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    kkato's Avatar
    kkato Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 19, 2014, 10:57 AM
    Slept with an old friend what do I do!?
    So I've known this guy since I was like ten years old. We were really close childhood friends always had crushes on each other but never acted on it. So when I was 15, I ended up moving, fell in love with my boyfriend, who I'm currently still with. We kind of lost contact over the years except for an occasional phone call, but we never ended up meeting due to me being in a relationship, and scared if we did meet I would end up liking him and I didn't want that because I loved my boyfriend.

    But recently he popped into my head and I missed him so I ended up getting a hold of an old mutual friend who gave me his number. I called and he came over within 30 minutes after we hung up. I was expecting to just talk and catch up. By the way now I'm 21 and he's 23. We ended up buying some beer and got a little buzz going, then one thing lead to another, and we ended up having sex, but the complicated part is that we're both in relationships that were happy in. The next day we talked about everything and it seems like he wants this to be an ongoing thing just between the two of us. He said he won't get in the way of me and my boyfriend and this should be mutual when it comes to his girlfriend. He told me how he respects me and doesn't think of me any different and wants our friendship to stay the same.

    I feel very guilty because I do love my boyfriend. But I also had fun with this guy and don't know if I should see him again or cut it off right here. I still can't believe this happened especially because he was always like a brother to me. I got a good morning text from him today and I'm just so confused! Please Any suggestions or advice?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #2

    Aug 19, 2014, 10:59 AM
    What happens if you get pregnant? Would you be happy if it was YOUR boyfriend banging some other girl? I think you know the answer to this already.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #3

    Aug 19, 2014, 11:14 AM
    I take a dim view on cheating. Most people do. I suspect your boyfriend would as well as your friends girl friend.

    There are a few things to consider, first off is STDs. You don't know where he's been and he doesn't know the same of you. When you start sleeping around your chances of catching something will increase as well as passing it on to your boyfriend. The same thing with pregnancies. The other thing to consider is the emotional state of all involved. I can guess that no one has brought up open relationships. While not explicitly stated, I am sure your boyfriend assumes that you and him are exclusive and I am sure the same is said with your friend and his girlfriend.

    The problem here is that you two haven't considered anything really beyond your own need to satisfy your own desires. This is going to get you into MANY problems that will probably end both relationships. You must love your boyfriend a lot to go out of your way to arrange a hook up.

    So where do you go from here. For the health and safety of all involved to need to come clean to your boyfriend and your friend needs to do the same with his girlfriend. After that you need to figure out what you want. Do you want your boyfriend or your old flame from school. You might be able to talk your boyfriend into a open relationship but I doubt it. You need to ensure that your old flame does the same. Make sure you talk to the woman. Chances are high that he's just thinking with his penis and he's going to go after all that he can.

    The reason you need to come clean is that your boyfriend can make informed decisions regarding his mental, physical, and sexual health.

    The other option is to write this off as a one time deal and stop talking to your old friend. Remove all temptation and move on. The problem is the cheating. Which you still need to come clean to your boyfriend with.
    Gettnunbuttheiz's Avatar
    Gettnunbuttheiz Posts: 38, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 19, 2014, 11:54 AM
    How old are yo? Not that it matters but just curious? Affairs only usually end up with a breakup... I probably would do like the last person said make it one time deal and stay away from the guy... is he in a relationship?
    kkato's Avatar
    kkato Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 19, 2014, 12:06 PM
    21 and yes he's in a relationship as well and yes I know it sounds bad I just don't want to loose him as a friend but now that sex involved its probably already to late
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,107, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Aug 19, 2014, 12:23 PM
    You went from long time friends to secret friends with benefits, but the issue is the secret part. Yes its cheating and needs to stop, so best now to cut the contact and never share beers with your play "brother". He ain't your brother any more for sure and is barely a friend since he suggested this whole secret thing.

    I don't think you should go along with HIS program seeing he wants you to be a lying cheater like he is. Once may be a drunken mistake, but you can't use that excuse a second time.

    Quote Originally Posted by kkato View Post
    21 and yes he's in a relationship as well and yes I know it sounds bad I just don't want to loose him as a friend but now that sex involved its probably already to late
    Probably????
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Aug 19, 2014, 12:23 PM
    "he said he won't get in the way of me and my boyfriend and this should be mutual when it comes to his girlfriend"

    How does that work exactly? You two slept with each other. That is very much getting in the way.

    I agree with Craven on the cheating thing. You two should really think before acting because there are other lives involved. The other lives involved in this deserve the truth.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Aug 19, 2014, 12:27 PM
    Maybe bring up that your boyfriend wants to sleep wth his girlfriend... you should both arrainge that... that way everyone is sleeping with everyone else.

    Maybe it would take that for the both of you to see where the real problem is.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #9

    Aug 19, 2014, 01:00 PM
    You may love your boyfriend but there are issues in the relationship if you can even contemplate playing games with your old friend. You are tempted and need to find out why. Fix the issues in your relationship or let it go. Do not try to fill a void with another person.

    Stay away from the 'friend'. He isn't one. He is not the person you thought he was and is playing you. That is not what a friend does. End the confusion. Break off all contact with him.

    I highly suggest getting tested and waiting for a month before having sex with your boyfriend again. If you were too buzzed and caught up in the feelings to think about consequences, you may not have properly used protection.

