[Qaz007]

We both are 20. We knew each other since a year and we are close since 4/5 months. Closeness is limited to friendship only or we can say we are bestfriends, but since last one month I'm feeling very possessive for her. I don't want to become a despo guy who always keep running behind a girl. Any relationship between us is not possible because of family circumstances which we have discussed very early in very friendly and tickling manner. I just don't want to ruin the relation because of my possessiveness. I feel awkward but being more concerned is the part of possessiveness. Hope you can understand what I mean.

[joypulv]

IF you can never have a close relationship and IF you cannot control your possessiveness, then you must force yourself to break all contact with her.

Possessiveness and control are extremes of jealousy. Almost all of us feel jealousy, from the time we are tiny children, wanting a parent's attention and resenting a sibling or someone else. We learn to share. We learn to understand that others have needs the same as ours. We LEARN to control our own feelings. Possessiveness is selfish and egocentric and childish. At 20, you are old enough to know that certain things we want we can't have. Plenty of things. So either force yourself to ACT without jealousy, no matter what you feel, or break off all contact with her.

Of course plenty of young people go against their family wishes, and face the consequences in the name of love. That's your choice, both of you. It sounds like neither of you wants to do that.

[Qaz007]

IF you can never have a close relationship and IF you cannot control your possessiveness, then you must force yourself to break all contact with her.

Possessiveness and control are extremes of jealousy. Almost all of us feel jealousy, from the time we are tiny children, wanting a parent's attention and resenting a sibling or someone else. We learn to share. We learn to understand that others have needs the same as ours. We LEARN to control our own feelings. Possessiveness is selfish and egocentric and childish. At 20, you are old enough to know that certain things we want we can't have. Plenty of things. So either force yourself to ACT without jealousy, no matter what you feel, or break off all contact with her.

Of course plenty of young people go against their family wishes, and face the consequences in the name of love. That's your choice, both of you. It sounds like neither of you wants to do that.

I have quoted one thing is that I don't want to ruine the relation we do have right now because what ever it is, is very beautiful and we both are happy as friends as we do have very nice undersatanding

[Fr_Chuck]

It is already ruined, because you want more, and for what ever reason, ( and I never accept family as a real reason) since if there is real love, nothing will stop you.


But, if you are being possessive, you will end up in an unhealthy relationship, so it is already over, you just not aware of it,

[Qaz007]

It is already ruined, because you want more, and for what ever reason, ( and I never accept family as a real reason) since if there is real love, nothing will stop you.


But, if you are being possessive, you will end up in an unhealthy relationship, so it is already over, you just not aware of it,

Come on man you are demoralizing me
I haven't done any thing significant and I do have a preety much control on my possessiveness
I just want to know how to overcome it

This is not first time I'm being possessive for a girl but in past I have ended relation very brutally which led to suffering for thr girl
I am not being macho man but I want q simple healthy relation and what's wrong with that
In fact we do have a healthy relation I am juss saying what I do feel about her since some times which I want to manage
I don't want to go crazy

[smoothy]

Sorry, but what you wrote doesn't indicate to me that you've got it under control at all. The fact you have it at all indicates that its not under control... you really don't have to actually act upon it.

Its not under control UNTIL you've overome it.

To overcome it... you will likely have to walk away from her. Because to overcome it... you will have to deny yourself a relationship with anyone you can't avoid being posessive over.

You have to understand first and above all else. YOU do not own or possess her. She is there only as long as she wishes to be... as are you. Each of you is an individual person each with their own, hopes , wishes and dreams. None of which any other individual has any right to impose upon.

In a healthy relationship, you will BOTH wish to be with each other... because each of you wants to be. And there is nothing worse for a man or a woman, to have another belittle and demean them by treating them like they are an object, or a possession.

Take away the freedom and you WILL smother any relationship. Posessiveness and jealousy DOES take away that freedom for the object of that possessiveness or jealousy, and it does belittle them because you feel your needs and desires are more important than anythign else, including their wishes and desires. I healthy relationship, is a meeting of minds, as equals....its not a power trip.

[Qaz007]

Sorry, but what you wrote doesn't indicate to me that you've got it under control at all. The fact you have it at all indicates that its not under control... you really don't have to actually act upon it.

Its not under control UNTIL you've overome it.

To overcome it... you will likely have to walk away from her. Because to overcome it... you will have to deny yourself a relationship with anyone you can't avoid being posessive over.

You have to understand first and above all else. YOU do not own or possess her. She is there only as long as she wishes to be... as are you. Each of you is an individual person each with their own, hopes , wishes and dreams. None of which any other individual has any right to impose upon.

In a healthy relationship, you will BOTH wish to be with each other... because each of you wants to be. And there is nothing worse for a man or a woman, to have another belittle and demean them by treating them like they are an object, or a possession.

Take away the freedom and you WILL smother any relationship. Posessiveness and jealousy DOES take away that freedom for the object of that possessiveness or jealousy, and it does belittle them because you feel your needs and desires are more important than anythign else, including their wishes and desires. I healthy relationship, is a meeting of minds, as equals....its not a power trip.

I accept each word you said
Its true on paper as well as on practice..
Now the thing is how can I do what you want me to understand..
Its very true and I also want the same that equality of relation possession has to be maintained for healthy relation
She also apriciat the relation and both of us want this healthyness for life long period and so I am asking this here..

