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    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 5, 2020, 12:09 PM
    Sexual Incompatibilities
    Me and my boyfriend were together for almost 3 years and then we broke up in 2018. We had many issues, and we both had contributed to those. We dated here and there in the last 2 years, however we got back to each other a month ago. things have changed a lot, in terms of how we used to fight in the past. We don't have any nasty fights anymore, we have disagreements, but we are able to talk peacefully without yelling at each other. We both love each other, and care for each other too. I have dated men who I find untrustworthy, but I am able to trust my boyfriend. We have a lot of things in common, and there are many aspects of this relation that make us believe that we are good for each other. However, we have a major issue which is our sexual incompatibility. He wants sex almost everyday, and though I am someone who enjoys sex a lot, this unsaid pressure of him wanting sex all the time, is making me pull away from him. I am someone who likes my space, and wants some alone time, however he likes to spend a lot of time together. I work from home due to covid, and even while working he would be like 'can we have a quickie', or he would be talking to me ignoring the fact that I need to focus on my work. We talked about this a couple of times, and we somehow are not able to reach an agreement on this. While sleeping, he would want to hug me like a pillow all night, but I cannot sleep comfortably that way. And though I have talked about this multiple times, when we sleep he keeps pulling me towards him, and it disrupts my sleep. I am confused now as to, whether these things are simple and can be ignored and worked out, or are these serious enough to not be together. We decided to break up again multiple times because neither him or I am happy because we are not on the same page when it comes to sex. He is going through a lot of stress right now especially because of covid, and sex is apparently a form of release for him. However, I have a lot of work stress, and sex is the last thing on my mind when I am stressed. His anger/resentment comes out in his behavior and it is more like we are complaining all the time about, how the other person is not being understanding - for him I am not having sex with him which is not helping him, for me - I feel very suffocated with this expectation and demands, and I kind of miss my alone time. I told him that I do not want to meet him everyday (we have been meeting every single day), to which he responded saying he is okay to just meet me for sex, and then he could meet me whenever I want him to. I am so stressed - one part of me says relationships involve compromises and sacrifices and so I should continue, but another part of me says that this relation is adding stress and this clear incompatibility will only lead to more issues in the future. I would like some opinions on this.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    Aug 5, 2020, 02:13 PM
    Relationships require MUTUAL sacrifices and understanding, and many areas of compatibility, and resolution to issues, and constant evaluations and adjustments. Not all relationships last forever though and some are off and on for quite sometime. At this point though I suspect that the pattern is emerging and sex is the stumbling block that has not been resolved as yet. Maybe never, so enjoy your freedom and space while it lasts and just see what happens.

    Since you see nothing but unresolved stress over the sexual incompatibility, think long and hard about getting back into this relationship. Is it really worth it? Or are your trust issues limiting your options? Or maybe HOW you deal with your trust issues is what should be addressed more effectively?

    Or maybe you keep talking for a resolution, or compromise that works for you both, while you deal with your own issues. Hard to say, so what do you think? He seems happy to have a friend with benefits, but you not so much. So again, is it worth the stress and sacrifice?
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Aug 5, 2020, 02:49 PM
    Thanks Talaniman for the response. 'Trust issues' is definitely limiting my options, however I can't say that's the only reason here. We have a history together, and have invested a lot of time together (definitely not saying that these are reasons to be stuck in a relation if it doesn't work). And he doesn't treat me as friends with benefits. If I ask him to marry me next week, he would. He has told me many times how he wants to have security by being in a committed relationship, get married and have a family. I am the one unable to commit because of the incompatibilities over sex. We even considered the option of being in an open relationship, so he can probably find a hook up (though we weren't sure if this would have worked), so that way the sexual frustrations are attended to. But, he was not fine with the idea of me meeting other men (though I have never hooked up, nor was I intending to), plus he did want a monogamous relation. So we didn't go ahead with that option. I do believe that relationships require compromises and sacrifices, but forcing myself to have sex with my partner because of an unsaid expectation, is something that only is giving me stress. Other than this one issue, everything else seems to be having a solution in our relation.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Aug 5, 2020, 05:09 PM
    People who are willing to keep working on their challenges usually do, even if it takes a very long time, or settle for a doable option around it. Only you can say if it's worth it or not, or if it's just a deal breaker. I know too many who tolerate things to keep things going for decades. Wonder if you would benefit from managing the stress of giving into sex? How old are you both?
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 5, 2020, 06:00 PM
    He is in his late 20s and I am in my early 30s.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #6

    Aug 5, 2020, 07:12 PM
    Might there be a maturity gap as well, which just makes the sex stuff all the more stressful? Not unusual, but people seldom change and I doubt he will.

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