[sunkisses]

I came across this website looking for some sort of an answer to my problem. I feel its kind of sad not having anyone else in my life to turn to with this, and having to go to the internet and ask complete strangers to tell me what to do. I have friends, but they are idiots and have an emotional quotient of a potted plant - and I don't think anyone I know (friends or family) is capable to telling me what to do in my situation. This is probably the toughest thing I have ever had to do - to type every word of what I feel has been excruciatingly painful, but I feel this is the only way I'll get some answers, now that listening to John Waite"s "I'm Not Missing You" for a millionth time has not made things any easier. :rolleyes:

I am a 27 year old closeted gay guy, and have known this great guy at work (about 6-7 years older than me) for the past 4 years. He used to be my supervisor, and right from the start we had a great working relationship. Over the years, we kind of transcended the normal supervisor-subordinate relationship and became friends. He was my go-to guy for any work trouble I had, because he gave really good and sensible advice. And i know, he was sort of proud of him as well, and counted on me as a good resource. I felt protected around him and it was an enormously comforting feeling, like knowing that I have someone watching my back.

Since the past year or so, I have realized that I have feelings for him. And those feelings have just kept on growing with each passing day. He has a lot of friends, in the workplace and beyond, but sometimes, I have always felt that "vibe" when he talks to me. Theres a bit of flirtation, a bit of fondness and maybe even a hint of love in what he says to me. Maybe I'm just sensing things that I want to sense, but i don't really see or feel any of that when he talks to other people. He gets jokingly pissed at me sometimes, because he says I have these annoying habits that irritate him, just like some habits his wife has (He's said that - one more than one occasion). And i get jokingly upset with him. And he's the first one to make up, come and says sorry and smiles at me. And I just go soft like putty. He calls me and asks me to to come with him every time he goes for a cup of coffee (sometimes 6 - 7 times day) and sits across me in the common room and just looks at me while we sip the coffee. No words are spoken. I'm not the most popular guy in my office by any means. But he does things like these (to me only - he's not that close to anyone else) and it makes me feel special.

This one time, I was planning to go out with a female friend for a platonic lunch on valentine's day and he asked me (in a tone that was trying best not to sound too inquisitive or jealous, or so I imagined?) who I was going with. And when I told him about my female friend, he just walked out of the room without saying anything. And he didn't talk to me at all a couple of days after that.

Another time, He asked to come along when he was taking his dog to the vet. And on the way back in the car, our hands touched when we were petting his dog. And our hands stayed there for a bit. And when I was dropping him home, his wife came home at the same time. And she did not look happy seeing me there. We haven't talked about that ever again.

His wife, well, she's okay really. But I really don't think she's his type. I really don't. I think he is happy with her (although the only time I have heard him say "I love you" to her was on the phone once) but I really don't feel they have any chemistry together. I do think he's with her for the sake of their 2 kids and for honoring his commitment. And I have started to feel that she doesn't really like me around in their home. The times I have been there, she's been a little cold towards me. I mean, I used to get invited to their home for dinner at least about once a month, but lately I haven't been. Even when we (me and this guy) made plans to get together at his place over the weekend but somehow I never got a phone call confirming the time and hence I never went. And this one time, she quizzed me for almost half an hour why I wasn't in a relationship (I wasn't at the time, and still am not). Could she suspect? I don't know.

This guy is the single most important person in my life. Everything I do is about him or I am thinking about him all the time. He's the reason I pick out the clothes I wear so he'll say he likes them. Or if he ever said he didn't like something I was wearing, I haven't worn that thing again. He is the reason I go to work everyday and do my crappy job and put up with the of a boss I have now. He is there in my mind when I listen to a lovesong, and he's there when I go to sleep.

Just to clarify, I have never thought of a sexual fantasy involving him or me. Never. Never have I ever fantasized about thinking of him and me together having sex or making out (though he is incredibly sexy to me - not good looking by the general definition). But the single greatest fantasy I have is to have him say he loves me. "I Love You". Thats it. He holds my hand and kisses me on the forehead and says he feels the same way. I would die a happy man. I really would. That's all I really want from him. I understand he's married with kids. And a relationship's never going to happen.

