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    Angelic95's Avatar
    Angelic95 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 29, 2017, 11:37 PM
    Unsure how to feel about boyfriends action
    Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this...
    I am a female in my twenties and I have been with the same man for the last year. We have been sexually active and been learning about each others fetishes, kinks, etc. since the six month mark. I moved in five months ago, reminding you this is my most successful relationship I have had so far. I caught him four months ago looking at other women's pictures, I told him it upset me and asked if he wouldn't look at them or at least with out me. My previous relationships used me as property and myself esteem is already low, and he knows this. He told me he wouldn't do it again. Couple of days ago I came home from work and walked in catching him looking on twitter looking at women and masturbating, he says he doesn't do it that often. At first I couldn't help but laugh because that is what I do when I am nervous or upset. Later that day and till now I felt nothing but hurt and betrayed, not knowing what else he has been saying differently about. I have done my best to fill his fantasies even pushing things I rather not do. He won't open any farther so if there is more fetishes and he isn't telling me I don't know how to please him in that way. He says he didn't lie to me... but the remarks he made when we argued bothered me greatly. I will look at porn but there is no male gender involved because no one else of that gender interests me except my man. Last few days all I feel is anger,betrayal,and sadness. I have tend to hover dramatic of things in the past but I wasn't this mad for so long. My question is... Should I leave it be and see what happens...
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #2

    Apr 30, 2017, 12:37 AM
    There is no 'should' other than examining your own feelings and talking them out with him. THEN make a decision - can you live with him or not?

    Many argue that having a separate fantasy life is healthy, and good for a relationship. I for one don't see any reason to be jealous, hurt, and betrayed by masturbating to a certain amount of porn. It all has to be within the context of your whole relationship, however, and just how much you feel excluded. But why be upset when you yourself say that he likes some sexual things you'd rather not do?
    Angelic95's Avatar
    Angelic95 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Apr 30, 2017, 12:50 AM
    To answer your question, I have pushed myself past my limits for him and will continue to do so. I would masturbate beside him, I have told him that. I just very insecure about my figure and how I look. He won't even tell me what he watches so I can try to fulfill that fantasy
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #4

    Apr 30, 2017, 01:17 AM
    That doesn't answer my question. My question is why be upset (hurt, jealous)? There are no two people in the world who can be everything to each other. Let him have his fantasies without being jealous, or feeling like you are not good enough. Stop trying to 'fulfill' all his fantasies.

    It's the same with who your own friends are, what music and books you like, what interests you have, even food! Have separate lives and enjoy what you share. Those are the relationships that last.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #5

    Apr 30, 2017, 04:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Angelic95 View Post
    Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this...
    I am a female in my twenties and I have been with the same man for the last year. We have been sexually active and been learning about each others fetishes, kinks, etc. since the six month mark. I moved in five months ago, reminding you this is my most successful relationship I have had so far. I caught him four months ago looking at other women's pictures, I told him it upset me and asked if he wouldn't look at them or at least with out me. My previous relationships used me as property and myself esteem is already low, and he knows this. He told me he wouldn't do it again. Couple of days ago I came home from work and walked in catching him looking on twitter looking at women and masturbating, he says he doesn't do it that often. At first I couldn't help but laugh because that is what I do when I am nervous or upset. Later that day and till now I felt nothing but hurt and betrayed, not knowing what else he has been saying differently about. I have done my best to fill his fantasies even pushing things I rather not do. He won't open any farther so if there is more fetishes and he isn't telling me I don't know how to please him in that way. He says he didn't lie to me... but the remarks he made when we argued bothered me greatly. I will look at porn but there is no male gender involved because no one else of that gender interests me except my man. Last few days all I feel is anger,betrayal,and sadness. I have tend to hover dramatic of things in the past but I wasn't this mad for so long. My question is... Should I leave it be and see what happens...
    I am going to start by saying that I agree with what Joy has said so far. There is nothing wrong with each person having their own fantasies.

