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    audreygrey's Avatar
    audreygrey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 11, 2016, 03:29 AM
    I need advice
    So basically my boyfriend moved country to study there. He was going to this posh boarding school, with so much compulsory study and all that. Before he started school, we skyped every day and talked about everything we could possible talk about. Then, when he started school he became so busy and we didn't call for a week.

    Some of this might sound clingy but, the last time we spoke I told him I loved him, and he told me too. His replies on text started to get short, and I could tell something was up. Then the next weekend he said that we needed to talk. Since he was free for a few minutes, we called on Skype.

    He said that he didn't think it was working with how he was so busy, and for now he wanted to focus on studies and that he needs to think about university and stuff - though the feelings are still there and he assured me it wasn't about another girl. He might be coming to visit back in my country, but that would be in 9 months. I really miss him, and he misses me - I don't know what do to as I'm taking this quite hard. It's hard for me because we've known each other for six years. He has liked me for four years and counting. Of course, I'm happy that he is happy at his new school.

    I just don't know what to do because I feel like waiting for him, but I know that's not the best idea. Maybe I'll meet someone else, I don't know but right now I believe that I'll never really lose my feelings for him. The fact that he's outside the country makes it hard, and he said he still wants to be good friends as we have known each other for so long.

    Sorry for the long post, just need some advice x
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Oct 11, 2016, 04:01 AM
    You have a lot of time invested in your relationship and you say you love each other. The fact that he is away furthering his education does not alter that fact and you are probably over thinking this. Is there a possibility that you can visit him sooner then 9 months ? Why is not waiting for him not the best idea; you are jumping to conclusions about a relationship that, I think, sounds pretty good after six years. Do you actually want to through that all away. No, I would have to say relax, carry on communicating with him, assure him that you and he are doing the right thing and that you will stick by him no matter what.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Oct 11, 2016, 05:21 AM
    I have the opposite feeling - it's over. "We have to talk" and "It's not working out" are what nice people say to let you down easy. I'm sorry, but going off to school means TONS of girls for him to get to know and like, maybe not date yet, but soon. The chances of LDRs lasting in general, for school or jobs or families moving, are almost nil.

    I would tell him that you thank him for telling you so nicely and will always treasure what you had and have, even if it has changed, and will try to start dating other men. He will be relieved and appreciative, and who knows what might happen someday? People do sometimes decide the old relationships did have something special about them.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,227, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Oct 11, 2016, 06:10 AM
    Breakups suck no matter how nicely it's done. It may be hard to accept this change in the relationship, from romance to friends, but if you give yourself time to mourn, grieve, and heal from your loss, which may take a long time given how long and much you have invested and ENJOYED each other, by doing the same thing he is doing... focusing on building a life without you. You have one thing that he may not working in your favor and that's the support and love of friends and family as you go through this difficult time. Lean on them, love yourself and be patient and don't try to keep up the appearances of a friendship while you heal your heart, that's pure torture, and breeds FALSE HOPE, and delays the healing process.

    Let him be happy and you learn to be happy yourself without him by being grateful for the time you did have and embracing the possibilities of a bright future for yourself. I know, a bit impossible to see that right now, so just find a friend(s) explain the pain, and VENT away until you are ready to accept this major change in your life.

    I think the worst thing you could do would be to pretend you are cool with this break up, and ready to just stay in touch as a friend. Don't go there.

    Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped, disappear from their life and build your own life with friends, family, and activities that you enjoy without them.

    Trust me that's EXACTLY what he is doing as sad as he may be for dumping YOU!

    Good Luck.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #5

    Oct 11, 2016, 11:38 AM
    Move on with your life. You don't have to hate him but pretending you're just friends is hurtful and you aren't going to be OK with downshifting to being one of his buddies and hearing about his new dates. New men in your life won't be comfortable with you hanging onto this guy as a friend, either. So, cut ties and allow yourself to feel what you feel, but don't wallow. Go out with your friends, hang out with your family, work on your own goals. He's at university - what are your big future plans? Make sure you have some and go after them!

    And you know what - when you go off to do whatever you have in mind, it's best that you not have a boyfriend back home when you get there. It will totally kill your fun and social life. Meet people with whom you are sharing experiences and can go on dates, and see a movie, and have lunch together and so forth. You are too young for a big commitment that holds you to one person who's far away.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Oct 11, 2016, 12:19 PM
    I agree, time to simply cut your losses and move on... a wound won't heal if you keep picking at it, so don't TRY to be friends (because all you would REALLY be doing is hoping he changes his mind, which he isn't going to do).

