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    wrestling97girl's Avatar
    wrestling97girl Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 11, 2018, 01:55 AM
    What should I do when this happens? How do I let them know Iím uncomfortable?
    In high school I was on a mostly guys sports team ( wrestling). So Iím friends with some of the guys and enjoy hanging out with them. The problem is they always have treated me like ďone of the guys ď which is fine until I end up in a conversation about sex or dating or porn or how hot some girl is... and Iíve never done anything like that or even really dated and Iím a girl. Iím usually not the only girl when we hangout but usually the only other girls are their girlfriends. What should I do when this happens?
    Usually I just stay quiet and try to tune out the conversation but sometimes one of the guys will say something like I bet ( me ) knows all about that , or imply I would be interested in that ,or ask my opinion .They know Iím sort of shy/ quiet ( so itís sort of nice they are trying to include me in the conversation) and have never had a boyfriend or done anything like that so I know they mean it as a joke but it sometimes feels like they forgot Iím a girl and is uncomfortable because not only do I have nothing to contribute to the conversation I think of most of them as brothers so itís awkward hear about them doing things like that.
    Aside from when that happens I enjoy hanging out/ being friends with them ( this happens around 1 out of 3 times we hangout and is usually a short conversation) . Also Iím age 20 turning 21 this year the guys are the same age or 1 year older than me and weíve known each other for around 10 years and been friends for around 6 years.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,321, Reputation: 10855

    Mar 11, 2018, 05:30 AM
    Is that all you hang around with? GUYS you have known since before puberty? You certainly won't broaden your horizons, or experiences, running in the same circle, with your "brothers and childhood guy friends". Obviously their experiences and interests as "growing" guys is vastly different than yours as a "growing" girl. Sounds a bit strange to me that you would still hold on to your high school team status a few years removed. They may treat you as one of the guys, but you're not, at least not in that one area you are awkward about.

    You don't mention female friends, or activities so should I assume there are none? What do you do outside of this sports group? Hey, its never wrong to go quiet in any group conversation you are not familiar with, or be shy when you have no experiences that you can share. The guys know that, and no doubt gently tease you about it. It comes with the territory. What should you do? Nothing you can do about guys being guys but you can do something about YOU being you, as you transition from HS guy sport girl, into a broader more defined woman. You work, or go to school don't you?
    wrestling97girl's Avatar
    wrestling97girl Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 11, 2018, 01:19 PM
    I mentioned being a wrestler because thatís how I met those guys. After high school I stayed at home to go to college /work. The wrestling program where I live has a strong club program and I am a coach of the team. Obviously I have other friends I hangout with some who are female ( who I hangout with more often) and other activities / a job I do. That just didnít apply to my question. Some of the guys also help coach , and others have moved away for school/ work (but we all are still involved in wrestling as a coach, ref, college wrestlers or just an alumni wrestlers who comes out to practice once in a while for a training partner). I enjoy hanging out with them as wrestling is a sport where people who arenít involved in it donít really care or understand it so itís great having friends who understand why I enjoy wrestling so much and know me well enough that they understand that even though I like coaching Iím still getting used to being in charge ( as I used to be really shy and now Iím in charge having confident and loud.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,321, Reputation: 10855

    Mar 11, 2018, 02:09 PM
    Thank you so much for adding those facts, because they do make a difference to the bigger picture. You seem to be well balanced, though not as experienced with guys on the dating level, as your friends are and of course guys love to talk about hot girls. That's perfectly fine as is your (NON) response and awkwardness to something you simply cannot speak about. That generally happens that way to all of us in similar situations be it about fishing, or race cars, or the latest fashions. It's always something, anything or everything, so nothing to do really except accept them as being guys, and don't be awkward about it. Just listen. I suspect they are curious though about your romantic interest and that's natural, but it's wise to not take that bait, or embellish any attractions, or hopes and dreams when they try to draw you into the conversation.

    It's also pretty natural for them to be curious, if even just in passing, about YOUR dating experiences, and likes as a girl and just one of the guys, since they do know almost everything about you except that. Let 'em wonder, but my question is why you have never just said you have no hot boyfriend, or ever dated? What stops you from being open about it with your buds? Is that just the shyness making you reluctance to share that with these fellows? Or are they hitting a sore point? Is it a big deal that you haven't dated yet?

    Yeah I'm nosy and everybody knows that, but I want to know how you feel about things so I can be helpful with my suggestions. Thanks for sharing the FACTS, and the CONTEXTS of those facts.
    wrestling97girl's Avatar
    wrestling97girl Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 11, 2018, 04:03 PM
    They know that Iíve never had a boyfriend or dated. What they donít know is that around 5 years ago there was a guy I really liked, I became friends with him, and we could talk for hours with each other. He would invite me to hang out with him and his friends but then weíd end up hanging out mostly just with each other. So we were more than just friends but when one of his friends asked if we were dating he was quick to say that we were just friends. So it seemed like he only thought of me as a friend so I tried to hangout / talk to him often but never told him about my feelings for him. Then he got a girlfriend ,I was jealous of her, she tried to become friends with me ( he seemed happy and I wanted him to be happy) so I started avoiding them. They only dated for a few months but after that our friendship wasnít as close . I know I cared / liked him a lot more than he liked me. So I stopped going out of my way to talk or hangout with him. Eventually we hardly saw each other and he got a new girlfriend. So although we never dated emotionally we were close and it feels to me like we did. I have hardly seen or talked to him the last two years but a few months ago was told by a friend that he got engaged.
    A few of my girlfriends know this story and Iíve never let a guy might be interested in dating get that close to me again. I now realize it wasnít meant to be. A I am happy for him but it hurts that he never seemed to realize how much I used to like him.
    This is not something I would share with my guy friends ( most of them never met him so all they know is that I had friends ( guys and girls) besides them I often hung out with. So I feel like Iíve moved on now but Iím a busy person and havenít met anyone Iím interested in since. Iím fine with being single and it is a bit of a sore subject but not going to explain that to my guy friends ( it would be weird to do so and might give them the wrong idea , when Iíve never liked any of them that way . Only ever thought of them as teammates, friends, brothers ( none of them are actually related to me but Iíve met their families and in high school we sometimes spend more time with the team then our families so the team was like a 2nd family ).
    I didnít fully realize that they know a lot about me but next to nothing about that.

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