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    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #1

    May 6, 2015, 04:26 PM
    Be the bigger person and ask him to least talk, or just accept it and move on?
    Hello everyone,
    I'm going to try to condense this but I TRULY would love your insight on this situation.
    2 yr relationship. Both divorced w/ kids. I have mine 98% of the time. He has his 50+% of the time. We both have a hectic life/work schedule. Quality alone time is limited.

    7 months in, he bought a house in an area that I don't care for. He knew that because he asked my opinion while looking for homes. My kids go to a great school. His kid goes to a great school based on the moms address. He bought a NICE house in a VERY BAD school district.

    AFTER he bought it, he asked me to move in. I said no because of the school district. Plus one of my kids receives excellent special education at our current school. He never asked to move in w/ me & never spoke about us living together until AFTER he bought the house.

    Tensions have soared. He feels we can only spend more time together as a couple if we live together but because he has bought the house (can't sell it either because of the market), he has been depressed about it.

    He casually told me he looked for rings last year. I said while I'm excited, we should hold off until the housing situation could be remedied. Why? I know neither of us wants to be engaged and living apart long-term ... but I can't live where he is b/c of the school system. His daughter is at a top tier blue-ribbon school b/c of where the mom lives. He even admitted later that he didn't think about the school district at the time b/c his daughter was "taken care of". I love this man dearly. Willing to work through issues... but I stood my ground when it came to my kids priorities and education.

    We vowed to stay together and figure a way to make it work.

    Fast forward to this year, an argument BLEW UP.

    Update: He was suppose to be at my one of my daughters surgery in late March. For months before, he promised her/me that he'd be there. We didn't have a date b/c of pre-op appts until last minute. When I told him the date, he asked if we could go out of town with he and his daughter for spring break (3 states away).... i said.. um, she'll be in surgery the day before... No. He goes, ok... well, no problem. I figured it would be "no" but btw, I won't be able to make the surgery. I was LIVID. That weekend when they came back, he asked if he and daughter could come by and bring her a card and chocolate. I said..SHE'D LOVE THAT... three times that weekend, he cancelled. One time, he even said we're on the way but he was waiting of his daughter to finish in the bathroom. Finally, he said...I can't convince DD to go... I was FLOORED. Then he later claimed it was because she must have come down with something from the spring break trip and wasn't feeling well. WTH? My daughter took it SO FREAKING hard.

    So I asked him about this... a week later... took me a minute to cool off and had to focus on my girls and work. (I work for myself and work is crazy). So I asked about these circumstances and he went left field with the conversation and instead of answering, he broke it off because he claims I didn't want an engagement & won't move in with him. He also said... I'm not a priority in his life. I can't give him what he wants. It has gotten ugly. He's blocked me & said good luck. No contact for a month. I'm shocked by his coldness. Kids are involved & 2 years ends like this? Be a bigger person & reach out at least to talk or say COMPLETELY SCREW IT and just forget him?

    Thank you for reading...
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #2

    May 6, 2015, 05:01 PM
    Has he ever provided his reasoning for buying the house in the first place? Perhaps he assumed that you would just get over whatever concerns you had with the area/school district, but obviously he would have assumed incorrectly.

    You are a package deal with your children. If he was that serious about your relationship, he should have taken into account what would be best for them, which most definitely includes their education.

    He knows how you feel, so I would just give him space and time. Maybe he will cool off, and things will be remedied, but I would take this opportunity to reevaluate his demeanor and how he handles disappointment, frustration, and arguments. What you conclude might help you decide whether to reach out, or to leave it be and move on.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #3

    May 6, 2015, 05:20 PM
    House issue? There seems to be more at play here than just a house. That or you two have dug your heals into the ground and are too stubborn to work through this. First off who buys a house in a committed relationship without the other knowing? I agree he can't sell the house until he's had it at least 2 years. And you don't want rings until the "house issue" is settled. Well if my math is correct (2 year relationship / 7 month in house purchase / carry the one and divide by Pi) you've had this situation for 13 months.