    He moved on... you need to as well.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #7

    Oct 11, 2016, 01:38 PM
    Sorry you guys, I don't agree with any one of you, but that is just me. I never gave up on anything my entire life, including men. It has always turned out right for me because I am completely honest about my feelings. What a bunch of downers. I got nothing like you saw out the OPs post. I saw six years of dedication from both of them. Why do you not think that matters ? She doesnt want to give up on that. Out of sight does not necessarily mean out of mind.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Oct 11, 2016, 01:51 PM
    Because I'm a guy and see how he's acting? She might still have her heart into it... but it seems pretty clear to me he doesn't.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Oct 11, 2016, 03:26 PM
    I have to agree with the others, it's time to date other people and forget about this guy. He let you down nicely, wants to focus on his studies, wants to remain friends, your relationship is no longer working for him. He broke up with you, and he did it as nicely as he could because he does care about you, as friend. Sadly, sometimes being nice about it means the other person can't or won't move on because they still hope to fix the relationship.

    Or you could hang on and hope, and who knows, maybe in a few months, or years, he may want to get back with you. It can happen. But why sit around waiting for it when it's not a sure thing.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #10

    Oct 11, 2016, 03:41 PM
    Audrey, you don't say how long you have been dating so I am going to ask if the gentleman asked about in this thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-824573.html is the same person?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Oct 11, 2016, 04:21 PM
    Good catch cat1864. Heartbroken over a crush 4 months ago and today its she's heartbroken over a guy she's been dating for 4+ years... something isn't adding up here at all.
    audreygrey's Avatar
    audreygrey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Oct 12, 2016, 12:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    Good catch cat1864. Heartbroken over a crush 4 months ago and today its she's heartbroken over a guy she's been dating for 4+ years... something isn't adding up here at all.
    Oh sorry, I wasn't clear enough. We haven't been dating for long although he has has liked me for years. We only started dating a few months ago. The other post, was one of my friends. We have one account in which we all use, sorry for the confusion
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #13

    Oct 12, 2016, 05:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by audreygrey View Post
    Oh sorry, I wasn't clear enough. We haven't been dating for long although he has has liked me for years. We only started dating a few months ago. The other post, was one of my friends. We have one account in which we all use, sorry for the confusion
    So several of you post here using the same name, right ? That is not kosher Audrey and if it is indicitive of this thread, you just left me with egg on my face for defending you. That is dirty pool Audrey.

    Tick
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #14

    Oct 12, 2016, 05:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by audreygrey View Post
    Oh sorry, I wasn't clear enough. We haven't been dating for long although he has has liked me for years. We only started dating a few months ago. The other post, was one of my friends. We have one account in which we all use, sorry for the confusion
    Audrey, your friends need their own accounts. We sometimes refer to older threads to gain insight into current issues. As you can see, sharing an account can cause confusion and that doesn't help anyone.

    If you had been dating longer, I would agree with Tickle about waiting for him. However, I think this separation may be good for both of you. It may help you both see other possibilities that are out there.

    When you focus on one person, it is easy to overlook a different person who might suit you better. Sometimes, it becomes an excuse not to put yourself through learning about dating or actually trying build a different relationship than the one you think you want.

    Sometimes, the feelings we have for 'crushes' are mislabeled feelings of very deep friendship. Several times I have watched close friends who thought they were in love try to build romantic relationships. For them, it turned out they were better friends than couples. For one couple, separation showed them that they weren't meant to be a couple. For another, it turned very nasty after several months. The reality of being together didn't match the dreams and fantasies they had built up.

    That's why I think this separation and going your own ways for a while will be good for both of you. The time apart and not together may show just how strong your feelings are and whether they are romantic love or friendship.
    audreygrey's Avatar
    audreygrey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Oct 12, 2016, 07:11 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by tickle View Post
    So several of you post here using the same name, right ? That is not kosher Audrey and if it is indicitive of this thread, you just left me with egg on my face for defending you. That is dirty pool Audrey.

    Tick
    Not quite clear what you said, but sorry. I very rarely use this website as you can tell and I'm still not sure how it works. Thank you for your answers though :)
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #16

    Oct 12, 2016, 08:18 AM
    Every site I have ever been on frowns highly upon multiple people using one account. They are free, no reason for every person NOT to have their own.

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