[bnl713]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Living together for 3. In the beginning our relationship was great. Year 2/3 was a bit tumultuous. We over came it and here we are now. I'm ready to take the next step in our relationship by getting engaged. I believe we have overcome our struggles as every relationship goes through ups and Downs. I don't want to be taken advantage of and I don't want to pressure him either. I feel like if I give him an ultimatum I might as well sign my divorce papers. Whenever I even try to discuss our future he gets mad. Even if it's me just casually bringing up, "one day when we get married..." . I've never pressured him but I'd like to know where I stand. Where we stand. I don't know how to handle this or what I should do.

[Wondergirl]

Why would he want to get engaged and married? What would be the point?

[J_9]

What's the point of getting married? You are already living with him. He has all he needs.

[Fr_Chuck]

He has his companion, sex partner, cook, house cleaner and so on.
He has no reason to want to get married.
Arrangements and agreement on marriage need to happen before you move in together,
Or shortly after.
After 3 years of living together, he would see no reason to do it

You propose, ask him to marry you, if you want to push it.
If you want marriage, you are going to have to push him.

If he would rather leave you, than get married, it seems to me, he does not really love you?? Just happy with all of the free services without commitments.
So if he would rather leave than get married, time to get rid of him and find someone who wants long term.

[talaniman]

Obviously you have not overcome ALL your issues as a couple since he cannot discuss a real commitment that you want with you. Seems he is already taking advantage of you, and you already know where you stand, as a live in girlfriend, so stop denying it, and make a choice between pressuring him and "divorcing" him.

If you do neither for sure nothing changes. Can you accept that?

[dontknownuthin]

His actions to date indicate that he does not want to marry you, so I think you should leave him. Alternatively, you determine to live with him indefinitely unmarried. There is no way you can press for marriage without pressing for marriage, and as you recognize, pushing someone who doesn't want to marry you into marriage is a mistake.

You also have a lot to say about past problems and working through difficult times and so on, and it sounds like you are justifying him being the wrong person. And you even go so far as to explain that you can't bring it up because he can't have a rational discussion about your future. Hell, I talked about what I wanted in marriage with high school boyfriends even though I had no intention of marrying until I finished college and had established myself. None got crazy about it - I made clear that I was talking about the future, not planning to get married young. The point of dating is preparing for marriage, so if the discussion of marriage is off the table there would not be any further effort on my part to form a relationship with the person.

Some men don't want to marry because they don't want the responsibility of taking care of a wife and kids and being the man of the house, whether the wife works as well or not. This tells you a lot about his maturity and character. He is telling you "I don't want to do any heavy lifting in this relationship and I want no responsibility for your welfare". Harsh, but he wants someone to hang out with and sleep with while you want a marriage. Just leave already. It's hard to leave after 5 years but worse to leave after 6.

[smoothy]

Speaking as a guy... if I already had it all, why would I want to get married. Very little upside additionally, (being able to file joint returns but even that isn't always a positive). Lots of downsides... legal obligations if it turns sour, like divorce, alimony etc...

Naw... I see no reason he would want to get married... not really anything in it for him at this point. Just being honest.

[joypulv]

I read your complaint about him last year. NO WAY would I stay with this guy. You wrote it that way! Why would any of us take his side? So given that we are all on your side, the question is why are you even here asking?
Don't talk to him anymore about this. Plan what your life will be like without him, financially and emotionally and logistically. Then do it. Tell him matter of factly at the last minute. He can go home to his mother the way he always does.
If it's your house or apartment, give him notice to leave.
YOU believe this and that about the stages of your relationship, but he clearly doesn't. He isn't going to change. No one changes.

Will he try to get you back? Probably. Then he will drag it all out again, because you are just mother # 2 until his mother is gone. Then you are # 1.
And you? You will slowly panic over years and years, wondering where that real husband and marriage and kids went.
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