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    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #1

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:27 AM
    Just need someone to talk to.sick of being upset
    Hey all,

    I feel like I am sturggling a bit, there are a few things I just want to get an opinion on...

    As you may, or may not, know, I have been talking with my ex in a friendly manner for a few weeks now. It is probably true that I never totally got over her, but things were looking quite good as far as getting back together, and I didn't want to ruin that. AFter a conversation last night, I am starting to feel I may have been wrong.

    I have known all along that she had feelings for someone else, though not much can happen between them because of their school situation, and he is moving away. In any case, she mentioned to me on the phone that she was afraid "I had forgotten" he was there, as she was not mentioning him as I asked. Truth is, I never forgot that he was there, though I was thinking he was less in the picture as she never talked about it. She wanted to be sure that I didn't forget that he was there, and she didn't want me to slip into thinking we were already getting back together. This made me feel as if there was something bigger going on, and she was afraid to tell me, but in all honesty, nothing is and I was just overreacting to what I already knew.

    I was upset, and still am to a degree, but its more confusion than anything. I honestly believe I was beginning to heal even while I was talking to her. I could see her as a just a friend, and I still do, but saying things like "the reason we broke up was because I wanted to be single" still hurt me.

    Now I am not sure where I need to be headed. I would love to remain friends with her. We have been talking once or twice during the week, and would see each other on the weekends sometime. I will not be home for another two weeks, and this is when she is out of school and this other someone is gone.

    I know I am most likely going to be told to disappear and not talk to her at all, but I'm not sure if I can do that knowing she still thinks about us being together in the future. She has told me that lately she has been 'waiting' for the summer to see what happens, and that is basically what I wanted to do. After all, its only two weeks away. I also know that she still has feelings for me (she has kissed me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc), but she seems to be a different person at school. She told me that this may be because "he" is at school, and she is more distracted by friends.

    Im starting to get really sick of being upset every single day. For God's sake, three months is long enough. I hate waking up and being down about everything. I hate being afraid to think about anything for fear of upsetting myself. I hate wanting to call her, just to talk to her, and knowing that I cannot/should not.

    How can I leave her behind when there is a chance (from both sides) we will be together again?? Does moving on and getting over it necessarily mean there is no more chance?

    Sorry for the long post, sometimes I just get sick of my life the way it is, and that scares me.
    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #2

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:41 AM
    Yeh no contact will help you. After a period of healing then you can decide. You will be more emotionally stable as well. Give it a good few months probably about 6 before you start light contact again. Of course if she is seeing someone else by then, then hey you would have moved on, if your still hurting now is not a good time. Every time you speak to her your going back to square one! So NC for a bit, concentrate on the things you want to do and what you enjoy. Have fun enjoy life. Or in a few months you wouldn't have got anywhere.
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #3

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:42 AM
    I just thought of another point:

    If the thought of her with someone else still bothers me that much, its obvious I haven't gotten over her. I just don't see how I can get over her, because I can't walk away from an opportunity to have the best thing I've ever had.. again.
    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #4

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:46 AM
    Exactly! Well maybe it isn't the best thing ever. Why put your life on hold. Learn and be stronger, next time don't give yourself away to easy. Hold back a bit in your next relationship and have your own life, that way it will be easier with your next break. Unfortunately if one pair doesn't fit then we move onto the next until we find the right one and this isin't usually until were in our 30's + Also I don't believe in the one, so plenty of fishes who can provide something new and refreshing :P Just keep your friends and family close. You can only rely on yourself!

    AND OF COURSE YOU CAN GET OVER HER.
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #5

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:49 AM
    Thanks for the advice Jiser...

    I know that I can get over her, but this is my problem.

    How can I move on, as in give up on her, when I know there is a chance. Its probably stupid, but all I want is to be with her again, and I know there is a chance. Knowing this makes it so much harder to move on, because that requires me saying "Its never going to happen again".

