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    Fredab's Avatar
    Fredab Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 24, 2015, 06:50 AM
    Long distance problems... Its too hard.
    I need an answer! I am about to lose my sanity..


    I will try to make my email as short as possible.

    Back in 2000 I met this guy in college (both were 19 at that time) - and virgins. Now we both are 34 and I still did not lose my virginity as I want to save myself for my husband and obey God. When we both were 22 he moved to US with his mom and I stayed in Asia.
    I really love that guy-basically I knew him all my life- we remained friends and he would visit here occasionally- He was last here September 2014. I care so much about him and would do anything for him. He knows how I feel about him and he also told me he loves me.
    I was in the USA three months ago for a week (business) and he came from a different state to see me. We spent the weekend together, we never had sex and that is exactly what I want. But we got intimate and he gave me oral (saying I was a good girl for too long) however he refused I do the same for him (that weekend was our first intimate experience together and my first experience to any sort of intimacy! I was never this close and naked with another guy ever before!! ). I am grateful we did not have sex and he fully respected my choice- no pressure at all. He said that he did not want to have sex because he loves me and does not want to hurt me and that he respects me a lot. Since then I went back home and since our weekend together he drifted apart and barely talks to me. He never replies to me texts like he used to or answers my call. It was his idea to come and see me that weekend, I had not asked him to come. I am confused why he came and got that close to me, I feel guilty and hurt. That weekend when I was lying next to him after our physical activity I whispered ĎI need youí that was how I exactly felt. He got mad, and said I donít need a guy like him!

    He told me he is not 100% committed to me- I mean we are in a very long distance relationship and it too hard for him. It breaks my heart that I donít even consider seeing anyone, I just sit and wait for him- he knows all that and he calls me his angel. He did mention to me that between (Sept. and Feb) he slept with some girls- and feels guilty, he told me that I am pure and he is sleeping around. I asked him to stop, he said itís hard for him because we are not doing it and that the space between us is long. But during our weekend last March, I asked him if he loves anyone, he said no. he told me he loves me and that he feels bad for what he does while we are apart.

    He says I am perfect and I am an angel. I even remind him of his late mom. He tells me he sees his mom in me. After the weekend he ask me to find a job in his state and be his 'roommate'. I disagreed to be his roommate or move in with him, because I will be too weak and I want to be a virgin. I know I sound lame, But I waited this long and don't want to have any sexual activities before I get married. I feel pressure sometimes, but I keep holding myself.

    Sometimes he says he loves me and misses me. But then once he told me that this may not work because I deserve someone better then him! I am a good home maker and he always finds me neat. He complements all that and my MBA degree and what I do at work and my work out routines and how I am so smart and good with money etc etc. he also says that I am perfect and beautiful and after all these complements he says that once I live with him and know him better I will hate him and won't love him anymore. He always talks sweet to me, I know he means it but always ends up his sweet talk by what a girl like you doing with a guy like me. I get so mad at him when he says that and ask him to stop. He does, we hug and I always tell him 'I need you' because for me its deeper then 'I love u' he fumes mad and says I don't need a guy like him and I am better off without him. So really I do not know what he wants. He always tell me I know him too well and that he can talk to me about anything because I have never judged him in my life, not even once. Its very true, because I honor him and respect him.

    I need to tell you few things about him. I hate to disclose any private info because I honor him and hate it if people will judge him. He has been living in a damaged family, he grew up with problems between his parents. He lost his mom to cancer about 10 years ago (he was about 23 at that time). He never got over that and he still has problems with his dad, they never spoke since his mom died. When he was 19 he ran away with his mom and sister from his dad and live in a different country.

    Please I need your help. I love him and only want him to be happy. I tried to call him last week and he did not answer my phone. I texted him last night he too did not reply.

    He has a good job, he is an engineer stable job. I am an aeronautical engineer with MBA for a very big company.

    I knew him all my life. I am true to him, I know I would do anything for him. Sometimes, I think I just don't love him because he is mean when he drifts and other days, I miss him too much it kills me. I wake up at night and cry. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is my first love.

