[jennfa]

I was with my guy for three years and living together but finally had to just leave 3 weeks ago and I know it was right but it's killing me.
A backround: I had just come out of an 8 year relationship that lacked respect. I wasn't looking for anyone but within 2 weeks ran into the most beautiful man I ever met. Even though I wasn't looking for anything, he pursude me like CRAZY. Wined & Dined me, rose petals, hotair balloon rides, constant love letters and emails, he blew of his friends and spent all his free time with me. He seemed a bit clingy but I never had anyone treat me so special and love me so much, and needless to say I fell hook line and sinker. He had a string of failed relationships that all lasted from 1-7 months but said he dumped them all because they cheated or were psycho (guys always use that one). We lived together 2 years and had such a great relationship (no fights) then suddenly this last year he became distant. He started blaming me for not having hung out with his friends for a long time (funny since I NEVER told him not too. He started calling me controlling out of the blue and making all kinds of lame excuses and having all kinds of resentment towards me. I knew he had no excuse to break up with me because I never nagged at him or got in fights with him (which would have given him an easy out) but I could tell he was pushing me away. I dealt with this for the last year and finally decided to leave (to save my dignity). At first he was upset, even cried but let me just say, HE DID NOT TRY TO STOP ME. His comment was "you deserve so much more than I can give you" He even tells friends we broke up because 'I deserve more' ****side note, what does that mean? If you love someone don't you try to be a better person. Give them what you think they deserve?********
Anyway, he has sent several text messages just to see how I am but I ignore them all.
So finally, my question is, can a commitment-phobe change? I am still so in love with him. We had SO many fun times and want the same things in life. I am not going to contact him for now... let him just try to meet someone as good as I was to him... but eventually, maybe a month or two I may contact him but only if I think there is a possibility there is help for this... Therapy etc.
If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. (also, I was the first women to leave him)
THANKS

[shygrneyzs]

I honestly think you did the right thing and moved out. You had three years with this man and the last year has been less than the fairy tale beginning by a long shot.

He wanted the break up or he would have worked harder to maintain the relationship. A comittment-phobic person can change, yes, but before you jump back into that, you really need to see if he has changed or is just lonesome and missing parts of the relationship.

You are wise to give yourself some space here and give him his space too. But use this time to really think through what you are looking for, what you can compromise on and what you hold firm to, in the realm of a relationship. He had three years to make a commitment - that does not speak too well of him. It is possible though that he felt he had all parts of the relationship that he needed - why take the next step when all his needs were satisfied?

You mentioned therapy - that is a good idea - not just for him but for you also. Dig into yourself to find out why you were attracted to him, find out if he gave any warning signs early in the relationship that would have tipped you off (the distancing himself from his own friends to pursue you), any precursors of behavior and manner and attitude that you can take and learn from.

Best of luck to you.

[hair2007]

Hi you should read all my posts!! Then get back to me ( :