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    Angela54321's Avatar
    Angela54321 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 20, 2015, 03:27 PM
    I can't see a way out of this
    I'm so unhappy. I don't love my husband anymore. He is a good man but he gets annoyed easily and sulks. He has a short fuse with our eldest son who is in his 20's. He can be a bully unless you stand up to him.

    He lost his job two years ago and has only been able to get a few months work during that time. He is working on getting a permanent job but he refuses to discuss it with me as he said it's bad for his mindset. He said it doesn't matter how helpful or positive or encouraging I am, he just gets angry if I try to discuss it and if he gets nervous it's going to damage his confidence going for interviews.

    He won't allow me to discuss it with a friend because he's terrified of anyone finding out. He's always been controlling and he's worse now. He refuses to go for counselling. He seems cowardly to me.

    Recently my son left his retainer behind him in a café we went for a meal in. He left it wrapped in a tissue. My husband berated him for leaving it behind. Then my husband complained to me and told me to wait in the shop for him while he ran to the café to check. My husband came back 5 minutes later and said the table had been cleared and the waitress said it must have been thrown out so my husband just left without even asking the waitress to check.

    He then complained to me for 5 minutes about how stupid our son was to leave it behind and how it would cost hundreds to get a replacement retainer. I said we won't be able to get one till after Christmas and our son might have to wear braces again. My husband then said well I don't care, I'm not paying for them. I knew he didn't mean that. He was just venting but I'm sick of him complaining when something goes wrong and not being able to sort anything out anymore.

    I then ran around to the café and explained to the waitress how valuable and important the retainer was. She checked the bin and found it, still wrapped in the tissue. When I went back to my husband he was relieved but didn't even acknowledge that I had sorted it. Even my son, who can be quite wrapped up in himself, thanked me and said I had saved Christmas.

    My son told me that his friend said I was just as nice and friendly as his own Mom but that it was such a pity that my husband was so cold and formal. I knew this about my husband but it was a shock that a boy in his 20's would notice and comment on it. My son told me that his friends can relax around me but feel a bit tense around my husband.

    We went for counselling years ago and it helped but that was my husband at his best. Now he doesn't want to go. I still feel an attraction for him occasionally but most of the time I feel like more of a sister to him. I find it very difficult to respect him these days.

    He is still very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me but doesn't show me much affection and I know it would break him, especially now when he doesn't have a job, if I wanted to split up. My sons are still in college so I don't want to upset them. He also has a large family and I have sisters and I know they would all be devastated if we split up. I feel so trapped. I even told my husband that if he gets a job it's not going to magically fix everything.

    To be fair to him, he's trying hard to get a job. He's doing the grocery shopping, cooking for all of us and has now even started to clean the bathrooms and put on clothes washes. I should still love him but I just can't. It's gone.

    Now I've fallen for someone and I know he is attracted to me but he is a family friend and would never go behind my husband's back. Also he is much younger than me so we could never have a relationship as he deserves a proper family life and to have his own children some day. Not that he even wants a relationship with me. I'm sure he just wants to sleep with me if even that.

    I think if I could sleep with this younger man I could get him out of my system and maybe then I could work on my relationship with my husband. At the moment I'm obsessing about this younger man and I don't have the energy or will to work on my marriage. I think part of the reason I'm obsessing about this younger man is because lately he has been so kind to me and has even tried to help me with a project I've been working on. I have begged my husband to help me with this same project before but he said he didn't find the project interesting enough to help me.

    My husband is considered very handsome and can come across as confident and friendly but this younger man is actually very plain in appearance and is very shy and reserved but he is so kind and caring and has more compassion and maturity in his little finger than my husband and most other people I know. I'm much more attracted to a man's character now whereas when I met my husband years ago looks and being made a fuss over were all that mattered to me. I'm also very lonely and starved for affection.

