[Cvtldy54]

Hello, I apologize for the length - I'm trying to gather opinions as to whether I am wasting my time trying to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, or if I should just move on. He's 50 and I'm 36, dated a little over 2 years and broke up in Feb 07. The breakup was followed by a senseless argument I started with a comment that I never should have made. He did not initiate contact with me, I called a few times over the past several months and recently told him I wanted to try and work things out. He's very much the headstrong type and I know that any making up will have to be in his own good time. I hope that saying that does not paint him in a negative light as he really is a good person and has always treated me very well, just can be a little stubborn at times. We've always had a solid relationship with only had a handful of arguments, never over anything major. We're both divorced and I really thought with him I'd found "the one." I also thought he felt the same about me because he always told me how much he loved me and how well we got along. I've called him a bunch lately and in a nutshell he said that if I just relax everything will be OK. Not sure if he means in the end it will work out if I give him the space he's asked for, or with time I will just get over it. About a week ago he said that he would call me and we would go to dinner and talk. I pressed and never really gave him the chance to call yet because I've been calling him to the point where he's irritated. As of our conversation yesterday, he said if I give it a few days he'll call. Some of the things he told me during our conversations are 1)he does not want to be tied down over the summer 2)he does not want to have to answer to anyone 3)I'm free to date if I want 4)we need to start over as friends first and see where things go. I asked him if he would be OK with me dating and his response was "well if that is what YOU want to do." The above mentioned things he said were shocking to me as he's always seemed content to be in a relationship and the talk about being "tied down" has never came up before. I thought maybe it was just the irritation coming out in him from all my phone calls. Does it sound like he's going through a midlife crisis? I get the feeling he's fearful of commitment, but the topic of marriage has never came up between us. I've since laid off the phone calls to respect his request for space... this I've done and I will just wait for him to call me like he said he would. I also asked him if he thought things would work out between us and his response was "we'll see." My girlfriends have told me they think he's just stringing me along and that he should just come out and tell me it's over, but I'm trying to see the positive in it all and thinking that maybe he just doesn't want to tell me it's over yet because he really doesn't know if it is. I've heard from his mother and step-son about how stubborn he can be and once he gets an idea in his head it's near impossible to change. Because he got irrirated from all the phone calls and questions, do you think maybe his above responses were made in anger? He's answered the phone and talked to me each time I called... if he didn't want to talk to me then why did he answer? And why would we have to go to dinner to talk, why couldn't we just do it over the phone? Is there a time limit to wait before saying it's time to move on? I'm not interested in dating anyone else, but he went to dinner once with someone since we've been broken up. He said this wasn't anything serious, just one dinner with this person. Truthfully, I'm not even worried about him having dinner with that person because he's never done anything to ever make me question him and if he said it was one dinner I believe him. I would like to believe that if he didn't care anything about me he would just tell me straight out it's over and there is no hope for getting back together... but so far he hasn't said that. Are his actions saying this and I'm just not seeing it? Any insight is appreciated... I spent 2 hours reading in the self-help/relationship aisle of my local bookstore today.

[talaniman]

He's been gone for 4 months and doesn't want to be tied up for the summer. At 50 he could be going through the change. But to expect someone to wait for a total of 8 months until the hormones get back in sync is to selfish for my taste. That is why they make red sports cars, with racing wheels and can cruise at 140 mph through the hills of Tennessee, with plenty left on the pedal... sorry, That's how my thing went, but I seriously think leave home and family is the sign of something much bigger, like in another female. I think you should back way off him and put your own life in order, and think is he worth the wait?? Think long hard and honestly, about this as his whole approach is a red flag to me. Mid life crisis or not he should be handling things in a much more caring way, but you know him better than I do.

[Cvtldy54]

Thanks for your response. We did not live together and I believe the person he took to dinner was just a friend, his step-son told me this as well that it was nothing serious. I don't think it's fair either to make a person feel they should wait without giving some indication of what the future holds. I also understand that break ups are rarely easy and the ugly usually comes out more often than not. I'll just have to wait and see if he calls soon like he said he would. I'm taking it as a positive sign that at least he is willing to try SOMETHING instead of just calling it quits.

[rileyma]

I would not wait around for him. You need to respect yourself and do what is best for you. To me "taking a break" usually means that they want to go out and explore others. Especially if it's months. You can get your answers with a 2 week break. My hunch tells me that he really is interested in this girl that he took to dinner or another girl. Give him all the space and time that he needs and start moving on. You will find someone else that gives you the respect and love that you need. I know it is hard to think about at this time but once you move on to another and find that true love you will be so happy that you did.

[Cvtldy54]

Since he has never mistreated me and given me reason to think badly of him, is it so out of the question to think that some good will come of our time apart? Doesn't the fact that he hasn't totally shut me out, but said he would call me in a few days and we would go to dinner to talk, show that at least he is putting forth SOME effort?

I spoke to his stepson about the woman he took to dinner - I could tell by his answer that it wasn't anything. I asked him if he thought it was going to develop into something serious and his answer was "Uh, No" which sounded more like it was meant to be a "hell no." For some reason, I just have this peace with it and something is telling me not to worry. I've acknowledged my part in this mess with him - the argument I started and not calling or anything for weeks afterwards to at least talk about it. Knowing how stubborn he is, I didn't really think he would contact me after I started the mess in the first place, we're both stubborn actually and this thing just blew way out of proportion. Kind of like a battle of wills as to who was going to call the other first.

Also, he's been busy with a few projects around his house and will have a few months in the summer to just relax and not be so busy. I took what he said to mean that he was going to relax, not have any commitments, but still see and talk to me. On the flipside of that is that he will still have the option to see others as well too, but I guess so will I.