    Now, I know this is going to sound harsh, but I hope it gets through the wall it sounds like you are putting up.

    Why are you turning yourself into property/an object? Why are you trying to make him use you as a masturbatory object?

    Masturbation is about self-indulgence, no strings attached, no emotional involvement quick release. There isn't the pressure of worrying about your partner's needs or desires or feelings. It is all about your own needs.

    Asking him to only get off on/with you is asking him to turn you into an object. It is you allowing yourself to be relegated to the level of a tissue. Stop making him the object of your own self-debasement.

    There are some people who enjoy being used. There is nothing wrong with having that fetish as long as the person has a strong enough self-respect to not make it their entire persona. It also has to be a mutual agreement between partners.

    Mutual means you talk together about fantasies and expectations. You decide together where the boundaries are and what is okay and what isn't. You accept that each of you need "me time" that has nothing to do with the other person.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,051, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 30, 2017, 04:42 AM
    I'm with Joy, this isn't about him, but about you. Many people for whatever reasons take what their partner does so personally it hurts. In truth it has nothing to do with them. Chances are you are still dealing with your own issues of the past, and while those lingering issues (Baggage) are front and center for you, your partner probably has his own too.

    Mostly you are just learning about each other and guess what, there is so much more to learn, a lifetime if you get that far. While you learn about him, upsetting as that can be just remember he is learning about you, and you may as well know that things will never be settled in a day or week or a few months but longer... if you last that long.

    I think while you learn about each others habits, and kinks as you put it, always be aware of your own feelings and LEARN why YOU are upset and decide HOW you deal with YOURSELF. You will always be dealing with your own feelings because we humans are always learning and growing and changing through out our lives, so many adjustments are in our futures, some we like, others not so much.

    Reread your post and you may see the pattern of it's all about your feelings and the way you handle them. Past and present. They also seem geared toward the sexuality of the relationship, a huge part no doubt, but this issue is but a symptom of a larger issue to be dealt with. Keep working on unpacking your own baggage, let him unpack his, and give each other time, and space to do so, so you can learn and grow, MAYBE together. Takes time, more than the year you have already invested in this experiment.

    Since you know what about him bugs you, do you also know what about YOU bugs him? How does he handle that? How do YOU handle it? If it's your best relationship so far how can YOU make it better?

    I apologize for the rather long lecture, but 42 years with the same woman does that to you. 8). Feel free to respond in kind as your feedback, feelings, and any questions are most welcome.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #7

    Apr 30, 2017, 07:21 AM
    I will agree, this is fairly normal behavior for a man, and you are putting limits on a non cheating level of sexual fantasize that he does. Sorry it is not about his behavior but why you fee so strong that you must control what he does and then accept things you feel you must do.

    People have all sorts of "interests" and you do not have to accept or be willing to do all of his, as he does not have to do all of yours. He is not doing online chats or watching live shows, but appears just to be looking at photos. Men look, they will always look and if you are putting specific limits you will not find a "happy" relationship because you are bringing unrealistic rules to them.

    And a year, is no time at all, you are in your actions forcing him to do things behind your back (lie basicly) which is worst than being open and honest even if we do not always like what we hear.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #8

    May 2, 2017, 07:38 AM
    Being the expert on this board, I just wanted to chime in and say that Everyone here has Great points.

    The perspective here is that he loves you, he is with you. He knows your body, he knows every lump, bump, dimple, cellulite, and imperfection and he's okay with that. He isn't doing what he's doing because he's dissatisfied with you or you're not doing something he wants. It is a moment where he can concentrate on himself and just pleasure himself. It is really self-indulgent.

    This is something the nearly ALL men do. He needs to be sensitive to your issues, but they are your issues. You need to deal with them. I believe you should probably talk with a therapist and maybe take a harsher look at your previous relationships with them.

    Good luck.

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