    I know I don't come across well in this letter and I'm sorry about that but I'm trying to be honest and share all the facts. If I sacrifice myself at the altar of my husband I'll keep everyone happy but I will be miserable. If I split up with my husband and/or sleep with this younger man I might be happy but everyone will hate me and I'll still be miserable. Whichever way I turn I'm going to be hurt and possibly hurt other people too. Please tell me how I can be happy without turning everyone against me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,246, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    Dec 20, 2015, 03:53 PM
    I think you have been married long enough to know that you must be patient as you get through this rough patch in your marriage and stay within the boundaries of good behavior despite your very human feelings for another. Change your focus from your unemployed husband who is trying to the things you can do to help your family get through this.

    You know it will get better and you both have to keep hanging in there until it does. Maybe you could be a bit more grateful that things are NO WORSE because they could be. Would venting to a best friend you trust be helpful? I think so, and hubby doesn't have to know.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #3

    Dec 20, 2015, 05:14 PM
    It is so easy to find fault with your husband, until the reason becomes so clear.

    BUT, as it goes, you are attracted to a much younger man. Somehow this justifies you bashing your husband.

    I have zero respect for you for how you are thinking, and plotting, and planning to justify the end of your marriage. Your husband and your family should come first, yet you put a fling with a much younger man, right up there front and center.

    You should be ashamed of yourself, and get yourself into counseling before you insist anybody else needs help- i.e. your husband. Figure out what it is about you that isn't woman enough to put your husband and family first, and why you don't insist on finding ways to be helpful and grateful and encouraging without the attitude that surely shows, even though you didn't say it.

    Women like you really make me mad. Often your stories always start with how rotten the marriage has become, despite you being an angel, and he being responsible for all of it. Then the bit, 'BUT', when you introduce another man.

    I think your husband can do better.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #4

    Dec 21, 2015, 09:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Angela54321 View Post
    I know I don't come across well in this letter and I'm sorry about that but I'm trying to be honest and share all the facts. If I sacrifice myself at the altar of my husband I'll keep everyone happy but I will be miserable. If I split up with my husband and/or sleep with this younger man I might be happy but everyone will hate me and I'll still be miserable. Whichever way I turn I'm going to be hurt and possibly hurt other people too. Please tell me how I can be happy without turning everyone against me.
    Hi,

    You stay with your husband and support him. That entire in sickness and health, for rich or for poor, thing you agreed to a few decades ago. You're infatuated with this other man and you're trying your hardest to justify sleeping with him. It's honestly a midlife crisis if I ever heard one. Everything you're saying about your husband is coming out like a reason for you to jump into bed with this other person.

    Here are a few truths for you:
    1). You're the only one responsible for your happiness. Him getting a job will not make you happy. Him losing his job didn't make you miserable. Sleeping with this fella won't make you happy.
    2). Right now you're concentrating on the negatives. You're ignoring his positives. You're not painting the full picture here. You're skewing the picture to favour the choice that YOU want to make.
    3). In the end you are the one who is going to have to deal with the fallout of what you do.

    I don't think you've fully comprehended what your husband, i.e. the provider, is going through since he can't provide anymore. The hit to his masculinity and the hit to pride. Shake your head at it if you like but these are huge hits to his ego and he's trying to get back on the horse. He's trying to be useful especially when he can't provide for you. IE, shopping, cooking, cleaning.

    As suggested, you need therapy and I think you two as a couple need counseling.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #5

    Dec 21, 2015, 01:34 PM
    Are you changing vital facts again?
    3 months ago, your stepson and his male friend were in their 30s, and the friend made a somewhat hasty departure, yet asked to be friends with you on Facebook. Is he the one you want to sleep with?
    And your husband - in Sept he was your partner.
    I didn't go back further, but others said in Sept that you were repeating actions you had with a man from work?
    Could you please tell the truth? Yes, it matters.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Dec 21, 2015, 03:36 PM
    I see a way out of this.

    At least one Visit to a psychologist for evaluation and Counseling and maybe even intensive counselling for yourself. Based on what others have turned up from your previous posts. I see a problem with honesty and truthfulness at the very least. Possibly even having trouble with reality vs. fantasy.

    Is that harsh? Yeah. But I think you have it coming and you need to face it before you irreversibly destroy your life.

    If I was your husband... I'd have divorced you already. And I would have taken the kids too.

