[J_9]

Now, you say it's your body. Think about what you are doing to it. By smoking you are inhaling toxic chemicals that cause cancer. Pot kills brain cells. Those brain cells don't grow back. Once they are killed by the drugs, they are gone forever. Alcohol damages your liver. Once it's gone you don't get it back.

Now, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad, but remember, your mom lost her husband. While you may not believe it, your mom needs you. She needs your companionship, she needs your friendship.

This is going to be hard to hear, but your mom isn't over the top, you are.

[Silvermist]

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter

[talaniman]

You aren't trying very hard to be a good daughter so what do you expect? That's something you have control over and can change immediately... if you want to!

[J_9]

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter

That's because you aren't trying to be a good daughter. This is all on you. Choices have consequences. If you want your mom to continue going through your stuff, keep on doing what you are doing. If you don't want her going through your stuff, and you want her to stop interrogating you, change your behavior.

It's all on you kiddo.

[Silvermist]

I just though stahing away and doing my own things was the right thing to do let her greive I didn't and don't want to cry about it and she seemed so sad all the time. I just totally screwed up made things worse for her. Should have just stopped and realized when she first started to ask quèstions what I was doing instead I just got angry and defensive. I do want to change that have a better relationship with my mum I don't want her to hate me or be angry

[J_9]

You got defensive because you knew what you were doing was wrong.

You you and your mom need each other. Whether you believe it or not, you will for the rest of your lives. It's hard to see at 14, but when you are 59 and your mother is 80 and on her deathbed, you will regret what you did for her if you continue down this path.

It's never too late to change your behavior and become close to her. You never know when you will lose her like you lost your father.

[Wondergirl]

It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

[Silvermist]

I think about that a lot after dad died it hurt a lot we had a really good relationship I talked to him about everything. I don't know if I could be like that with my mum if something happened to her

Thanks for the replys its obvious what I jeed to do quit doing these things and then mum will maybe not be so suspicious. Thanks

It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .

[Wondergirl]

Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .

But that is EXACTLY what you need to do -- to think about him and to cry -- especially angry tears ("Why did you leave me, Dad?") and tears of sadness ("I miss you so much, Dad!"). You've never really grieved. You've pushed away any anger and sadness over his death. You've done your very best to get on with life (and maybe, just maybe, your bad behavior has been a substitution and a cover-up for that grief you refuse to feel).

[Silvermist]

I don't understand why everyone tells me I need to cry. Hes dead it won't change anything it won't bring him back. If I let myself think of him and cry I won't be able to stop it took my mum and brothers along time to not be sad, I don't want that. Im fine he's gone and nothing will change that. I have my mum so I just need to stop doing what I am doing and not argue with her and try an be home more.

[J_9]

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.

[Silvermist]

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.

I need to ask to talk to her be honest and tell her everything. I don't want to lie about anything, I really don't want her to know about everything but if I don't tell her everything then I am still lying. I never really stopped and thought about how my behaviour would effect my mum so I will apologise to her as well. I am a bit worried how she will react I know she will be mad that I exspect but I cant handle it if she cries.

[Alty]

You're both hurting, and neither one of you have dealt with your grief. Your mom lost her husband, the father of her children, and now she's afraid of losing you too. That's the way I see it. She can't stand the thought of losing you too, and that's why she's being over protective.

Now you, you don't know how to talk to your mom, you don't want to see her cry, you don't want to upset her more, so you don't talk to her about your dad and the way you're feeling. You're doing things that aren't right because you're mourning, and right now getting high, going out, smoking cigarettes, and everything else you're doing, is a way for you to cope, or to escape. That's not healthy.

Both of you need to learn to talk to each other, to let each other cry about the loss of your dad, to be there for each other. Some days you'll cry buckets, and other days you'll remember the good times and you'll smile, and laugh. But ignoring your grief will only make things worse. Trust me on this.

I would suggest grief counseling for both of you. Separate sessions so you can say whatever is on your mind, and joint sessions so you can both learn how to deal with each other and this grief.

I know it's scary to see your mom cry. She's supposed to be your rock, the place you can always go for help, the place you can go to lean on. But mom is only human. She lost her husband, the man she loves, now she has to be alone, because one day you'll move out, have your own life, and she'll be left at home, alone, because the man she wanted to grow old with, is gone. And now she has to raise you alone, and you're still young. She's grieving, and she's scared, and she's worried about you. You can do so much to help with this. Be there, be a good kid, talk to each other, let her cry and when she does, hug her, hold her, and tell her you understand.

It's not going to be easy, but it's totally doable. You can do this. You seem to be a very strong person, so you can do this. She can do it too. But you both have to meet each other half way.

Hugs kiddo. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't make that loss the thing that ruins your life. You still have so much life to live, and your dad would want you to make the most of it, and be the best you can be. Make him proud.

[Alty]

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.

[Silvermist]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I feel extreamly guilty now about how my mum would be feeling because of me. I never did any of these things to hurt her I don't even know why myself. I will talk to her when she gets home from work no point in dragging this out anymore. I just hope she will fogive me for all the hurt I have caused her and all the lies I have told her.

[Silvermist]

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.

Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

[J_9]

Spend more time at home. Stop smoking cigarettes and drugs before it kills you. Your mother already lost her husband, she couldn't bare to lose her daughter.

[Alty]

Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

I think that's a good idea.

Now, if you need help changing your behavior, then talk to her, or talk to a counselor at school, or an Aunt or Uncle, or one of your brothers, and ask for help. Or ask us.

You're both hurting, not just her. That's one thing you have to deal with, you both have to deal with. Be there for each other. She's your mom, and she loves you, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing if she didn't love you. It's a lot easier just to sit back and let things happen. She's not doing that, she's snooping because she cares, and she loves you.

So accept that love, and give that love back to her. You both need each other right now, so let her in, let her be a part of your life. I know it's not always easy, being 14 is hard, and parents seem to be otherworldly at that age. I remember all too well feeling like that when I was 14. My parents went from super cool to people that didn't have a clue imo. I thought I knew everything and they didn't have a clue. They gave me my space, let me make mistakes, and when I really needed them, they helped me. I learned that it wasn't my parents that had changed, it was me. They were the same people, the people that loved me, always had. I learned that the advice they gave me, wasn't to stop me from having fun, but to keep me safe. I learned that I didn't know anything at the age of 14.

Now, as a mom, I get it.

You're going to be okay kid. You care, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on this site. You love your mom as much as she loves you. You just have to find a way to understand each other.

[Silvermist]

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

[Wondergirl]

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.