[Joann Vasquez]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months, but known each other since Elementary. Went to the same Elementary, Middle School and Hight School. We even lived in the same neighborhood. We got together now that we're in our early 30s.
Everything was okay until many of our mutual friends on Facebook started to message me, asking why was my boyfriend adding so many women. In one day he added 223 females. I was so upset, him and I share the same laptop, and I saw that he had sent a message to two females. One message said " Hi lil mama can we be friends ". The other message was to a old friend of his and he told her to let him know when she was going jogging, so he could go with her.
I also found out that he's the one sending the friend requests to all the women he has on his friends list.
Im not sure if I'm making a big deal about it, I just think its very disrespectful, and hurtful. Especially after asking him numerous times to stop but doesn't. What should I do.

[CravenMorhead]

Instead of asking him to stop you should be asking why he is doing that. Do you know why his past girlfriends broke up with him? In the end you need to talk with him about this, how you're feeling, and maybe do a evaluation of your relationship with him. That is the only solution that will help here. Be careful that you talk with him and not just at him. Chastising him like you would a unruly child won't help anything. Also realize that he's probably been doing this for many, many years so he's not going to want to stop, and there might not need to be any reason to stop.

My impressions are two fold. First is that this is reasonably innocent, and there is a reason that he's doing this, a bet with a friends about who can get the most women on their feeds. Could also just him being him and while he's with you and invested in your, he will still window shop. This makes you uncomfortable and he needs to know this. If you're expecting him to pick up on this, you're just going to get frustrated and hurt.

My second impression, and this is why I was curious why his previous relationships ended, is that he's a cheater and he is trying to, in the least intelligent and clever way possible, to find hook ups. It sounds like he is trying to find other women for relations, whether it is just physical or more so is hard to say. It does raise red flags.

The last thing I am going to comment on is snooping. When you have a idea or suspicion in mind and you look for it then you will find it regardless if it is actually there. You will take what could be him wanting a exercise partner to mean he is getting his rocks off in the park with some cheap tramp. IT also speaks to a lack of trust of him. When you get this suspicious it usually means that you'ver made up your mind and that now you're just looking for proof. This will lead you to pushing him away until things end.

He might be a old school friend, but people change and often people aren't what they seem. You're only 9 months in and the honeymoon period is wearing off. You need to figure out if this is the type of relationship you can live with for the rest of your days. If it isn't, and chances are he won't change, then it is a good time to get out.

Good luck.

[Joann Vasquez]

What me curious was that many of our friends were sending me messages asking why was he doing what he was doing, and it didn't look right and was a total lack of respect. I tried talking to him but the conversation would always end with him getting very angry. Even his mother thinks its wrong of him. In his past relationships all ended with the ex girlfriend cheating on him.

[smoothy]

Um... this is going to sound blunt. But you are only a girlfriend and only one of 9 months at that. You speak of Respect... yet respect is earned, its not an entitlement, you don't appear to be showing very much on your part. And at 9 months as just a girlfriend you really don't have the right to be making all of these demands.

First... facebook isn't the place one goes for hookups. There are lot of websites designed for that. A lot of people view high friends numbers as being popular... I have a lot of female "friends" on my Facebook. Nothings happening with any of them.

Sounds to me like you aren't talking but imposing a lot of demands on him. Most men would be getting angry. So would women if their guy was doing it.

[Joann Vasquez]

I understand what your trying to say, Im not going to let it bother me. I was just trying to see other people's opinion about this. I did get hurt but I guess its just me.

[talaniman]

I don't know either of you, and won't say who is right or wrong here, since no doubt a lot is left out of this question, but it's obvious that the honeymoon is over, and the work has begun, and your first order of BUSINESS is learn to talk to each other and resolve things between you that are bound to pop up, AND keep others out of your business! YOUR friends, his mama, doesn't matter.

Ask him how would he feel if you were doing what he is doing. LISTEN carefully to his answer!

