[ordinaryguy]

Here's an article from today's Washington Post about new ways to do adoption. Sounds like an improvement to me. What do you think?

[LadyB]

We are in a fully open adoption, meaning our son's biological family are now extended family to us. It's not "new" really, but it seems few people know about it. It scares many adoptive parents to consider having their child's first parents in their lives... I think it's an enrichment to us all and will benefit our son to have those relationships. More people to love and be loved by, that's a good thing, don't you think?

Of course whether it's successful depends on active participation and commitment from everyone.

[Synnen]

This isn't really a new thing, really. It's just becoming more mainstream.

A terrific article, really, and as a birthmother, I'd LOVE to have more discussion on it.

[collinsmom]

My husband and I also adopted our son through open adoption. And just like LadyB said, it's an additional family for all of us. We see them a couple times a year and send pictures and talk on the phone. Both of our parents were a little concerned, but now think it's great. We all have gotten together for picnics and holidays. It's great for us. We are looking to adopt again (hopefully soon). It may not be the same "openness" as our first, but it really depends on what the birthmother/family is looking for and what we are comfortable with... in the best interest of the child.

[Fr_Chuck]

I believe in many cases it can be a great and wonderful thing, I also believe with some bio parents, they can become a nightmare'

[ordinaryguy]

Lizzy--
I was able to adopt my step daughter after I married her mother, but her birth father had to voluntarily relenquish his parental rights and responsibilities. There are ways to do it if the birth father can't be located, but a good-faith effort has to be made to find him. If he is unwilling to agree to it, there's really not much you can do, except take him to court and sue for child support in hopes that will help him decide how much it's really worth to him. Consult an attorney who is familiar with state laws where you live.

[Synnen]

I beleive in many cases it can be a great and wonderful thing, I also beleive with some bio parents, they can become a nightmare'

Looking at it from the OTHER side... I think that in many cases it can be a great and wonderful thing, but with some ADOPTIVE parents, it can be a nightmare. Broken promises, disappearing, saying anything to get your baby then telling you to bugger off... there are as many instances where the adoptive parents make it a bad thing as instances where the bio parents do.

I think that the biggest change that would make it a better system is allowing legal contracts binding both parties to their side of the agreement. That would be, of course, subject to change based on the needs of the child, and to the changing needs of all parties.

The other thing that should be mandatory is counseling, especially for the birthfamily, that is NOT in any way, shape or form affiliated with the adoption agency. THAT form of counseling borders on coercion much of the time (think of how much you'd be hurting the adoptive parents if you change your mind before signing those papers... they've been waiting so long for YOUR baby --that sort of counseling doesn't cut it, imo). However, there should be joint sessions before the papers are signed detailing what kind of expectations each party has of the other, so that there are fewer misunderstandings later.

I've been a very stand-offish birthparent. I have seen my daughter once since she was adopted, and that was about 7 years ago. I get pictures and letters once a year, and updates more often if I ask. I send presents to her on her birthday, my mother sends presents at Christmas. I don't want to mess up her life by interfering or invading. Plus, in the beginning, I was terrified that if I asked for more, they'd just disappear with her. In my very first birthmother support group meeting, all of the talk was around another birthmom who was going through that... they just disappeared, no forwarding address, a "sorry but we thought we could handle a birthparent involved but we just can't" letter sent to the adoption agency. Now... she's happy, she's healthy, and she knows she can contact me any time. I'm not going to push myself into her life.

Of course, that doesn't work for everyone, and I celebrate every adoption where everyone in the triad is at least content with their particular story.