[purplelilmunster]

I really don't know what to do about myself...
Since 10th grade in high school I have been put on anti depressants and they helped for a while but I didn't like the way they made me feel and Im one of those people that just don't take medicine... whether I have a cold or an infection I never take my medicine... I took the anti depressants for 2 months at the most then I would stop... it didn't help me that I hated doctors and my old theripist was a duche... but that is not the point
Right now I feel like I have ed my life over(which I have) and I have nothing left. I can't go and talk to my family because to them depression is in the mind and should be gotten over with... well at least to my father. And I don't have anyone close to ever talk to or I feel that would care. I feel so alone all the time and I don't know what to do... I can't remember anything I rarley feel like getting out of bed or eating. I feel like I'm over this life... I'm done with it... and that is the worst feeling. Im not one to kill myself... because once (well I couple of times) I tried and later I had the best experiences of my life and was glad I didn't off myself... but I kind of wish I did so I wouldn't have to feel like this.
I try so hard to tell myself to get over this feeling, life can't be this bad... it will get better. But all I see is haze and no end to it. I finished my first year of college and I loved it I was away from home away from the protective watchful eyes of my parents... but then I started to drink... and I drank a lot... and smoked up... but I felt happpy it was like the only medicine I would take... and now I'm home I can't touch the stuff... and I'm just school sick and trapped in a room where I can never fall asleep.
I just don't know what to do with myself I don't know how to get over these feelings.

[ballengerb1]

It sounds to me that you are clinically depressed and the meds with counseling are your best option. If your last counselor was not to your liking get another one and restart the meds per their directions. The feeling you did not like just might be the way the rest of the world feels. It may feel very odd and unpleasant because this is a new feeling, you need to give it a year minimum not just 2 months.

[grammadidi]

The trouble is... drinking (especially "a lot") and smoking up give you a false sense of happy. People who drink and/or take drugs are usually doing it to cope with pain. The pain isn't GONE, it's still there. Your body (and mind) are just tricked into believing it's gone. Then, when you don't have the booze or drugs the pain not only returns, but it feels heavier, deeper and much more painful. It's kind of like taking something when a woman's in labour so she feels nothing, then, just before the baby's born giving her something to reverse all the pain meds and she feels the full throes of labour - unbearable.

You really need to spend some time getting back on medication, finding a GOOD therapist that you can work with and allowing your body to adjust to the meds and, with your doctor, find the correct dosage. I worked in an aftercare program for mental health patients that were returning to the community after long term hospitalization for their emotional/mental health problems. Almost every single patient that returned to the hospital again and again decided to go off meds on their own, weren't able to deal with it appropriately and experienced serious problems. Most of them had issues that would not have resulted in taking medication for the rest of their lives.

Please talk to your doctor and/or therapist about this. If you really aren't getting what you need from your old therapist and have nobody else to talk to you need to find one that you CAN confide in. You have to find the right fit... someone who will help you to work inside of your therapy, who will listen well, and will help you heal. Lots of times you have to see 2 or 3 people to find what you really need.

Don't give up! Life can (and will) get better - but you have to do your part. It is especially difficult when you bounce on and off meds. I agree with ballengerb1... you must give it time to work properly.

Also, get involved with a hobby. That usually helps. I myself use photography. It helps me find colour and beauty when my world is dark, or hazy as you put it. Finding someone you can talk to is the second need. Hopefully you will find someone who is knowledgeable about depression that you can trust and respect. If they make you work to get better and you stick to your meds you will eventually get there.

Hugs, Didi

[alkaline]

The posters above me said what I would have very well, but I just wanted to give you more support right now.

I promise you that it CAN and DOES get better. Depression can make you feel like life isn't worth it, but that isn't true. You have so much more life to live, and so many more amazing and wonderful things to experience. You can't cheat yourself out of those!

