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    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Oct 18, 2017, 08:21 PM
    How Can I Stop Thinking About This Guy?
    When I was a junior in high school, I danced with this guy at a school dance. I didn't have a crush on him, we were just friends. Then during my senior year I asked him to the homecoming dance because all my friends had dates and I didn't want to be left out. We went together and I felt pretty awkward dancing so close to him since I only liked him as a friend. A year later he asked me to be his girlfriend through text messaging and email rather than going out on dates. I thought it was a little odd that he wanted me to be his girlfriend but he didn't want to go out with me. I then told him I only liked him as a friend. He responded with " You didn't think I was serious did you?" I said I did. He then said he just wanted to see how I would react. He thought I had a crush on him based on the way I asked him to homecoming and he said he tried to have a crush on me but just didn't. He then said he was seeing other girls and it would be fine if we were just friends. I didn't talk to him much after that. But two years ago I started having these two week spells where I can't stop thinking about this guy. I've never been able to figure out why that is. I don't think I have a crush on him because I had a huge crush on another guy in high school and couldn't stop thinking about him in a different way. I felt happy when I thought about the guy I liked and didn't want to stop thinking about him. With this guy I feel anxious when I think about him and just want him out of my head. I've tried distracting myself but it doesn't always work. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop thinking about this guy or why I might be thinking about him?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Oct 19, 2017, 05:00 AM
    First the reasons.
    1. You were a typical teen with crushes.
    2. You dwell on a particular rejection because you are insecure about rejections of all kinds, and also because this one isn't finished.
    3. You are still learning that people don't often say what they really feel.
    He asked you to be his girlfriend in a callous way. Maybe that was just his stupid way of facing rejection from YOU without having to face it in person (and he guaranteed it). That's a typical teen too. When you turned him down (good for you), he had all those responses ready, but do I believe them? Not for a minute. I think there's a good chance that he liked you. And maybe still does...

    Try to get a clear understanding of how people pretend all sorts of things at your age, for emotional protection. Try to understand that he isn't really any different from you. Ask him to go for a 10 minute walk someday, and tell him how this still affects you, and you aren't sure why. Tell him you always wondered if he was covering up his feelings. Tell him that you turned him down because he didn't ask you in person... don't quiz him. Pause and let him respond. If he says that he really was just playing around, try not to be hurt, and just say ok and walk away. You opened the door for some understanding, and he either took it or he didn't, and you are no worse the wear for it.

    ALL OF US go through life wondering. We don't always get the chance to find out.

    [OOPS! Just looked back at old posts. You are now about 24? Too many years have gone by. My advice for getting him out of your head is to not try. Just let the memory run its course. I know it's not fun (I do it too). You can try to analyze it in terms of what might be lacking in your relationships these days.... but I would just wait for it to pass. Is your best friend still out of the picture, with the new boyfriend? You need a best friend, I think.]
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #3

    Oct 19, 2017, 05:21 AM
    Couple rules in life I learned growing up. Don't overthink things. The more you do that the more often you end up wrong. (you basically convince yourself it's a certain way and its usually NOT that way) Look at it like a multiple choice test when the answers are not clear. And how your first choice was right more often than when you second guess yourself and change it.

    Also... in a few years... AFTER high school, almost none of this is going to matter anyway. Just move along with your other interests and everything will fall back in place before you even know it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Oct 19, 2017, 05:44 AM
    Let me ask you how you think of him when he gets in your head? Why does it have to be a crush after all this time? You shared time together so what's so unusual about old memories coming back to remind you of those times? Like Joy said we all get those flash backs from the past and wonder about people, places, and events from our past. Smile to yourself and go about your business, and don't make this more than it is, a fond memory, or spend time wondering why now, because that's the way it works.

    At your young age your memories are still fresh, and easily triggered by old songs, and maybe the time of year, or even just a mood you may be in. LOL, maybe just wishing your crush was more than just a crush has opened a door to the past crush, I don't know, but don't fret when an old crush haunts you. I never do, just enjoy the moment, and get back to reality. Go make some more fond memories.
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #5

    Oct 19, 2017, 11:19 AM
    I'm actually 25 now. And the reason he didn't ask me in person is because this was a year after high school and we didn't really see each other for him to ask me in person.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Oct 19, 2017, 12:52 PM
    Maybe I'm too old for today's dating styles, but I cringe when I hear of so many young people who jump right into 'will you be my girl-boyfriend.' The fact that you didn't really see each other is no excuse.
    In fact, too many young people jump right into dating before getting to know each other in group surroundings, never mind being bf-gf!