    I feel like my choice is: Keep hurting and wait to see what happens with the chance we have, or move on and risk being miserable because I will always wonder what if.
    a_broken_promise's Avatar
    a_broken_promise Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 30, 2007, 07:58 AM
    I can't say I know exactly what your going through but I am hurt all the same. I still love my ex boyfriend and he claims to love me too. But whether we get back together is still unanswered. He wants me and I want him and there is only one thing in our way. And that is fear, the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of losing that "one", the fear feeling that same pain and getting the same wounds all over again. But I plan on stepping up because wounds will heal even though the scars remain. You should not fear but embrace. If you leave her alone one of two things could happen... 1) she could miss you dearly and realize you are her "one". Or 2) she could forget your existence and date that other guy. Which ever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. And if you ever need anybody to talk to, about anything, please know I am here. I may not know you and you not know me, but that doesn't mean we can't help each other get through this mess called our love lifes.
    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #7

    Apr 30, 2007, 08:13 AM
    If they wanted you back, they would bloodie well let you know! So if they don't there is no chance, none of this hot and cold rubbish, move on and get healthy both of u
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #8

    Apr 30, 2007, 09:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jiser
    If they wanted you back, they would bloodie well let you know! So if they don't there is no chance, none of this hot and cold rubbish, move on and get healthy both of u
    So basically your saying by moving on, I'm not really making anything impossible...

    If its going to happen that way, it will no matter how I have moved on?

    I only hope that I can remain to get better while remaining in contact with her. It seemed to be working, and I still feel healthier than I was, though this latest incident makes me challenge whether it is possible for me to lose the desire to be with her, when I am friends with her. I know its harder this way, I just hope its still possible.

    Thanks again for all the advice Jiser, to be honest, I look up to how well you've handled your situation -- I hope I can be there sooner rather than later.
    SouthernBelle06's Avatar
    SouthernBelle06 Posts: 166, Reputation: 83
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    #9

    Apr 30, 2007, 01:49 PM
    You are not going to get over her as long as you are stuck in hope of a reconciliation and are still talking to her. The fact that she made a point to remind you about the other person says that she knows you want to get back together and this was her way of letting you know that it isn't happening. She was slowing you down and reminding you that you are no longer together. You clearly don't want to get over her and until you reach a point that you are either ready to try to get over her or know that you absolutely must get over her for your own sake, you will continue to torture yourself in trying to be her friend. Everyone would like to be friends after a breakup, it's just simply impossible right away sometimes and that's life.

    It sounds like you haven't really accepted her reasons for breaking up and that you are hoping that this other guy will just "go away" as he is moving to go to school. But the trouble here is that the problem likely isn't all about the other guy. If she wants to be single there will likely be some other guy if it isn't the one who is moving.

    I just think that you are playing with fire here and are going down a road where you will be hurt. She still kind of "has you" while getting to date other guys. If fact she still has you waiting. She may begin to lose some respect for you. I read in a book somewhere "Hanging around and being available if your ex wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his or her eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Just keep this in mind. Be true to your own needs and be careful here.

    If she wants you back she will let you know. I agree with Jiser. This waiting around business is not helping you. If she wants to date other guys, she likely will whether you are being her "friend" or not. I hope you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #10

    Apr 30, 2007, 02:34 PM
    I have been doing a bit of thinking today, and I think I have gotten somewhere...

    First off: SouthernBelle,
    It is hard for me not to wait around because of the actions that she "accidentally" does. Holding my hand, kissing me, saying she sees us in the future, etc. She did all of this unprompted, and completely out of the blue. To be honest, I think her mind changes too much, and I analyze what she was doing too much.

    You are right about the being too available thing. I was trying to be her friend, and I was not contacting her at all. I was giving her the space that she wanted, but I wasn't letting her know that I was gone. She has known the entire time that I am still here, and she is using that against me - whether she knows it or not.

