[yerevan]

I'm justa about to turn 18. I have a boyfriend and we've been together for nearly 2 years.
I love him dearly and he loves me.
The problem is, I constantly feel insecure about it, and I feel that he doesn't love me and he only says that he does because he doesn't want to upset me.

Recently he went to stay with a friend, I did not know he was staying longer than one night.
He didn't call me and in the end he stayed there for 4 days and nights. Normally we speak everyday (I always call him) but this time I decided I'd wait to see how long it would be before he called me.
He didn't call me, I had to call him in the end.
I was very upset about this and proceeded to give him a hard time about it.

Stuff like this happens often, and every time I feel awful and unwanted, and then when I have to give him a hard time and explain how I feel I feel terrible for saying it to him because he gets upset by it.

Just today he was telling me about a party he may be going to. He did not invite me to join him. Yet he told my best friend that she should go.
So I called him when I found out asking why he did not invite me.. needless to say he had what sounded like a reasonable excuse- he wasn't yet sure if he was going to go.



I need him to call me and include me more so that I know he loves me. He assures me that he does love me, but he never seems to show me that he does. He's loving and all that. But sometimes I wonder that if I never rang him again, if I'd ever speak to or see him again.

I'm sure that my head isn't straight and that I want too much from him.
I just need to feel loved, but I don't get the love I need.. maybe I need too much?

How do I stop needing him so much? Its not healthy for me.. my happiness depends entirely on him- and I know that isn't good.
What can I do?

[ITGuy]

You must be a Pisces!! Because my wife is like that and I keep on reassuring her that SHE IS NUMBER 1 FOR ME.

Still... she doesn't believe it. May be your boyfriend is feeling what I feel... helpless :(

But... I am sure like me he won't give up.

Listen... the more we try to seek closeness, the more we choke the relationship and farther people will move from us. Just remember it if you want to salvage your relationship.

I am sure you'll learn... as you are young.

:)

[yerevan]

Thanks ITguy. I'm not a pisces..
But the rest of your post is vallid.

This is the problem you see, I realise what I am doing is only going to harm our relationship- I just don't know how to stop being like this?

[ITGuy]

May be then another WATER sign? Cancer or Scorpio. LOL

I mean females from those signs are too possessive!

Let's take out the zodiac because people can be totally different than their signs and there are are a number of factors involved.

Just give him some breathing space and he'll return back to you. What are you doing right now is a sure receipe of diasaster (=breakup and heartburn).

Try to understand how men think. If possible, try to find book "Men are from Mars and women from Venice" (may be by Charles Gray?)

[ITGuy]

Quick answer to your problem: TRUST HIM.

However, our instincts are sometimes right too. So, also try to understand why you feel so insecure. Is there any red flag about him that you are getting unconsciously. Try to find out what you feel wrong about him?

[Matt3046]

Well the problem may not be you, your fears could have a base.

[yerevan]

I suppose the reason I feel he doesn't love me is purely because I feel he doesn't think of me.
When I asked him why he hadn't called me for days he told me that he was busy and he forgot. I understood that he was busy- but it really hurts me that he has things which are more important to me than him (and I know that is wrong of me).

I want to trust him- but it's just so hard when this kind of thing happens on a regular basis and he doesn't seem to learn from what I say to him.

I understand men are different to women, and I guess he's just not as dependent on me as I am on him.

I reckongnise I have issues, I just need to stop needing him so much!

p.s. I'm a taurus!

[ITGuy]

I hope he is not a Sagi. Like me... because we want our independence.

You've provided solution to your own problem; men are different.

Instead of thinking like a girl think HOW HE FEELS and you are in a better position to keep him on a long term basis.

Also... if you already have intimate relationship with him then it's a totally different ballgame. Because before that guys chase girls and afterwards it's the girls. Sex creates bonding in girls while guys, having taken the most precious gift of a girl without any commitment, have nothing to lose so they... try to leave.

Sorry hard facts.

P.S. If you haven't already, then . Don't have $ex with him to keep him on long term basis :)

[yerevan]

I would never have sex just to try and please him.
We are sexually active, but whenever he has upset me I refrain from sex until I feel more trusting of him.