The thing is, a couple of weeks ago he has gotten a better job offer from another company and has tendered his resignation and its just a matter of time he will leave the company where we work. And its a better offer, so I am happy for him. He's talked about looking around for a better job quite a number of times, but I never thought he'd ever do it. But i really don't know how I'm going to deal with him not being there. Not being able to see him everyday, or to talk to him. I have been in pain over how to deal with his going away. When he told me he took the offer, I felt gutted. And I don't think i said "congratulations!" or "good going!" or some crap like that to him.

So for the last couple of weeks, I have started ignoring him. So that maybe I get used to it when he's not around anymore. I go on my coffee breaks alone (he sees me going and coming alone, and has even said a couple of times that it's rude of me) and I refuse politely when he asks me come with him for a coffee break, like he did in the old times (saying I have work or that I just had my break) . I don't talk to him at all, hoping that he gets mad at me or something. And says something rude or offensive to me. And perhaps that'll make it easier for me not to have him around.

But it hasn't made anything easier. Even though I have refused consistently, he still asks me to come with him for coffee breaks. and still comes in and says "Hi!" to me first thing in the morning and says "Goodbye" when he's leaving. Not just to everyone. To me. Travels the distance to my workstation and says "Hi" or "Goodbye" to me. And he seems kind of frustrated and a tiny bit sad. He's asked me 3 or 4 times what's wrong and why am I acting the way I am. And I told him nothing's wrong and I'm just preoccupied with work. You know, a completely unbelievable excuse, hoping he'd know what's wrong. But the fact it, its not helping me. And I don't think its helping him either.

But what I really ask of anyone who reads this is how do I deal with this. The thing is that right from the start, I knew there wasn't a future. Since he's married and has kids and everything. So the question isn't that should I tell him about my feelings or not. I mean, I could be mistaken that he even has any feelings for me. But some of the instances that I have talked about above do sort of portray that he does. I feel protected and loved and cared for when I'm around him. I think I have classic daddy issues (you know, absence of a strong male personality in my early life, and hence the need to look for someone like that). And I just don't think there's going to be any other guy like him in my life. He is the greatest thing in my life right now, and when he leaves, I know a part of me will die.

[pergammano]

Forbidden fruits create many jams. I am really concerned for your mental happiness as you seem so "single" focused on this fellow. I think this is obsessive behaviour and it would be worth your while to seek professional consultation. Please look after yourself as a lot of your responses seem almost childlike.

[Emland]

Since there is no chance for a relationship and he is married - keep your feelings to yourself.

I think his moving on will be the best thing for you. Instead of sitting quietyly pining for someone who is not available, get out, get active and meet someone who is available.

[smoothy]

Never, ever have a relationship with a coworker... even if they are single. I've seen nothing but trouble over the last 26 years I have worked with people who did that. I can't think of ANY cases where it worked and have seen dozens of flaming failures that led to people getting fired and worse. And those were with single people. If someone is married multiply the possibility of word getting back to a spouse and far worse happening.

Keep the fantasy a fantasy. Reality rarely equals the fantasy.

[RubyPitbull]

sunkisses, I appreciate the fact that you PM'd me to look at your question because you thought that my response to someone else was good advice. I thank you for having that kind of faith in me. Saying, that, I think you know what I am about to say here.

I agree with all the other posters above.

Look, you know that there isn't any possibility of a relationship with this man. You said so yourself. He is married. No if's, ands, or buts, about it. As I told the other poster, if you were a woman, I would tell you the same thing. Married people are off limits, much less married co-workers! And, if the wife was not "his type" as you suggest, he wouldn't be with her! So, let's just grab that little piece of personal interpretation on your part, and throw it out the window, shall we? Because, in the end, no matter what you think, it is just what YOU think.