    Now the part that scares me. She will lose all of her friends in two weeks. They are all moving quite far away, as her schooling is over. This includes the other someone. When this happens, she will be expecting me to be here, for her to talk to. All of a sudden, I am good enough to talk to again - because nothing else is left for her to do.

    Maybe I'm just angry, but I am starting to feel like I am being used, whether she likes it or not. I guess it is just hard to see when she is so sweet and caring on the phone and to my face. From the bottom of my heart, I don't think she is doing it on purpose. I have forced her to realize some of it, and it upset her deeply. I give her the benefit of a doubt that she doesn't mean to hurt me, but it still hurts.

    I will be damned if I am going to stay around and be plan B. If she wants to talk to me, fine. I may answer, I may not. I am not going to ignore her, that's for sure.

    I won't be calling her, IMing her, or texting her. If she calls me, I may answer, or I may not. She needs to start to see that I am not sitting around. I haven't been waiting for her phone call, but I also haven't moved on, and she knows it.

    When the weekends come, it will be hardest. I want to talk to her more than anything most of the time, but I can't allow myself to follow her around while she takes her sweet time deciding what she wants. To tell me that she still cares for me, and sometimes sees a future with me, and at the same time to say that I need to remember there is someone else in the picture is playing games... is it not?
    a_broken_promise's Avatar
    a_broken_promise Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 30, 2007, 02:43 PM
    Indeed it is! You can't wait on her. Live your own life. You won't always be around for her to fall back on. She needs to realize that and make up her mind.
    Pheonix Child's Avatar
    Pheonix Child Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Apr 30, 2007, 02:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06
    You are not going to get over her as long as you are stuck in hope of a reconciliation and are still talking to her. The fact that she made a point to remind you about the other person says that she knows you want to get back together and this was her way of letting you know that it isn't happening. She was slowing you down and reminding you that you are no longer together. You clearly don't want to get over her and until you reach a point that you are either ready to try to get over her or know that you absolutely must get over her for your own sake, you will continue to torture yourself in trying to be her friend. Everyone would like to be friends after a breakup, it's just simply impossible right away sometimes and that's life.

    It sounds like you haven't really accepted her reasons for breaking up and that you are hoping that this other guy will just "go away" as he is moving to go to school. But the trouble here is that the problem likely isn't all about the other guy. If she wants to be single there will likely be some other guy if it isn't the one who is moving.

    I just think that you are playing with fire here and are going down a road where you will be hurt. She still kind of "has you" while getting to date other guys. If fact she still has you waiting. She may begin to lose some respect for you. I read in a book somewhere "Hanging around and being available if your ex wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his or her eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Just keep this in mind. Be true to your own needs and be careful here.

    If she wants you back she will let you know. I agree with Jiser. This waiting around business is not helping you. If she wants to date other guys, she likely will whether you are being her "friend" or not. I hope you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.
    I agree with you SouthernBelle. You've been pushed over for this other guy. I think you could either: Take back your place by pushing over the other guy, or leave her alone to her manipulative games. Anyway just by going on with your life you will still be more appealing than by waiting for her. But please, do something or move on. You have to ask yourself, Do you want to be second best after that guy goes away, anyway? Note: By answering no you do become BETTER) In time she will realise what she had and what she lost. Little comfort though.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #13

    Apr 30, 2007, 04:13 PM
    No contact! It is as simple as that! You have no other option if you truly want to feel better.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,272, Reputation: 10853
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    #14

    Apr 30, 2007, 04:34 PM
    Well I can only say that if you go here, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1298646
    And reread the good advice you have gotten since Feb, You would have been well on your way to good health by now, but its not to late to do as Skell has said and do the NO CONTACT the right way, and not your way. You have been tip toeing around it, holding out hope, and reacting to her touch, so now forget all of that, and don't call or return calls, disappear from her life and get one that you enjoy without her in it. Leave her alone and let her live her life without you, and the confusion will clear and you will feel so much better.
    Pheonix Child's Avatar
    Pheonix Child Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Apr 30, 2007, 04:52 PM
    By only waiting for her, THE FACT IS; IF she ever deceides ''she loves you'' and comes back, it will be for all the wrong reasons.
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #16

