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    bagpuss27's Avatar
    bagpuss27 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 18, 2007, 03:27 AM
    Strip clubs
    Hi,

    I have a very good trusting relationship with my boyfriend and we have a flat together. I am a nurse and work shift work. His mate has recently split up from a long term relationship and I think is wanting to go to a strip club with him this weekend while Im at work. I am really horrified by this and feel like its almost like he is planning to cheat on me, the thought of him sitting there getting excited by another woman and getting off on it makes me feel awful. I really don't know if I'm over reacting but I have tried to talk to him about it and all he says is that I don't know where we are going and if that's the case I can't just go OK lads I will wait outside.. he doesn't see my point of view at all on it and I am scared if he does go the implications on our relationship it will have after and how I feel about this, its made me feel extremely insecure and I don't know what to do.. Help please!
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #2

    May 18, 2007, 11:59 AM
    Ok... talk to him... Tell him you really don't want him to go because you don't like the idea of him seeing another woman naked. Tell him, to just for that night because you are so afraid, you would like him to call you every once in a while and for you to call him every once in a while to make sure he picks up. Honestly, a strip club is just that. They can't have sex with anyone. It's just to help his friend out and I'm sure it will just want you more when he is done. Trust me, many people make these things a big deal and ruin relaltionships. He will be yours after that night and soon you both will be 50 and will laugh at this and you will be proud you were strong to let it go. Just tell him this one time only. It's healthy to let him go. It's nothing. It's not a date with a girl. It's a view and I think it's not a big deal. If you can't deal with it no matter what and you are insecure, then do what I said before... Be honest.
    Sdjosh's Avatar
    Sdjosh Posts: 215, Reputation: 41
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    #3

    May 18, 2007, 12:08 PM
    Try this... have trust in him. He is going out to help a friend. This isn't about you or him... its about his friendship. Don't get in the way of that or you will push him away. Know at the end of the night he is coming home to you. He may be turned on by the girls at the strip club but you are the one he is going to want to touch at the end of the night.

    So show trust and confidence. That is sexy.
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #4

    May 18, 2007, 12:16 PM
    Very sexy!! He may not even want to go next time. If you show it bothers you, he will know he has a string to pull on you when you bother him. Don't let anyone get that power over you. If he was single he would go anyway. Yet he is yours, so let him go and don't be bothered. Just tell him to call you when he gets out no matter what time. It will be so sexy if you let him go. If my ex let me go, I think we would've lasted forever. But she never trusted me therefore aI never trusted her. It will kill your relationship. Just let it be. Trust and confidence like my friend said above me. You need to really think about it. They are just having a good time. And don't pressure him next time like u want to go clubbing with the girls since u let him go there. That will totally stop him from letting u go out and he not want to do anything because he will know u will use it against him. It stops a relationship from moving on. Please for GOODNESS sakes! Let him go! Be sexy!
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #5

    May 18, 2007, 12:19 PM
    You don't want to end up like his friend in a break up... Be happy with what is yours. It's only one night.
    SAB123's Avatar
    SAB123 Posts: 685, Reputation: 94
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    #6

    May 18, 2007, 12:27 PM
    I would let him go, but ack a little jealous that is showing him that you care. And he'll probably think of you all night. In the 5 years me and now ex were together I didn't go one time. I could have but I didn't because I did have her and didn't want to look at other woman. But if I did go and she acked a just a little jealous that would turn me on.
    alkaline's Avatar
    alkaline Posts: 61, Reputation: 20
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    #7

    May 18, 2007, 01:02 PM
    I think the prior posters were all men. Lol. I completely disagree with them.

    I'm really anti-strip clubs. I find them to be degrading and insulting to all women, and really offensive. I'm not a hypocrite, I wouldn't go see a man strip, either.

    I think it is very disrespectful to a relationship for a man (or woman) to go to one.

    I tell every guy I date on the first date that if they EVER go to one, under ANY circumstance, it is over. It is something I feel that strongly about. I dumped a guy for it once right on the spot, and I'll do it again. If someone doesn't respect how I feel about them, and can't give up that one little thing, then I don't want them. I don't think it is asking a lot.

    If I were you, I'd probably tell him I don't want him to go, and to respect my wishes and how I feel. I am not controlling any other time, and am always cool about letting guys do things with their friends, so I think if I am against it in that one circumstance it is fair.

    Really, I don't think it is cool for him to go. I think he should have more respect for your relationship and feelings than that.

    Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses and sees that what he has is better than a stripper.

