[confusedlove99]

Hi My name is Melissa and I'm in a bit of a rut. You see I have been dating a married man for about 3 almost 4 years now. He shows me he loves me, he does everything a loving boyfriend is supposed to. We met over a dating site when I was 18 (I'm 22 now) and hit it off. He seemed distant during the first year considering he told me upfront he was married but he was separated for a year. Ive never had much experience with dating many men, but since he told me he had been separated for a year and not living with his wife, I thought it was OK to just date and see how things went between us. He told me he just gone on the dating site to talk to people not really looking for anything but then again neither was I. I had also joined the dating site to chat with people (we are both shy people). He told me he had a son that his wife wouldn't let him see (she still doesn't). He filed for a divorce but his lawyer isn't really doing anything. She told him to open child support on himself to make the case look better on his behalf. He did but she still won't let him see his son.

2 years ago she met me and she seemed calm no drama. We talked just fine. She knew at this time I was dating him and they were separated. He had proposed to me within half the first year and sooner than later I was pregnant with his 2nd son in 2011. A Couple years passed and we started having issues with the bills and child support due to the loss of his job. And since the amount piled up so high, they suspended his drivers license because of it, which made things worse because he got a new job as a taxi driver, and without it he can't work. All other stores and jobs are far away and pay too low.

Here we are still and I had recently given birth to his 3rd son. I was pregnant again before but I ended up having a miscarriage. I am now wondering if things have gone too far. When I bring up the divorce he gets angry and frustrated, because he tells me he wants to divorce her but he doesn't have the money. He said otherwise he would have bought me a better ring. I truly love him and he loves me. We have taken our time. I have tried not to interfere as best as I could but now I'm starting to think otherwise. Am I too late? I keep hearing everyone say dating a married man is a "big no no" wish someone had told me that back then, but I can't seem to help but want
to be with only him, but I'm jealous of his wife. Am I too late because I had his children? I'm in desperate need of advice. Please forgive spelling and grammar.

I have a 2 year old with him and a 2 month old. We cant save up enough money because of all the child support debt. All I'm getting is welfare for me and my kids. I just don't know what to do. I'm just starting to feel so foolish. People say married men aren't going to leave their wives. But I have his kids Am I too late? Should I stay even though I deeply love him and wait for him to divorce his wife or leave? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I have tried talking to him about it. But it just makes him angry because there's not much he can do about the situation according to him and he also tells me he doesn't want to go through the divorce without a lawyer because he just doesn't know what to do and I'm just dealing with it and biting my tongue. Its October 2 months till December, and I don't want to be the side woman that much longer. Thinking should leave if he doesn't divorce her by mid year next year, or sooner, but I don't know if I'm also being unfair to him? He does almost everything for me and is a wonderful man and father but I can't help but be angry. I don't know what to do. Any advice would help.

Thank you so so much.

[joypulv]

He was lying to you. Divorces don't drag out like this, and he had enough money to finalize it long before he lost his job. And how did he lose his driver's license, exactly? Now you are a welfare mother of 2 children, sigh. How is marriage to him going to give you any more security and promises than it did for his wife? I'm sorry you fell for all this. If you had a nickel for every married man (with a CHILD!) who says he is getting a divorce...

[Jake2008]

He probably lost his license due to non-payment of child support. Likely money doesn't have anything to do with him getting a divorce. I'm curious if he actually even has a legal separation? Have you seen the paperwork?

He now has three children, and cannot support any of them (without you being on government assistance). He isn't going anywhere. Why would he leave you, or you boot him out, and he faces more child support battles he doesn't want to man up to?

You are dependent on him, and he offers very little. He is dependent on you, and you provide him an easy way out of his responsibilities of supporting his other child, and better providing a life for his two children with you.

And as far as that goes, neither of you sound very responsible.

What is stopping you from seeking an education, and paving a path to a better life for yourself and your children? Being a welfare mother, is not providing a very good future for yourself, or your children. But, there are opportunities to get out and off welfare, with subsidies and financial assistance to help you reach independence, and a better life.

He probably doesn't want to go that route himself, because he is a deadbeat. He doesn't want to improve his own life, in order to better provide for his children. Avoiding the responsibility he owes, is a soft lifestyle, with no future for anybody involved.

You don't have to be in this position unless you want to. Even if you love this man, for whatever reason, sometimes love alone will not pay the bills, and make ends meet, and in another five years from now, if you don't make changes you'll be just another welfare mom, and he'll be the same deadbeat, neither of you changing enough, to change your future.

It's up to you.

[ma0641]

"I don't want to be the side woman that much longer". You have been for 4 years, he has little moral value if he has had 2 children with you and no support. Sorry, but just give it up and try to move on. You are the one saddled with children and no income. Not a good start to a young life.

[talaniman]

At some point you will realize that you must depend on yourself and being on welfare, I cannot even imagine what is he doing for you that's so great that you sit, and wait for him to get his crap together, and handle his business properly. Why have you not gotten your own act together, and handled YOUR business properly?

You may have been young, and dumb before, but does that mean you have to stay that way? For sure if you keep listening to him you will continue to be dragged through his misery with him, and end up with NOTHING, and your kids too, and he will still be a married man and you the chick on the side with his kids.

Stop waiting for him to handle his business properly and handle YOURS, or else you will be OLD and dumb. Thats MY suggestion.

[Luck0rN0t]

Yes, things went too far. Yes, he is lying. You have a chance... first get on some birth control, then... get him out, let him get a job like a responsible person. Let him get the divorce and sort out his past. Let him get his poop in a pile then see if he is still the man of your dreams. You and your kids deserve much better than what he has shown so far. He has made promises in the past only to break them. What makes it different now?

Love? Love, alone, does not raise children. It is hard and scary alone. It is harder and scarier with a partner who acts like another child to raise. Real men and real women raise their children, they don't avoid jobs and child support. I had no job when I had my daughter, 16 years ago. I was recently ordered to pay my ex-husband over $7,000 in (back) child support for my son. I now have a large credit card bill (over $7,000), but guess what? I paid what was ordered, to support my child first and foremost.

I started out pregnant, jobless, and on welfare. I changed all of that.

Mistakes? I've made a few, but I won't be a doormat. Please, Melissa, you are young and smart and still have a world of possibilities ahead of you. Don't be a doormat. Be the example and surround yourself with the kind of people you want your children to emulate, because those are the people they will grow up to be like. Do you want your sons to grow up to be like him? Is that how you want them to treat women? That is what they learn, little by little, day by day...