    Either you two or one of you doesn't want to be together permanently or you two or one of you refuses to compromise. But 13 months? I'm conflustered (confused + flustered)!
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #4

    May 6, 2015, 06:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DoulaLC View Post
    Has he ever provided his reasoning for buying the house in the first place? .
    I asked him about the house and why he purchased it... especially seeing as how I had JUST helped him move into a rental townhouse 5 months prior. He CLAIMED he rushed to get a house in that short period because his ex was missing payments on a house that was partially in his name. So he RUSHED to go out and buy property in case his credit was ruined by her actions and he'd be stuck renting forever.

    Initially, he said the house was for him and his daughter (he has her 1/2 the time) but AFTER he purchased the house, he later "claimed" that he was hoping we'd all be able to live together down the road (hence a 3 bedroom versus 2). Still, it never made sense to be because... well.. HELLO... shouldn't I be involved in that decision/process?

    I have noticed (during this reflection process) that he seems to have a lot of anxiety and does things abruptly (house purchase, buying a Harley after the house, even though he claimed he was strapped for cash because of the house), etc... You are correct... that I need to take into consideration how he deals with frustration. He has pushed for us to live together off and on since he moved into the house last year. He has asked neighbors to speak to me, suggested I speak to the principle of the nearby schools but I'll be honest, I couldn't see it... The schools are HORRIBLE. 2/3 out of 10's, 42% of students don't speak English well, crime rate is bad in the area (we are outside of Chicago). I felt slighted to be honest, when he bought the house and THEN asked me to move in. Quality time has been the biggest issue but of course, that's all a moot point now because of the house issue. I can't just uproot my kids from a great neighborhood/school and he can't sell the house but he's been so full of anxiety over us not seeing each other as much as he wants...
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #5

    May 6, 2015, 06:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    House issue? There seems to be more at play here than just a house. That or you two have dug your heals into the ground and are too stubborn to work through this.
    I think we can both be stubborn. I've certainly compromised a lot to be with him. Every 2nd/4th weekend, I'm at his house, rain or shine to spend alone time with him after my kids go to their dad. Every 1st/3rd weekend, we are there at his house spending the night 50% of the time. 50+% of every Wednesday, I cooked a home cook meal at my house so we could all have dinner together through the week and touch basis but still, if I didn't answer texts in a timely fashion, didn't call enough, didn't answer enough, didn't involve him on projects, I was in the wrong.

    Yes, he bought that house abruptly if you ask me. Did I feel slighted? Absolutely. But we were 7 months in at that point. He never asked me to live with him until a few months AFTER he bought the house. I was shocked because... well.. he didn't know he'd like me to move in when he asked me to help him look for homes? The house was supposedly purchased for he and his daughter. But he tried to make me feel bad AFTER the fact by saying he wouldn't have bought a 3 bedroom if he didn't think we'd all eventually live together...

    How can I uproot my kids from an excellent school district and neighborhood to move to a place where the crime is more substantial and the school district SUCKS (to put it plainly). He ADMITTED that he wasn't thinking about the school when he bought it because he relied on his ex-wife's address so DD could attend a top 10 blue ribbon school. So when he (months later) asked me to move in, I felt angered... why move my kids from a 10 school to go to a 3... so if this part makes me stubborn, then I suppose I am.

    But I wasn't trying to break up with him. I figured... we are both in our 40s. No one wants more kids. I loved him, shortcomings and all and figured we'd eventually figure it out... albeit, he eventually sells, he can rent it out until the market gets better, etc. The reason I bring up the house the way I do is because the BIGGER issue is that he wanted more time. He wanted me living with him. He couldn't "deal" with not seeing me or being distant BUT we can't live together b/c of the house and living together was really the only way we could technically see each other the way he wanted (considering we both have kids and a life).
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #6

    May 6, 2015, 06:23 PM
    Well now. It does sound like there might have been huge communication issues from the beginning. Honestly I can't imagine these issues if there's honest and open communication. Someone if not both were holding back. But letting the house issue linger for 13 months was not good.

    It's been a month. You won't bend on your house in the bad neighborhood issue. Maybe it's time to move on.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #7

    May 6, 2015, 06:26 PM
    An impulsive, selfish man, who puts his needs before the needs of his partner, and puts his needs ahead of those of his children, doesn't impress me one bit.