    I am so confused and do not understand why he ignores me this hard? Was that weekend such a turn off for him- although it was fun and exciting (this is what he also texted me when he arrived to his place). I regret it so bad and I blame myself for letting him near me like that. I fear God will punish me- I am serious. I cry so hard at night, every night till I fall asleep- one time I taught I was going to faint.


    What can I do?


    Hurt and confused.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert
     
    #2

    May 24, 2015, 07:32 AM
    You have to let go and move on. Yes, I realize it will be difficult but to waste your life away waiting for someone that is obviously not as committed as you are...well, you will look back on this at the end of your life and wonder why you waited and waited and passed up others for this guy who doesn't care.

    You will need to find a way to let go. There is someone else out there for you but you will not find them if you are hanging on to hopes and dreams that will never become reality.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #3

    May 24, 2015, 07:49 AM
    You are 'too perfect' for him. Plus, he has turned you into his mother. And third, he is right about you would not like him after you found out more about him. He is too conflicted about what he wants in a woman. It may be understandable, but it's not excusable.

    And YOU! Stop wasting your young years waiting for him. At the very least go on some ice cream and a stroll dates on a Saturday afternoon. You have a lot of time to make up for but it's OK to take it slowly so that you don't end up in the same trap he put himself in.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #4

    May 24, 2015, 08:00 AM
    You have run yourself right into a rabbit hole and you are attaching too much drama to him and he is not really worth your time. Your agony has gone on too long and if you are Asian I am surprised !
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #5

    May 24, 2015, 08:42 AM
    He told me he is not 100% committed to me- I mean we are in a very long distance relationship and it too hard for him.
    His actions over the decades have proven the truth in his words, so its time to stop waiting for him and cut all contact and ties. Sorry to say, you have waited for nothing, because there seems to have been NO PLAN between you both that even comes close to a healthy commitment by him at all. Visits, and waiting for how many years? No discussion of being together in the same place as man and wife?

    Most would have given up years ago, and pursued a healthy life, with a promising future, without this FALSE HOPE, and after a proper healing, so should you now. I think that's what he has really been telling you for years now. Maybe it's time to listen, and heed his warnings. He simply doesn't want a wife, just a live in girlfriend. You are not what he wants, and no longer wishes to keep feeding you hope that it will happen so he has cut contact with you, so respect and accept it by leaving him alone, and building a happy life for yourself without him.

    It can and must be done. That's just the reality of your situation. Hurt's I know, and not a easy thing to do by any means, and you are entitled to mourn before you heal. I am sorry for your deep loss, and wish you the best, and hope you find the faith in yourself to move beyond this disaster.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    May 24, 2015, 09:22 AM
    You are 34. If you and he were in love, that weekend, why did you not go right back to live with him and marry. I am sorry, you have 12 years of nothing from him.

    Not knowing what part of Asia, but here in China 34, there is not going to be a lot of good single men left. Most of what you find will be divorced or with a list of issues.
    It is time to start having some realistic ideas and move on, or you will be a 54 year old virgin before you know it.
    Fredab's Avatar
    Fredab Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    May 24, 2015, 09:55 AM
    Hi Odinn7Thank you for your reply. I think I added that pressure on my own self, because put up so many walls for other guys and I am stuck.reading all the comments made me realize that all long I must have been his Plan B. The sweet girl back home.How do I move on>

    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    You are 'too perfect' for him. Plus, he has turned you into his mother. And third, he is right about you would not like him after you found out more about him. He is too conflicted about what he wants in a woman. It may be understandable, but it's not excusable.

    And YOU! Stop wasting your young years waiting for him. At the very least go on some ice cream and a stroll dates on a Saturday afternoon. You have a lot of time to make up for but it's OK to take it slowly so that you don't end up in the same trap he put himself in.
    Thanks Joy for your reply!
    I am really sad and feel the urgency to confront him and get it all out.
    Why is like this? There must be something wrong with me? I am not good enough? I might not be his style.. But why won't he just talk to me about it like adults.. I always beat myself with these questions.. I wish you can have an answer..