It can take years of trial and error until you find a good therapist that you are compatible with. It is just like finding a friend or a job you like. Not all of them will work right for *you*. Once you find one that you can really communicate with it will help so much. And they are out there!

And I know how you feel about pills, I don't like to take them, either. But, sometimes they make a huge difference. If you don't like how you feel with the ones you were taking before, try a different type and dosage, discuss it with your doctor. Not all anti depressants are the same, and you need to give them some time to work!

Good luck with everything. I know you feel miserable right now, and I know this probably sounds empty to you, but it WILL GET BETTER. You're in a slump right now, but you can definitely be happy again! :-)

[Clough]

Great advise above!

I just want to add my own experience and thoughts to the mix here for support of you.

I know what it is like to be clinically depressed. It is an overwhelming feeling. It floods your whole body and you can't control it. At least that is what it feels like to me. Taking medications for it is also a similar feeling of flooding over the entire body, but it is a good feeling.

I was on an anti-depressant for a number of years. It did great things for me. I felt good and could concentrate on what I needed to do.

Although I can't explain it in expert terms, when you are on anti-depressants, the medication changes things in your brain so that it functions better. If it is truly clinical depression, then once things have started to function better, then you don't necessarily have to or need to keep taking the medication.

I decided to quit taking my anti-depressant medication about five years ago. Since then, I have been doing fine. But, recently, with some rather depressing changes in my life, I have found that I may need to be on some type of medication again, because I have found myself getting into the type of depression that I used to and have not been able to get out of it by myself. Or with talking through the problems with friends or with a therapist. My depression got "triggered" into action again.

I don't like to take drugs of any kind. But, it would appear that now may be the time to get back on something so that my brain can be straightened around again.

The point that I am trying to make is, that taking a medication for depression doesn't have to be forever. And, that I am glad that these sorts of medications are now available so that we don't have to suffer.

[purplelilmunster]

Thanks everyone for there advice. But I can't go to a theripist right all the money is used to send me to college.. and ill take my medicine for real this time (hopfully) but for the most part I'm just going to do what I do best and ignore what is bothering me. I will smile for everyone because that is how good girls act. There is not help for me. Im done caring

[ballengerb1]

Hold on there Purple, you can't get off this desk that easy. When I said earlier that you were clinically depressed I meant that you can't help yourself and it's not your fault either. The counselor isn't going to give your answer but will help you find the ones within that you can not longer hear. Go to the university health center and ask about free or low cost counseling through the college. There really is help for everyone if you know where to look. I helped at a center for years and ended up as the President of the Board of Directors, however I entered as a patient. There is help for you too and you are in my prayers, if that's OK with you.

[grammadidi]

thanks everyone for there advice. but i can't go to a theripist right all the money is used to send me to college.. and ill take my medicine for real this time (hopfully) but for the most part im just going to do what i do best and ignore wat is bothering me. I will smile for everyone because that is how good girls act. there is not help for me. Im done caring

You posted because you do care... you care very much. The trouble is, if you keep ignoring what is bothering you... if you keep smiling... if you take your medicine for real (HOPEFULLY) then you will just keep going around in circles.

There is so much hope for you, but you must do your part! There are lots of free or low cost resources for you. How old are you? What area do you live in? There are also counselling services at the college and they can direct you to what you need. Sweetie, you NEED to talk about what is bothering you. Just giving it a voice will help you more than medication will. That is why it is so important to see someone! If you hold your problems in they will overwhelm you and render you helpless.

If all else fails, walk into a community health clinic or even the hospital emergency ward and tell them what you need. They will help you get it.

Hon, I care, as do a lot of other people that have posted on your thread. Please look after yourself. I promise you that it really will get better. Depending upon what is bothering you, there may be more help out there than you can imagine. Open up, find an adult that you can trust and let it all out. Keep trying to get help... don't give up!

There are crisis telephone lines, crisis centers, mental health clinics, etc. Confide in someone who can guide you to what you need.

Love & hugs, Didi