    He has caused his own consequences, and nothing he did couldn't have been discussed and agreed upon, and a compromise made- but he doesn't seem to compromise either.

    Plus the spending- a Harley? Really? I'd have a serious discussion about finances with this man before any serious joining of the two families.

    That he has been sulking for a month now, knowing that the kids are missing each other, and you are left in the lurch with that consequence of his behavior, also doesn't bode well. He does not seem mature or responsible enough to equally consider your needs and wants, in making major decisions. Yet, he wants you to move in despite obvious drawbacks.

    I'm happy you held your ground and stayed put. Your kids have been through enough, and are going through enough with the loss of his children in their lives (and yours). Should he come around and want to work things out, keep holding your ground, and don't go down that road again with him where you will be left out in the cold.

    Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #8

    May 6, 2015, 06:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    Well now. It does sound like there might have been huge communication issues from the beginning. Honestly I can't imagine these issues if there's honest and open communication. Someone if not both were holding back. But letting the house issue linger for 13 months was not good.

    It's been a month. You won't bend on your house in the bad neighborhood issue. Maybe it's time to move on.

    Point taken... After he realized the consequences of his poor choices and how erratic he was behaving... but by then, I think he realized it was too late which is likely why he bailed...but to do it that way? Out of frustration when he made these choices is really hard to take... He tried looking into selling the home and spoke to two realtors. They told him he'd walk away owing because the market is horrible where he lives (everywhere isn't it?). I looked into living there and putting them in private schools but it's 2k a month for my kids (Schools outside of Chicago can be bad so finding good ones means EVERYTHING around here). I've tried being open. I'm pretty broken up about this as are the kids... I see now that he has bottled much up and lived out scenarios in his head without including me in on them until after the fact. I mentioned this and it ANGERED him to no end! Told me... he could never forgive me for merely saying that because he opened his home up to me and kids and I have the nerve to say that... imagine that.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #9

    May 6, 2015, 06:45 PM
    Jake2008 and DoulaLC, thank you... actually, thank all of your for your input.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #10

    May 6, 2015, 08:43 PM
    You should feel lucky he revealed his true nature, and dumped you, because all YOU have to do is leave him alone. Yes it will be emotional for you, and the kids for a while, but it will get better.

    Your kids come first before a guy who makes selfish, impulsive, life changing decisions without you. What else is there to talk about?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    May 7, 2015, 02:29 AM
    The house is not the real issue, communication and compromise is.

    Is he going to send his children to the bad school? Or keep sending them to the ex wife's area?

    It seems that if he can not move in with you, you both may consider finding another place together, he can always rent his. And if he bought it only a year ago, the market did not drop in this last year, in most places, unless he really over paid.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #12

    May 7, 2015, 08:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    The house is not the real issue, communication and compromise is. Is he going to send his children to the bad school? Or keep sending them to the ex wife's area? It seems that if he can not move in with you, you both may consider finding another place together, he can always rent his. And if he bought it only a year ago, the market did not drop in this last year, in most places, unless he really over paid.
    I agree... Communication is a big problem. No, he would never send his daughter to any school in the area where he lives. He even mentioned, that she "is taken care of" so he didn't have to worry about schools... which is why I was angered months later when he asked me to move in... I was like what about "my" kids? The house was empty for 2 years. An investor let the house go to heck because he was losing money... house went into foreclosure and he bought it. BUT the house was way over what he initially wanted to pay. Tack on a crazy HOA fee that went up drastically after he purchased and soaring taxes (house hadn't been reassessed in a while because it was empty).

    CRAZIEST PART of this? He had an out... because the HOA went up drastically, tax issues and lie about house listing (date it was built, issues with electricity), he could have backed out of the contract. This is when I kept reiterating to him... that it's a good deal TO GET OUT Of plus the schools were horrible... a week later, he calls me and said he got the house... I said which one? THIS ONE... All I could do was SMH :(

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You should feel lucky he revealed his true nature, and dumped you, because all YOU have to do is leave him alone. Yes it will be emotional for you, and the kids for a while, but it will get better.

