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Andyman123 · May 29, 2007, 11:52 PM

Ok first let me give you all the details, Me and my girlfriend have been together for 9 Months, of which were Great, She was the one that came to me and wanted to make the relationship official in the very beginning. As things went on our feelings for each other grew, We started to feel Real Love for each other, as she always told me, she always made sure that I knew how much she appreciated me and how much she loved me. We always had fun together and we did hang out quite often,she came to me a few months before that asking what I thought about us moving in (which I had no problems with at all) 4 days before she broke up with me she was on my case about not looking at a suite fast enough because it had been taken before we had a chance to see it . Then out of nowhere she tells me that she Feels like she can't be in a relationship anymore, So I asked her the specifics of it and she said that she thoguht I didn't listen enough, and that I didn't compliment her enough, and that I didn't trust her from things I said, and that she is worried that I can't change those things and she will be hurt again. She says that she still loves me and wants to be with me but says she needs space to think and wants to be friends, Or try a casual relationship. She says she's worried to give second chances and try things because every time in her past relationships she has just gotten Hurt or Messed around. I love this girl deeply and it hurts me to see her and us like this, I brought her 2 dozen roses with a note that told her how lucky I felt to have such an amazing women in my life, and she then said that she will take me back. This only lasted for a night, I could tell she was still bothered by things so we talked and the same info came out from her, that she isn't sure if she can be in a relationship and feels like she just needs to be alone, even though she loves me and does want to be with me and enjoyed our time together. I called her today at work and told that that I will give her a few weeks to just think about things, and I won't IM, call, or contact her in anyway, She seemed very rushed ( maybe because she was very busy at work) She did ask if I was feeling better, but then said that she really had to go because she was on the other line at work ( she deals with a lot of calls). She isn't bothered that I still have the key to her place as I asked her, and I asked her if it was that she just doenst want to be with me, or if she doenst want anyone, and she ensures me that she just doenst want to be with anyone at this time. She's very confused because all of her close friends moved away, she's unhappy with her job and how she doenst live at home ( by herself at age 18 ). Im getting so many mixed messages, and I told her I feel like there's someone else in the picture that she just isn't telling me about, but she ensures me that there isn't. Im quite confused and not sure how much time I should give her or how to go about or think about things.

chippers · May 30, 2007, 12:47 AM

She sounds confused and may in fact need space without anything interfering with her head. To her credit she did the right thing in telling you before anything else came about.making a relationship official is a very big step and a down right scary one. Once she's sorted things out in her head and what direction she wants to take in her life, I'm sure the mixed messeges will go away. As to how long, there's no real set amount of time these things take. It's all up to the person.
Keep to the no contact policy and live your life. If or when she's ready to come around and talk, you'll be ready to listen. Whatever happens, I wish you well.

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 12:52 AM

I know she's very confused, I know that she has strong feelings for me, she Always made sure I knew and always was the one to make sure things were fine if we ever had a disagreement or if I seemed like something was wrong. She has had physical and verbally abusive relationships where people just abandone her in her past as well. We have talked over the weekend to see where were at Like I had mentioned, we got back for a very brief time but t hen I opened the subject again because I knew something was wrong and it wasn't right for us to be together if she was unsure. The only problem with no contact at this point, is that when I told her I won't be talking to her for a few weeks she seemed fine about it ( Which is fine as that's what she has asked for ) she did seem curious if I was doing better or not because the previous night I slept at her house and things were pretty rough. But during out talk we were walking and she gave me the key to her basement back and said she wants me to keep it, If I can't talk to her I will still need to ensure she gets her key back... If she does decide that she just wants to be friends after a long break of no contact, I want to but don't want to as well... Not sure if I could deal with it. She asked me if I would want to be in a casual relationship with here with no strings attached for now... What does she mean by that?