    Quote Originally Posted by tickle View Post
    You have run yourself right into a rabbit hole and you are attaching too much drama to him and he is not really worth your time. Your agony has gone on too long and if you are Asian I am surprised !

    LOL tickle, yes I am Asian. From China and so is he.. what can I say. :)
    Fredab's Avatar
    Fredab Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    May 24, 2015, 10:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    His actions over the decades have proven the truth in his words, so its time to stop waiting for him and cut all contact and ties. Sorry to say, you have waited for nothing, because there seems to have been NO PLAN between you both that even comes close to a healthy commitment by him at all. Visits, and waiting for how many years? No discussion of being together in the same place as man and wife?

    Most would have given up years ago, and pursued a healthy life, with a promising future, without this FALSE HOPE, and after a proper healing, so should you now. I think that's what he has really been telling you for years now. Maybe it's time to listen, and heed his warnings. He simply doesn't want a wife, just a live in girlfriend. You are not what he wants, and no longer wishes to keep feeding you hope that it will happen so he has cut contact with you, so respect and accept it by leaving him alone, and building a happy life for yourself without him.

    It can and must be done. That's just the reality of your situation. Hurt's I know, and not a easy thing to do by any means, and you are entitled to mourn before you heal. I am sorry for your deep loss, and wish you the best, and hope you find the faith in yourself to move beyond this disaster.

    First and foremost, Thank you for your honesty and taking the time to send me all these details. All what you mentioned was in the back of my mind and I foolishly kept ignoring them! I really want to confront him. I cant sleep at night, why did he come to see me and act like that was a honeymoon weekend? I promise you I did not ask him to come. He volunteered to come.Was he using you? Or wants to know how this will taste. So when it was bad, he just had to spit me! Do not get me wrong.. I cried reading your reply.. your answer is a wake up call for me. But my character is as such that I want to walk out but after I tell him how I feel... because he might be doing it to others too and I trust God that what goes around comes around. Please honest answer, confront or just delete his contact details?

    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    You are 34. If you and he were in love, that weekend, why did you not go right back to live with him and marry. I am sorry, you have 12 years of nothing from him.

    Not knowing what part of Asia, but here in China 34, there is not going to be a lot of good single men left. Most of what you find will be divorced or with a list of issues.
    It is time to start having some realistic ideas and move on, or you will be a 54 year old virgin before you know it.

    Yeah chuck, China. Anyway, I just hate to turn to the next guy and use him as a tool to forget this one! I am not that kind plus its not fair!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #9

    May 24, 2015, 10:28 AM
    Please honest answer, confront or just delete his contact details?

    Just delete his contact details! Acceptance IS closure, and he was only 50% responsible for this debacle. You must own up to your part of it, and learn from this.

    Was it not you who decided to wait for years? No doubt you listened to the sweet words and ignored his actions. I sympathize your anger over this, but after the first few years(?) you really had enough facts to squash those feelings. Anger, and resentment is dealt with in the mourning/grieving process that leads to healing. While you cannot deny your anger, you can vent it in an appropriate way, like a letter, or journal, just for your eyes only, and when you are ready, burn it to let all those feelings go, unsent.

    Realize the hurt, and be good to yourself and be patient with yourself as you FINALLY let go of the past, and look to the future. It's a rather long process you face, but you don't have to hurt yourself more over this. Nor hurt others.
    Fredab's Avatar
    Fredab Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    May 24, 2015, 11:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Nor hurt others.
    Just deleted his contacts.
    I will never get in touch with him again. I will do my best to stay strong and focus on my career.

    Deep down inside I never want to hurt him or intend to disrespect him when I mentioned that I want to give him a piece of my mind. My intention is just to get answers. I think you put it in a good way letting go IS closure!
    Thanks,
    Good night,

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