[talaniman]

Two caterpillars

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."





Stricter with the screening process

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."

He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."

"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?





Women in Combat

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.

I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."




For The Kids...

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!

[Capuchin]

I don't know what time you call this, but my Thursday hell started several hours ago.

[Peyton666]

How do you come up with these? lol they are freaking hilarious

[Emland]

Tal, you funny!