chippers · May 30, 2007, 01:27 AM

In this case I will made a little change in my advise. I too am a survivor of molestation as a child. I know how hard it is to put myself out there. Even to the man I married. She might be afraid of being abandoned again. Giving you the basement key seems like she trying to see where you stand with her. In this situation she needs learn where her head and heart are at.
As a sexual abuse survivor, there are things that are different with her than a girl who hasn't been raped. She has set boundaries and no one not even the man she loves can cross. Her mind and body have set up protection against being hurt again.
I can tell you care. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't want help.
I'd write her a letter, let her know you love her and want her in your life. That she takes all the time she needs to work things through in her mind. Even suggest counseling and that you would go with her if she wanted you to. She gave you the key for a reason and only she knows why she did it. Let her know you'll keep the key colse to you and safe for as long as she wants you to have it. There's no pressure and she has what she needs time and knowing you're there for her. Not too many men would be stepping up to the plate like this. I reallly wish you well

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 01:39 AM

Last night, we talked about numerous things, I told her everything, spilled all my emotions and my heart into her because I care for her so deeply, now I've read that its wrong to do so, but I felt that its best that she sees that I do truly care and doenst have a doubt in her mind. We went for a walk to get some fresh air, and she grabbed my hand and put the key in my hand saying " I want you to keep this, I still want you to be in an important part of my life". She asked me to stay the night were she just wanted me to hold her all night, as I did because it maybe have been the last time I would be able to do so. We agreed to talk today, So I called her today at work which was my mistake, I let her know that its not fair for her to put the stress and blame of what others have done to her on me, and that if she doenst take the chance with me, that she will never see that I am the guy that can learn and mature from my mistakes rather than make promises I simply cannot keep. She seemd very upset saying " Its not unfair for me to protect myself from hurt, and you have already hurt me once." Again to clearify she feels hurt because I didn't talk or compliment her enough, Which I did do compliment her, but not as much as she liked. So today when I told her that I will give her a few weeks to think about things and I won't contact her in anyway and that I should have in the first place. With her being at work she was rushed, which I can understand... she did make sure of how I was feeling, and I asked her if she wanted me to keep the key and she said yes. Then she said she had to go she was busy at work on the other line and had to go. Now, I need advice... should I wait a week or two weeks, because that's all Im willing to give of my time while not being today. If she decides to be friends I will just walk away completely cause I can't do the friends thing, I don't think I could do friends with benefits as it would just re open the wound. What do you really think she wants, and what should I do based on the information... I know she's very confused and afraid, but I know that she Loves me dearly as I do towards her. Ive told her I would never do anything to hurt her... and she's so worried that I might hurt her and not even know it. I just don't know what to think with all the mixed messages, last night we Hugged and kissed and were close. Were not on bad terms either, when we were discussing our issues we could hang out and have fun and still be physically close. Also the day after we broke up, I went to her place after I asked permission of course, with 2 dozen roses and a letter... which told her everyhting, how I feel and how much I want her in my life, How I felt so happy to have an amazing women in my life, and that I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. That thing that bothers me is she didn't seem very bothered that I wouldn't talk to her for a few weeks, and she felt Fine that I had her key?

Makiavelic76 · May 30, 2007, 02:09 AM

One question...
Did you receive or received as much as you give(d)?

And another...
What good and valuable qualities does this woman have to be as amazing for you?

