[Nikki Choice]

My boyfriend and domestic partner of 2 years broke up with me a week and a half ago during a big fight. He asked me to move out of our CO townhouse (and go back to my home state of CA) which I've agreed to do. I'm currently under-employed so during the fight he called me a 'financial burden'. It's true, I need to get more aggressive in landing my professional job. So now instead of looking for my professional job in CO, I'm looking for it in CA and I'm finding the job prospects are better there. I prefer we not break up, but I respect his wishes to break up so I've been kind and civil while actively looking into steps for moving out. He found out that I'm applying to CA jobs and his initial response was surprise/curious but then quickly turned indifferent. We still go out to holiday parties and dinner dates together and present each other as bf/gf. I'm not sure if he's just being civil and wants to stay broken up. But I'd like to know if he's sure about this break up so that I can move on (in CA) or in CO. How can I approach this tactfully? I do love him and want to be with him but I understand the decision is his.

[talaniman]

He has already made his decision, and the only thing left is for you to leave, and stop this game of pretend, and false hope. So what are you waiting for?

I think you should have packed, and left when he dumped you. I think you are just prolonging your own agony. There is obviously no commitment on his part, and keeping up with appearances to family and friends serves whose interest? Certainly not yours as you are stuck in limbo.

It is only your inability to make a decision and take action that's keeping YOU stuck................in LIMBO, subject to his good graces. There is no tactful way to approach this other than ask straight out if he has changed his mind about wanting you gone.

[joypulv]

If you are from CA, you must have friends and family you can crash with for brief periods, sequentially. Family especially, for holidays?
Living together this way would drive me nuts. Same bed? I wouldn't sleep with him. Go out together? Not me. Present as bf/gf? Nope.
I'd be packing bags and boxes and getting rid of stuff too, or shipping it out there, or even putting it in a storage place if you have a lot.

If all that prompts him to want to 'undo' the breakup, then you can decide what to do - but not quickly. After some deep communication and agreements, or it just gets easier to dump you each time.

Of course he may really want it to be over. You two really must not talk things out!

If he's just calling your bluff and you want to know, then ask him how he feels now, and does he want to talk - while you are stacking boxes to the ceiling.

[wchrysta]

So, after two years of being together, a big fight lands you on the path of moving out. I don't want to sound presumptuous but it seems pretty obvious to me that there is someone else. You moving out of the house and him further requesting that you leave the state would make a new relationship easier for sure. Him hesitating when he hears that you might follow through and leave, means that he is unsure about which person he wants. He may not choose you in the middle of your argument but when everything calms down he is probably going back and forth in his thoughts and feelings. Either way, you are in an unreliable situation and need to be able to take care of yourself. I think you should live where ever you want, but make sure you are always in a position where you can take care of your financial needs, so if this ever happens again with him or someone else, you won't be in such a panic and can focus on the relationship and not the financial strain.

Good luck dear and tread softly.

[Nikki Choice]

Talaniman, we still have round trip tickets to CA for Christmas (bought them before our break up). I see no sense in wasting more money just so that I can fly out earlier. That is the only thing that keeps me here for now.

Joypulv, he is the one who still presents me as his girlfriend, I just go along to be civil. I still cook and clean for us, let him use my car, and manage our appointments. I'm okay with doing this because I prefer harmony- we still eat together, watch movies together, and laugh at each other's jokes. Even if he told me that there is no chance of reconciliation today, I would accept, and still do this until the day I move out (Xmas). I'm glad that so far it has been an amicable break up.

What doesn't make any sense to me is the abruptness of his break up- especially since we've had an overall good relationship. I think he is being rash and I think he knows this too but doesn't want to admit it due to his pride.

Wchrysta, I don't think he has been cheating. He works and then comes home and we're always together, he leaves his phone exposed, etc. No signs of cheating. But if he decided to date someone now, then I'd still be civil till I move out (and then I'd disappear from his life).

I'll go where a good job takes me. And I feel good about my plans, so I'm going through with them. If he changes his mind he can let me know.

[talaniman]

I will give you credit for having a practical plan that hopes for the best, but allows for the worst! No one can say why people and their feelings can change so radically, but being willing to make the right adjustments for yourself goes a long way in surviving such situations. Still sucks though.