Check out some similar questions!

teachermama3 · Apr 12, 2007, 10:43 PM

I have this fear in the back of my mind that if I step out on faith and leave my abusive husband of ten years, that I will be alone forever. I have been with this man since I was sixteen years old, I am twenty eight now. That is a long time. Of course I would not want to jump in to a relationship with a man right away, but I know someday I will want to. What if nobody wants to be with me, and I have to just sit back and watch him move on? I know that this sounds ridiculous, but it is really how I feel. I think that all the years of verbal abuse and physical abuse have really impacted myself esteem. Sometimes, I just wonder what the heck is wrong with me... I mean, I am not unattractive by any means. I know that.. The point is, what if there is no one out there who would be interested in me? I have friends who are just average looking, who get hit on all the time. No one ever approaches me... (although I have been told I look mean... lol) What do you guys think?

4answers · Apr 13, 2007, 01:28 AM

I will answer this with a question.

What is worse being alone and missing having the positive benefits of a loving relationship.
Or
Being alone in an abusive relationship and missing having the positive benefits of a loving relationship.

Only you can really answer this. But instead of thinking what if I don't meet someone else. Take the view that you will never meet anyone else. In that case if you still feel that being on your own for the rest of your life is better than your present curcumstances ! Then you need to leave your present curcumstances.

(by doing it this way, you are leaving with the right frame of mind and the confidence to be on your own).

We are born alone and we die alone. There is no guarantee of having someone in your life between. Plan for the best case but prepare for the worst case.

Probably not what you want to hear, but leaving someone in the hope that you will meet another leads for you to forget the abusive past and see the ex with rose colured glasses and going back with them and into an even worse situation, just because you did not meet another.

mckenzie134 · Apr 13, 2007, 01:54 AM

Get out straight away...
I was in that position and I was a guy who was with a girl for four years she constantly argued and through stuff at me harassed me but I kept around caUSE I LIKED THE ACTION AND HAD FUN WITH MY MATES. She left me for another guy and I was devastated was so upset telling myself I will neve find anyone else my life is doomed. Well 6 months later I found a girl who was too good to be true. She was trustworthy and caring and thoughtful. I couldn't believe what I had been stuck in for four years. Not saying you will find someone but I would definitely give it a go cause you will. Don't just jump straight in to the first guy you will meet a few check out their character and how they treat you any abusive sighn toss them to the curb. You won't believe how good it can feel to be in love with someone who has your interests with them Amazing...

I can't tell you to leave it will be a hard decision but its better to be alomne than in an abusive relationship cause in another years it will only get worse and let be tell you abusive guys are normally cheating as well. GETOUT NOW

Clough · Apr 13, 2007, 02:09 AM

You are correct, that it is a long time. I am sure that the abuse of whatever kind has affected your self-esteem. Anyone who abuses someone who loves them is going to leave an impact on that person. Obviously, you are very thoughtful and reflective because of the way that you have worded your post. I am glad that you are reaching out.

Already you are doubting yourself that because you are thinking what is wrong with you. I am sure that nothing is wrong with you. You and this person just may not have been meant to be with each other. I mean, look at how young you were when you became committed to each other. Yet, you still had not had the opportunities to carve out your niche in life as far as who you are as single persons do, normally at about age 18 to 24.

You do not have to sit back and do nothing. Others will notice this post and give you good advice.

You are still young, and as you say, "not unattractive by any means." If I were you, I'd work on the fact that you have been told that you look "mean." Maybe you do because of the abuse that you have suffered. Hard to hide that from friends. One of first impressions that people have of you is how you look, not necessarily by what you wear or how your make-up or hair is, but how you look on your face. One way to show who you are, no matter what you are wearing, make-up or clothes, is to simply shine a smile.

Please remember that "the best mirror is a friend's eye." Can't hide things from friends who really care about and love you. Listen to them and work on the person that you want to be.

I think that it is time for you to take a stand and be the person that you want to be.

There are many fish in the sea. There will be others, with the same interests as you, who will want to share of themselves and be together with a person such as you. But, the choice is yours as to reaching out and seeking out those who are like yourself. A basic law of physics is that water seeks its own level. It is very much the same with people.

talaniman · Apr 13, 2007, 05:16 AM

Believe it or not you are still young enough to leave this bozo, and heal from his abuse, and see how rich life can be. Don't worry about finding some one, because healthy, happy positive people attract a lot of attention.

NowWhat · Apr 13, 2007, 11:28 AM

The fears you are expressing are they years of your husband talking. He has told you over and over that you are not worthy. Not good enough. And somewhere inside of you - you have started to believe that.
You may not get hit on because you wear a wedding ring. Not because you aren't pretty.
There is someone out there for you. Someone that is going to make you feel like every woman should.
But, before that can happen - you have to learn to love YOURSELF again.
I have had this conversation with a friend of mine. And I will tell you what I told her.