    Apr 30, 2007, 04:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Well I can only say that if you go here, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1298646
    And reread the good advice you have gotten since Feb, You would have been well on your way to good health by now, but its not to late to do as Skell has said and do the NO CONTACT the right way, and not your way. You have been tip toeing around it, holding out hope, and reacting to her touch, so now forget all of that, and don't call or return calls, disappear from her life and get one that you enjoy without her in it. Leave her alone and let her live her life without you, and the confusion will clear and you will feel so much better.
    Tal,

    I agree with you, and I have always understood yours and skells point, however I have a question that has always been in my way. I understand what NC is for, why it should be used, and how it works... my issue is this:

    How am I supposed to implement NC when there is a definite chance that something could come of what we had. Im not saying it would be easy, and it might not even be worth it, but I am certain she still feels for me, and is afraid of me moving on. Implementing NC would be me slamming that door, not only in her face, but in my own as well. I can't deny that I want what I had back, and to remove the only opportunity to get that seems senseless to me.

    I understand that I have the issue of being pushed aside, and it would take serious work for me to trust her again, but these things aside... what if I am ruining the only chance that I have left?

    Does the use of NC automatically mean I am closing the door on this possibility? Or am I just removing it from my mind, and leaving the actions to her?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,272, Reputation: 10853
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    #17

    Apr 30, 2007, 05:10 PM
    No contact gives you a chance to heal and make decisions based on facts and not emotions. To get healthy and see things clearly. To get unstuck from the nonproductive notions, and get your confidence back into your life.

    and leaving the actions to her?
    You are taking back control of your life, and finding your own happiness.

    You've been trippin' the last 3 months, and how much progress have you made, honestly?
    sypher373's Avatar
    sypher373 Posts: 360, Reputation: 38
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    #18

    Apr 30, 2007, 05:29 PM
    I know I need to take control of my emotions back.

    Over the last three months I think that I have made some progress, though its not as much as it should be. I was hoping that by summer time (one week from now) we could be friends, or possibly more.

    I am much more able to deal with the emotions that confront me everyday. I no longer get upset to the point of crying about it, and for the most part, I have accept what has happened.

    Still though, I am hesitant to cut all contact if it means closing the door on any chance of reconciliation. I am not na´ve enough to say that my situation is so much different than any other, though it seems that in most cases, one party becomes extremely distant and forces the other to move on. To this point, that has not happened, and she has told me her feelings about me.

    I made it clear that I cannot hear that, as it holds me back, but that doesn't stop me from knowing that the feelings exist. Maybe there is no answer, but does it really come down to the choice between feeling better and no chance, or a chance and feeling horrible?
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #19

    Apr 30, 2007, 05:32 PM
    What Tal said!

    And

    If something is going to be (which is highly unlikely anyway), no contact will not prevent it from happening.

    What no contact will do is give you both a chance to move forward in positive direction. Assess your lives and where you are at. Reflect on what was wrong before. You will move on. And then if things are meant to be and you somehow come back together the relationship will be much better, because it will involve two healthy and different people to the one that failed last time.

    Your hanging onto false hope. It is killing you. You have to start today. No more contact. Nothing. But I am quite sure you won't listen. You just can't accept that it is over and has been for a fair while now!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #20

    Apr 30, 2007, 05:35 PM
    She has let go. That's why she is comfortable being friends with you. She doesn't really care for you anymore other than as someone who once she did care about. Nothing more.

    She doesn't want you back.

    She is interested in someone else.

    You are in massive massive denial. Until you can accept that it is over you will make as much progress as you have to this point, and that is zero.

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