[vapedad1996]

Ok, bear with me! I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be--

I am 20 years old (female), the person I'm interested in is a 24 year old guy. We met on Tinder (I know... ) in October sometime, he 'superliked' me (if you know what that means I think it may be significant), and we started talking on the app. It seemed like we had a lot in common, so I asked him out and he didn't respond for a couple of days, so I think I said something like "ehh Tinder sucks, you should text me! 333-333-3333" and he texted me, and we talked over text for a while until (again) I asked him out to coffee or whatever and this time he told me that he didn't have a job yet, etc, and would love to but only had very little money (we both just moved to this city from different states). I asked him when would work, and he never responded...
At this point I moved on, but didn't totally forget about him because for some reason I was really into the idea of who he was//what could be/ or whatever.

Fast forward a few months, after class one day I took the bus downtown to surprise one of my best friends at work, and lo and behold, that is when I realized that he works with her! Apparently she had already told me about him, because he and I have a lot in common... which I put together after making this discovery, but I just didn't realize it at the time. We made awkward eye contact at her work... but didn't talk. He and I had never seen each other in the flesh before.
Later that night after they got off work, my friend convinced me to text him, which I did. We talked the rest of the night. A few days later I believe, he went on tour with his band for a couple of weeks, we talked a few times over text while he was away, and when he got back, we hung out for the first time.

At this point I think it is imperative that I mention that the first time we texted after I gave him my phone number we both talked about how we both weren't looking for hookups anymore, and also weren't quite sure if we wanted a committed relationship (not with each other, but in general) but were leaning more towards that. I broke up with my ex in late May, and he broke up with his ex about a year ago, but had on and off contact with her while he was living in his home state. I had ZERO contact with my ex until I met him last month for an hour to get some closure. They still occasionally check in with each other i.e. "how are you doing?" once a month or whatever but it doesn't really escalate beyond that. We discussed our exes the first time we texted.

Anyway, when we hung out the first time, we JUST talked for 8 hours straight. We got a cheap dinner, and then hung out on my couch for eight hours talking... He opened up a lot to me and vice versa. This is how I learned how much baggage he has (not that I should be one to talk). He grew up with an alcoholic father who ended up going to jail (and is still in jail, in some state--he doesn't even know where) for more than 15 years. He wouldn't tell me why. We found out that we were both in mental hospitals for a bit the same month of the same year (March 2014), and we are both sober (me due to issues I had with drugs, him by choice), and are both vegan/vegetarian, like the same music, are both taking a break from school right now, but have degrees in process, etc. He didn't make any moves on me, and I didn't attempt any on him. His last relationship was the first one he had ever been in, even though he has slept with other people. And he lost his virginity at 21. I have been in long term relationships with a few people, and lost my virginity at 16. I think he is still hurting a lot from his last relationship since it was essentially the first breakup he has ever gone through.

A few days before I went home for the holidays we hung out again, and walked around downtown, got food, etc. and talked for 6 hours. Again, it went great! We get along so well, it feels really natural, and again, we both didn't make any moves on each other and there was no physical contact other than a (longer than normal) hug at the beginning and end of the date. He texted me the next day and we talked the next couple of days, and a bit while we were both gone at home, and he texted me almost the entire night on New Years Eve... talking about how he wished he was in the city we both now live in (where I was), and what not. I got back home on the 29th, and he got back last Sunday on the 1st. I have not seen him since then! I texted him two days after he got back and asked if he wanted to hang out Tuesday, but he was busy with his band that day, and he said he would let me know when a good time would be for him soon. I followed up yesterday, and he finally told me that honestly, that night was the first night he hadn't had any plans or anything going on, and he just needed to stay in and be alone. He said he still hadn't unpacked his suitcase, and that he had a bad trip back home. I told him that I understood, and that if he needed to talk I was here. And he thanked me and told me that I could talk to him too. That was yesterday.

He initially said we could probably get together some time this weekend but he hasn't gotten back to me and I don't want to stress him out, but I am a very impatient person. He is pretty introverted and I am fairly extroverted so it is sometimes hard for me to understand from his perspective, but I try to give him lots of space. I wish he would talk to me about things, or take comfort in my presence, but that is probably what's different between us. I would want to spend time with friends to feel better, while he probably needs time to recharge.

Anyway, I guess what I am confused about/ need help with is understanding this situation. I am pretty sure I want a relationship with him, and I think that is what he wants with me too, but I think he is distracted by a lot of other things and is still going through things with his ex. He is very sensitive and emotional which I really respect, but I know he feels things that happened a long time ago still very deeply. I am completely okay taking things VERY slowly with him (which is how things are going), but I want some kind of signal that this is still what he wants and that he's into me! I would've given up with this whole situation a while ago for someone who didn't piqué my interest but I am VERY into him... which is something I have not felt for someone and certainly not any of the weird relationships I had since my last ex. I really want a chance to try things out with him, and I'm frustrated that he isn't giving me more time (I know it sounds selfish). I'm not sure if he isn't ready for another relationship... or doesn't know how to start one again?. or doesn't remember how to start something without sleeping with someone (which is what I am trying not to do as well!)... or what? But we have such good chemistry when we are physically in the same place, and we have so much in common... I just can't seem to let this go. I want to make it work. Is there any hope?