[Cvtldy54]

Anxiety got the best of me last night and I did a drive by... I saw a car in the driveway that I did not recognize, drove down the road, turned around and came back - it was gone. So I go up and knock on the door and we speak... I try to make small talk, but cut to the chase because I knew it looked funny me being there anyway. I told him I saw a car there and just point blank asked if it was "her", said I had a weird feeling it was, and I told him to be honest and he said, "well if you are asking if it is the person I have been out with a few times then the answer is yes."

I told him I could see that he's moving on and I asked him to tell me how he felt about her, if he loved her, or if it was going in that direction or what, and he asked me why I wanted to know... I said in order for me to move on, if I hear you say you are serious about someone else then I will not bother you about this again, and I meant that. He would not answer me. Does silence mean yes? Is he afraid to say anything because he's not sure, or afraid he's going to make an even bigger mistake and I will decide to move on?

He said that he didn't feel he had to explain himself since we are broken up. There is a chance that this person is just a dinner companion, but I have no way of knowing. After all, his step-son did tell me it wasn't anything serious before and when I first started talking to my ex again he told me that as well.

He did tell me that he still planned on calling me, going to dinner, talking, etc. and he hasn't given up on the idea of us working this out. I started crying, wrong I know, but no one out there in cyber land knows me so I'm just letting it all out there. He said that he did still love me, said that he misses me around and misses me staying with him on the weekends. Do you think he is just bitter (he's a grudge holder remember) about our breakup (it started over a comment I made that I didn't need to make), or doesn't want to look weak if he takes me back? He also told me about some other things that I said to him during our relationship, things that he never mentioned before, but kept them inside until now. Things that he said really bothered him and he's never forgotten. His worst fault is that he can't let ANYTHING go, but a good trait he has is a lot of patience... he has always listened to me, even through his rightful irritation.

Do you think he is keeping me on the string because he's afraid to make the wrong decision? Is it possible he's trying to see if he "still has it" by dating someone else (remember maybe a midlife crisis), why would he say he still loves me and hasn't given up hope? Do I need to get the Mars and Venus book to learn how to decifer his actions??

[SAB123]

He's keeping you as a back up plan just in case his new fling doesn't work out. I would tell him to leave you alone. Why would you want to be friends with some one who is seeing another girl. Your just setting yourself up for being hurt.

[Ladyviper]

How to I put this gently... It seems you have a problem saying things that should never be said. I am not sure what you said when the break-up happened, or what you said that was brought up again in the last conversation, but you seem to have a problem. Whether it be spite or whatever it is, that switch in your brain that says "let it go" doesn't seem to be working properly.

Silence, usually does mean consent. If someone is unable to answer a question, it usually confirms their worst fears. He is a grown man, and why he wouldn't answer the question is because of you. It may be he still has feelings for you, or it may be that he didn't want to get into whatever the conversation would have developed into.

I don't get anything from this post that indicates he is "stringing" you along. Feelings for someone don't quit overnight. It is quite possible to love someone without being in love with them. He may not want to hurt your feelings, because he loves you. However, it does not sound like he is the least bit in love with you at this point. The reason why I say this, is because you initiated contact with him this time, and according to another post you stated he did not initiate contact with you then either. He is obviously moving on without you, and the thought of that is driving you crazy.

Now the drive by thing is enough to make any guy think you are psycho. You drive by his house, see a car, go back and knock on the door. If it were something serious, odds are the car would have been there longer or all night even. He is free to date, and he does not owe you any explanations for his actions. Driving by his house in order to catch him with someone is extremely juvenile, and shows that youhave self-destructive behavior. It seems that you want to hear or see the worst, in order to validate your feelings.

I am sorry, but I don't think he is at fault this time. Normally I am all for a man bashing, get rid of him gripe fest, but I think your own issues are at work here.

PS
Odd are he won't call to go out, I think he was saying that to avoid conflict with you. Don't hold your breath, but then again I have been wrong before.

[Cvtldy54]

Thank you for the post.

I'll take the blame for the comment that started the argument that led to the breakup.

The other thing was something that HE took the wrong way due to his own issues. I earn a comfortable salary and the money issues (his) finally came to light last night. A while back, I told him I was considering looking for another job within my current employer to make a little more $, his response was to bring my statement back up and to add that "well I was feeling pretty good about what I made until I heard you say that you didn't think you were making enough." The problem being that I make more and it's a problem for him. I didn't mean that I said something horrible, but that he took it completely out of context. He started to feel bad about his income and about himself, but this was something that could be worked on.

[Cvtldy54]

I thought that if he was able to say he still loves me and hasn't given up all hope, then somewhere in his heart he could see how much pain I'm in and have the decency to cut me loose to go on, not only that, so he can move on as well - in peace. He's never in the past given me reason to question anything he's done and out of the type of relationship we had, I just expected a little more out of him with his response to how he felt about that other person. I can't help but think if the shoe were on the other foot he might feel differently. But it's not, he knows I'm right her pining away because I've shown him that.


And I realize the drive-by was juvenile, but how many people have done stupid stuff before? You learn not to repeat and then you go on. Having hurt feelings makes you do some strange things. Lord willing, you can get through it with your dignity intact.

As for him calling, he did call twice last week and we talked. He then said he would call and we'd go to dinner, etc. but I needed to give him a chance to do that... and chill out, which is hard to do, but is what I'm going to do.

[Ladyviper]

You don't need for him to cut you loose, you can decide it is over. You know he is seeing someone, what more evidence do you need that it is over. Live your life like the relationship is over, and if you two decide to get back together in the future then that is great. But don't put your life on hold in hopes that it will happen, you have control over what happens next.