You deserve to RECEIVE too instead of become a human decoder.
Keep in touch

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 02:26 AM

It wasn't that I just gave and gave and gave and never got anything back, She made me feel good and appreciated. I thought that I listened enough and thought I did compliment her enough and thought I made her feel like I trusted her. But after taking a step back and thinking about the things that I had done, I do feel like I couldve listened to her vent more because she Needs to from the amount she works, and I feel something's I did say were wrong and could make her feel guilty and that I didn't have trust in her. When we talked, I told her and admitted to my wrong doings. She insists that people can't change, and I kept telling her that its not a mature of ME changing, it's a matter of me learning and maturing and going about things differently, I told her that I to be there for her and support her threw the tough times. But she's to afraid of getting hurt again to give second chances, because every other guy she gave second chances to just dinked her around and ended up hurting her even more. She had a lot of qualitys I loved, the way she laughed, the way her smile looked, the way she would talk. All my friends liked her, she could come out and hang out like one of the guys, then go back and act like a women when it mattered. She has so many qualitys that I can't even list them, That's why I care so deeply for her... But Im just so confused as of what I should do, She says she loves me and wants to be with me, but that she just needs to be alone because she isn't ready for a relationship. I just don't know how much time I should give her, now that I told her I will let her be for awhile, I don't want to go on and waste more than 2 weeks, because if she can't tell that she wants to be with me by then, it will never work out long term. But for her to give me her key, and Tell me that she still " Loves me so much" and that " she does want to be with me but just cant" confuses me, How can you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them, Be close and able to hug and kiss and hold hands, and even say that she wants me to just hold her. And not have feelings towards that person? For her to go from where she was, She was the one that Wanted to move in with me, She was the one that Always said how much she cared about me and loved me, to just not wanting a relationship just doenst make sense. Im certain its not another man, as I have asked her Numerous times, saying I feel like there's someone else your not telling me about, she says she just wants to be alone, and doenst want a relationship with anyone. She said she wants to be friends, and she just Needs a close friend in her life right now... I told her I can't because Im afraid that she will throw another man in my face a few weeks or months later and just hurt me more, and she said that she doenst want a relationship with anyone. Ugh, Its really got my mind all messed up, the mixed signals are just making me think over and over again... Why give me the key to your own House if you can't trust me to not hurt you?

Makiavelic76 · May 30, 2007, 03:04 AM

Oooouuukkey!! If you want to dig into the details...

1.- Who is most important person in your life?
Answer: nooooooo it's not her, it is YOU!!

2.- I read in a good book, that a love is worthwhile only when PASSION, FRIENDSHIP and COMPASSION are mixed in sane proportions. And allow me to stop here for a while. You should be able to identify those qualities concerning each of the 3 aspects above. Friendship not only means that she can hang out and have fun with you and the guys, means a RECIPROCITY in supporting you and bringing you emotional wealth.

3.- For what I read in your post, it seems she is a traumatized woman with a trust problem over others. This is a situation that requires lots of efforts of mind seeking and developing by HERSELF or even with psicotheraphy. Again here, it's all about decisions, how much you love her and why to support her even with something that might be harmful for you? This is not a pure romantic scenario, It MUST be a RATIONAL romantic scenario.

4.- Limits are always good. And its only your and only YOUR responsibility to establish the time you will be RESPECTING her time to solve her issues (let's not call it WAITING TIME). About the key, please don't get to decode that. It's part of her confusion not yours. You should be on your place and deliver the key to her with a nice and honest smile, wishing her to feel better for the time she needs to solve. She might take all the time in the world but not you!! So let her clear that in a fair language that doesn't sound threatening.

Hope you the best, keep in touch

mckenzie134 · May 30, 2007, 04:41 AM

This is simple what you must do!! Simple yes SIMPLE. Go to her house and return her key. Tell her you are not going to be an on and off boyfriend you are not interested in that. You want to be in a relationship where you can treat the girl with respect and give her all your love. Ant that she is obviously not the one if she can't trust that you won't hurt her.

All this girl wants is a strong guy someone whois goingto show that he is in charge and she will be looked after not with strength but emotionally.

