[helpneeded1]

Hi, I am in a real troubling dilemma, and I need your advice. I am a single mom of an eight year old little girl. Her father has been in and out of her life, because we were unable to get along, because it was his way or the highway. He also did not want to pay child support, so for me not to know where he worked, how much he made, and what he does with his cash, he chose not to have a relationship with his daughter. In fact, he said he would do this when she was a teenager, because then, I could not be in his financial business. An order was made in family court when she was six years old. Even though he made over $200,000 a year, he had a better lawyer, and only has to pay 178 a week; I am also responsible for babysitting, afterschool, medical, dental, life insurance, etc. fees I make 36,000 a year. He is a real estate broker, and hides his income, says he really makes 24,000 because of business expenses.
Anyway, the last time he saw my daughter before now she was six. He sat down with her and told her that he could not be her dad anymore, and that she would see him when she was 18. She began to have problems in school, so took her to counseling. We moved to a new and better economic neighborhood, and she was still having problems in school. She is doing poorly academically and socially, so I got her a tutor, and also put her in an afterschool tutoring program. I meet with the teacher and administrators regularly, but mostly because of her behavior. I usually initiate the meetings. She doesn't hand in her homeworks, even though they are completed, does not write down all of her h.w. assignments in her agenda, and is failing her exams. I asked her dad for help, because I felt that he was one of the MAIN reasons she was acting up. After almost a year, he has decided to become involved, but on his terms. They have a horrible relationship, because she is angry at him. He is inflicting corpal punishment on her, opposite of what I do, I and her counselor believe that talking is best.
He bought a three bedroom house, is taking an active role in her school work, meeting with her teacher without me, and blaming me for her failure. I am afraid that I will lose my child to him and his family? Although I wanted our daughter to have a relationship with her father, I do not want to lose custody of her. We live in a 1 br apt, but I gave her the br, and I am in the lr. What are my rights? What can I do? I am scared in ny. Please help.

[LadyB]

He can, in that it's possible. If he chooses to take you to court in a custody dispute, then yes, of course, the judge may decide to award it to him. There are no guarantees either way, however. Has he stated anything about wanting to take you to court?

[helpneeded1]

He hasn't. Now it seems that he doesn't want the responsibility. He says that she is a pain and out of order, and he doesn't know if he wants to stick around for a child with rude behavior. He told her that a kid like her makes him want to go out and replace her by having another baby. He says he has to beat the devil out of her, like they did when he was a child. He told her he was not as bad as her when he was a child, and that he doesn't need her, she needs him; and that she is not giving him a second chance, he is giving her a secone chance.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sounds like he has decided to be a hateful ex, but trying to be a father again, he has all rights that the court order gives him, and he can sue for more rights in court if he wants.

But for the child support, you should be able to prove what he makes or makes more, by showing his life style, what he spends, house, car, clubs, credit cards and the such.

[tawnynkids]

Sorry to say but dad sounds like a loser. I would fight custody for sure if he asked for any. When he says things like that he is inflicting a great deal of emotional damage, its really just flat out verbal and emotional abuse. He wants a perfect child and he isn't going to get it. Is her therapist not offering any possibility of assistance in this matter? What does he/she say? Because a licensed professional can be a real asset in court when trying to support your case.

[helpneeded1]

Thanks, he gives me little access to his life. He writes everything off as a business expense, even trips to Fiji, which he admits outside of court was for leisure. He also said that he is not prepared to have her change his lifestyle; that I am the custodial parent, so he is only doing me a favor by helping out now and then by picking her up from afterschool. He says the he is also concerned that I do not save money. My daughter needed science project supplies, he told me to get it. I told him that I only have $5 in my bank account, and that I basically live from paycheck to paycheck. I asked him to pay it, and he got irate. He said no! I told him that I don't have any money to save, because I have over $3,000 in expenses per month. He says that this is a poor excuse, that he is afraid of the message that this is sending to our daughter about money responsibility. I told him to give more than what he is giving to child support, and he said that I need a better job, not the good money that he is giving for child support. I said to help out with her afterschool fees. He said NO! I asked him to help pay for private school, he said he is not prepared to let anyone know his income, so NO!