    Your kids come first before a guy who makes selfish, impulsive, life changing decisions without you. What else is there to talk about?
    I hear you... my mind is there... my heart hasn't caught up... thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    An impulsive, selfish man, who puts his needs before the needs of his partner, and puts his needs ahead of those of his children, doesn't impress me one bit.

    He has caused his own consequences, and nothing he did couldn't have been discussed and agreed upon, and a compromise made- but he doesn't seem to compromise either.

    Plus the spending- a Harley? Really? I'd have a serious discussion about finances with this man before any serious joining of the two families.

    That he has been sulking for a month now, knowing that the kids are missing each other, and you are left in the lurch with that consequence of his behavior, also doesn't bode well. He does not seem mature or responsible enough to equally consider your needs and wants, in making major decisions. Yet, he wants you to move in despite obvious drawbacks.

    I'm happy you held your ground and stayed put. Your kids have been through enough, and are going through enough with the loss of his children in their lives (and yours). Should he come around and want to work things out, keep holding your ground, and don't go down that road again with him where you will be left out in the cold.

    Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.
    He finally admitted early this year, that he was very immature and needed to work on it. You are right... I suppose it's a blessing in disguise and I haven't fully accepted how it all ended...
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #13

    May 7, 2015, 09:07 AM
    You know at this point everything you are typing is pretty much spilled milk that can't be unspilled. The bought house is at the 13 or 14th month. The "outs" have to be almost that old. Even his dramatic end to the relationship is a month old.

    I've been on this site for a few years now and I'm hard pressed to remember a 2 year relationship where the 2 communicated so badly and refused to compromise. It's almost as if you two only talked after everything and never before something. Now granted we've only heard your side and it takes two to make this relationship not work after 2 years. It would be interesting to hear his side of this disfunctional relationship. Maybe it's better that you two have parted ways.

    Kids are not in school forever. After your kids graduate would there be additional reasons for not moving in the house?
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #14

    May 7, 2015, 11:27 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    You know at this point everything you are typing is pretty much spilled milk that can't be unspilled. The bought house is at the 13 or 14th month. The "outs" have to be almost that old. Even his dramatic end to the relationship is a month old.

    I've been on this site for a few years now and I'm hard pressed to remember a 2 year relationship where the 2 communicated so badly and refused to compromise. It's almost as if you two only talked after everything and never before something. Now granted we've only heard your side and it takes two to make this relationship not work after 2 years. It would be interesting to hear his side of this disfunctional relationship. Maybe it's better that you two have parted ways.

    Kids are not in school forever. After your kids graduate would there be additional reasons for not moving in the house?
    To be fair, I'm sure if you asked him, he would say that he 'offered' his home and heart to me and the girls and feels slighted that I didn't move in. He'd likely also say he feels trapped in that house (has mentioned a month ago that he hates the house now because it's too expensive for him and is the reason why we can't live together). Again, I had nothing to do with the house yet, indirectly, I feel that's a dig towards me. He'd also say I was too busy for him and not giving him the 'attention' he needs.

    If my kids were older and out of school, there would be absolutely no issue. I'd move to the end of the earth to be with him but I'm a "package deal" until they are out of school. His DD is entering HS. My twins are still in Elementary. All I've asked is for him to be fair. Why force my hand and ask me to move and uproot my kids to a bad school if you wouldn't do the same for yours?

    We haven't been on the outs that long. Yes, the house purchase was a doozy and then we vowed to get over it and try to find work-arounds. I'm happy to say, he seriously looked into selling it - twice. But it won't sell. I asked him to consider renting it out and we could rent a house together since NOT living together is a DEAL BREAKER for him. I even said, I'll pay 65% of the rent so he could offset any taxes, etc he had to pay for the rental of his home. No dice. I've tried to compromise even with situations I had no hand in.