[talaniman]

Make sure you give her, and yourself the time, space, and respect to have other friends, and lives that you enjoy without each other. This will keep the friendship healthy as you both will have healthy lives. Accepting that you both have other things besides each other to do, and enjoy, is how you overcome any awkwardness, jealousy, and possessiveness. True friends will be happy when their friend is happy. Even when they date, and love others, and maybe cannot spend as much time together as they use too, or want too.

[Qaz007]

Make sure you give her, and yourself the time, space, and respect to have other friends, and lives that you enjoy without each other. This will keep the friendship healthy as you both will have healthy lives. Accepting that you both have other things besides each other to do, and enjoy, is how you overcome any awkwardness, jealousy, and possessiveness. True friends will be happy when their friend is happy. Even when they date, and love others, and maybe cannot spend as much time together as the use too, or want too.

U seem very true but both of us enjoy most the time which spend together..
And she has very less numbers of friends and she accept that she enjoy the most when we are together or with her famely.

[talaniman]

Then enjoy it and make adjustments when you or her make more friends or have different activities besides each other. What's the big deal?

Life is a process and you learn as you go what works, and what doesn't. What would be unhealthy is shutting off the other parts of your lives, and being so dependent on one friend that you cannot grow as a person, and be happy with yourself.

Relax and lighten up.

[Jake2008]

Feelings that are beyond a friendship level, make the relationship unbalanced. Your feelings of possessiveness, are feelings that, recognized or not, are feelings that are leading you down that path, of being exclusive together, of being committed, of developing a relationship, above and beyond, a friendship. You want more out of a friendship, than a friendship allows for.

It is her that you feel possessive about, without the part 'b'. The part 'b' being, exclusive to all others who may show an interest, in a relationship with her, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. It is also an unbalanced friendship, in that it gets complicated when, assuming she does not feel possessive toward you, she feels free to date others, and live a normal life, without being exclusive to only you.

Possessiveness leads to all sorts of nasty things, particularly because you are not thinking or behaving in the friendship range. What if she dates a guy and becomes serious with him? Possessiveness can then take on a very ugly turn in behavior, where your need to control her to keep her in the place you are comfortable with (friends), builds resentment, anger, and confusion on her part.

And this possessiveness problem is inclusive to all friendships that change from friendships, to include more. For example, a best friend, an exclusive friend, that is in their friends' life every day, they share secrets, spend all their time together, etc. changes the exclusive relationship, and suddenly there are more friends in the picture, some who become close friends. When a friend is no longer exclusive, that too leads to jealousy and anger.

And I think you should expect that your friendship will change, and you will experience, and be forced to accept, the fact that you can not have what you had at some point, when a more serious relationship/romance, develops, and becomes more important than a friendship with you.

While you seem to understand that nothing more can come of the friendship as it exists now, you don't seem to understand that you will not ever be able to influence your friends choices, when more serious, romantic interests happen. Lives will go in different directions, and the friendship will either end, or never be what it was.

You want to know what to do about this possessiveness. That you recognize it is a good sign. What you might want to think about yourself, is learning to accept that nothing more will come of the relationship that it is now, and that it will change, and probably drastically, as time goes on.

And, do you let go now, or when changes actually happen. That is up to you, but I would recommend that you back off now, and move your interests toward a 'more than a friendship', with someone else.

[smoothy]

I accept each word you said
Its true on paper as well as on practice..
Now the thing is how can I do what you want me to understand..
Its very true and I also want the same that equality of relation possession has to be maintained for healthy relation
She also apriciat the relation and both of us want this healthyness for life long period and so I am asking this here..

This is where the really hard work comes in... because it requires behavioural modifications... it will be painful (emotionally) and you might have to walk away from any situation you find yourself acting that way... now the problem here is where is that line you don't want to cross... everyone has a degree of jealousy, what everyone doesn't have is extreme jealousy. And you can usually corelate jealousy with possessiveness.

One way to view this... as friends... they can talk to whomever they want... they can date whomever they want... they aren't yours exclusively. There is no real expectation of that before you are married. After you are, then you can reasonably expect they aren't going to be fooling around with others. THey ARE entitled to have their own friends, sometimes those friends might be the opposite sex. They still aren't a possession. If they aren't treated well, they can always walk away, get a divorce and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

You keep reminding yourself... people do not like being smothered, people do not like being told what to do, because eventually they will get tired of it and walk away because they do have free will.
It really might take destroying a few relationships before you really learn that lesson, because until then its just words... the pain of one or several relationships takes what are just words, and makes them reality. Reality has a way of hitting home like nothing else can.

It also helps to view this from their perspective....but to do that you really would have to have dated someone who did that to you, so you knew how uncomfortable it is for someone to try to impose things upon you that you aren't comfortable with, and might not like or appreciate at all.

Without that perspective its easy to wrongly convince yourself...if I want it its good, if I want it its right, if I want it everyone else shoudl want it. The problem is anyone who does that, then more they believe it, the more wrong they are about that and everything else.

One of thse reasons why we date many people...and don't get too stuck on any of the early ones....to know what a good relationship is...you have to have the perspective of at least a few bad ones.

That first love always seems great, perfect, incredible...but what do you have to compare it to really? A few relationships down the road, you will see all the things that were wrong with it, that you didn't have the experience at the time to see.

What does that have to do with posessiveness? Well, inexperienced people tend to be posessive...particularly teens...buy a soda for one and they act like you can't even talk to anyone else, PARTICULARLY the opposite sex....I mean you aren't married, you aren't even engaged, and you aren't even really dating at that point....so where do they get this from? Inexperience.

This seems like a tired old saying....

" If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, then it was never yours in the first place"

But if you really give it a lot of thought....there are a lot of important life lessons in those few words.