    Oh, and I think it is cheating, too. You aren't alone on that.
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #8

    May 18, 2007, 01:19 PM
    That is not cheating! OMG! Alkaline, I don't want to sound disrespectful, but I don't think any guy would stay with a girl who acts like that. It's not cool. I'd say the most she can try is ask if she can tag along. But it's not that serious. You're a girl... I'm a guy so I'm telling her how we see things. We don't want that. If we did we wouldn't be with our girlfriend. It's not so serious as it is to you girls. But it's because you are too jealous. Be secure. Be confident. Like I said it's very sexy. Life can't be taken too seriously. He's a guy. Guys like strip clubs, just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he is doing wrong. Plus he said maybe. It's his friends decision, not his. He didn't want to go out of nowhere. Be cool with your boyfriend. It will make the relationship healthy if both of you can be cool like that. I hope I get a girlfriend like that. I would let her go too. Wait a minute... Thinking about this the other way around now... I don't think I would like it either... But hey, you just have to let some things go. Just do what you think you can handle. Im me and everyone can do what they want and based on how they feel. You can just be honest with your man and tell him you can't deal with it, and tell him he can't and that's it. Def. a red flag, but hey, take my advise... I have a better idea!
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #9

    May 18, 2007, 01:23 PM
    I have a great idea... Tell him you want to have a meeting in person. At home or outside, setup some lunch with drinks and all and tell him you would like to have a discussion about the plans. Tell him how you feel about the strip club in between eating. Tell him, "I understand you need to be there for your friend, and I don't have a problem with that. I just get afraid of the fact that you will be seeing other women. I understand he doesn't have a gf but you do. You have me. I'm sure if he had a gf, he wouldn't be going there, so why should you just for him. What about me? I love you and this just freaks me out and I hope you understand me. Your eyes are so beautiful and I only want them all over my body!" Then kiss him! If he still decides to go and gives an excuse, then he is a jerk! But it should work.
    kanicky73's Avatar
    kanicky73 Posts: 484, Reputation: 63
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    #10

    May 18, 2007, 01:35 PM
    How about this. Before this day comes up you go to a strip club with him. My ex and I used to go and it was fun. To this day he still says that after going to a strip club with me with him, it never felt right to go to one without me!
    diya's Avatar
    diya Posts: 303, Reputation: 62
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    #11

    May 18, 2007, 01:40 PM
    Listen, girls have their own lives and so do guys. It all boils down to trust. What if he doesn't go to a strip club, but he's stripping a girl somewhere else, how would you know? TRUST... that is all you can do. He doesn't have to go to strip club to break that trust, OK... so relax... and let him go where he wants to go... everyone wants freedom once in a while... I've been to a man's strip club but did nothing... so? Does that mean I am not trustworthy enough to let loose... c'mon... don't fret of what's going to happen... live NOW... that's more important... give him love and trust... rest leave certain things on their own. By fretting over it you're not going to gain anything... u get my point!
    darkness1970us's Avatar
    darkness1970us Posts: 70, Reputation: 9
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    #12

    May 18, 2007, 02:50 PM
    Wow. How did I miss this debate?

    Let me start by expressing my opinion on Alkaline's post. (See the "O" word there, you don't have to agree with me but it is how I feel).

    Strips clubs are more degrating for the men who attend then the women who are dancing. I've dated a number of dancers in my lifetime, and work was always just work. It's the guys who think that the women are interested in anything beside his wallet that are being degrade, and as they choose to do so... good for them. (P.S. - Same goes for porn)

    With that out of the way:

    Try to look a little from his point of view. Do you think is going because he feels the need to see another girl naked, or do you think he is just there to be supportive of his friend? Maybe a little bit of both? How much does the nudity bother you? Does it bother you for him to watch a Bond film? I'm not saying you are wrong, just really consider the problem before approaching it. If it is something that you can't deal with, make that perfectly clear. Tell him why it is such a problem. If he is a good man, and you've said that he is, he will understand and cancel the evening. Right now, I think (and it's just what I think) that he is fighting back because he doesn't really care about the strip club part of it, he just wants to be there for his friend.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #13

    May 19, 2007, 12:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by alkaline
    I tell every guy I date on the first date that if they EVER go to one, under ANY circumstance, it is over. It is something I feel that strongly about.
    Am I to understand that you tell every guy on the first date, "If you got to a strip club it's over?" Presumably the first date takes place before your even going out with someone so that seems like a pretty big demand to be making at such an early stage of the game.

    Quote Originally Posted by alkaline
    Oh, and I think it is cheating, too. You aren't alone on that.
    Oh my. Going to a strip club is the equivalent of having sex with another woman? Please.

    Strip clubs are a fantasy land that allow men to escape for few hours. I'm not against people not liking them, and to be honest I can see the arguments some people make against them, but a friend taking his friend who just got dumped to a strip club to forget about his ex is not in any way cheating or even remotely close to it.

    You and the OP are making way more out of a few hours then either guy will remember in a weeks time.
    Ken 297's Avatar
    Ken 297 Posts: 112, Reputation: 24
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    #14

    May 19, 2007, 05:23 AM
    When I started going out with my GF I took her to a friends parents house. A couple of guys wanted to go to the strippers.
    I looked at her and said is this OK.
    She didn't look but happy but said all right. We left her there and went out for a few hours.
    On the drive home the conversation started with If I am EVER in that situation again don't embarrass her by asking permision to go out, just go. She didn't want people to think she was controlling my life.
    Long story short I married her post haste, Never regretted it for a second and just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
    If you have a trusting relationship you will never have to worry.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    May 19, 2007, 06:44 AM
    Fear, insecurity, and no trust, will wreck a relationship. Throw in trying to control another is a dealbreaker in my book. There are so many important things in life making a big deal over something so small can be cause more damage than its worth. Bags relax, and plan your own activities with your g/f's, and have fun. As Chuff has pointed out his night at a strip club is not going to be in his mind forever, and most of us males wake up the next day and have already forgotten it. So why worry if he is yours and you trust him? You do trust him don't you?
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #16

    May 19, 2007, 07:36 AM
    Hello:

    I had a girlfriend once who thought that if I looked at another girl, it was cheating. Needless to say, I don't have that girlfriend anymore.

    Girls! Get a grip! Cheating is cheating. Nothing else is cheating other than cheating. If you don't know what cheating is, I feel very sorry for your man. Lets call him your EX-man, because if you keep acting that way, that's what he'll be.

    excon
    SameOldSituation's Avatar
    SameOldSituation Posts: 66, Reputation: 32
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    #17

    May 19, 2007, 08:03 AM
    I'm a dude. Plain and simple, if a girl didn't want me going, I wouldn't go. That's part of a relationship.

    Giving.

    Yeah... no doubt, trust is important and insecurity is bad. But it's also important to make someone else comfortable. I have NEVER dated a girl who wanted me going to strip clubs. And I've never minded not going if she had a problem with it. There are about ten thousand other things to do.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    May 19, 2007, 09:12 AM
    Any demands based on fear, insecurity, or trust issues are unreasonable, and to feed those feelings will not make someone comfortable but more demanding. Much better to work on the real root issues.
    gypsy456's Avatar
    gypsy456 Posts: 319, Reputation: 48
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    #19

    May 19, 2007, 09:44 AM
    He's a guy.
    Guy's do "guys things..."
    Women talk and talk and talk after we break up or are in problems...
    Men tend to "do things"... that's how they bond.
    Can they not do something else than going to a strip club ?
    Of course they can, but this came up...


    No matter whether they are in a good relationship or not, they will look at other women
    And there is nothing wrong with looking.
    I know that my husband will look at a beautiful woman... and why not ?
    I look at goodlooking chaps.

    But at the end of the day... we are married, we love each other and really.. if I would freak out because he works with goodlooking fun women or would look at somebody else I would drive myself nuts...

    It's about trust.
    If your relationship is that good and there is trust.. then you should not have to worry.
    Don't get insecure because they will see some naked women.

    Don't make an issue out of something that is not an issue yet.
    Your reaction turns it into an issue and questions the level of trust in your relationship.

    Fear is bad companionship...
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #20

    May 19, 2007, 10:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Any demands based on fear, insecurity, or trust issues are unreasonable, and to feed those feelings will not make someone comfortable but more demanding. Much better to work on the real root issues.
    Exactly.

    What's ironic about this line of thought is that if a guy goes out to night club the chances are so much greater he's going to be hit on then if he were going to a strip club where the girl just want his money.

    In my early 20's I was a bartender. We had strippers frequent our night club and they were very nice and outgoing when they were at my place of business. However when I would go to the strip clubs, at the their invitation mind you, they would say hello but move one because I'm not there to pay them and that's what they are doing, looking for a pay day.

    As I stated I can understand some of the arguments against strip clubs and some are valid, but this issue isn't really about strip clubs, it's about trust or the lack there of in this relationship. If you can't trust your man to go to a strip club where women one see him for his wallet then you can't really trust him. As I said, he'd have a better chance of getting hit on at a regular club then at a strip club but in the end it wouldn't matter since there is no trust in him to make the right decision by way of the relationship or the woman in his life.

    Here's some facts about men that may surprise you. Some of us can be loyal. Some of us don't automatically cheat if we get hit on. ALL men can look at a nude woman and not get sexually interested in them. These are facts based on reality not the fears based on insecurity.

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