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    larkofam's Avatar
    larkofam Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 8, 2017, 07:54 PM
    Long Distance Relationship for 4 years - (possible) feelings for a local person
    I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years...

    During this time, this girl has been my world... Everything has revolved around her...

    We visit about 4 weeks every year, and she keeps promising me she will join me where I live. But when I get on her about it, she skirts the subject... We are both on permanent disability... We don't work in a traditional sense... So I do not understand what would be keeping her where she is, particularly when I am willing to pay her way to move up here.

    My Girlfriend and I are both Transgender by the way...

    Recently, I began attending a local support group for Transgender people...

    Seemingly out of the blue, I have been having feelings for someone else at the support group... And now I am conflicted, upset, and confused...

    I don't know why I suddenly started having these feelings, but I know I have them. They are probably nothing, but I feel I would not be having them for no good reason.

    And these feelings have opened up cans of worms regarding my relationship with my girlfriend. I have needs for physical affection and companionship, which do not go away after my girlfriend's visits are over.

    She claims she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but by her actions, it seems she cannot be bothered to spend one month out of every year with me.

    I need to sort my feelings out, figure out what's what, preferably without burning any of my bridges.

    I hate that I am having these feelings... I can't shake them... I just cannot get this other person off my mind... and I feel like a horrible person... I love my girlfriend very much... but I am increasingly finding the state of our relationship unacceptable... I've made her a priority... she treats me like a hobby.

    Another problem is, my girlfriend is very sensitive... she's had a lot of trauma in her life... to where I feel I cannot criticize her. She has also stated that if she ever loses me, she will likely commit suicide.

    Lately I am crying myself to sleep every night... and a fair portion of the day. I'm bawling my eyes out as I type this.

    I don't know what's going on or what I should do. I'm sorry for rambling, but I feel all jumbled up inside.

    I would appreciate any advice anyone could give me.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Dec 8, 2017, 08:51 PM
    You do not have a true love relationship with your four year girlfriend. Neither one of you will move! It is a bit odd that you put the burden on her to move to where you are, rather than you move to her, or even both move somewhere totally different. That doesn't sound like love on her part, nor yours. So unless you have some information you have left out, I say again, that isn't love. It's just some sort of dependency.

    You do not need to hate yourself or cry yourself to sleep over feelings for a new person. You have them and there is nothing wrong with them.
    It is time, and you do owe her, to tell your girlfriend that you are breaking up with her.
    If she is holding a gun of fear to your head by saying she will kill herself if she loses you, then you need to gently explain to her how unfair that is. There are limits to what the responsibilities we have to those we love. This is beyond the limit. You are not married, there are no children, and you owe her nothing except the truth - you do not want to continue the relationship.
    You need to be straightforward without being mean. But you must be blunt. You must tell the truth. She may become clingy, needy, desperate. You can help make sure she has other supports around where she lives, but only in a minimal way. Do not let it drag out, for her sake as well as hers. Tell her you like someone local to you very much, but don't make that the reason for breaking up.
    Good luck, it won't be easy.
    If she tries to kill herself or even if she succeeds, it won't be your fault.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    Dec 8, 2017, 08:55 PM
    You had a 4 year pen pal... nothing more. Find someone local... Sorry to be blunt. But you wasted the last 4 years of your life, don't waste the next 4.
    larkofam's Avatar
    larkofam Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 8, 2017, 09:01 PM
    It is a bit odd that you put the burden on her to move to where you are, rather than you move to her, or even both move somewhere totally different
    See, I can't afford to live where she lives, and if the honest to goodness truth were told, neither can she.

    You do not need to hate yourself or cry yourself to sleep over feelings for a new person. You have them and there is nothing wrong with them.
    I do not "have" this person... I just met her. I don't know why I felt what I felt, and it is probably nothing. That I am even having these feelings at all is why I am so freaked out. There is no rational reason for me to have these feelings... and yet I suspect there must be a reason I am having them. Dissatisfaction with a relationship doesn't come from just nowhere. Wouldn't really matter WHO I am having feelings for, it is freaking me out because one month ago I was 110% certain what I wanted and would have waited until the end of eternity... I now have no idea what I want.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Dec 8, 2017, 09:10 PM
    I meant that you have the feelings, not the person. I would not have referred to her as a 'them!'

