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FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 08:08 PM

Ok so I am going to try and be as descriptive as possible without being a book! So I met my boyfriend about 6months ago, we were just friends and that's all we were to be! I later found out he was unhappily married and as we talked, the more we saw each other feelings grew. Well a few months later he tells me he's leaving his wife, and needed somewhere to crash for a while. Well of course what do I do I let him move in with me. We begin dating and everything seems oh so lovely, fast forward to 6months later. Which is now, he owns a home that they use to share matter of fact one she(his wife) picked out. Well he tells me he wants to move there since she's moving out and the house is in his name! He loves this house it's a POS! It was trashed and pretty much like Joes apartment for all the roaches living in it! I told him we could get rid of the bugs and move in fix it up,sale it buy a new one! So here we are 30 miles away from my work place way out in the woods the ONLY thing we've accomplished is it's clean and no bugs! He told me he does not want to sale it and I tell him everyday how unhappy I am and he does nothing! Just looks at me and tells me he loves me! I told him oneday he will come home and my stuff will be gone! He then tells me he will just shut the utilities off and come live with me wherever I go and now mind you he won't be able to help pay for anything but he will live with me! That's how it was before he lived with me and didn't pay anything because all his money is tied up in paying child support, the house and bills, a few of his wife's bills. Yes they're still married neither of them have started filing divorce! It's just a mess and I don't know what to do!! Any advice would be wonderful!

Wondergirl · Jun 28, 2017, 08:19 PM

Run, run as fast as you can. Run like the wind!

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 08:29 PM

Lol it's funny you say that! You aren't the first one to say those exact words! I just feel bad I do love him and all. However I do feel like hey I tried. I just hate feeling like I gave up.

Wondergirl · Jun 28, 2017, 08:37 PM

You aren't giving up. He's using you. Now, tell me how. Make a list.

Maybe we can help him grow up.

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 08:46 PM

I don't think he's using me, selfish and inconsiderate YES! Ironically enough I see in your profile your husband and sons are autistic I feel like he may be but never diagnosed! Both of his sons are autistic and that's a hole other issue! He hates the fact that he says his sons are different and he doesn't and never has really interacted with them! That alone makes me lose a lot of respect for him! He says he feels like his sons ar better without him and I feel like it's just an excuse to not have to deal with them!

I don't think there is a help him grow up:(

Wondergirl · Jun 28, 2017, 08:51 PM

90% of autism/Asperger's is genetic.

What characteristics do you see in him?

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 09:01 PM

He doesn't hold attention to things. He is very non empathetic he is very one track minded! Here are a few things he does/done...
He will be so in thought about things he will forget important and just simple but important things like he forgot the day of his mothers heart surgery and he also felt like work was more important than going to be with her. He has still yet to go see her since the surgery it's now a month later. She only lives 4hours away!
Times when tell him I'm unhappy about something he just looks at me and says he loves me over and over.

Wondergirl · Jun 28, 2017, 09:03 PM

Eye contact? Social relationships?

Have his sons been formally diagnosed?

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 09:06 PM

He's good with eye contact and everyone seems to love him. He doesn't really feel family is important though. Both of his parents are not in the best health and yet he doesn't hardly call and never goes to see them! He's fine with not seeing his sons either every now and then he will talk about missing them.

Wondergirl · Jun 28, 2017, 09:09 PM

Which state are you in?

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 28, 2017, 09:12 PM

The oldest son whom is 3 yes and he goes to a therapist and the Dr he was diagnosed by told my bfs wife the younger one 2 shows all the signs as well. The sad part is if you didn't know it you wouldn't know Jerry off if Seinfeld is autistic. So with that being said he didn't let that stop him to being as fully and functional as he could! Well my bfs wife is like heeeey I'll get the boys on disability and between that my child support and food stamps I won't have to work! So sad!

talaniman · Jun 29, 2017, 04:40 AM

WG is absolutely right. You should run as fast as you can to a safe place away from this stranger with a boatload of baggage with a WIFE, KIDS, and a house he cannot maintain on his own. The issue is not his problems you want to solve but your own UNHAPPINESS in the situation YOU jumped into with blinders on.

Remove yourself from this situation and the hopeless program you are following with him. You are hardly the first person to be hooked by a needy man in a failed marriage he has yet to resolve, but replacing his wife is NOT the answer at all. It's a disaster!

I bet a million bucks if you left to get your own head together, and think about how unhealthy this relationship is, and has always been, and how unhappy you are, then MAYBE he would sell the house and get his baggage unpacked on his own and MAYBE he gets happy himself. With you as his rebound crutch he doesn't have to change just keep mouthing the "But I love you" words.

Really simple, yet so hard to do, leave this unhappy and unhealthy situation and don't let him follow you. Even more glaringly obvious Ms. Rebound, for all your love and support and gotten NOTHING in return, you have made this about him, and it's NOT! This should be about YOU, and as long as you ignore that he will make YOU as sick and miserable as he is. Can't you see that?

Run, far and fast, and have nothing to do with this fellow until he has been DIVORCED for a year, and is on his own, and not between a failed marriage, and a POISONED relationship. Yeah poison can be sweet to the taste but it hides the destruction yet to come.

Oh yeah, this is going to get much worse. You have been warned! Go unpack your own baggage by yourself and learn why you are such an easy target to get fooled by "love"! This ain't even love sorry to tell you, so quit LYING to yourself.

tickle · Jun 29, 2017, 11:42 AM

If he is selfish and inconsiderate, then yes, he is using you. You have to look at it seriously if you are thinking of a long term relationship with him, and I hope you are on birth control. He doesn't sound like normal father material; you have lost respect for him. Are you serious about that part? Because if I lost respect for the man I am now seeing, then that would be a red flag and therefore, a deal breaker for me.

What do you mean :giving up:? All of the personality traits you have mentioned are red flags that you have noticed and that means only one thing, give up on this one, he doesn't care about you, so just move on and do better for yourself.

smoothy · Jun 29, 2017, 12:33 PM

Fact remains he's married... for that reason alone you should walk away. Imagine if it was YOUR husband someone else was bound and determined to get from you? Give that point a lot of thought.

ma0641 · Jun 29, 2017, 01:21 PM

I tell him everyday how unhappy I am and he does nothing! now mind you he won't be able to help pay for anything but he will live with me! That's how it was before he lived with me and didn't pay anything because all his money is tied up in paying child support, the house and bills, a few of his wife's bills. Yes they're still married neither of them have started filing divorce!

I was going to write YOUR words in CAPS just to shout to you---YOU ARE BEING USED! LET HIM GO AND GET YOUR OWN LIFE MOVING.

FreeSpirit34444 · Jun 29, 2017, 03:05 PM

I really appreciate everyone's encouragement!