need to drop the attitudes and talk to each other and listen. That's what mature couples do. Leave the high school games and start to understand each other through expressing your feeling in a non threatening way, and listening to your partner as work and school can put a lot of strain on a relationship, so talk and listen and work together to solve your problems. Know what goes on with each other. No communications, no relationship. Do you work? If not he probably resents you living off his dime and honestly, Looks mean nothing character does.

Guys care more about looks than girls.

Your old enough to know better.

But no one would say that we are a close match as far as looks go.

These two comments have nothing to do with how people relate unless one makes it an issue, like he should be grateful for a beauty like yourself is with his ugly a$$. Maybe that's not the way you meant it, but an outsider can clearly make a case for you being arrogant about your looks. Don't get huffy about it you brought it up not me.

I just want to know how I can get some of the power I used to have back.

By showing him you are his equal, and make him respect you. Let no one mistreat you. I don't mean to be harsh, because I know how hard it is when your young. Take your time be patient and love each other. Much Luck.

[alanalov]

He has too much ego
He thinks he's larger than life

[NowWhat]

The only way to clear this up is with COMMUNICATION. Talk to him, let him know that what he is doing making you feel a certain way and you don't like it. And let him know that if this is the way it is going to be - then you can't be together. You don't deserve to be treated like his trash. I don't care if he is the best looking guy in the world or if he is the ugliest. And same goes for you. Looks fade away - what is in your heart will always be there. I would NEVER entertain marriage if this behavior is going to be what the "norm" is.
You need respect and trust to make a relationship work. When he doesn't call you when he says he will - he is breaking down the trust and showing you he doesn't respect your feelings.
Talk to him - let him know how you feel.

[Countrygrl4509]

Tal, I know I sound arrogant. I knew I would before I even posted the question. You have to understand, though, that at our age, looks DO matter. They aren't the ONLY thing that matter, but appearance is almost always the first thing that attracts you to your partner, whether it be physical appearance or the way they carry themselves, etc. And not to get all scholarly (like I said, I'm a college student), but we talked in my evolutionary psych class about how most people tend to have the most successful relationships with other people who are similar to themselves as far as attractiveness goes, both in friendships and romantically. That's why if you see a gorgeous guy and an ugly girl together, or vice versa, you assume that they're cousins or platonic friends. As far as my boyfriend and I are concerned, (and I never said I was gorgeous or perfect, because I'm not) our looks are so different (I'll just come out and say it, he's fat and lazy) that all of our friends, all of his co-workers, and even strangers comment on it all the time.

This may seem irrelevant to my problem, but it's not, at least not in my eyes. It is absolutely infuriating to have all your friends tell you that you are too good for your boyfriend and then your boyfriend turns around and treats you like a steaming pile of poo. Especially when you have defended him to your friends, insisting that his love for you and his "character" are what matters, not his looks. It chips away at your self-esteem.

And no, I'm not living on his dime. In fact, that's my parents' biggest complaint about him. He's an engineer (i.e. he makes a decent living) and I'm a college student, yet he still borrows money from me in the thousands and doesn't pay me back.

I don't mean to sound arrogant and I know in an ideal world, looks would not factor into a relationship at all, especially a long-term one. The truth is, they do, and they can produce all sorts of problems.

[talaniman]

Just saying that unless you can both reach into each others hearts and trust and support each other, you can never grow together. That's the whole key to long term relationships, and it's a lot of hard work, and give and take. A really long term process. Would you believe that after 33 years my wife and I are still growing? A lot of talking and learning goes on, the utmost respect, and that's earned by being honest and open. I will repeat, don't let anyone compromise yourself respect, not even him, and you have nothing to explain to any one.

[modular01]

Let's be honest here. Guys care more about looks than girls. People always ask me why I date my boyfriend of 4 years, claiming that I should be too far out of his league to even consider. The truth is, I love him more than anything. He could be the ugliest guy in the world and I would still do anything for him. And he used to worship the ground I walked on. I used to rest secure in the knowledge that he respected and cherished me and believed he was a lucky guy.

My problem, however, is that he's started to act like he's doing me a favor by dating me. He doesn't call when he says he will, he cancels plans, he starts fights. He's been losing his temper a lot lately. He talks down to me. He acts like he's better than me. Note: I never pretended to be better than him. I've always respected and loved him. But no one would say that we are a close match as far as looks go.

I know it might seem that he doesn't want to be together anymore, but I don't think that's the case. He still pushes for marriage and talks about our future all the time. He assumes we'll be together forever. Maybe this is why he thinks he can treat me however he wants.

I just want to know how I can get some of the power I used to have back. I have no interest in controlling my boyfriend. I only want to level the playing field. I want him to respect me again and stop looking down on me.

Communication is the most important part of any relationship. Think of communication like the foundation of a house; without a proper foundation, the house will collapse upon itself. You have to lay it on the line for him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Life is too short not too. Sure looks are important initially, but looks fade with age. What you are left with is the persons personality, how they are inside as a person. A good looking person with an ugly personality is worthless. At your age I was looking for someone that was a good person and complemented my values and beliefs. The looks were secondary.