I mean it's no wonder if he treated his exes as he is treating you, that he was cheated on, and the relationship failed. If you cannot learn to express yourself to each other, then this experiment is over anyway.

That's just Problem Solving 101 in a relationship. COMMUNICATIONS! How else can a couple define themselves, the relationship, resolve issues, and set boundaries of good behavior?

Get FACTS, and don't just act on FEELINGS. ​I wonder WHY he gets angry when you ask about his actions?

I tried talking to him but the conversation would always end with him getting very angry

HMMM!

[Joann Vasquez]

He was very upset when I made a Facebook account. I even deleted my account just so he'd stop arguing with me. I try talking to him but it doesn't get anywhere because he just gets angry and shuts down.

[talaniman]

He was very upset when I made a Facebook account. I even deleted my account just so he'd stop arguing with me. I try talking to him but it doesn't get anywhere because he just gets angry and shuts down.

What?? Not to be harsh but the time for someone to LEAVE was when the shutdown started! Whose lives with whom?

[Joann Vasquez]

We share a place together.

[talaniman]

It's pretty obvious he won't stop his social networking, but you are not allowed the same thing he enjoys, which hardly seems fair. So why do you allow it? What else do you allow that many would not think fair?

[CravenMorhead]

AT this point I would be heading for the door. I see a lot of controlling and manipulation red flags that could develop into something REALLY serious. There are better people out there. He has issues he needs to deal with and he isn't. I am not sure that he has even identified them as issues.

This isn't a way to run a relationship.

[DoulaLC]

He's manipulating the situation by his angry/shut down act. Is that his usual way of handling conflict or situations that make him uncomfortable? If so, you'll need to decide if you want to keep walking on egg shells through this relationship.

What reason did he give you for not wanting you to have a Facebook account? I think 9 months, and living together, is plenty of time to be expecting certain behaviors from each other. If you don't feel communication is an option , then you either learn to accept things as they are, or consider moving on. You'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

[Jake2008]

In a way, you have known him a good part of your life, but the relationship side of him, is not working out. He may have been friend material all these years, but he does not sound like relationship material.

Please consider your options, particularly the knowledge that you cannot change a person. To think he may stop the Facebook thing, doesn't stop the behavior behind it. As well, with you having your own Facebook. You caved and removed your Facebook at his insistence, but that does not change the behavior behind him doing that in the first place.

Think long and hard about what kind of future you have with him. And as Ann Landers used to say, are you better off with him, or without him.

[Fr_Chuck]

I guess one question, it appears he, and your friends, stay on Facebook, way too much, is there no work, social life, home activities ?

And why would your friends, be watching, what your boyfriend is doing?

[spicywings]

If he requested that you shut down your Facebook account, that sounds manipulative and selfish. He is allowed the freedom to do things but you can't? And you actually shut it down for him? If so, why would you do that? If anything, he sounds childish. I won't say he's cheating or what his intent may be... 223 girls in a day seems extreme though. I have a business Facebook account and can't even get 1/3 of those people in a day!

"Hi lil mama can we be friends.... He was very upset when I made a Facebook account. I even deleted my account just so he'd stop arguing with me. I try talking to him but it doesn't get anywhere because he just gets angry and shuts down." He sounds like he's 17 honestly. I was surprised when you said you were both in your 30s.

Regardless, based on what you have told us, he doesn't sound very mature or like he's relationship material.

[Alty]

He sounds very controlling, do what I say, not what I do. He can have a Facebook account, and add hundreds of women as friends in a day, but you have to shut yours down? What next? Can you go to the bathroom without asking for permission? Can you call your family and friends without him being upset.

I'd run and run fast.

He doesn't want you questioning his very questionable actions, and then you shut down your Facebook because he has a fit about it? He's an a$$! Based on what you've written, that's my opinion. You need to move on, find someone that respects you, and respects your rights! This guy obviously doesn't. He's not boyfriend material, for anyone!