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    as1234's Avatar
    as1234 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 11, 2017, 06:58 AM
    Stuck between friend and girlfriend
    My girlfriend and I have had a lot of fights and I have shared my stressful situation with some of my friends. Nevertheless, I love her so much and I want this relation to work. The fights have been a lot worse lately, and we both decided to give us another chance. Me, my girlfriend and my friend were out in my friend's car. We were inside the city and the accident rates inside city are very less. My girlfriend insisted me to wear seat belt. Apparently her mom had a serious car accident in a different country. I didn't want to wear seat belt, since it was a short transit. She kept on arguing as to why wearing seat belt is important. My friend was also telling that it is not required. I was trying to cheer her up and trying to make her laugh and make the situation lighter. I expected her to keep quiet when I said I don't want to wear it. But she went on. And then she got annoyed and just stopped talking to me, when I asked her something she didn't reply. My friend was also annoyed because it was more like questioning his driving skills. He asked her 'Why are you annoying your boyfriend and fighting with him for such a silly thing? I have been driving for 8 years and nothing has happened so far. You are making a tiny issue into something big which is not required'. His tone was a little strong and he clearly meant 'why cant you just shut up'. She got offended. My friend was supporting me, so I couldn't tell him anything. To make the moment a little lighter, I wore the seat belt. She replied to my friend - 'I am not questioning your driving skills, it could be someone else's fault as well. Why do even cars have seat belts then'. After we got out of the car, she made it a big issue saying - 'how can your friend talk like that to me. It was between us, why would he even talk to me. And when he said that, you didn't stand up for me? What respect do I have in front of your friends. You have projected me this way, that any random guy can say anything on my face, and you wouldn't say a word'. I told her 'you insulted me by asking continuously to wear seatbelt when I clearly didn't want to wear it, and hence I didn't want to stand up for you'. It ended up as a big fight and she didn't even take my apologies later. She says that she has been insulted a lot already and this added to everything else and she doesn't want to be with me. I am not sure if she is overreacting or if I was wrong.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Apr 11, 2017, 08:07 AM
    I am always puzzled when people go on and on about fighting a lot, and then say they love the person. WHY do you love her?
    Also, a line by line story of one fight isn't very much help to you or to us. You need to try to identify TYPES of differences you two have, and then ask yourself HOW you solve them.
    For instance, this was a fight about how much control one person can expect to have over the other, based on concern for safety. It's a matter of some concern, but not a lot for those who are not married, especially without children. I am the kind of person who doesn't want ANYONE to tell me to wear a seatbelt in MY CAR, but I wear it in THEIR CAR. In this case, the friend, the owner of the car, was the one in charge of saying who had to wear a seatbelt.
    But on the subject of CONTROL - do you find her trying to control you a lot?
    What are the TYPES of things you fight about, in a general summary?

    This little story isn't the problem. The problem is when do two fighting people just admit they don't love each other anymore, or sit down and talk out the whole relationship, or go to counseling?

    So... why exactly do you love her? I don't even like her!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,213, Reputation: 10853
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    #3

    Apr 11, 2017, 08:12 AM
    Of course you are wrong for expecting your girlfriend to just shut up, and drop what she obviously felt strong about. You are wrong because after all those arguments, you didn't avoid this one. You are wrong for being so clueless given the history and reconciliation after. You are wrong to take a simple thing and making it a complicated mess.

    Doesn't matter what you think of the merits of the argument, or whose side you were on, or even if she was over reacting, because it was all avoidable. You didn't want to comply with her wishes, and an argument followed, and you should have seen that one coming and avoided it. You didn't so you learned NOTHING from your previous lessons.

    Dude YOU were wrong because she said so. Nothing else matters in a relationship! All that matters now is what you do about it! Grovel some more, or go riding with your friend without your seat belts.

    PS

    In my country seat belts are the LAW, because really bad stuff can happen when you are in the right, and some fool in the wrong hits you. You should have buckled up, and avoided bad stuff happening to you! No doubt this isn't the first time you thought she over reacted, and no doubt you were wrong in how you handled it before so no doubt you will still get the same outcomes as you have been getting no matter whose right or wrong or who over reacted or not.

    You were wrong to assume everything was going to be alright doing things the same way you probably always have been.

    NOW WHAT?
    as1234's Avatar
    as1234 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 11, 2017, 08:20 AM
    I love her because I think we can make this relation work. We are good together, we can have a good conversation, we can talk on topics.. she takes care of me and she is smart. She is talented, beautiful and she is an independent woman. I think she is the best woman that I can get. However, we both are aggressive and when we fight we both scream and shout and find it difficult to handle the situation. But we both thought, we will work on it. About control, she has concerns about me being settled in life, which I am not. She keeps on saying that she wants to be someone who treats her like a man, who is focused. I promised her that I will be working towards that. But when she keeps on saying that all the time, I get annoyed. May be I have not been able to be up to her expectation. But yes, in this situation it was my decision to not wear a seatbelt. The fight was not about me not wearing the seat belt, but it was about how I let my friend shut her up, how I let someone disrespect her, and did not stand up for her. I was helpless, I clearly couldn't say anything to my friend. But she says, I have always talked to her friends, about how much she fights with me, and projected her bad, which has given him the freedom to talk in front of me. Actually, I have discussed our fights with my friends and they believe I am unhappy in this relation.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 11, 2017, 08:27 AM
    PS - I am a woman, and talaniman is a man. Notice our different takes on this, although deep down they are almost the same. His is tongue in cheek.
    (He and I are good online buds, I think)
    We women tend to look for whys and wherefores and emotions and so on.
    Men are more likely to get right to the nuts and bolts - "All that matters now is what you do about it! Grovel some more, or go riding with your friend without your seat belts."
    I have a good appreciation for such nice concrete advice.

