[St Somewhere]

Pretty sobering thought that I am at a point in my relationship where I would turn to a message board for help, but any thoughtful responses are greatly appreciated!

Here's the situation in a nutshell. I've been dating my current girlfriend for 6 1/2 years. I'm 30, she's 28 and we've lived together for over 3 years. I'd say up to this point our relationship has been pretty typical, had some problems but have always been able to overcome them. Late last year I had the work opportunity of a lifetime, but it required me to move across country for 4 months, with limited opportunity for visiting home. We talked about this, and my girlfriend was in total support of the move and we just kept saying "after 6 years together we'll make this work". Well the four months came and went and literally 3 days before I move back she calls to tell me she is concerned about our future together and is basically breaking it off with me... over the phone. I tell her we at least need to see each other and talk things through, and she agrees. Well, I've been back home now nearly a month, we've really been communicating well, and have pretty much dealt with our future together and if it is still aligned with one another. Then about a week ago the bomb gets dropped on me that she has been seeing a guy at work while I was gone. Nothing serious she tells me, but they had gone out on a couple dates, individually and as a couple... dinner, movies, concerts, etc. This guy is twice her age (57), and she tells me she really just enjoyed the attention of a man while I was gone, and that there is nothing going on between them anymore. My problem is that during our "coming clean" conversation I caught her in a couple lies, nothing big, but enough to get me thinking about how truthful she is being to me about their relationship. I prefaced this entire conversation with "you need to be honest with me right now so I can process what has happened, and try to work through it...you won't hurt my feelings unless you lie to me about something"... and she still lied. So here is my problem... she tells me nothing more happened between them than just friendship, and some dates as friends. I don't think they had sex, but I am 100% sure they did more than just go out and shake hands after the date was over. I know she is point blank lying to me about what happened between them. Truth and trust has NEVER been an issue in our relationship, and I know until this point she has been 100% faithful to me, and I to her. What makes it worse is that she see's this guy everyday at work, they work in the same office and interact numerous times through the day.

This is driving me nuts... I can't let it go that she did this, and then lied to me. I even told her she had a chance to come clean and tell me everything and make things right between us, but once I caught her lying about small stuff it made is so I don't trust her to tell me the truth about the important stuff.

This all came to a head in the last couple days. She tells me she feels awful, and gave in to a momentary weakness, made a bad decision, and feels as though she has ruined things between us. She says she is fully committed to our relationship, and getting my trust back, and that she has never loved me more.

Do I press it to get the "whole truth"? Do I trust anything she is telling me? Do I let it go that she lied about some aspects of their relationship, but still trust what she is telling me about us moving forward and that they are in the past?

Thanks to anybody who took the time to read this and respond, any insight will certainly help me sort this out.

[jonjons1girl]

Sorry to hear this. I just wanted to say it sounds like you two have a great relationship other than this. I think that maybe she is scared to tell you even if it wasn't anything, that's why she lied- and you caught her. I had a friend that did the same thing and made her relationship hell over nothing. If she would have just been up front he would have understood her. But because she lied about something trivial and he caught her, he no longer trusted her. It ruined them.

You both sound like you want to work it out and because of that the best thing I can say is continue communicating, that's #1! #2 I would say try to forgive her, as a woman I know how it gets to be lonely-- although I have never turned to another. It may be hard to do, but if you love her holding on to it will ruin your love for her. Try to accept it and both of you move on. Please learn to trust her again, this can be done by just believing her when she says it is over or believing her when she says she is going places. Other than this 1 time you have no other reason to throw this relationship away. Mistakes happen, I know how it feels because my loved one did some things to me that I thought were unforgivable years ago. I held on because I knew what I wanted. Oh and Yes I know they work together and if that bothers you too much explain that to her and see if there is another alternative to her job (like a new one or transfer, or if you can afford it let her stay home for awhile.) I am not saying it is going to be easy but it will be worth it!

Its worth the work, if there is love! Please let me know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!

[thoughtiwastheman]

I'm no expert, but if I was you I wouldn't do anything. Continue acting like the old you. Two reasons. For one, you will come across as a confident man who will not let some old fart take his woman away. The more you whine and dig for answers, the more she will lie and the more she will push away. You don't want that. She will wonder all sorts of things as to why you are not pressing the issue. Her mind won't stop wondering what it is that is causing you to act in such a manner. If you continue acting like the old you and if she in fact did more than what she said she did, I think she will eventually come clean because the guilt will drive her nuts. All I'm saying is that she can't hide the truth forever if in fact she did something. Since you are not sure whether she did more than she is telling you, you can't suspect anything because so doing can really ruin your relationship over nothing. Here is a great quote that was told to me by my high school football coach. He said, "You know what Thought did? Thought himself." Translation: Don't ASSUME anything because you make an out of U and ME. I have learned that the best weapon against women is to play it cool and relaxed. This works for EVERYTHING.

[St Somewhere]

Sorry to hear this. I just wanted to say it sounds like you two have a great relationship other than this. I think that maybe she is scared to tell you even if it wasn't anything, thats why she lied- and you caught her. I had a friend that did the same thing and made her relationship hell over nothing. If she would have just been up front he would have understood her. But because she lied about something trivial and he caught her, he no longer trusted her. It ruined them.