    It's really all very simple (and all very complicated too):
    Say hi in passing
    Say hi and pause for a comment about a class, a book, some music, a movie
    Say hi and stop to talk about something more personal, like where you live or what you like to do for fun
    THEN you ask about going on a day date, walking around town with an ice cream or something!
    THEN, if all seems to be going well, you go on a more 'real' date!
    After months of that, THEN you become bf-gf!

    Anyway, my advice still stands - let it occupy your mind for as long as it takes.
    If you want to contact him about a walk and talk, ask him. ''Can we talk about the past someday for 20 minutes?'' Don't mention your thoughts.
    I assume that you have no idea what his love life is like right now.

    On a deeper level, I'm worried that you see 25 as a magic milestone, a quarter century, and you are in a panic about romance and love and a husband... I hope you realize that countless 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, and 50 year olds are breaking up about now. Putting all your life hopes on a man is not only going to guarantee that men will be uncomfortable around you, but you will be miserable. Work on a life that can survive at any given time without a man. How do I know? I did that myself, and got dumped at age 43. It was awful.
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #7

    Oct 27, 2017, 08:52 AM
    Maybe I'm having these thoughts because my best friend just got a new boyfriend and its possible I wish I had a boyfriend. This guy is the only guy I've ever been on a date with even if it was a group date. I was very shy in high school and only ever had a crush on one guy who turned out to be gay. I had no way of dating in college since most of my classmates were girls and guys that weren't close to my age. Same with the jobs I've had. I don't think that guy who asked me to be his girlfriend was into me. He asked me to be his girlfriend but he wanted to send text messages all the time rather than go on dates. I would think if he really liked me he would have asked me out. He might have felt bad because he thought I had a crush on him, which I didn't and he didn't have a crush on me. Maybe this was his way of turning me down
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Oct 27, 2017, 12:55 PM
    It seems you have found your triggering event, and that shows you have a lot of insights into yourself. You also seem to reject that texting stuff as a substitute for romantic dating/relationship building, and that shows good insights into yourself. KUDOS on both. I wouldn't dwell on what was in the mind of a past fellow though, as maybe all he wanted was a girlfriend in name and title that he didn't have to actually spend time with.

    Of course he couldn't just say that, no more than you could tell him what YOU wanted either, but heck girl, he was willing to do you the favor of going to homecoming, so my gosh, maybe there was something FUN to be had...as just friends. You didn't like him that way anyway, so stop speculating over spilt milk.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #9

    Oct 27, 2017, 03:43 PM
    I agree - you have good insight, and you know now what brings this on.

    BUT what next? What's your solution for getting out there into the world, without being desperate?
    Many people find good compatible people in courses, in hobbies, in outing clubs, at volunteer places like animal shelters.
    The crux of all this is WHAT INTERESTS YOU IN LIFE?
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #10

    Nov 12, 2017, 05:15 PM
    I'm not sure my best friend having a new boyfriend really brings on these thoughts because she didn't have a boyfriend the first few times the thoughts came on. But my friend having a boyfriend could definitely be making the thoughts stronger. The thoughts are the same as if I had a crush on this guy but I don't feel happy when I think of him and want him out of my head. Where as with a crush, I would not want to stop thinking of them and would feel happy all the time
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #11

    Nov 12, 2017, 05:53 PM
    What's up with you and this crush? Do you interact at all?
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #12

    Nov 12, 2017, 05:54 PM
    We haven't talked in 5 years
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #13

    Nov 13, 2017, 05:16 AM
    You need more crushes if you have to go back that far to fantasize about romance. We all get haunted by our past attachments from time to time but reality usually moves us forward to new experiences and more memories.

