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Zebra · May 5, 2007, 07:27 AM

[F]My wife has been invited by some of her friends (a couple), from before we were married, to accompany them on a one week vacation at their expense. I was not included in the invitation. They are aware of our marriage and, while not close friends, we have met.

I feel that it was rude for them to invite my wife and exclude me, without even the chance for me to pay my own way and when they didn't suggest this, I feel that my wife should have.

My wife says that this couple are her friends, not mine, and that there is nothing wrong with her doing things as an individual, including a vacation. She feels that there is no reason for her to have tried to include me, even though I am retired and have nothing planned.

I have tried to present both sides of this situation fairly. I feel that I have been deliberately excluded and that she and her friends have been very rude to me. Am I wrong? What is your opinion?

shygrneyzs · May 5, 2007, 07:33 AM

Stop and ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot - if a couple you knew before you were married invited you and not your wife for that vacation. Would you be sticking up for your wife?

It is okay for couples to have something separate. I do not see this situation as a problem. Encourage her to go and have a great time. You make plans to enjoy yourself. Call some friends of your own and take your own vacation. What is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander. See? If your wife gets upset, then you just gently remind her that if she can enjoy her friends without you, you can enjoy your friends without her.

If she makes an issue out of this - then you may want to reconsider why you married her. Because fair play works both ways.

gypsy456 · May 5, 2007, 08:41 AM

Although I encourage when couples do their own things I can hear what you say...

I fully agree with you that it is not exactly considerate of the couple who has invited your wife and not you...

And yes... your wife is right that she should do her own things...

But, having said that: it'smost of the times not so much WHAT is said but HOW things are said...

I am sure, that if this was brought to you in a more subtle way you may have understood this.

Of course.. sometimes we just want to spend time with our own friends we have known before a relationship or marriage.
At the same time: the other half is now a part of our life.

You see... Shygrneyz asks you: "would you stick up for your wife..." if you would have friends who only invited you and not your wife.
And I get the feeling that you would...

Maybe that is what is bothering you more.. that your wife "does not stick up for you" than the fact that she is doing things by herself...

Zebra · May 5, 2007, 09:10 AM

I don't do anything that my wife is not welcome to be a part of. She may choose not to be a part, which is fine, but she always is offered the chance; it's the opportunity to have a choice that is important. Any friend of mine that would exclude "my very best friend" will be politely told that I can't make it.

I believe in YOU, ME and US; but US is always the most important.

My thanks to both Shygrneyzs and Gypsy456 for your thoughts and comments.

lacuran8626 · May 6, 2007, 05:05 PM

I think it's rude to exclude a spouse from any social invitation that is not either work related, or otherwise connected with some structured group like classmates or something like that. I think it's weird that your wife wants to go. I would be irritated, too.

If this is strictly social, there's no legitimate reason for excluding you. I do agree that there are times that spouses travel or socialize separately but it is generally for a readily apparent reason. For example, I took a trip with 5 girlfriends to mark a milestone birthday we were all celebrating in that year and no spouses were include. I've also been part of groups that went out for a celebratory evening at the end of a writing workshop we were all in together, but any spouses who wished to come were welcome.

Fr_Chuck · May 6, 2007, 05:13 PM

It was first wrong for them to invite your wife without inviting you also.

Your wife should not go if she knows it is bothering you.

Zebra · May 6, 2007, 08:32 PM

To everyone who has responded, Thank You for your thoughts and opinions. Fact is, this morning my wife left to meet the couple (her friends) for the one week vacation.

I feel like I have lost my best and most trusted friend and I have some big questions to resolve - and I must do it by myself.

krystal1973 · May 6, 2007, 08:59 PM

Well I do not agree that your wife should have left, I do not understand why she is going with a couple and she is to be by herself. I understand that there are girls nights and mens nights. But I can understand why you are feeling confused about this. There has to be something else to this story! I have a feeling you are not getting all of the correct information about this. I may be wrong.. But gosh it just doesn't make any sense.

momtofour · May 7, 2007, 06:04 AM

I believe that it was extremely rude of this couple to invite your wife and not her spouse. Whether they were friends prior to your marriage or not, you are a couple now. If it was just the wife that was going and not her husband I think I could understand this better. I don't think that your wife should have gone without including you!

If my husband said he was going away golfing with his friends for 5 days, I would say, sure thing, have a great time. If he was going away with another couple I would think that there was something major wrong that I was not included!

Take the week and go and do something fun for yourself!

lacuran8626 · May 9, 2007, 05:11 PM

Not to go to the lowest possible thought but is there a possibility that she's either not going with this couple (meeting a man?) or that she's sexually involved with one or both of the individuals in the couple? I mean, the thought crossed my mind because there is clearly a reason that once she knew it bothered you, she didn't arrange for you to be included.

Sounds really shaky to me.