You both sound like you want to work it out and because of that the best thing I can say is continue communicating, thats #1! #2 I would say try to forgive her, as a woman I know how it gets to be lonely-- although I have never turned to another. It may be hard to do, but if you love her holding on to it will ruin your love for her. Try to accept it and both of you move on. Please learn to trust her again, this can be done by just believing her when she says it is over or believing her when she says she is going places. Other than this 1 time you have no other reason to throw this relationship away. Mistakes happen, I know how it feels because my loved one did some things to me that I thought were unforgivable years ago. I held on because I knew what I wanted. Oh and Yes I know they work together and if that bothers you to much explain that to her and see if there is another alternative to her job (like a new one or transfer, or if you can afford it let her stay home for awhile.) I am not saying it is going to be easy but it will be worth it!

Its worth the work, if there is love! Please let me know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!

Thank you for the advice, it really helps to hear what people have to say who are in no way bias to my situation or hers... and it REALLY helps to hear a female perspective. Honestly I don't know what I am going to do yet, I am still in the "processing" phase. I think I will take the other posters advice and not push anything, let her come to me if there is more to share regarding this relationship. It's just hard to think that in 6 1/2 years these last few days are the FIRST time I have ever gone through a day not trusting her.

To complicate things a bit more. She works in an industry where there are a lot of weekend functions (black tie dinners, auctions, fund raisers, etc)... I of course am always her date for the events, but now her office fling will be there as well. If it works out between us these events will be terribly uncomfortable for me. Not only does she see him everyday, but I'll end up seeing him 6-7 times a year... any ideas?

[kirriky]

My guess is she did have an affair with this guy, but then tried to downplay its importance by saying it was just friendship etc etc. if it was just friendship, why would she mention it at all?

But her denying it and her remorse show that she's scared to lose you, and that she still loves you. So, if you want to stay with her, just let it go. It probably didn't go too far anyway, she was lonely and bored, I know it's a poor excuse but maybe you can understand her.

However, do let her know that you feel let down; at the same time, let her know you are prepared to forgive (if you are), that would make her feel she was close to losing you, and make her appreciate her second chances more. Sometimes a timely scare prevents further misbehaviour.

And regarding the company dinners.. come on, she's with you, and I'm sure she won't dare spend much (if any) time talking to him when you're there. That old guy was just a poor substitute of her real boyfriend, and she didn't decide to keep him. It was probably him who was after her, not the other way round, and he didn't get her, so... don't feel too bad. Keep your head high and be coldly polite if you're ever introduced.

[jackdaniels]

Hello. I'm 33 and I'm from Portugal how have you been ? Excuse me my bad english but I just want to say you that I feel sorry about that situation for both of you. Also I want you to know that in my point of view, if I were you I would never more ask your girlfriend nothing about that situation since if you trust each other as it really seems you do, you will later talk about that thing she made in a weak moment. I'm in a relationship it makes almost 11 years but I ve never been in a situation like yours. Be honest to yourselves and let me tell you you are a gret man to her in giving her a chance to prove you that it was a terrible mistake. You are a good person for sure and the prove is that as you said she feels awfull and terrible about what she did. Don't blame her. Blame yourselves in a good way talking if I can make me understandable. This will for sure turn your relationship much more srong. I hope you are good now and. Don't talk about that problem now. Let some time go and after you can talk with some more life expirience and a much more solid relation. Hope to hear from you. Mail me or ADD me to your MSN I will be pleased to have friends abroad. Wish you the best luck in life. [email protected]

[talaniman]

Hate to see you throw away a relationship of 6 years on what was basically a mistake, made at a weak moment. Having said that, trust once lost is hard to get back, but since she has tried to come clean, its up to you to let her, as she feels more comfortable talking to you about it. Be patient and give her the chance, without the pressure of you having to know everything at once. I don't know how you feel and can only imagine, but I do know that a solid relationship can survive these glitches, and grow stronger with loving patients, and understanding, and honest communications. As your shock, and emotions, settle some what, you will be a better listener. If you love her, give her a chance to get that trust back. It takes time.

don't think they had sex, but I am 100% sure they did more than just go out and shake hands after the date was over.

When you calm down enough, you can explain this.

[stonewilder]

I agree with what Talaniman said. Normally I would say once a cheater always a cheater but not in this case. I think she ended up going out with an old man (well much older than she is) because she probably knew deep down nothing could ever become of it. I take it she told you herself that she went out with this guy? I think that says something about her character. If she was a typical cheater rather than just making a stupid mistake, I don't think she would have told you anything and would have deigned every thing. Also since you have been together 6 years and she has never given you reason not to trust her, you owe it to yourself to give her another chance.

[mogoverthemoon]

I know this won't answer your question but mate my deepest sympathies, it's things like things which make me glad I don't have a relationship or love life, hurts way too much.

But if you love her try to forgive her, but if each time you look at her you can't help but think ehat she has done, end it. Sorry, but don't let her walk over you