Other details-
His ex does not live in the same state anymore either, so he didn't see her when he went home.

He talked to his other coworker about me (who then told my friend who works with him) and he essentially said the same thing that he said to me i.e. "There's this girl I've been seeing....but I was a 'player' in ____(old home state)__ and I DEFINITELY don't want a hookup... but I'm not sure I want a relationship either..."

Help! And thank you for reading!

[tickle]

Sorry but you have already sensed a lot of red flags. I don't know why you would want a relationship with this fellow that involves so much work. Liking each other, and letting each other know is not a lot of work if there is something there to start with. It appears there is nothing here for you to work on. You are wanting to read a lot into this, there is possibly no chemistry as it appears to you or something would be happening. There is nothing happening. Forget this and move on and try to meet someone in a personable social atmosphere other then dating sites.

[talaniman]

The heart wants what it wants, but use your head. This is where YOU back off and focus on other things besides him, be it work, play, school, friends, or even DATING (For fun, NOT for love or romance which is what it's all about anyway). In this way you can keep some semblance of healthy balance in your life, since let's face it, he ain't chasing you, or even sending encouraging signals right now. So that one sided attraction, and chemistry, desire, are all on you. Recognize that and back up and regroup and rethink, so you keep YOUR objectivity about YOUR own thinking, actions, and feelings to better deal with the desires of YOUR OWN heart.

In short deal with your own baggage, and don't get stuck on HIS, whatever it is. I know things went well for a while and got you hopeful, but for whatever the reason, it's gotten bogged down. It was great while it lasted, but for now let it go, and get some reality to balance the fantasy.

You are overthinking this put simply, but that's what the heart does to us sometimes. Don't let your heart stop you from enjoying, or seeing better options, and opportunities for fun and yes, even love and romance. LOL, he may even circle back for a second look, but why hold your breathe for that to happen?

Enjoy your youth.

[joypulv]

We really didn't need all the details of the development of this, so that we could see what's important.
The part I picked up on is the extrovert vs introvert. I am concerned that what you really mean is that you tend to rush things and want lots of responses, and he doesn't. That to me translates to need for frequent contact, by text or phone or skype instagram, etc.
My suggestion (IF I'm interpreting this correctly) is to force yourself to back off.

'I just can't seem to let this go. I want to make it work. Is there any hope?'
No, there isn't. UNLESS you do let it go, let him breathe, let him proceed at his own pace.
I would tell him. I would say that you really like him but can see that he is extra cautious, so you are going to back off and even try to see who else is out there, and hope that he contacts you.
You have to mean it. Consider it a job, a test. A test of your maturity. People who say 'I can't let it go' are being weak. Be strong.

[Oliver2011]

I read this a little differently than the others I guess.

Why does every move he makes turn into a very lengthy paragraph? That strikes me as a little bit odd. What you call baggage is just another person's past and some are more colorful than others. Case in point - He had a breakup. Whoopie! Most guys his age have had one if not several but you turned into the sequel of War and Peace. Also with his sexual history. Most guys his age have had sex with more than one person and it doesn't make it the epic beginning of a five part miniseries. It's like every move he makes or has made becomes a very dramatic event for you.

[vapedad1996]

Thanks everyone for the responses. As difficult as it is for me I think I'm just going to take joypulv's advice and back off completely. If he never texts me or calls me or comes to see me again I guess I will have to live with that, but at least it kind of gives me a plan for right now.

@Oliver2011-
I don't really know what you're referring to... I mentioned his sexual history once in passing because I think it could be relevant as one of my theories as to why (if he's interested) he could be taking things so slowly-- he explicitly told me and his coworker too, that he did NOT want to hook up. And I mentioned his ex situation because again, I thought it may be relevant to his behavior. In no way am I surprised that he is going through a break up, or is still torn up about it. They were dating for 3 years. I agree with you about his 'baggage' being simply his past, but I phrased the question that way because with other people in my life that I have spoken to about this issue outside of the situation, they have mostly told me that they think I should run away because of how much 'baggage' he has. As I stated, we have a LOT in common, and I also have a decent amount of 'baggage' so I'm definitely not holding that against him? I put a disclaimer in the beginning of the post for the length of the post, and I included so many details because at this point I am at a loss of what to do and I don't know what is and isn't relevant.

[Oliver2011]

It is curious to me that you have only known this person since October and you are so far into the weeds of his "baggage". The start of a relationship is fun and exciting. It's when both parties are still acting and not allowing the other to see some of the real person. You two dove in hook, line, and sinker to the depths of whatever. It's almost as if you both live for the drama and not for the fun of the relationship. I am not judging, it's just an observation. It's just way too serious and depressing for someone who is 20.

[smoothy]

You will be dealing with this crap as long as you are with them. Unless you have a halo over your head you will get tired of it at some point. THen you will wake up and wonder where all the time went you will never get back.