    Good luck getting your life and relationship back on track.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #10

    Aug 19, 2014, 03:15 PM
    I will agree, if you had sex with this friend, then where is the real love for your boyfriend. He most likely had the sex planned when he came over

    You need to put boyfriend first, if he really is that important. Saying no, to some person you had not seen for a long time should be easy, if you really love your boyfriend.
    Gettnunbuttheiz's Avatar
    Gettnunbuttheiz Posts: 38, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Aug 19, 2014, 04:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kkato View Post
    21 and yes he's in a relationship as well and yes I know it sounds bad I just don't want to loose him as a friend but now that sex involved its probably already to late.
    Have you always had feelings for the other guy? You said that you don't want to lose his friendship... I am a woman and when I have slept with a friend and then said I don't want to lose friendship it mean I really don't want to them due to I have feelings for them Does your boyfriend know that this guy was a friend from the past?
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #12

    Aug 19, 2014, 04:58 PM
    I see it as quite simple. If you truly love and respect your boyfriend, you end the relationship completely with the old friend... friendship included. Tell him it was a mistake to contact him and you will not respond if he tries to contact you. Block any way for him to contact you, even if it means changing your phone number.

    IF you are not totally committed to the relationship that you have with your boyfriend, let your boyfriend be aware of that.

    Either way, do not stay involved with this friend. Do you really want to be second choice? A plaything on the side? You could never trust him. Of course you may not care about those things... in that case have the decency to give consideration to his girlfriend and your boyfriend......whom you claim to love.

    Sometimes when other people are involved you have to stop thinking about yourself.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
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    #13

    Aug 19, 2014, 06:05 PM
    He said he won't get in the way of me and my boyfriend and this should be mutual when it comes to his girlfriend. He told me how he respects me and doesn't think of me any different and wants our friendship to stay the same.
    Open your eyes! If he really have been respected you then he should have felt very bad about what happen between you and him, and would have asked forgiveness even though you both were equally involved and would have gone and asked forgiveness from his own girlfriend too and kept pretty good distance form you rather then hanging around.
    The next day we talked about everything and it seems like he wants this to be an ongoing thing just between the two of us.
    This itself shows that he wants to just enjoy your body. The person who is not faithful with his own girlfriend, don't expect him that he will be nice with you always. He is grown up, so are you. People change! Don't entertain this kind of trash! Not only harmful for you and your BF relationship, but emotionally and physically harmful for you also. Don't be fooled with this old friend! Now you know what kind of person he is, so keep yourself protected form him.
    Luck0rN0t's Avatar
    Luck0rN0t Posts: 263, Reputation: 45
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    #14

    Sep 28, 2014, 12:06 AM
    "The other option is to write this off as a one time deal and stop talking to your old friend. Remove all temptation and move on." Best advice, In my opinion.

    Or, keep on pretending he is just a friend and that it won't happen again, then let it accidentally, on purpose, happen again (blame it on the wine this time)... and again... until you get caught and someone gets hurt. Then, you can feel really guilty and ashamed and add to your current BF's messed up view on women the rest of his life, help create more damaged goods for some other, undeserving woman in this world.

    Then, maybe you'll get an opportunity to be your "friends" NEW girlfriend if you're lucky... he sounds like a keeper... and then, be prepared to be cheated on by him, because that's what cheaters do. This sounds like old hat to him, not his first rodeo.

    "I called and he came over within 30 minutes after we hung up. I was expecting to just talk and catch up. By the way now I'm 21 and he's 23. We ended up buying some beer and got a little buzz going, then one thing lead to another, and we ended up having sex, but the complicated part is that we're both in relationships that were happy in." Let me sum this up, "Booty call: Answered."

    "Drinking made it less awkward and provided an excuse to feel less guilty about it. I didn't realize that when he showed up 30 minutes later and suggested we get some drinks that he had no plans of sex with me. We are both in relationships and are too scared to change that, because they are comfortable, but the excitement of this guy, "just for fun" is too good to pass up, besides, it won't hurt anyone else, no one knows and it doesn't really 'mean' anything, really"

    I believe that you feel a little guilty, but,
    "I feel very guilty because I do love my boyfriend. But I also had fun with this guy and don't know if I should see him again or cut it off right here. I still can't believe this happened especially because he was always like a brother to me. I got a good morning text from him today and I'm just so confused! Please Any suggestions or advice?" This is all B.S. You already know the answer and he was never "like a brother". You are lying to yourself. You are feeling the excitement of a new lust - and you are not showing any respect for the boyfriend you claim to love. You are feeding your ego and feeling flattered that this guy wanted to you, too.

    If you really want this type of thing, then grow up and do it right, just become swingers and like let your boyfriend and his girlfriend get in on the action too - like smoothy said.
    SamanthaLynn's Avatar
    SamanthaLynn Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #15

    Oct 9, 2014, 12:16 PM
    Well I think you should just cut it off right now and let it go. Probably if you had had the beer it would not have happened and if he got the beer he kind of knew it would so that's why it did. This whole thing plays into his court with really no consideration for you.
    Nope end it now before other people find out berry it in your mind and move on with your boyfriend whom you love. As long as he is treating you proper

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