    I've met a few people like this in my life so far....I distance myself from them as much as possible.
    Angela54321's Avatar
    Angela54321 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Dec 22, 2015, 03:44 PM
    My stepson and his male friend are still in their 30's and yes, my stepson's friend did want a relationship with me but accepted it when I told him it wasn't happening. In other posts I did call my husband my partner. Freudian slip maybe as I've been falling out of love with him for a couple of years. The man I'm attracted to is not my stepson's friend. He is someone we have known for years. He is about 15 years younger than me. I'm sorry if I don't give all the facts when I ask advice or even change some. It's hard to bare all when seeking advice from strangers. I did bare all in this letter and I do realise that there is a badness in me. I wasn't always like this. I do feel very lost and lonely and maybe that's why I'm latching on to someone.

    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    Are you changing vital facts again?
    3 months ago, your stepson and his male friend were in their 30s, and the friend made a somewhat hasty departure, yet asked to be friends with you on Facebook. Is he the one you want to sleep with?
    And your husband - in Sept he was your partner.
    I didn't go back further, but others said in Sept that you were repeating actions you had with a man from work?
    Could you please tell the truth? Yes, it matters.
    I was trying to reply to you Joypuly and I think it went to Smoothy.

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I think you have been married long enough to know that you must be patient as you get through this rough patch in your marriage and stay within the boundaries of good behavior despite your very human feelings for another. Change your focus from your unemployed husband who is trying to the things you can do to help your family get through this.

    You know it will get better and you both have to keep hanging in there until it does. Maybe you could be a bit more grateful that things are NO WORSE because they could be. Would venting to a best friend you trust be helpful? I think so, and hubby doesn't have to know.
    [ANSWER] I have recently spoken to a friend and it did relieve the pressure a bit. I've been trying not to talk about it outside for 2 years. Thanks for the advice.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,246, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Dec 23, 2015, 05:20 AM
    I am sure you can find better ways of finding happiness than having an affair with a family friend. Until you get control of your lust then I advise avoiding this friend, and get about some healthy ways to entertain yourself, and vent your frustration with your situation.

    How much contact do you have with this guy anyway that he has you in such a dither (A nice way of saying feeling like an immature school girl)? While as I said before there is nothing wrong with having strong feelings of attraction for others in most any circumstance, how you deal with your feelings is what's important. It's very simple really... don't cross the boundaries of good behavior!

    LEARN how to make yourself happy without disrespecting your partner, and above all LEARN how to express yourself respectfully to your partner! I think you have allowed your feelings to fester far to long, and it's causing a lot of dishonesty and unfairness in your relationship. I think once you let go of those fantasies and fancies, you may have a better chance to deal with reality in a healthier way.

    If you do not then your fantasy world will cause your reality to be out of control (I suspect that's happened already), and your impulses will drive you NUTSY BOZO, and take the happiness you seek further away. There is no reason for you to act like a bored housewife with nothing better to do than seek easy cheap thrills, even if that's where you are at this time in your life.

    You can do better if you want to. Need some guidance? Exactly how old are you?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #9

    Dec 23, 2015, 06:30 AM
    I reread ALL your past posts carefully, and there are so many discrepancies that I don't see how you can talk your way out of them.
    -- The seemingly trivial matter of marriage: You go on at length in Sept about how you are in a relationship and how neither of you believe in marriage. FREUDIAN SLIP? NOPE.
    -- Sons or stepsons. They aren't stepsons if you aren't married.
    -- 20s or 30s. Oh 30s, you say now, but 3 months ago they were both in college. 30+ son wearing a retainer, acting like a careless child about it, going to college, living at home, all doesn't add up. Fudging details a bit because they might see this is a very weak excuse.

    NOTHING adds up.

    In the common theme of all your posts I see an illness. A handsome coworker, a son or stepson's friend, and now this 'friend we have known for years' all might be or are interested in you beyond just friendship. I'm not even buying your statement that this 3rd man isn't the friend of the son who had lived with you and left abruptly.

    I worry that you really are living in a pervasive fantasy that is hurting you and others around you.

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