YOU CAN DO THIS! You are smart, funny and beautiful. You are going to be JUST FINE! Believe in yourself. Never let the words of that man come in your head again. YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS! You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to look in the mirror and LIKE what you see.

teachermama3 · Apr 13, 2007, 12:47 PM

Now that everyone knows my situation, I would also like to ask opinions on something else. My parents and siblings are well aware of my situation. When my husband would hurt me, I would go to my parents, bleeding , and they would bandage me or whatever. I would stay with them for a few days. During that time, I mentioned to my mother that I needed to press charges against my husband for hurting me. Her response was "two wrongs don't make a right." Every time I would have to come stay with them, they would tell me I needed to go back home. I had a good life growing up, I don't understand how on Earth they could feel this way. My sisters and my parents go on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how good he is to me, and how hard he works. All of this greatly adds to my confusion!! If I try to leave my husband, my mother quits talking to me-then I start doubting myself. I do not doubt that my mother loves me, but this just makes no sense. Also, the last time I tried to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. He disappeared for three days, saying that he was going to commit suicide. He ended up in a mental hospital for a month. My parents felt sorry for him-and told me that they were praying for my husband and I to be reunited. I went home. Ever since then, I have just given up. Thanks to all who answered my other posts, I hope I am not getting on anyone's nerves, but I really need help with this whole family issue.

BlakeCory · Apr 13, 2007, 01:32 PM

I am a Christian and do not endorse divorce having gone through it as a kid. When people get bored or unhappy then they need to work it out, marriage takes commitment.

Now, if he is hitting you, get out.

He may be sorry, suicidal, and beloved by your family - but that isn't relevant. Sometimes to forgive someone you have to remember. When you forgive someone you don't have to allow them the opportunity to hurt you again.

Proverbs 26:11 "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." When he returns to his vomit you don't have to be there.

God Bless

Lowtax4eva · Apr 13, 2007, 01:57 PM

Does he make a lot of money and are you better off than your parents were at your age? I haven't read the other posts but it sounds like they like him because of what he can provide rather than how he acts, which is idiotic.

Leave him, if your parents are so shallow that they like him for how much money he has then he will pass quickly from memory once he's gone and they'll be interested in something new, they may even start to see how he treated you.

Ash123 · Apr 13, 2007, 06:20 PM

Teachermama,

I know you are hurting BAD. Real BAD. But there is hope.

No one should be bitten, and your mother is not helping you with her trite expressions regarding your abuse.

So, you have to be REALLY REALLY strong and know that yes, it's you and your kids against the world. Call a lawyer. Talk to your friends.

See if you can start a new life safely without him in it... I think it will require a restraining order.

Is there something missing from your story?
why would your mother stop talking to her daughter for being abused and defending herself?
Does she drunk and partially to blame? I don't get it.

You can do it, but consider all parts to this story and fill in the details... if you are living in hell, there is NO reason to keep a child there... it is a better life OUT of the house... 2 parents don't always equal a better life...

hang in there and tell more so I/we can help...

EnglishRose · Apr 13, 2007, 06:43 PM

I have read all your post now and all I can say to you is please get out. This man has no respect for you and I fear for your safety. Biting someone isn't even as spontaneous as slapping someone's face so it will not be a one off! Also, he has obviously affected your confidence hugely, this is abuse too! Your families reaction shocks me, but it isn't something I haven't heard before. What they are doing is abuse too, even if they don't realise what they are doing is so wrong.
You say leaving will hurt your children but I think staying will hurt them more. If they see him talk to you this way they will think this is OK. If they see your family not supporting you they may think you will never support them. Seeing you unhappy will affect them more than you realise. And what if he hurts them, or treats them this way? Could you live with that risk?
Please get help. Find a friend or family member who does understand and take your kids with you. His lies about him getting them because he earnsd more are wrong. A mother will always be favoured and he will only gain access to them if he can prove you can't look after them and Im sure you can. If it means leaving college, discuss taking time out with a lecturer, put your kids into school for a little while if you have to but find a way to support yourself without him.

robertsqueen · Apr 13, 2007, 06:50 PM

It is sad that your parents would condone you getting beat up. You have to do what's right for you and not what's right for them. You need to get out of the relatioship before you get hurt even worse... or end up being killed. This is not a good, loving man. I don't know what your parents even see in him.. they should want the best for you... GET OUT HUN before it becomes to late.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 13, 2007, 06:51 PM

You get hurt and bleeding you don't call the police within a hour of it happening and days latter ask if you should call the police.

