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hamanim · May 13, 2007, 02:58 AM

Hi, I have a 17month old daughter and up until January 2007 the mother and I were very close. She is an alcoholic. I have reason to believe that she drinks to cope with some abuse that happened to her, this is a little sketchy though.
I would have married her but I found it difficult to cope with the alcohol problem. She also is a very needy emotional person.
I was seeing my daughter everyday and we were a family. In February my ex told me that she had met someone, within a month he had moved in with her and I was pushed out of her life thereabouts. My relationship with my daughter suffered also.
I found out that this guy although in full time employment is a heavy drinker.
I had planned a trip with my ex and my daughter to Africa before this happened and I thought that maybe we could solve the problem o this trip.
However on holiday my ex's behavior was irratic she was potraying signs of possible drug abuse, she was neglecting the baby and she just argued everyday and her mind was elsewhere, obviously she drank. All she wanted to do was get beck to UK to her new partner. Then she asked me if I could get her any cocaine, this confirmed my suspicion tha she was using drugs.
On our return to UK I went to see her parents and they knew that this chap was living with her and both they and she had kept it from me although I knew he was living with her. I explained the situation to them about her drinking, they assumed she had stopped after giving birth, and I told them about the drugs.
Instead of checking it out, they have keys to her house and should have observed they just confronted her. They accused me of being jealous and that I am a liar. My mum also went to speak to them and they accused her of being a liar also.
The new partner is almost twice her age has children and grandchildren who he does not see yet they believe my ex and her partner are telling the truth.
I have been in touch with social services and they say nothing is amiss. They would not find anything because she drinks only in the evenings and on weekends.
I have tried mediation but she did no turn up. She will not speak to me face to face and although I am having some contact with my daugter it is on her terms. I understand that her new partner is now supporting both her and my child although I contribute to my daughters upbringing.
From what I gather the new partner has seen her emotional weakness and is exploiting it. Maybe I am wrong but I think her parents are in denial.
I have seen a solicitor and I am planning to go for a residence order (custody) of my daughter. I understand a hair sample will show possible drug use, I am concerned about her using a detoxin sold on the net to wash out any traces of the drug. She also has been mentioning a letter which I wrote her and gave to her in Africa in hope that I could appeal to her. The letter mentioned about the drinking as well as other subjects, she is highlighting only the fact that I would have married her and therefore using the jealousy angle.
I am very concerned for my daughter, although physically she is OK being fed etc. Emotionally she is different. I cannot help her mother that is her choice to stop, although I still have strong feelings for her. I need to concentrate on my daughters welfare.
Can you advise on anything. Thanks

NowWhat · May 13, 2007, 06:41 AM

You need to go forward with your plans to get custody. Or even get some sort of visitation schedule. If you feel your daughter is in harms way - you have to act now.
Alcohol is one of the only substances that you can not quit cold turkey - with out medical intervention. (this is if you are a heavy drinker and have been) If she is so far gone with this addiction - she would need some sort of rehab. If she wasn't drinking while in Africa, that would explain some of the mood swings.
Your daughter should not have to pay the price for her mom's addiction. Until she is ready to make a change - it will not get any better.

hamanim · May 13, 2007, 10:41 AM

Thanks for your response, she was drinking whilst in Africa everyday. Her behavior was due to the misuse of drugs I suspect and needing it.She also was asking for cannabis too.
I know she has a medical record of the alcohol up until three months into the pregnancy when she became dehydrated and was forced to stop. It is very difficult to prove alcoholism though. She was having a drink everyday and drinking herself senseless at least two or three times a week.
I just have to pray that G-D will help me at court.