[Yellowball]

I need advice about my mother. I am 23 years old, med student. I worked my off since I was 16. Never asked her for a penny. I am doing well for myself. I never left the house, never did drugs, never drank, I don't have a bad history. However, my mother won't let me breathe. And this gets worse as I get older. I can't move out yet because I am not financially stable. I do work and have money for myself, but living in New York, rent isn't cheap. My mother controls my finances, reads my email, snoops through my laptop, reads my mail and when I am not home she goes through my bags and looks for stuff.

I recently did a mail forwarding because she would open and read all my mail. She found the letter stating the forwarding because while I was on vacation, she went through all my purses that I hid, and found that letter. When I go to a drug store to buy tampons, and throw out the receipt, she digs in the garbage to find that crumbles receipt just to see what I bought. When I go to hang out with my friends, she will call me at least 10 times. I am not kidding, all of my friends have witnessed it. The minute I leave my house, I see her calling.

Now I separated my bank account from her because I feel like I am old enough to control my finances. I changed my passwords so she won't snoop through my stuff, but she still manages to stalk my life. Today she called me and accused me of using her name to open credit cards because I know her SSN. Clearly, she can check her credit history and see that it's not true. She justifies that accusation by the fact that I did mail forwarding and I am trying to hide things from her. I only did it because she has no right to open my personal mail.

She is suffocating me. I tried speaking to her, but she is a mass manipulator and flips everything on me. She doesn't approve of my boyfriend, even though he has a good job and is also in the medical field. She tells me not to marry him because he wears glasses and our kids will come out blind. Mind you, she is a nurse so she knows that is not how things work. There are a lot of other things I won't get into. I can't move out in the near 2 years because I am still in school. I do not know what to do. Locking my room is also not an option, because if she needs to, she will crawl through the window. Help!!

[smoothy]

You are in her house, live with it until you have your own. Sorry but while you are in her house you really aren't supporting yourself and living under someone else's roof this is the price that you pay.

When you are a bit older and out on your own for a while you will begin to understand her more. When you have kids on your own... you will REALLY understand her.

Be thankful she hasn't made you move out... many parents would have long before now.

When you act suspicious, you give others reason to be suspicious. Even if you might not have actually done anything. How much of your the money you make are you giving her to help offset what it costs to house and feed you? Now that doesn't buy you absolute freedom under her roof, but might explain some of her actions. Example, you pay her nothing and go out spending money on a lot of stuff for yourself.

[tickle]

Smoothy is right. If you are doing well for yourself, then get your own place and move out, and you will not have this problem. You are 23 years old, you should know this by now.

[joypulv]

I had the same mother, but I left home right after high school. Although I started college pre-med, I dropped out of college right away partly to have total freedom from any dependence on her. She wasn't quite as snoopy as yours but very, very critical. I could do nothing right.

When my parents were in their 80s, I went home, and took care of them. I had always told myself that I would treat my mother the same way she treated me, but I didn't. Not even a little.

(I highly doubt that this has anything to do with how much money you contribute to the house. I think I totally understand what you are going through.)

I gave up a medical career. You haven't. We all make choices, and the choices aren't usually smooth sailing.
Last Sunday morning, I think it was, Barbra Streisand gave an interview on CBS. For me it was jaw dropping. Some of it was about her extremely critical mother.
You can find it, I'm sure, online. She and I and you aren't the only ones! Small comfort, but it's all we can give you.
Do your internship far away, and count the months.
Of course it doesn't mean that she won't try to control you from afar, but you will learn how to both avoid her and to stand up to her. Standing up to her is a conditional command: IF you want me in your life, you MUST let me live it without control.

[talaniman]

Do you really expect her to change because you don't like her ways? She hasn't for anyone else in her life has she? Obviously you are still there because it serves YOUR needs to pursue YOUR goals and that's your choice but since YOUR future is YOUR priority, then you must also ACCEPT the conditions that comes with that choice of priorities, which is putting up with your mom in HER house.

So you grin and bear the hardship of your critical overbearing mama, and get through med school, or you leave and find another way to get what you want on your own. Again she will never change, for you or anyone, so you must choose if the price of getting what you want worth it or not?

Sorry you don't have the sweet, loving, supportive mom, you think you deserve, or just wish for, because I think you are a good kid, but you have chosen a path that keeps you very dependent on that crazy mean woman you live with, and should be grateful you even have that option which has to be better than being independent and capable of getting what you want out of life on your own by your own devices.

Seldom do 23 year olds understand completely their elder, nor know what to do about it, so at this point figure YOURSELF out because right or wrong, fair or unfair that's all you can control.

Hope for the best, and plan for the worst, and good luck because you'll need it.

[dontknownuthin]

Most graduate students are broke and do not live with their parents. You may have to bite the bullet and get more student loans to cover your housing. Talk to the financial aid office at your university about your options.

Then when you move out you have to be careful about what you discuss with your mother and, you should sign up for a credit monitoring service. Your mom is more than a suffocating mom from your description - it sounds like she has a mental health problem given how far she has gone.

If she asks about your finances just tell her, "Money is tight but I'm managing. you don't need to worry about it". If she asks what you make, tell her, "that's not something I'm going to share with you, Mom. I'm an adult, I need privacy about some things.' If she asks about your love life, answer simply and without explanation, "John and I are getting along well, Mom." If she presses about whether you are going to marry him, when, etc., "I'm focusing on school the moment, Mom. If we get engaged, you will be the first person I will tell." Deflect, deflect, deflect. When she predictably complains, tell her, "Mom, I'm very deliberately shifting to an adult mother/daughter relationship with you. I need more privacy. I still need you in a different way. Right now, I need you to fake that you have confidence that I can handle my life."

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see, a password on your computer will stop her from looking at your email and computers

Other passwords for emails, and social medial.

After the first call, don't answer.

Throw reciepts away before you get home, if it is a big deal for you.
Personally I would get a friend to get me a receipt for stupid things to leave around, just for the fun of it.