[mitzy]

I am living in total chaos right now and not sure what to do. I am in a blended family for the last 7 years. My spouse has 2 sons and I have 3 girls. Right now his 18 year old son has manipulated, lied and now completely disrespected me to the point that I now have completely removed myself from anything to do with him. Problem started right from the beginning when the boys would come home on the weekends and holidays. They were never meant to behave since my spouse didn’t want to reprimand them since they only stayed for short periods. This however was not the case with my girls which lived with us full time.
His oldest son moved in full time this year since his mother could not handle him any longer. His son is extremely smart and manipulates his situations to his benefit. When things do not go his way he tends to become violent. Now the biggest problem he is having is the lack of direction which is common in teenagers. When he first came it was very difficult getting him to go to school. Normally what would happen when he would not go to school I would be the one home first and would reprimand him by removing his video games for a short period. Now he has a girlfriend so he does go to school everyday, he just doesn’t go to classes. He skips his classes to spend time with the girlfriend. This again was reprimanded by the removal of the phone (by me) and he was also removed from the computer for short period of times. Now here comes the big issue which is tearing my family apart. On one of the occasion where a call came in to inform us on the number of classes being missed and the way the kids are displaying themselves in school I informed his son that I was very disappointed and that he obviously is not learning anything since he chooses to continue to not go to class even though he has been reprimanded and spoken to in regards to school. I had then informed him that his father would talk to him about it since now I felt it would have to be his biological parent at this point that would be best to deal with the issue. A few moments later I had make a phone call and went outside on my deck. The phone went dead. When I went to find out why the phone wasn’t working I found that his son had gone and disconnected all the phones in the house. He had believed I was calling his dad to inform him of the call and started ranting at me that it was none of my business and he wanted to talk to his Father first. This ended being a heated argument where I informed him that he has no right dictating to me or unplugging the phones and if I were to call his father I could since he is my spouse! He then laughed at me and said yeah right what relationship. At this point I then did want to call his Father. I went into my room to make the call only to have this 18 year old break my bedroom door off its hinges and proceed to rant and rave at me in my room. When I told him to leave he would not. I had his father on the phone with me who I then gave the phone to his son. After this his son did leave me alone for the rest of the day. After this argument I was furious with the disrespect and removed myself completely from his Son. The computer in the house is mine so I had removed his user and told him he is not to touch anything that is mine. I believe this is right as a stand for respect. When someone does not respect you and tries to manipulate you why would you have any involvement with that person? Then the next day his son went to his mothers for the weekend. When his son came back again I had him ranting and raving at me again since his girlfriend had called and I had asked to speak to her mother since it was my understanding that both where removed from the phones for a period because of their actions. This again resulted in him ranting and calling his Dad who stated just let him use the phone. I feel as if I am being played to the point where his son has manipulated to his benefit since now I won’t deal with him. It is hell living in the same house as him. I refuse an apology since it would not be sincere and wasn’t given one anyway. He is continuing to skip school and all his father will do is talk with him about it. His father feels all he can do is coach him to make the right decisions. I am still furious he will not reprimand him for any of his actions. His father feels the fact that I removed his computer is sufficient and the fact that he can not use the phone for awhile is sufficient also. His son had thrown the phone across the room and put a whole in a door one day when he couldn’t call out. The phone was removed prior to the outburst with me. He was not reprimanded at all by his father for this. His father got mad at him talking to him about it and feels this is sufficient. His father will not remove his video games or television or anything since he feels it would make him angrier and that won’t solve anything. This leaves me in a position where I feel his son got what he wants since he continues to do as he pleases and knows he can. His father states he is a good kid doesn’t do drugs, or drink. He gets good grades even without going to class which the school even says is remarkable. He is very intelligent. It is now so “he skips school big deal” could be worse. I am supposed to be the bigger person and get over it. I am furious and don’t know how to get over it. I expect some type of reprimand for his behaviour to me which isn’t coming. Because of the arguing now I am told I have a decision to make and can leave if I want! I don’t know how to deal with this anymore and advice would be greatly appreciated. Am I wrong in my feelings. School has been the biggest battle with his Son. He is almost a year behind because of his continual disregard.
Thank you for any insight.

[Fr_Chuck]

You do not have a problem with the 18 year old, you have a problem with the father. Go to counseling or kick son and father both out. As long as father is not going to do anything, nothing will happen

[J_9]

Wow, that was a very long paragraph! LOL

Anyway, I see many many problems here. First of which is that you are the step-parent and should not be disciplining the son. It is the father's responsibility. The school should not be calling you, they should be calling the father or the natural mother.

Also, you take his things away for "short periods of time." I see that as a problem too. Once taken away, they should be earned back not given back.

As far as his violent outbursts go when the father is not home, very quick simple fix to that... call the police. You should have dialed 911 as soon as that door came off it's hinges. Period!!

It seems apparent, to me at least, that Dad wants to be friends with his son, not a parent. There is little you can do about that.

You and your husband need to sit down and have a long long talk, maybe even with a professional present, and decide where this marriage is going as it seems that Daddy is making the step-mom the bad guy here. This is not the way this family should work.

It sounds as though either therapy or divorce is needed at this point in time.

[mitzy]

Thank you so much for your quick reply. It helps emensely. I am going to seek counselling for it is very hard dealing with my hurt and anger right now. I have basically been told suck it up or get out. I am the one with the anger problem not letting it go. The hard part is it is not just me I have to re-establish again with my girls and get strong to deal with more issues to support them in the changes that I see coming ahead. Thank you again.