    Do you feel you are moving forward and making new memories?
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Dec 7, 2017, 06:08 PM
    I do have a tendency to dwell on the past. I definitely haven't had as much opportunity to make new memories since high school as my life has been pretty uneventful since then. I didn't really have any new crushes in college because most of my classmates were girls. Same with all the jobs I've had. It's been two months and I still can't get this guy out of my head. I find this really weird and annoying because I never thought of him like this in high school. I was always thinking of another guy I liked and those thoughts made me happy unlike the thoughts I'm having now
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #15

    Dec 7, 2017, 09:20 PM
    I put a lot of effort into what I wrote. You didn't respond to any of it.
    Having mostly female classmates means nothing. You do nothing to enrich your life. You say nothing about what excites you in learning, in talents, in interests, in events, in pastimes... you are doomed to think about male crushes or boyfriends forever. What a sad existence!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #16

    Dec 7, 2017, 09:38 PM
    Like to daydream about romance huh? Or do you need closure from that high school experience? Tell me about this guy you do like and like crushing on (Or would rather daydream about.). Do you talk or see each other often? Never had a date with him? Why not?

    I suspect that if the guy you like was spending time with you then you wouldn't be wandering back to a previous guy. Read that part about making NEW memories again.
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #17

    Dec 7, 2017, 10:15 PM
    Actually I'm very into music and play the piano and sing. I also enjoy writing and one of my biggest dreams is to have my creative nonfiction and poetry published. I also enjoy hanging out with friends. Recently I spent Thanksgiving night at my best friend's house and then we went Christmas shopping in the morning. That was definitely the most fun I've had since the summer. Come to think of it I was definitely not having these thoughts over the summer because I was more busy seeing shows, going to the zoo and going on road trips. I also reconnected with my old preschool teacher and was into America's Got Talent. Maybe I need to find more shows to watch and get back to writing. So as you can see, I do some things to enrich my life but could be doing more.
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #18

    Dec 7, 2017, 10:23 PM
    That guy I actually liked in high school turned out to be gay and lives out of state now. So I never did get to go out with him and most likely never will. I haven't really talked to him in 2 years. I used to daydream about him constantly and would read romance novels with characters that had the same name as him and imagine him as that character. I don't think of the other guy quite like that
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,286, Reputation: 10853
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    #19

    Dec 8, 2017, 07:06 AM
    You seem to take great comfort in daydreaming about guys from high school, both of which are way in the past at this point. I don't know if that's entirely healthy, and while you seem to have a healthy fulfilling life, this one area involving guys keeps you stuck in the past. Maybe it's a good thing that your thoughts of this one guy you don't want to have keeps haunting you, leaving you unfulfilled.

    Maybe it's time for some changes that allows you to have new experiences or make new memories. I'm not saying start chasing guys, Ms. Shy girl, but you certainly sound like you could stand to broaden or expand your experiences. The only way I know is to get out of that safety zone you are so comfortable with, to grow socially and see more options to make more opportunities for yourself. Maybe it's time to learn or develop new skills, different from the creative ones you have already. Or some volunteering for causes and issues you feel passionate about.

    I think that building a world in your own head is not a bad thing, but may be unhealthy in that it can become an obstacle that stops you from stretching your own self imposed boundaries. While many use this as an excuse not to explore their world, they sacrifice the ability to grow and learn, and produce those experiences that accumulate over time.

    A fancy way to say you are stuck in the past in this area of your life, and its unfulfilling, annoying, and confusing. So what will you do about it becomes the question. So Ravengurl, what do you think YOU need to do to be fulfilled and NOT stuck in the past.

    Obviously romantic daydreaming isn't making you happy. So stop doing it. Do something else.
    ravengurl92's Avatar
    ravengurl92 Posts: 300, Reputation: 6
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    #20

    Sep 30, 2019, 12:43 PM
    Well I went almost 2 years without thinking about this guy. But the thoughts returned this weekend. What brought them On was when I found a list of phone numbers from my old phone from high school and his number was on it. I have since recycled the list but am still having the thoughts and it's annoying because I have had a great last two years with getting my writing published and making so many new friends and I was so happy. But having these thoughts is definitely not making me happy and is taking over my life. I'm almost thinking this is because I need to bring some kind of closure to the situation. But I don't know how to go about doing that

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