And you keep going back and back and back. You let his lies control you, though threats and guilt.

You need to walk away and not come back, go to a shelter if your parents will not help be supportiave.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2007, 06:08 AM

Get out and document every attack with a police report. Your family means well but have no clue of what's really going on.

Lez · Apr 15, 2007, 06:33 AM

Originally Posted by teachermama3

Now that everyone knows my situation, I would also like to ask opinions on something else. My parents and siblings are well aware of my situation. When my husband would hurt me, I would go to my parents, bleeding , and they would bandage me or whatever. I would stay with them for a few days. During that time, I mentioned to my mother that I needed to press charges against my husband for hurting me. Her response was "two wrongs don't make a right." Every time I would have to come stay with them, they would tell me I needed to go back home. I had a good life growing up, I don't understand how on Earth they could feel this way. My sisters and my parents go on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how good he is to me, and how hard he works. All of this greatly adds to my confusion!!!!!! If I try to leave my husband, my mother quits talking to me-then I start doubting myself. I do not doubt that my mother loves me, but this just makes no sense. Also, the last time I tried to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. He disappeared for three days, saying that he was going to commit suicide. He ended up in a mental hospital for a month. My parents felt sorry for him-and told me that they were praying for my husband and I to be reunited. I went home. Ever since then, I have just given up. Thanks to all who answered my other posts, I hope I am not getting on anyone's nerves, but I really need help with this whole family issue.

Hi there.
First thing you need to think about is making you happy at the end of the day the one person that is always going to be there and that you can trust is yourself.
Do you want to leave him? Do you communicate well with each other in talking and not just about what you did that day but finding out each others pasts?
Does your husband come from a bad childhood and upbringing?
I know that whatever problems people have it don't give any reason for them to hurt others.
This is your life and you have one shot at it be more positive in yourself.
Have you tried marriage councling or getting your husband to go to councling?
I think sometimes when people have gone though certain things that's the only way they see them to be.

teachermama3 · Apr 15, 2007, 11:17 AM

My husband and I have tried counselling, he doesn't seem interested in sticking with anything and getting any help. He does come from a bad upbringing. His dad was abusive to his mother. I don't want my son to grow up and repeat this same cycle. I am so torn trying to decide what is best for my children.

manimuth · Apr 15, 2007, 11:27 AM

Hey teachermama,
I've read all your posts. I am so sorry that your family is not as supportive as they should be. I cannot understand when your husband's welfare and happiness became more important to them than you and your children's health and happiness. It will be very hard to do deal with all this without your family's backing but you must find the strength for yourself and your children. (Yes, as everyone said in your older thread, leaving is the best for your children.)

Everyone here is giving you the right advice and I agree, you should leave before you end up losing your life.

I hope you find the courage you need to face this hard time in your life. Seek help wherever you can get it. Cover yourself legally and financially. Make sure you can support yourself and your children. Look up women's shelters around your area where you and your children can stay if you need to.
I wish you all the best. :) :)

NowWhat · Apr 15, 2007, 12:22 PM

I read this post in shock. Utter SHOCK! I can not imagine calling my mother (or any member of my family) and telling her that my husband hit me and her saying stick it out.
They would be on the next plane out here and kill him (or hurt him)

I stick by my other posts - you need to leave him. For your benefit and your children's. I think you know in your heart that this situation is not going to get better and you know what you NEED to do. At this point, you need to listen to that little voice inside your head. If your parents and family think that your husband is such a great guy, let them come and live with him and get beat on.
I am so sorry that you are not getting support from the ones who should be supporting you the most. I hope you can take courage from us. You may not know us, but we care what is happening to you. And we support you and are praying for you.
Sister, you DESERVE BETTER.

Lez · Apr 15, 2007, 03:18 PM

If he can't help himself in getting things sorted how can things change. And sounds like you have tried everyway to make things work out but there's only so much trying you can do. Make you and your children happy and think of you.

teachermama3 · Apr 18, 2007, 09:17 PM

To respond to NowWhat's post- you don't know how much it kills me to know that my family feels the way they do. In my heart, I wanted my parents to jump to my defense. When they didn't, I felt worthless and unimportant. My mother and father are Christians, and so am I. According to my mother, you must forgive someone no matter what they do. This was her reasoning when she bandaged me up and sent me right back into hell. There have been so many nights that I slept with my car keys under my pillow, in case I had to grab the keys and flee in the middle of the night. There have been countless times when I was afraid to leave my food and drink unattended for fear that he would poison me. My mother and father have known for years- yet they look the other way. I didn't realize until now how much this has hurt me. For the fact that you said that everyone was supporting me and praying for me, you can not begin to imagine how much that means to me.