I know that guys are different- but is that a good enough excuse to justify him never calling me?

We talk over the internet because its cheaper, but when he's away he just doesn't call.
I worry so mucha about him.
Every time I voice my concerns to him he gets so upset and I hate myself for doing it to him.

I'm just so insecure. I need to stop needing him like I do. If I didn't need his love so much, it wouldn't matter that he didn't doesn't call me.

How do I become more independent?

[ITGuy]

Well... after having sex with him, you've placed all your apples in his basket. Meaning... you've lost the initiative and . Don't be surprised if he is even cheating on you or has relationship with any other girl as well.

Can you control your nerves? If yes, make him miss you so that he comes back to you. The more you go after him now, the more you lose him.

P.S. In case, if this relationship ends, remember... don't have a sex with your next boyfriend very soon. It's a paradox; we, men, want sex from women but don't value them who come too easy. Reason: A woman who is too easy to one man will do the same with others and men are territorial by nature.

[Matt3046]

To quote the replacements "just because your paranoid, doesn't mean their not watching you"

[kitcub]

I think him not calling you for days is ridiculous. If you are in a relationship you should talk and he can't be that busy! You wanting security from him is natural and wanting him to call you is NOT a bad thing. He has to realize he has responsibilities in this relationship too. If you think you are too dependent on him try to make dates to hang out with your friends more. He will be more interested in pleasing you cause he will see that you don't need him to be happy (even if you feel you do). You have EVERY right to expect him to call you once in a while and if he doesn't you have every right to get annoyed with him. He may get upset, but he has upset you! Your feelings count just as much as his and never forget that!

[ellaberry]

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I've been the same way in relationships. It's always awful because you're always so afraid that they'll leave you and really that constant worry is what drives them away.
I think you should ignore what ITguy said about sex: if you've been dating the guy for almost 2 years I don't think you had sex too soon! And not all guys stop liking a girl after she has sex with him!
The main thing is that I now regret past relationships (especially one in particular) where it was exactly the way you described (feeling like if I didn't make the call I'd never talk to him again, inviting everyone but me, etc.) and I realize now that when my boyfriend said he didn't invite me because he just assumed I knew I was invited seeing as I was his girl or that he was busy and didn't have time to call that it was true and that he did actually care for me and love me as a girlfriend. BUT I also see now that he could never have changed. And I needed him to change as I wanted someone who made it clear that I was important to him. Some guys want to be with their girls every day forever (as my boyfriend of 2 years now) and some guys just don't want to commit.
Really, all I want you to know is that for things to work with you two you have to stop worrying. I never did and that's why eventually I got broken up with. Sometimes a boy can't bother to keep reassuring you. And sometimes they can and then you'll be lucky!
But maybe you'll be even luckier and be able to stop worrying! Let me know how it goes!

[timtim-awesim]

Instead of playing mindgames with him, why can't you just ask if he's feeling smothered? If he wants you to back off, he will tell you. He might not even know you are worried about this. Just ask him, "Does it bother you that I call so much?" Then he will say "No! I love talking to you!" or possibly "A little bit, you can be a little needy." If he says something equivalent to the second option, he isn't your man. If he says some wishy-washy thing, he isn't your man.

Almost all problems in relationships are from miscommunication.

[8120joy]

Heyy, again, like other people have said I went through the same thing with a guy for 4 years. I sat one night and wrote down all the things that were in my relationship that I didn't like (on my part) being insuecure, jealous, irrational etc and I wrote down all the things I wanted it to be... happy, secure, loving, free.

In my case I figured out from this I had a major fear of rejection, essentially I was always thinking Im not good enough, not pretty enough etc... he's bound to prefer someone else ESPECIALLY when Im being insecure blah blah blah.

I didn't really know how to actually deal with this fear of recetion (I hope this is still relevant for you) so I went to counselling and after like 2 sessions I realised there were some things in my life that bothered me, beyond just being in a relationship... for example I didn't have a good relationship with my father and when he was around he was always telling me... you're can't do anything or that I should just go away like I was such an inconvenience and a nuisance and of course now with this boyfriend I had I was always worried I was annoying him, or that he didn't really want to be with me or talk to me.