    And to think... all this "started" because I simply asked him why he didn't show up for my daughters (one of) surgery. For two months, he promised her and I he'd be there. I find out about the date and verify if he's going. He asked me instead if we could go out of town for his daughters spring break. I said... babe, we are having the surgery the day before. We can't leave for a few days. Then, he replies... Oh, OK no problem and by the way, I won't be able to make the surgery. Vindictive? What is that? So when I asked him why he didn't make it and why he didn't come by that weekend to see her after stating he would THREE times and cancelling, this is when I'm HIT with... sorry, you don't make me a priority. I'm not getting what I want. We're not engaged. You won't live with me and good luck. This is why I'm taking it so hard. It doesn't make sense to me.

    Did I stay too long in this? LIkely :( ... but it's easy to see the forest before the trees when you're not standing in the thick of it. I genuinely love this man...shortcomings and all... I just feel so hurt by the way he chose to go about things. I'm a friend before anything. To cut me off b/c you're frustrated in that manner...not attending surgery, not wishing me a happy birthday a week later or even my kids the week after (theirs is a week after mine)... is TOUGH. It's tough to hear my 9-year ask, what did she do wrong for him not to come see her in surgery or call on her birthday when the weekend before all this happened, he was talking about all the places we'd go this summer after school was out.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #15

    May 7, 2015, 12:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    An impulsive, selfish man, who puts his needs before the needs of his partner, and puts his needs ahead of those of his children, doesn't impress me one bit.

    He has caused his own consequences, and nothing he did couldn't have been discussed and agreed upon, and a compromise made- but he doesn't seem to compromise either.

    Plus the spending- a Harley? Really? I'd have a serious discussion about finances with this man before any serious joining of the two families.

    That he has been sulking for a month now, knowing that the kids are missing each other, and you are left in the lurch with that consequence of his behavior, also doesn't bode well. He does not seem mature or responsible enough to equally consider your needs and wants, in making major decisions. Yet, he wants you to move in despite obvious drawbacks.

    I'm happy you held your ground and stayed put. Your kids have been through enough, and are going through enough with the loss of his children in their lives (and yours). Should he come around and want to work things out, keep holding your ground, and don't go down that road again with him where you will be left out in the cold.

    Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.
    You're right... the truth hurts to hear/read but you are right. TY.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #16

    May 8, 2015, 12:11 PM
    Had to fight myself from reaching out to him today...
    Not so much a question but a thought I'm sharing... Had to fight myself from reaching out to him today. My ex-husband (I'm on good terms with, divorced 7 years ago) called this morning to let me know he was in a horrible motorcycle accident (pretty bad... staples in his head, skin has been removed from his face, broken hand)... My ex-boyfriend that I posted about last week also rides bikes (new Harley I mentioned)... The honest/humble side of me was going to send a simple note this morning saying to be careful and mention that my ex-husband was in an accident. We'd share this kind of information normally but I had an internal warfare going on... had to remind myself that he probably doesn't care to hear it and I probably shouldn't give a hoot about sharing such information with him ...

    All this thinking actually brings me a question...

    My ex-boyfriend's DD's birthday is the end of this month. I had a good relationship with her (very good)... there's a part of me that wants to send him a message to say Happy Birthday to her... (even though I have her number,she is a minor and I would consider it disrespectful to text her happy birthday considering I'm no longer with her father). But again, I find myself fighting myself... like... if it's over, it's over... and he likely wouldn't want that anyhow so I should get the thought out of my head. It would only serve to confuse or make things complex... But the reason for wanting to say Happy Birthday is simple... she didn't do anything, you know? A simple happy birthday to her... but again, if it would make it difficult if everyone is trying to move on... I don't know... just rambling I guess. Thoughts and opinions are welcome.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #17

    May 8, 2015, 01:06 PM
    Leave him alone no matter what!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,890, Reputation: 5430
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    #18

    May 8, 2015, 01:14 PM
    I agree with tal. Sending birthday greetings will only muddy the waters and confuse the girl. Your ex may not even tell her.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #19

    May 8, 2015, 03:34 PM
    Tal and Wondergirl, I appreciate this forum/site. Thank you...
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,890, Reputation: 5430
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    #20

    May 8, 2015, 03:43 PM
    And we're glad you're here! Please offer help to others who need it and post questions. We need thoughtful members like you.

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