    Telling us that you can't afford to live where she lives doesn't explain how dead-end this relationship is. It's a dead-end answer. If you were both in love, you would look for a place to live that you could both afford. If that's where you live, then she would move in with you. And so on.... you would be DOING something about it.

    You will do what you decide to do, regardless of what strangers online say. Two of us have said it's time to break up. You sound resistant. That's fine. You also sound very young and naive. People's feelings for each other change on a dime all the time. We look at someone we love and suddenly they are a completely different person, just because we start to have feelings for someone new.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,215, Reputation: 10853

    Dec 9, 2017, 07:23 AM
    It looks like if you want more from a relationship you would be working together to make that happen, so if after 4 years you have not solved that distance problem, then you should take this as unsolvable, so there is no point to it, nor a future. You are in denial, and afraid to make any changes, so stop making excuse, and blaming HER for what you refuse to do for YOURSELF! Quite simply neither of you is committed to each other enough to sustain a future TOGETHER, nor work TOGETHER well enough to overcome the obstacle of distance between you. That makes this a very UNHEALTHY relationship for YOU, since she seems to be quite comfortable with it as it is, and wants no changes.

    It is no wonder you have feelings for others that are more available to you, that's normal and natural for humans, so why are you beating yourself up? If you have crossed no boundaries of good behavior then what's your problem? That seems to be at the heart of this relationship you keep making excuses for not dealing with your own feelings HONESTLY. Face it the thrill is long gone, and been replaced by frustration, and you grow sick and tired of it.

    All you need is the HONESTY to address your own frustration, and the COURAGE to do something about it. As it is, I feel you have let this situation fester and it has reached the point where it ha poisoned you mind and soul. The sad part is you cannot muster enough courage to do the right thing for yourself, and end this dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.

    I would have told her years ago she WAS losing me, and been GONE! What she did about it would be her call, and you should let her make it. I think you will do the right thing for yourself when you have had enough BS! Until then keep suffering for your lack of courage to do the right thing for yourself.

    Having said all that the reality is you have NO BOND mostly due to the distance just a simple agreement to hook up at your convenience. The terms of that agreement can change any time, you are not bound by them if they torture you so much. Obviously the present terms are torturing you so you have no need to torture yourself, but you do NEED to express yourself and push for change as this relationship cannot grow and nurture you any longer. Obviously she has not grown either in the last 4 year, and that can't be good either.

    Talaniman Rule - Never make a person a priority in your life when you are but an option in theirs!

    You should have seen this coming years ago but you chose to ignore the red flags waving all over the place. Is it to late for change? NO!

    Back to YOU.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Dec 9, 2017, 02:44 PM
    You're beating yourself up for having feelings for someone else, and chalking it up to troubles with your relationship. I do agree that there are troubles in you relationship, the number one being that your girlfriend seems to have you trapped by saying she'll kill herself if you leave her. That's not love .

    As for your feelings for this other person, well you're human. You will occasionaly be attracted to someone other than your significant other. It happens to everyone. The fact that you're feeling so tormented by these feelings says that you're either na´ve or you realize that your current relationship is a dead end.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Dec 12, 2017, 04:18 PM
    First, is this an online relationship? If so, you are likely being catfished.
    Second, if you have met and spent time with her in person, perhaps she likes the conversation and idea of moving in with you but it's more like acting out a play than reality for her.
    Third, there may be things you aren't aware of or are disregarding that make her reluctant to relocated whether that might be family and friends where she is, resources she depends on there, etc.
    Fourth, she may well have cooled on the relationship.

    when someone's actions don't match their words, don't take their words at face value. They are not being honest and their actions are more reliable. Time to move on. Find someone where you are. Particularly if you are going to date someone else who has all these other issues ongoing such as a transgender life, past abuse, a disability, they probably need to be near home to either rely on or fix the family bonds and get the support they need from that family.

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