[Claire10]

My husband of 12 years had an affair earlier this year & now she is pregnant and says she wants to keep his baby. Im devastated we have 3 children together. I don't know what to do. I still love him & I want to save our marriage. What should I do?

[Fr_Chuck]

While the women will not be in your life, this child will be, if your husband is any type of father. He will also be paying child support for the next 18 to 21 years which will cut the money at home.

Also it is possible if not with this women, he may cheat with others in the future.

I would say that you and husband need to go to marriage counseling to make some hard choices.

[Jake2008]

I agree with Chuck.

There are so many complications to deal with.

There is the problem of him not being faithful to you, and your children. That would be enough to deal with, without a baby on the way with another woman. That he made such a choice in the first place means your marriage, even if you were not aware, was not healthy. Cheating involves your entire family, and will for many, many years to come.

Remember what it was like when your children were babies. They were needy, naturally, and expensive, and required two parents to keep up with it all. Raising a child, even part-time, as he will be doing, will mean his continued contact with his girlfriend, her family, everybody's friends, neighbours, etc. Your own children will be forced to accept the baby into their lives, and you will be forced into being a part of it. There will be many times when time off would otherwise be just your own family and activities and outings, that will now involve another child, and that child's mother. There will be continued communication with his girlfriend, for many years to come.

She will, like most, demand of his time, and money, and support, as she should. He is the father after all, and now has serious obligations toward the raising of another child.

You have no say in this, or choice about it. By his infidelity, he has created a situation that will change the lives of everyone. Just because she is pregnant, does not mean the end of the affair. He will be far more involved in her life than what was just the occasional booty call, and his lies are now out of the closet, and a baby on the way exposes him for all that he has done, and all that will be done, to change your life, your marriage, and your children's lives.

I am sure they are in contact even more than they were. She will expect him to attend doctor's appointments, to attend the birth, sign the birth certificate, and purchase everything a baby needs once born.

And then there are birthday parties, baseball games, school outings and teacher meetings, and he will need to be around when deaths occur that she has to contend with, to console and help with the child. Then babies and kids get sick, and it's running to the pharmacy for medicine, and assisting with all sorts of things. Think of it as him doing for his new child, what he needed to do for his own.

We are not talking about 'just' an affair here, which, through marriage counseling, can eventually heal the wounds of betrayal. But his betrayal is going to last until that baby is into adulthood, and beyond. The child needs will have to come first, and especially being a baby, means that everything else takes a back seat for a long time.

You may have forgiven him for the affair, but think again. It involves far more than just an affair because he decided to gamble and lost- he's produced a baby when a 99 cent condom would have prevented all the upset that follows his decision.

I could say so much more about men like your husband, but I'm sure you get the picture. I would absolutely say get into counseling before the baby arrives. You will have to accept that he cheated, why he cheated, and whether you are prepared to deal with the consequences forced upon YOU because of what he did. And you will need some confidence, that the booty calls won't continue after the baby arrives.

Be prepared as much as you can, should you decide to go the 18 year penalty for HIS mistake. Is love for him enough?

It sure wouldn't be for me.

[Cat1864]

I am going to agree with Jake and Chuck's advice.

My advice is a bit different though. I think counseling for you and Marriage Counseling for the both of you is a good start. No matter what happens with the other female, you and he need to work through the anger and other negative emotions for your children. The marriage may or may not survive but you will always be parents with the rights and responsibilities that word implies.

I highly suggest that he be very careful about claiming the unborn child until after it is born and a DNA test has been performed. She may be telling the truth or she may be playing the odds/hoping that the child is his. He has no proof that he is the only person she had intercourse with around the time of conception. I do suggest giving reasonable support and showing interest in the baby's growth with the understanding that it is pending a DNA test to prove he is the biological father.

If he is the father, then the child and its mother will play a part in your future. If he isn't, then they should be out of his and your life. Either way, you need to work through the trust issues and decide if you love him enough to allow the trust to be rebuilt.

Love isn't always enough to keep a marriage together. You also need trust. Without trust, insecurities eat away at the Love and turn it into negative emotions such as jealousy. Can you learn to trust him again?

I know you want to save the marriage. Does he? Are you both willing to put time and energy into rebuilding the marriage? Are you both willing to be understanding that this will take time to overcome and it will be very difficult with a lot of frustration and anger at times? Rebuilding the marriage isn't something you can do on your own. This is something that will take both of you. If either of you aren't willing to put in the work needed, then consult a divorce attorney for advice. Do not try to hold on if it is apparent that the anger is building with no signs of dissipating. Remember that your children are innocent bystanders to this and try not to let them get caught in the fallout.

[talaniman]

You must be devastated, and need to recognize decisions based just on feelings now usually have bad outcomes especially when the situation is complicated as this one is. I can only caution you to remain neutral for now, and a more will be revealed later, and there is much to consider and deal with.

Put that save the marriage idea on the shelf until you know for fact he is as willing as you are to do the same thing and for that YOU need trusted counsel of a GOOD friend (or better a professional), and gather a support system around you. Do this for yourself, and your children because no matter what happens next, that's what you will need. Everything else to come can flow from there. So don't be in such a hurry to go along with anyone else's program but the one YOU decide on.

For sure your husband, and this woman will cover their own arses, and pursue their own best interest, and I strongly suggest you do the same. With everything that's gone down, and will go down, unless you make yourself a BIG priority NOW, nobody else will.

I just don't think you or your kids benefit much from just saving this marriage, because you cannot do that alone. Just give it much thought, and leave your options open for now, as you wrap your head around what has happened. Run it through your support system, until YOU are more comfortable. You have more power than you think, and should not give it away to wrong doers who only want to save themselves.

[J_9]

I agree with everyone, but I have to ask...

Does HE want to save the marriage? No amount of counseling, or anything for that matter, is going to save you marriage if you both aren't on the same page.

[Oliver2011]

I'd kick the dude to the curb and take as much money from him as I could. But that's me. How can you ever be back level where trust is concerned? You have three kids and when you have kids you stop putting your own needs first. That didn't happen where he's concerned. And my biggest question is what idiot has an affair and doesn't use birth control? He's a cheater and he's stupid and therefore he'd be gone in my book.

Have you thought about how you're going to introduce the new kid to your children? "Son this is your baby brother who was also produced by your cheating father."

I get that you say you still love him but there are tons of issues to work out. Good luck.