[confusedmale]

I am 28 and my girlfriend is 25. I have been in a relationship for over three years with my girlfriend and I love her to bits but I have a problem with myself in that I keep going behind her back to go on gay or bi chat sites, not to meet anyone but to chat and arrange a meet but never can go through with it, and have done this a few times and have been caught by my girlfriend by emails etc, I don't want to be with a guy physically but in my head I do if you want to say its like a fantasy but I don't want to carry it through.
I never had these feelings when I was younger, I have always been attracted to the oppiste sex and never the same sex, the thing is I was raped one time on holiday when I was 15, I got too drunk and ended up on a beach half naked on a sun lounger with a guy raping me I was too drunk to stand or walk so I couldn't fight back and didn't realise till the next day when I woke up, I only remember bits of that night .
I have never told anyone other than my girlfriend. From then I have always bottled my feelings up and never been open to anyone, always keep people at arms length if you want to say. I am slowly opening up with my girlfriend but I still have the feelings that keep resurfacing of going on to the sites not to meet like I said, this is putting a hell of a strain on us as you can imagine. Iam so close to losing her but she has shown me brilliant support in this matter but I need help with this problem. Believe me when I say that I am more than happy in the relationship with my girlfriend but the feelings keep on appearing and I don't know how to stop them this is why I am on here.
How do I deal with these feelings? How can I stop them? Is there a way to stop them resurfacing without bottling up all my feelings?
Long story short, I joined gaydar, and emailed a guy from there, I didn't want to meet him, I don't know why I keep doing these things and I want to stop before I lose my girlfriend forever. Any advice from anyone reading this would be appreciated, I know I need help, my girlfriend sat me down today and told me that if it doesn't stop then she will leave and never come back because I keep hurting her, she just wants me to be honest with her but I don't know how because since what happened to me I have bottled everything up inside, I find it hard to open up. I want to stop hurting her but don't know how, can someone please help before its too late.
I have to say that I have never met anyone,my girlfriend thinks I did and I don't blame her, as one of the guys I emailed only lived a few miles away, and my girlfriend was away at the time for work,I set up false email accounts, I joined gay chat sites,called gay chatlines etc I know I have lost my girls trust.I love her so much.
I am seeing a counselor, and I got rid of my computer to prove I'm serious.

[fix-what-you-broke]

Hey buddy, I see you are in b/fast, I'm in down so not far away... anyway, this is one to think about, I don't have an answer for you right now, it's a lot to take in, but I want to help you as I kind of know what you are going through.
Ok, you say you love your girl, and I believe it reading your post,you also say she has been a great support to you through all this,what about her support? You have to give and take,I'm sure she is feeling just as confused as you right?
I know what rape can do, and it doesn't matter that you are male, you need help just as much as a woman, you are at the point where its consuming you, and I know I cannot talk because I'm still messed up, but you have to try and let it go,you have a future there with your girlfriend, don't mess it up because of the past.
It sounds as though this girl really loves you, and she has showed that she is willing to stick around through the bad times as well as the good, that's a good thing right? At least you know she loves you even when times are rough.
Open up to her, she will listen, and maybe she will start to understand a bit better than she does now, it must be hard on her too.
Can I suggest, when you get these feelings, where you want to get online and do these things, instead, get a pen and a sheet of paper and write down everything you are feeling at that moment, in time it will get your mind off wanting to chat with guys, and at the same time you are letting yourself know what feelings are causing this to happen. If you know a cause there has to be a cure.
It sounds as though your girl has given you your last chance, don't blow it bud, talk to her, keep a journal of all your feelings, maybe if you get the urge to go online and live out the fantasy, tell your girlfriend, she will know that you are having the thoughts, and yes I'm sure its not going to be nice for her to hear, but in time she will respect and understand the fact that you are not telling her to upset her, you are showing her that you would rather involve her and tell her what's on your mind, then if she knows about it she can help you through it.
Its great that you are seeing a counselor, keep it up, it will help. Good luck.

[confusedmale]

Small world fix. Thanks for your answer, I will certainly try with the journal thing, good idea.
I can say that I haven't done anything wrong now for almost 3 months, my girlfriend doesn't believe that, she thinks its still going on behind her back, its not, its over, I know I won't do it again now as I have seen what it is doing to us, my girlfriend isn't the same as she used to be, the things I have done have changed her, she is not as affectionate as she used to be, understandable.
I don't know I just feel lost right now, and I don't know how to handle all the mixed emotions I have, I fantasise about behing with guys, even now after all I did, but, I haven't been online to do anything about it, its just thoughts in my head, its like it will come and go.
I would love to stop those thoughts as I know I am not homosexual, the last time my girl caught me, she told me she was leaving and I was free to meet a guy and have a relationship with him instead of her, that's when I knew I needed help, I know that's not what I want in life.