You suggest that the wife doesn't seem to want you around and the dinner invites have fallen to the wayside. Did you ever stop to think that your friend may have invited you to dinner without letting his wife know ahead of time? That may be the reason you felt the cold shoulder from her, not because as you suggest, she may suspect your true feelings toward her husband. And, so what if she did? It doesn't change the fact that THEY are a couple, THEY are married, THEY have a life together, THEY have two children together, and THEY are STAYING together. Your personal interpretation of their relationship is based upon this fantasy you have created in your mind. Nothing more. Regarding all the other little things that have occurred between the two of you in which you suggest his feelings for you are more than just a co-worker and friend, the "unaccidental" touching and so forth, you are ABSOLUTELY wrong in your analysis of this. Do you want me to play devil's advocate here? Okay, I will. Even if you were right, so what? What does that mean? ABSOLUTELY nothing, because in the end, this guy is NEVER going to act upon these "feelings" you think he has for you. If he was, he would have done so by now. 4 years is way too long a time for ANYONE to wait out something like this. So, honey, you need to wake up and smell the coffee! HE Isn't INTERESTED IN YOU THE WAY YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HIM! I am sorry for being so harsh but it appeared to me that you need me to give you a verbal smack in the head. You need to stop playing this head game with yourself NOW.

What you have done is so very detrimental to your mental health, my dear. You have built up a major fantasy of the hugest proportions in your head. This is so not healthy, and you know it. I have to agree with pergammano here regarding seeking counseling/therapy. For 4 years you have fallen so deeply into this fantasy, that anyone telling you to snap out of it and look elsewhere, is not going to be enough for you. You might listen for a day or two, but our words here will fade away very quickly and you will fall back into this trap you have set for yourself. You need an objective party to help you work through this. This is not an easy fix and will take a lot of time. You have to undo 4 years worth of damage. You have to constructively work at moving past this obsession. Because that is what this is. A complete and total obsession with this guy. To state that just having him kiss you on the forehead and tell you he loves you and then you would die a happy man, tells me that you are lying to us and to yourself. If he ever did anything like that, you would most definitely interpret that to mean that he has finally acknowledged your love for him, and the two of you will happily go off into the sunset together. Complete pie in the sky fantasy my friend. I am sorry for coming off so harsh here but I really need to keep hitting you over the head with my two by four. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, find some professional help for this. You seem like a nice enough guy. You need to find someone who is available and open to a relationship with you, who is in a position to return all the love that you have to offer. Start getting some professional help to aid you in moving past this obssession so you can open yourself up to meeting that someone. I would hate to see you wake up one day, all alone, and realize that you have wasted your life on a fantasy. Four years is enough time wasted. Please, give this, and what we have all said to you here, careful consideration.

[Emland]

Have to spread the love, Rubypitbull, but had to say you are spot on.

[pergammano]

Wow! Ruby Pitbull... you calls them as you sees 'em. What an astute, thoughtful, honest reply... and I so hope your words are heeded! I am wondering if this person should resign their position, move on with their life... I am almost reading that any gesture is being misinterpreted? The whole picture doesn't seem to being observed, only the self-serving picture. You really must (not you, Rube) SORT this situation out soon. I am worried for your mental health... and soon it will be your physical health. Please seek help.

[Fr_Chuck]

First, don't mater gay or not, they are married, and as such you don't date married people, no good will come from it, until they are already separated.

Next why are you still in the closet, we are, who we are, How are you going to find someone in your life, if you don't let people know who you are. I am not saying send out cards annoucing your "coming out party"
But we all have to honest about who we are.

[RubyPitbull]

pergammano, I am a Pitbull after all. ;)

Fr Chuck, you are spot on. sunkisses needs to come out of the closet in order to find the loving relationship he deserves. Without doing that, he will never find happiness or fulfillment in his personal life.

[pergammano]

It's easier for me, as I have not been where you are. It is essential that you come to terms with yourself, learn to love who you are! You must love yourself, in order to be loved. Be good to yourself, you have made the first big step... God Bless You!