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laura19989 · May 30, 2015, 01:12 AM

I've been in a relationship for 1 year 2 months now, and I really love my boyfriend and I can't live without him, but there's this guy I know for like 4 years, there's always tension between us, we don't really talk but when I see him my heart starts beating so fast. I saw him yesterday and I couldn't stop thinking about him till now. I feel like crying because I don't know if he feels the same and I don't want to end up things with my boyfriend. What should I do?

talaniman · May 30, 2015, 05:08 AM

You should do nothing but stay within the boundaries of good behavior since you are in a committed relationship, and have no wish to end things. It's a very natural thing for humans to be attracted to others and we have no control over having those feelings. However we can control what we do about them, so you can enjoy the fantasy and keep it a fantasy, or behave badly and destroy your relationship.

Keep the relationship as the priority wherever that leads, and don't even be distracted by a fantasy, or the feelings that the fantasy brings you. It is much easier to deal with the conflicts of our own feelings when we stay focused on what's real, and not dwell on what's not.

How old are you? Be aware that we all have these nagging intense feelings we must deal with all the time, and now is the time you LEARN how to manage and deal with your own, and not be lead down a bad path just because of intense feelings that confuse you.

Best enjoy your relationship while it lasts, and see where it goes and if it grows, and stay on a path of good orderly direction as happiness cannot come from fantasy, but from the choices and decisions we make that shape our lives. So ask yourself, what does your dignity and self respect dictate what you should do about this situation? Then you act accordingly.

What's obvious is you have known this fellow 4 years and still have chosen to be with this other fellow for a year. So let the feelings for the other guy fade and deal with the very real relationship you are in now. Figure out why you cry over this, and deal with it, and live your life with NO guilt, shame, or regrets. Maybe you worry where this relationship is going, or if it's going where you want it to, and it's human to wonder what if, and see other possibilities. Maybe you are not ready for a deeper commitment because you think you have missed something, I don't know, but only YOU can decide where your head is at. You seem to have a choice to make about what to do next.

Make your decisions thoughtfully and wisely based on FACTS, and not just strong feelings. There are always consequences and blessing for the path we chose to take.

Good Luck.

laura19989 · May 31, 2015, 12:09 PM

I am so jealous and posessive and my boyfriend doesn't like it , but he is sometimes too . We keep on fighting because of this . Please can someone help ? What should I do ? We got into a really big fight two days ago and we're not talking since..

talaniman · May 31, 2015, 01:05 PM

Your threads were merged to keep facts in the same place.

Your latest post explains your roving feelings, conflict will do that with any couple, but I have to ask what you both are jealous and possessive about?

What's the baggage (from past relationships/life experiences) you BOTH bring that makes you BOTH this way, and why can you not resolve your issues by discussing instead of arguing? You think you have reached the point where its time to talk and compromise instead of react out of anger, fear, and frustration?

For sure you cannot change/control him, but you can change/control yourself. Is that worth a try? Why are you both trying to control each other? Yes jealous and possessive is a sign of control, and deep rooted FEAR, insecurity, or SELFISHNESS!

Pin it down for me please, with some background into this relationship.

Do you live together? How long? Both work? How old are you both?

Oliver2011 · May 31, 2015, 02:05 PM

I'm guessing not out of high school.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2015, 06:45 PM

How old are the two of you?
From your previous post it sounds like your boyfriend may have a reason to be a bit insecure about the relationship and you don't know where you are either.

Jake2008 · May 31, 2015, 06:47 PM

" I really love my boyfriend and I can't live without him, but there's this guy I know for like 4 years....."

The grass is not always greener as you should know by now. Your statement seems to imply that while you love your boyfriend and can't live without him, there are problems, that because they exist, have you thinking that perhaps that grass really is greener on the other side.

It is not a good idea, for many reasons, to begin to even entertain another relationship, until you are not in an existing relationship. That means you have to end one relationship, heal and allow time to recover from it, before you think about a new relationship. Otherwise, you carry baggage, guilt, doubt, etc. into the new relationship, and that is not fair to the new person, or to yourself.

And, while you are thinking about another male, you are not being fair to your existing relationship. You can't give everything you have to this boyfriend that you say you love, while you are thinking of someone else.

Decisions are hard to make, but, make them you must. Decide what you want to do. If you decide to stay, then work hard at solving the problems that exist, don't run off into a new boyfriend's arms, thinking that will solve your problems. Finish with one, before you start another.

It is the respectable, considerate, and honest thing to do.

CravenMorhead · Jun 1, 2015, 07:31 AM

I need to echo the age question because this is really starting to sound like an after school special.

Some basic facts. Jealously usually exists because the jealous partner doesn't trust their partner. If you're partner is a known cheater, then you're going to be leery and jealous of anyone who speaks to them because you don't know if they're going to cheat on you. If you're not secure and cannot trust your partner you're always going to suspicious of them.

Second, which builds on the above, when you're with someone you're with them. You've bought (leased? Rented? Are on a 30 day no hassle trail?) the cow. You can look at the other heifers, there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to put down your bidding paddle. You're allow to feel everything you are feeling, but you need to reason them. You need to know what they are, what they mean, and what actions you should take on them. It isn't unusual to crush on someone when you're already in a relationship, but when you do you have to realize that you can take NO action on them. This is provided that you're not in a poly or open relationship.

You don't trust your boyfriend and he doesn't trust you. Why is this?