So... IF You have issues from your past that you think might have started these issues for you, have a look into them and FACE them to deal with them and they won't bother you anymore...

Also just always try to keep in your mind that its JUST a relationship, you don't have any say of him what he says or does and also him for you... in my case I had to change my attitude and tell myself not to expect him to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him, when you stop expecting... you won't be disappointed. (some guys are like that and others arent)

I know that can sound a little harsh, but if you focus on other things e.g spending time with friends, find a new hobby or just spend time with your family, go shopping, anything! But when you're doing these things instead of worrying about him or what he thinks they YOU are gaining independence aside from him as well as having fun!

Hmmm also if you have a low self esteem, try to build yourself up - because everyone needs to be confident in themselves - not because someone else did or didn't compliment them..

I hope this all makes sense and was helpful.

Take care

[bdw9714]

Here's how I conquer these feelings of neediness when they crop up:

Step One:
Recognize that the feelings aren't because of his actions - you said that he's loving and that he tells you he loves you.

Step Two:
Recognize that you are the creator of these feelings. It's an insecurity thing and they crop up because you are always scared you are going to lose him, because you feel like you aren't good enough.

Step Three:
Stop allowing yourself to include these feelings in who you are. Picture them as the enemy. Every time they crop up, fight them actively. Don't just take a deep breath and try to make them go away, be aggressive. Get mad at those feelings. They're like a bad dog that keeps sniffing at your food. Yell at them if you have to, trivialize them, insult them, whatever. Just keep in mind the whole time that they aren't YOU, they are the manifestation of an imperfect mind (we all have problems, and they come in all shapes and sizes). They are the enemy. The bad guy.

Step Four:
Actively monitor these feelings. When he does something (like forgetting to call) that threatens to bring the feelings down on you, start over at step one.

Step Five:
Don't let yourself stop until you begin to really feel secure. Realize that in the end, if he doesn't love you, he will leave you. If he does love you, he'll stay. But if he does love you, and you keep making him feel like your feelings are his fault, eventually he will realize that you are placing the responsibility for your mental health on him. And no one can be responsible for their own mental health AND their partners; it's an unfair burden to ask him to bear.

Good luck - I know how this can tear a person up. It's happened to me quite a bit. These steps were the only thing that helped. And it took time, and a very patient partner (who I'm still with by the way).

[honnyJOE]

You should cut this guy loose. He sounds like a douche bag and he's taking advantage of the fact that you're always going to be there for him no matter how lame he makes you feel. Get rid of him. Life's too short to waste any of it with someone that's not giving you what you need.

[valerie850]

That's not being needy just talk to him and let him kown and what he can do to help make things a little better good luck

[Truth101]

I'm a Pisces woman and at your age, I reacted the same as you. I'm 23 now and have learnt that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. I'm not saying your boyfriend doesn't want you but your neediness might be pushing him away. Men love to chase and if you are doing all the chasing (whether he's slept with you or not)he will be turned-off. One advice I can give you is... get a life. I'm not saying this in a negative way, I'm saying, love your boyfriend but invest your love in you and your likes and hobbies. Revolve your life around yourself and family and not on others. If he really loves you, he'll come around. Getting a puppy might actually give you the love you need or better yet, treat yourself, take yourself out on dates and spend time with yourself. Love yourself and all will follow, whether with him or another. I am currently single because the love of life (a capricorn) moved to another city and I have 3 guys chasing me and since I learnt to make my life revolve around me and my loved ones, I never chase but reciprocate. My Capricorn and I still communicate and believe when we have established ourselves and followed our dreams... maybe, we'll get back together, but life as we know it does not guarantee anything so I take everything one day at a time. Create YOUR OWN LIFE and you will soon be reminded that the only love most valuable and fulfilling than another is yours to yourself.

PS: There is a thin line between self-love and selfishness, don't cross it and goodluck. You deserve happiness and a man you don't need to beg to love you but remember, we all need time to come around. Be patient.