[Nighteyes]

Not sure where to begin.
Recently, like many other times in my life, I have cought myself and provented myself from doing stupid things. My mind currently is trapped in a downward spiral of depression. I seem to spend my days thinking of ways I can end a life time of suffering, something that had stopped of a maximum of 10 months. I can't even seem to sleep, and when I do even my dreams are plaged with these thoughts.
About a year ago I was hospitalized for about a week due to a suicide attempt, and that stay resulted in the diagnoses of sever depression due to tromatiztion, and of course they wanted to medicate me for it, which I know isn't the answer. As a resalt of the hospitaliazation, I was banned from seeing family (get into that in a bit), had to pick up and move and well try to start all over again. And it was going fine, I meen I was starting to put the past behind me and try my best to move forward, but now the same symptoms are showing up, and oddly enough I am fearful this time.
My memories are beginning to push their way forward again, and its overwelmbing.

The story behind all this now, sigh, things I have tried to forget for so long, but keep coming to the surfice.. gulp,
From as far back as I could remember, like age 4, I was molested by family members, yup more then one, more then two, three. I being the only girl and youngest of five originally, was taken advantage of by three of my older brothers. I can remember so vividly almost every time. I was molested and raped by them tell I was about 13 years old, when they finally moved away for school, that being the only reason it stopped.
A top of this major issue, My mother neglected me and abused me, and just tore me to peaces I'd say. Growing up for me.. was a nightmare. I've never know compation in life, never known honestly, loyalty, respect etc... the list continues. Adn as a result of my past (a lot worse then that brief paragraph states) I have grown up to be someone, thing, I hate.
I am tarafied of suciaty, I hate dealing with people period unless I control the situation. I can't physically or mentaly handle living, handle situation, handle anything. When I was 18 I went to college, and started treatment for my horrable past, but upon the death of my father, I was forced to return home, to live with my mother, and brothers again. They never laid a hand on me, but the damadge was already done you know. Being near them brought memories I had suppressed for so long back. Causeing a very very very bad spell of depression, I literally slept/layed in bed for 3 months, then on the first day of the forth I atempted to kill myself. A way to end the pain and suffering, a way to make it all go away with out hurting anyone else, cause its evedent that I was meant to suffer.
And that's when I was hospitalized.

And now... its happening again, I am getting more and more depressed as the days go one, my sleeping is getting messed up, I hardly eat, can't stand to be in public, have no enjoyment in anything, and I can't stop thinking of how death can bring releif.. I won't do anything don't get me wrong.. I don't want to deal with the conciquences if it doesn't work again...
But I need help... but don't know how to get it when I can't talk, I can't deal with a situation one on one with someone I don't know to spill my guts when they really don't know what its like, they don't know how it feels, it just a job to them.. sigh...
So messed up...
:confused:

[steviebeezie]

There's no easy answer from a forum. When I hear things like this I know why I never ended up going into psychotherapy... I never really know what to say. I only wish to reply that my prayer's, good thoughts, whatever... are with you. And you're not alone. Depression is a struggle for so many people who don't have any real reason to be depressed at all. You have every right to feel bad, so don't punish yourself over your pain. I wish I could type some quick passage to ease your pain and help you move on with your life, but I can only send you all the positive vibes and good wishes I can muster. May you always stay strong.

[1badchoice]

My heart breaks to hear of yet another person (much like myself) who has been hurt so deeply and permanently by "family" members. You were a helpless child who your parents failed to care for and protect. There is no excuse good enough. While reading your post I had to keep stopping and looking at the sender as this story is one I have heard SO many times from friends or various acquaintances. It is no wonder your having such a hard time with depression. Who wouldn't if they were basically used/abused then left with absolutely no core family for support? You not only lost your childhood but you lost your family. Either to their failure to protect or their ignorance/denial of the pain they refused to see. You were and are very brave to keep trying to deal with this issue. I commend you on your continued battle at trying to love yourself when everyone you grew up with told you (nonverbally) that you weren't lovable. They were wrong. And writing this... I know that you cannot/will not hear me. It is something so deep in your soul that you will not believe until your in a better place. I hope you keep writing, talking, etc. As for the meds... please reconsider. Often chemicals get out of whack due to longterm abuse and the coping skills you had to use to get through that stage of life. Meds take several weeks to start working. Maybe it's time to accept outside help with the pain, heartbreak, betrayal, complete and total abuse you suffered. No one could be expected to handle this alone. NO ONE deserves to be treated as you were. YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME! I don't care what the circumstances or in what ways these things took place. You were the victim. Please see a therapist, counselor, church member, friend, etc. Keep writing to get some of the pain out. And know that you are not alone. I, for one, am hurting just knowing that yet another person is hurting in ways that I thought I alone felt. Truly, Cathy

[ordinaryguy]

As for the meds.........please reconsider. Often chemicals get out of whack due to longterm abuse and the coping skills you had to use to get through that stage of life. Meds take several weeks to start working. Maybe it's time to accept outside help with the pain, heartbreak, betrayal, complete and total abuse you suffered. No one could be expected to handle this alone. NO ONE deserves to be treated as you were. YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME! I don't care what the circumstances or in what ways these things took place. You were the victim. Please see a therapist, counselor, church member, friend, etc. Keep writing to get some of the pain out. And know that you are not alone. I, for one, am hurting just knowing that yet another person is hurting in ways that I thought I alone felt. Truly, Cathy

Very powerful and helpful words and thoughts here. Nighteyes, please listen and take courage and what comfort you can from these responses, but don't try to bear this load alone without professional help. Yes, it's a job to them, but a job that they've trained for and skills that they've studied and worked hard to acquire, so don't discount that. For really huge outrages like the ones you've been subjected to, you need more than well-meaning friends to get you through to something like a normal life. Please don't give up. The fact that you have reached out for help here shows you have great courage. Summon up some more of that courage and find a good therapist who can start you on the path to healing. No one should minimize the enormity of the task, but it can be done.

[talaniman]

The others have put out some very good options, and I hope you find a good professional to help you through this difficulty. Remember that none of this is your fault, and you are not alone. I admire your strength to reach out, seek help. I hope you find the help you need.

[chuff]

As strange as this may sound for this forum and topic I recommend that you listen to Tony Robbins Get the Edge Vol 1. Maybe the whole thing, but especially volume 1 because in that he talks about how to reprogram your own brain for positive thinking. He also talks about something that all humans share, and that is our brains tend to think negative if we allow them. Most people have always just accepted this and after years of years the negativity builds and you have unhappiness as acceptance.

There is also a book that I've recommended before called "Beliefs" by Robert Dilts that covers this very same issue of reprogramming the brain.

Another thing is when something good happens to you or you do accomplish something... even trivial or small write it down in a journal. Most people forget their success and all the good things that happen to them which forces the negativity to take over. You have to bring focus to the positive that is happening in your life.

[Lacey5765]

You are stronger than you think. One week in the hospital could not erase all the years of abuse. Of course the pain returns, you haven't been able to deal with it. Get a professional to help you so you can move on. Medications can help. They don't have to be a permanent solution but can get you through the rough spots while you are working through it. No one deserves the life you have endured but unfortunately many have. You are not destined to be your past. You can overcome it and do great things with your life. You were not put on this earth to suffer. In time you will likely be helping another here in a similar situation and offering advise on how you made it through. Stay strong, you are not alone.