    (Not that it's relevant, but I NEVER wear my seat belt in my own car, and I'm in the same country.)

    Just read your next comment. Expecting you to stand up for her against your friend is another form of control. Her interaction with him is hers and hers alone! He wasn't calling her nasty names or threatening her. She is capable of, and needs to, stand up for her own opinions.
    I see control all over her.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #6

    Apr 11, 2017, 12:04 PM
    When did they start giving driver's licenses to 10 years olds?

    Harsh? Probably. But that was a tough read and yes to me it sounded like 10 year olds. Maybe one or both are too immature to be in a relationship. Fighting over stupid things or fighting just to fight is so much energy wasted on negativity. Drama for drama's sake does not make a good relationship. You two decided to give it another go and boom, right back into fighting.

    Bottom line is if you love your partner then you put your partner's needs above your own, and then there's no fighting because you both should be doing that. My partner and I have been together almost 7 years and we don't ever fight.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Apr 11, 2017, 01:19 PM
    'I love her because I think we can make this relation work.' That's called begging the question. It answers nothing. Actually you want to make it work because you love her, but you don't say that.
    You give 5 attributes that you like - good conversation, smart, talented, beautiful, and something vague about taking care of you.

    I hadn't really noticed that before. Now I think it's why you are in this muddle - you like her 'taking care of you,' but in my book, that goes hand in hand with constantly telling you what to do every minute, not to mention for the rest of your life plans.

    So here's my conclusion: You are something of a passive guy without a lot of ambition, who likes a woman who does have ambition, and expects it out of you too, so she controls you. And you of course don't like it.

    You can't have this beautiful smart ambitious woman AND a the freedom to be whom you want to be. Why? She isn't interested in that scenario.

    You decide.
    Beauty/brains and the hen-pecked wimp?
    OR
    Go your separate ways?
    as1234's Avatar
    as1234 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 11, 2017, 01:47 PM
    To my understanding she is someone who doesn't like to control but to be controlled. She always tells me how she dislikes to be dominant and how she wants me to take control of things at home including financial things. And she dislikes the fact that I don't care about these things. She tells me that she wants to be with a man who is ambitious, whom she can look up to, and seek advices when she needs. Apparently I am a careless irresponsible guy in her view. She gets annoyed may be because I promised her that I will change, but haven't shown that through actions. I am ambitious, but I am not in the right frame of mind now. I play a lot of video games and don't earn well at this point - these are the things that annoy her. I apologized after the incident, a lot of times. But she doesn't seem to take any of my apologies.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #9

    Apr 11, 2017, 02:01 PM
    "she dislikes to be dominant"

    Me thinks Pinocchio's nose is growing on that one. She sounds very controlling but that is just from hearing your side only. This relationship sounds like oil and water, or better yet, gasoline and a match. Fixable? Not if you two don't grow up. Drama isn't cute and never will be.
    as1234's Avatar
    as1234 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 11, 2017, 02:42 PM
    To be honest, I have never felt her to be a dominant person. She is independent. She takes care of the house. She knows when to pay the bills, when to buy grocery, which she thinks I should be doing. She expects a role reversal. I share the duties when she asks me to. But she wants me to command so that she can help me in the financial matters. Since I don't do it, she labels me as irresponsible.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,213, Reputation: 10853
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    #11

    Apr 11, 2017, 02:43 PM
    she doesn't seem to take any of my apologies.
    Groveling is no fun (Nor did it work), so go riding with your friend without seat belts, and hope some unwitting fool doesn't screw you up. No shame at failing at a relationship, happens to us all, some more than others.

    Obviously it takes more than love to get along and build a life together.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #12

    Apr 14, 2017, 12:00 PM
    You should wear a seatbelt. Your arguments against it are dumb. Your friend's driving record is irrelevant. He's not driving every car on the road - you could be hit by someone else. Most fatal accidents occur within 1/2 mile of home - you needn't go very far to die in a car accident. How long you're in the car, how far you go - it doesn't matter. If she lost a loved one in an accident and you won't wear a seat belt so she can just relax during the ride without worrying about your death, you're being selfish and dumb about it and triggering the argument. Why not just put the seatbelt on when she first asked you to? Knowing she's sensitive about it, if you love her, why don't you just put it on when you get in the car?

    She did not "insult" you either. She said nothing offensive about your friend's driving. She was thinking of your welfare and you were being an idiot about it.

    If all your arguments are similar to this one, I think she's too mature for you and should break up with you.

    When you love someone, you don't needlessly worry them, don't act cavalier about your safety (someone else is now counting on you to live) and you don't bait them into arguments in front of your friends. Yes, you caused the argument in front of your friend, not her.

    You have a lot of growing up to do - you talked to your girlfriend as if you were a teenager mouthing off at his mother, and even now you don't have the self-reflection to recognize that you were very out of line and she, on the other hand, was quite reasonable.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #13

    Apr 14, 2017, 03:26 PM
    I disagree 100% with dontknownuthin. Perhaps he should wear a seatbelt, but that isn't the matter at hand. It isn't her place to harangue ANYONE who isn't in HER car about it.
    If she were married, especially with children, that would be different.

    As for the house and finances and so on, you are clearly still a teenager, and she is clearly moving into adulthood, and you are wasting your time together. It won't last.

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