[helpneeded1]

Don't be sorry, thanks for your honesty. The therapist said to get this loser ---- out of her life! He said that he is no good for her, and that she doesn't need him, that she is better of without him.

[tawnynkids]

Well then I would definitely get the therapist to write a report for the court as to his professional opinion on what is in the best interest of this child. He sounds like he has NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or maybe he truly is just a flippin jerk. Get the best lawyer you can, I don't see a way around getting one with this guy, and with the help of the therapist maybe you can get this guy out of her life at least physically. As for the money, I would stop asking for it. Let him pay his measly little court ordered amount and rid yourself of the personal frustration of arguing with him and being verbally abused yourself. I had to do that, and even though it's really tough to continue without having him help for all the non court ordered extras our children need... not dealing with him is priceless!

[helpneeded1]

Thanks for your support, you don't know how much that means to me. I feel that he is both narcissitic and a jerk. My daughter asked when she could have a nice daddy.

[tawnynkids]

Aww poor thing. I feel for you. I have one that asked the same thing about a daddy who abandoned at birth. And I have a NPD now. Breaks your hearts for your children! You definitely have support. :)

[helpneeded1]

He even has the teacher giving him only negative reports about our daughter, and in the end, she suffers verbally and emotionally at home. I wrote the teacher a note about positive reinforcement. Why does she always focus on the negative, what about the positive? He said if he were her teacher, he would hate her too. He says that she is constantly lying to him. He asked her what does she like to do? What are her favorite things? She said I don't like to to anything. He said that she is such a liar. She told him that she just was an owl land on the roof of the supermarket. He said that it has always been there. He said she is such a liar. I think I know the decision that I will have to make.

[aliasundercover]

Has your daughter ever been tested for Attention Defecit Disorder? My 19 y/o did the same things (his dad walked out of his life as well) and I chalked it up to that. He did his homework, never turned it in, didn't write down assignments, etc. In the 5th grade he was tested for ADD. I don't believe in drugging my child to make him better, I adjusted his diet instead and it all worked out. Just curious.
Can your ex get custody? I highly doubt it. He hasn't been in her life. Start keeping a journal of things he say's, things he does, dates and times. If he ever tries? You have a record for the court.

[helpneeded1]

After an inconclusive test result, one specialist couldn't say that she had it, but only that she fidgets a lot so she must. He wanted to put her on medication, but he was so arrogant, that I declined from his "professional" opinion and service. Another special said that there is no way that she has add or adhd, but felt that she might be gifted. She was tested, and in some categories she actually tested high in the iq range.

[SpawnOfAzazel]

You would first have to be proven an unfit mother in order for him to get full legal custody, which is going to be hard for him since he abandoned her for two years, not to mention he made no attempt to prove himself as a stable and worthy guardian for her. That "I can't be your dad anymore until your'e 18" was what I think started the fire. No child should have to hear that, of course she is going to act up, and her grades will also suffer. Now she's caught in the middle of all this drama, and you did the best thing by putting her in counseling.
All in all, it's best to seek an attorney's advice on what to do from here. Most will give you a free consultation.
I wish you and your daughter well.

[helpneeded1]

Thanks for your advice, it is much appreciated. I am comforted to know that there are still caring human beings out there.

[s_cianci]

Well, assuming he is still paying the $178 a week, all other things being considered, he is being a "good dad" on paper, if not in actuality. That doesn't mean, in and of itself, that a court will award him custody if he asks for it, especially since she's been with you all these years. It doesn't seem like there's any compelling reasons for the court to change the arrangements at this time. You may want to get a lawyer just to be sure, especially since Dad probably will.

[helpneeded1]

Thank you, will do.