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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Apr 19, 2017, 02:14 AM
    If it was your child would you want to know even if it was your own brother? Yes, I'd be much more protective of my daughter than any relative.
    Really how would it make you feel? Awful.
    Would you believe them? I'd believe my daughter.
    Would you hate them or blame them? I think I'd blame myself.
    Would you be okay? Of course not. Are you OK? You think you can 'keep' everything OK? It's too late for that. You will be OK when this is all out in the open and then over.

    Don't assume that they will call the police. They may be too ashamed of your uncle.

    There's a saying 'the cat is out of the bag.' You can't avoid this anymore. Your mother is more and more sure of something going on. Just tell her.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man

    Apr 19, 2017, 02:58 AM
    Yes, if it was my child I would want to know. It is my job as a parent to protect my children. I can't protect them if I don't know what's going on.

    But I do understand how hard it is to tell something like this to your parents. You may need to talk to a counselor at school to enlist their aid.

    But if you still can't tell an adult. Then I reiterate my advice about screaming. I'll add another. The room you stay in while at his house, does it have a chair? When you go to sleep, try wedging the chair under the door knob so he can't open it. Another possibility is an alarm. Then make alarms for travelers that you can hang on a door knob or wedge under the door so it sounds when opened.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert

    Apr 19, 2017, 05:00 AM
    Yes, I would want to know.

    The longer you wait, the harder it will be because the questions will become more difficult to answer. Plus your parents' suspicions will be harder to overcome due to your behavior (asking to stay home alone) giving them some substance.

    Try starting with "Mom, I need to talk to you." Let her know you are afraid. Be honest. Be prepared for anything including finding out that she could be one of his victims.

    Which is better:

    1. Being truthful with your mother, no matter how much it may hurt. Getting it out into the open and dealing with it. Letting your mother know you aren't doing drugs, sexting, or any of the millions of fears that already running through her mind. Dealing with the repercussions and getting help.

    2. Staying silent. Allowing his behavior to continue. His behavior will probably get worse and bolder as you get older. Becoming more withdrawn from your parents because they keep trying to get you to talk. Making your mother worry that she is going to find drugs, empty alcohol bottles, get a call from the police or school officials about your behavior, etc. Having your aunt catch him and him blaming you. Saying that you invited his behavior. No one believing you when you say that it was all him because he has been (probably) making it look like you have been misbehaving. Living in fear.

    Does the door have a lock? Try locking it and putting something against it.

    Tell someone. The friend you want to stay with's mother?
    Nothingless's Avatar
    Nothingless Posts: 51, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member

    Apr 19, 2017, 12:03 PM
    I can see that yes as a parent you would want to know if something like this happened to your child. I understand that it's up to me to decide what I want to do. Thank you for all the replys its given me a lot to think about.

    I know my mum isn't going to leave me alone until I talk to her, she has been around all the time. I tried to tell her when she was talking to me but I just couldn't finnd the words. I think I might of just made her more concerned because I couldn't stop crying . She's has told me she won't be going away with my dad she is going to stay home with me. I'm so relived I was so worried about going back there.

    I'm not going to be able to sit there and tell her what's been happening I don't know how to and I don't like talking about it. Do you think it would be OK to write her letter maybe? Or would it be better me telling her? Do you think she is going to ask me questions? Man I'm freaking out just thinking about it
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Apr 19, 2017, 12:07 PM
    YES to the letter!
    Very very good idea!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Apr 20, 2017, 02:15 PM
    If this were to be happening to a friend of yours, what would you tell them to do? Just forget about it? Would you put the blame on them?

    What if it were a younger sibling? Or a cousin? Think of it this way, if you share this with someone who you trust, you just might help to prevent the same abuse from happening to someone else.

    Write it in a note if that would be easier, but it really does need to be shared with a trusted adult. You would be protecting others, and he could get the help he needs.

    I wish you well.....
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Apr 21, 2017, 07:21 PM
    Yes, as a parent, and as a kid that went through this, I would want to know, and I wish I had told my parents, the abuse I experienced happened for too long, and had I told my parents, it would have stopped. But as a young child, I didn't know that, and the threats from my cousin stopped me from telling.

    Having said that, as a parent I know that I would be shocked to hear this from my child, and as a human being as well as a parent, initially I may not handle it that well, and you should expect that when you tell your parents. Just being honest.

    At first it's going to be anger (not at you, but at your Uncle), then disbelief (again, not at you, but that they didn't know it was going on, that they missed it), then it's going to be a lot of sadness (sadness that they didn't protect you), then anger again (anger that they put you in this position, that they let this happen).

    During that time, sit with them, talk to them, tell them how scared you are, tell them all the reasons you didn't want to tell them about this. Tell them how afraid you are about this ruining your family. Tell them that you want counseling to help you deal with this, and let them know that it's not their fault, that only one person is to blame, only one, and that's your Uncle. Tell them that despite all the emotions they're going through, right now you need them, you need them to be strong for you and make the right decisions for you. You need them to put all those feelings aside and concentrate on helping you.

    Yes, write a letter. It's so hard to tell someone something this difficult when you're face to face, so yes, a letter is a great way to do this.

    So very glad that your mom is staying home with you and that you're not being sent back to your Uncle. That's such a relief.

    Write that letter. If you want to run it by someone, you can PM me here with it and we can talk it through. Not supposed to do that, all communication about a thread (question) is supposed to be public, but screw that. I've been where you are, and I know how hard it is to talk about, so if you want to PM me, go ahead. If anyone has a problem with that, I'll deal with it.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Apr 21, 2017, 07:46 PM
    I want to add something. The fact that your mom is staying home with you, the fact that she feels something is up, I have a feeling she really won't be that shocked when you tell her. I have a feeling, and it's only a feeling, not a fact, that she already knows that her brother is doing something to you. I think she's in denial right now, and just waiting for you to tell her, to say the words, but I have a feeling that deep down, she already knows.
    Nothingless's Avatar
    Nothingless Posts: 51, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member

    Apr 23, 2017, 03:01 AM
    Thanks Alty for the offer that's really nice. I haven't written anything I thought it would be easier writing it down. It's just not easy at all.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Apr 23, 2017, 04:18 PM
    Speak from the heart. I would start by telling her that this is really hard for you, and that you're scared to tell her, that you've been scared for 2 years to tell her this, but that you can't deal with it anymore, and you don't know what other option you have but to tell her.

    Tell her that you're afraid about how this will effect the family, especially her because it's her brother that's doing this. Tell her that you're afraid that she'll be upset with you.

    Tell her everything you're feeling, be totally honest, and also tell her how much you need her to help you through this.

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