[Bluerose]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" ;> Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful,

[talaniman]

Holy Moses, THAT was funny.

[Jiser]

Haha, like this! Not one to send round on the office emails though :( Wish I could!

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

Ha ha, that's class! *Claps*

[Bluerose]

How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! ...

Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a blogger in no time! ...

1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogger.com ...

2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".

3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the blogging service, or one created by you.

4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.

5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".

6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.

7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.

8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.

9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.

10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).

11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.

12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.

13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.

14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.

15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.

16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.

17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.

18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.

19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.

20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.

21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.

22. Complete your first post.

23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.

24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".

25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.

26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous

27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.

28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.

29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.

30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.

31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous

32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.

33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.

34. Stand up and get another drink.

35. Sit back down at your computer desk.

36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.

37. Complete the second post.

38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.

39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.

40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.

41. Refuse and hang up phone.

42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.

43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.

44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.

45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.

46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).

47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"

48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.

49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.

50. Repeat for the rest of your life.

51. Welcome To Blogging!

[phoenix1664]

Now that was funny lol

[talaniman]

LOL, but 3 drinks to make a blog?? Your good

[shygrneyzs]

Thanks so much, bluerose. Both stories are just great. That blogging one seems to be more true than fiction, considering some of the blogs I have read. Lol

[Bluerose]

I know of what I speak. Lol

I have two or three MSN Spaces. Great fun but run a bit slow sometimes hence the wine coming out and nothing seeming to make sense. Lol

This ones not too bad. Check it out.

Good Morning!

[Bluerose]

The Seamstress

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "YES."
The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!
The seamstress replied, "Oh! Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise.Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is:

WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND

HONOURABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.

THAT'S OUR STORY,

AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT.