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    Nothingless's Avatar
    Nothingless Posts: 51, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Apr 15, 2017, 11:02 PM
    Parents being obsessed
    Am I being unreasonable thinking that in the home I live in that my room is my own private space? I understand that my parents pay for the house I live in and I don't contribute financial towards the house but it is my space full of my things. It's frustrating knowing that I can come home from school to find all my stuff gone through my private things read I hate it. Is this normal is this what parents do? I asked my friends if their parents do this to them and they say no. I'm just trying to understand before I totally lose my over it
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #2

    Apr 16, 2017, 12:08 AM
    I told my son he should not expect total privacy. I would not walk in when he was using the bathroom, showering or changing. I stepped out when he had a physical or when he was.on the phone with his father so he could speak candidly with other people... there are limits to what I needed.to.supervise. But teens can live high risk and I was monitoring. I also.went in his room to clean thoroughly, put away laundry, etc.

    Even when he came back home to live as a young adult(college age), I made clear I was.going in to.clean (he cleaned but not well) and.to keep.me.out of there he had.to clean to my standards. He chose not.to. I found.pot, cigarettes, alcohol (not old.enough) and stupid crap like old.food.under the bed. He was not mature.enough to.be responsible for.more.privacy, so.did not get it.

    Being parents.is.a job, and when parenting teens, the job includes snooping.into your kid's room; social media and the like. When parents consistenly find.the kid is.being honest and acting responsibly, they let go and give more privacy . So.if you want more.privacy, keep.the room immaculate. Follow.your parent's rules. Generally be responsible. That will.demonstrate your maturity.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Apr 16, 2017, 04:24 AM
    You are being reasonable in one sense and unreasonable in another. As you approach young adulthood, it is normal to want some privacy. A good parent (like the one above) will allow a child to develop independence a little more each year. It is best if it is connected to the child showing increasing responsibility.

    (I am acutely aware of what you are going through, because I had a mother who went through my things as long as I was at home. I even made the mistake of leaving some letters at home when I went off to college, and she read them, then ranted at me for hours, I burned them, dropped out of school, and moved 3,000 miles away.)

    Parents worry. It isn't always just plain snooping. They hear every internet scam, rape, murder, drug addict, pregnancy, STD, story there is and are 'obsessed' (as you say) with this happening with you. But their failing is that they don't spend more time working on TRUST. Teens are a petri dish of mistrust, of course, as they start pushing the envelope, so it's very much a 2 way street. You have to PROVE you are trustworthy. You can't just accuse them of not trusting you.

    There are 2 solutions:
    1. Just don't have any really personal things until you are away from home
    2. Plan a rational talk with your parents. This is inconceivable to most teens, but it is possible. Explain that you want to gain equal amounts of independence as you show responsibility, both needed to grow into adulthood in the best way. This means being a good student, not lying, not hanging out with kids who are trouble, not getting into a heavy romance, not smoking anything or doing pills, coming home at an agreed time, a summer job, and doing chores as told. That's a tall order, but that's the way it goes. It changes when you leave home, but doesn't go away. You don't get all the freedom you think!
    I tend to think concretely. I would write a list of ways you will prove your trust, and each one will add to your privacy rights and other freedoms, and work out 'trades' with your parents.

    If they refuse to discuss this, then you are stuck with Life is Unfair, you are a minor, you are under their roof and legal liability, and you put up with it for the rest of high school. Sure you can run away, but that NEVER is anything but far worse.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Apr 16, 2017, 04:35 AM
    I agree with both posters and as a parent myself, you get what you earn. That's how it is when you are a minor, but why be afraid to talk to your parents? Even if you cannot for whatever reason, why disobey the rules? Fair or not they are the parents and you should act accordingly, and it will be the same when you have kids... your house, your rules.

    Till then be a good kid and do the right thing because as was written, parents really do worry about their kids FOREVER no matter the age or where you live. My kids are kicking their 40's and with teens of their own, but we still worry about them still, maybe more than ever.

    It never ends! Be nice if kids wouldn't worry parents with stupid scary stuff, but that's a pipe dream.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Apr 16, 2017, 05:16 AM
    There are two sides to every story and we are only hearing one side of it. You don't give any indication of why your parents are doing this. If you are a model child, good grades, not trouble, then it might be unreasonable. But if you have given your parents some concern over your behavior then it is more understandable.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #6

    Apr 16, 2017, 09:59 AM
    Is there a reason your parents would be snooping, have they previously caught you doing something? I made random checks in daughters room, especially when I suspected something. I always found something.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Apr 16, 2017, 12:25 PM
    Things are taken normally as a punishment, so what was the reason.

    Parents look to be sure you are not doing things or making poor choices.
    I believe children have no specific rights to any privacy other than what they earn from their parents.
    Nothingless's Avatar
    Nothingless Posts: 51, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Apr 16, 2017, 03:10 PM
    Thank you for thr replys. I never thought about what my mum is doing going through my room as her checking on me it makes sense. I don't have anything to hide from them in my room anyway. So if it makes them feel better than I won't bother saying anything about it. It does hurt that they don't trust me and I need to earn their trust but if that's the way it is they can go for it. I was annoyed because I haven't done anything wrong for them to be worried about I stay out of trouble, we do argue sometimes but nothing major if anything I'm heaps more quiter than I use to be
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Apr 17, 2017, 06:41 PM
    Based on your other questions, yes, this is reasonable. You're hiding something from your parents, and giving them no choice but to go through your things to find out what's going on, and how much help you need. If you won't talk to them, you leave them no choice but to go through your things.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #10

    Apr 17, 2017, 06:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Nothingless View Post
    I don't have anything to hide from them in my room anyway
    What are you hiding from them somewhere else?

    So if it makes them feel better than I won't bother saying anything about it.
    About "it" what?

    if anything I'm heaps more quiter than I use to be
    Why is that? As a mom, that would make me sit up and take notice -- and start asking you questions.

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