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    hopeless3200's Avatar
    hopeless3200 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 30, 2018, 12:04 PM
    Is my boyfriend lying?
    Is he lying?

    I am desperately looking for advice on a particular issue(s) that has been driving me insane and obsessive over the last 4 months.

    Back in December I found a bunch of porn in my boyfriend’s phone and at first he got extremely defensive and angry saying things such as “So what I watched a little porn, who the f*** hasn’t?” and “My girlfriend has been banged 38 times but I masturbate instead of meeting people online” and “Some couples watch it together" and "My urologist said to watch porn to increase my sex drive" etc. The last one isn't true because his urologist never said that. His urologist said that masturbation helps increase a libido. Needless to say, he was very mean to me and even degraded me for my sexual past.

    Fast forward to about 1 week later and he told a very different story. He wanted to get everything out on the table as he stated. He claimed that he stopped watching porn in his mid-20's (he's 39), he finds it degrading, repetitive and has no interest in it and the only reason he started to watch it was to be more open with me because apparantly he thinks I'm into deviant acts such as BDSM, same-sex and threesomes and he's not into that but he wanted to try and get into it. None of the above are true about me and we have talked about those in the past but that's it. He said that after he would watch it he would be disgusted and disgusted with himself and after looking at BDSM and what-not he went to "normal" porn and imagined him and I doing those actions.

    To this day, 4 months later he will not budge from his story that he started to watch it to be more open with me but I find his "honesty" bull. The reason I say that is because...

    1.) He has never once brought up his concerns with my sexuality. He has never once told me he's not into this or that or whatever he thought I was into.

    2.) The porn I saw had absolutely nothing to do with his story. The ones I saw were young blonde babe , thin 18 year old, big breasted, in mouth, messy ect...

    3.) If he watched it to be sexually open with me then why did he keep it a secret?

    4.) He's 39 years old which means he's experienced and he already knows what deviances are out there and so he didn't have to "start watching porn to be more open with me."

    5.) He told me that he was "exploring" for 2-3 weeks but I find that bull because of the type of porn I saw and I don't find it belivable that someone that's curious would watch it for a few weeks. Maybe a couple of days but not weeks.

    I have this feeling deep down that he's lying even though I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes but I find his story absolute bull.

    Here's something else, on top of finding porn I also found URL's to POF.com which included profile views, message responses and even an advanced search to which he denies all of that - he said he went to shut down his match.com and POF.com profiles and responded to a few "undesirable women" and looked through a few profiles.

    And another thing, back in November I found text messages between him and a female "friend" and in them he told her he's sorry he didn't get back to her and that he was working all week (he didn't have a job then) and asked her for a second chance. He stated they met on Match.com a couple of years ago and remained friends. He never told her about me though. In fact, in their text conversation she asked him what his plans were for that night and he responded "Nothing. I'm all alone. Pretty boring, huh?" Actually, he spent that weekend with me.

    He has since then changed his phone password and acts shady as far as where he places it and keeping it on silent. He also deletes his browsing history often too.

    It's not the actual porn that bothers me the most, it's the lying. It's the fact that he can look me square in the eye and lie straight to my face about anything at anytime.

    Please, I need help.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,052, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Apr 30, 2018, 01:06 PM
    How long have you been together? I only ask because often couples find out a lot about each other after a few YEARS together, and the reason they keep secrets are because yes they are liars and deceptive, or they think their partner will never understand and they have trust issues. Or are just disrespectful and uncaring.

    Hate to say this but you really could stand a new partner. You will never get over this crisis of trust until he can come completely clean and not seeing that happen but you never know. A lying cheater is nothing to fool with, or waste time hoping he gets it and changes. So how long have you invested in this lying cheater already, and haven't you had enough?

    Having said all that, you sound like a snooper, and that's not good either.
    hopeless3200's Avatar
    hopeless3200 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 30, 2018, 01:15 PM
    We started as FWB for 2 years and got into a relationship in early 2017. I am normally not a snooper but back in November my gut told me something wasn't right. Prior to this strange feeling I wouldn't think twice about looking through his phone.
    hopeless3200's Avatar
    hopeless3200 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 30, 2018, 01:59 PM
    Plus, if he already knew what he was and wasn't comfortable with sexually then why would he "try to get into it" (whatever he thought I was into) by watching porn? Isn't that counterproductive? You can't get into anything with porn because you're not there!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 30, 2018, 02:05 PM
    You deserve each other!
    You over-reacted to your man watching porn, masturbating to porn, AND keeping it a secret.
    He got overly defensive.

    Now give yourselves a kick in the pants and start over. NO RECRIMINATIONS. It's just not that big a deal.

    As for you and your title question, is he lying. Maybe. People do lie. People snoop. Is that better than lying? Oh right - BUT you had a feeling, so that excused it.
    I'm not taking his side against you. I'm trying to show why you are meant for each other.
    hopeless3200's Avatar
    hopeless3200 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 30, 2018, 03:29 PM
    Maybe it’s not a big deal to you. I’m not looking for opinions based on the morality of porn. I’m asking if he’s lying.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Apr 30, 2018, 03:46 PM
    What is it with couples who make lists of all the wrongs throughout the relationship. If you look at it from my distance, you see a guy who does one thing wrong and then everything he's ever done is brought up by you. He's no angel, I get that. But holy crap the arguing and bickering would drive me insane. Neither one of you are putting the other person first and that's something successful partnerships have in common. I think maybe all of us would be happy if you two walk away from this, whatever it is. Life is way too short for this much drama.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #8

    Apr 30, 2018, 03:51 PM
    Changed my mind. Neither one of you deserves the other.

    You are asking total strangers if he's lying. Based on YOUR account of events.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #9

    Apr 30, 2018, 06:52 PM
    Person complaining the loudest, is usually the one in the relationship with the most baggage... personally... start snooping on me... you get the boot. You are only a girlfriend, not his fiancée, not his wife, and certainly not his owner. I've been married 27 years and I've NEVER had to put up with that crap.

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