You cannot keep buying her stuff and saying I want to let her no how much I love he!! NO What You need to do is not put up with this cauyse really you want to be with heer but you want to have agreat relationship with he not a craop on and off one like this... You must push her awau to shw her you can be without her she will see thi as a good indeoendent quality in you...

chippers · May 30, 2007, 05:37 AM

Why don't you take this same no contact time and think things through yourself. You both have a lot to work through and most of it on your own. I'dkeep the key. Being together doesn't mean everyhting happens on a fast time line. There is the slow down approach where the two of you can breathe and not feel like you're rushing into anything. Your girlfriend has some deep scars that maybe hard healing. Believe me I've been there, I know how she's feeling. Being there and letting her know you're there for her is giving her promise that not all men are weesels.

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 09:45 AM

Im just so confused about it all, She tells me that she Just wants to be friends... So it sounds like her mind is set on that, she knows everything that I feel and that Im sorry for my mistakes. But still for her to Look me in the eye and say she loves me, and be able to still kiss me and get close to me is really just messed up. You can't just go for being completely in love to not caring at all, She cared about me SO much, she was the one that wanted to hang out, she was the one that always made things better. I just feel like from her actions when I told her I won't talk to her for awhile that I should give the key back, If me not talking to her for a few weeks doenst bother her, than I doubt her mind will change on what she wants... and Im really not sure If I could handle seeing her again just to hear the same things.

jonjons1girl · May 30, 2007, 12:54 PM

Just tell her how you feel and that you are willing to make the changes to keep her. Things may be weird for awhile during the initial talking phase but just remember she is having a hard time. Try to make happy times again showing her that you do love her dearly! Most of all give her support about her friends leaving, maybe even plan a trip with her to go see them, if nothing else than friends! Just to show her you care and tell her like you did us!

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 12:57 PM

I have done that, I let her know everything. She says that we just need to be apart for awhile and she needs to clear her head... she wants to be with me but can't because she can't handle the responsibility of a relationship. I told her id give her a few weeks to think things over and asked if she wanted the key to her basement suite back... she wanted me to keep it. She was at work and did seem busy, so Im assuming that's probably why she didn't have time to talk a bit more or seem to upset that I will leave her alone for awhile... after all that's what she wants so. I just don't know if I should give the key back and walk away, Or just give her the time she needs then go from there

jonjons1girl · May 30, 2007, 01:02 PM

If you love her just give her time she will let you know!

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 01:08 PM

THe messages that I get
1. She says that she loves me so much, and that she Does want to be with me but just cant.
2. Gives me the key to her suite back and says she wants me to still be an important part of her life.
3. Goes from Being completely in love with me, and Wanting to move in together, which was her idea... to Not wanting to see me and just wanting to be alone in a matter of days.
4. Didn't seem upset that we wouldn't talk for awhile, She asked if I was feeling better, and I asked if she wanted the key back but she said for me to keep it.
5. I saw her on Monday... we broke up on Friday, She still has my picture on her fridge, she still wears the ring I got her ( which was a mutual agreement to get for each other )
6. When I brought her flowers with a note expressing everything to her, she cried and came and hugged me so tightly and for a long time, then said she will take me back.

If she took me back that should mean that she still Does want to be with me doenst it? I made things not go on because I could tell she still was upset and needed to sort stuff out, she told me she thinks we need time apart, and time to think things over... Im so confused and shaking up!

jonjons1girl · May 30, 2007, 01:18 PM

I am sorry all I can say is just be there for her and obviously she still loves you. Give her a little time to work it out. Good luck.

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 01:22 PM

How much time is too much time, and how much is not enough? I don't think I can handle sitting around for weeks on end, I feel like if she doenst contact me within a week that things a pretty clear?

jonjons1girl · May 30, 2007, 01:25 PM

I would say I agree if no contact but if you guys are still talking or communicating then let things be for a while.

Andyman123 · May 30, 2007, 01:28 PM

We Could be talking If, but she doenst want to really hang out... just wants some space, So I figure to get a real clear idea, no talking will let me know. But how long do I go no talking before I just call her so we can meet and I can give her, her key back, and let her what Im going to do.

jonjons1girl · May 30, 2007, 01:46 PM

That depends solely upon you and how you feel.