[cyfi]

I'm 25, female and never dated or had a boyfriend having suffered from Social Anxiety for most of my life. I also have low self-esteem even though people used to say I'm cute/really pretty. (Don't hear that much anymore but that's probably because I don't go out, barely have any friends, and spend my days in the family business my sister and started which caters to children).

Anyway, my anxiety gets much worse around males, especially those I find attractive, which leads me to last Saturday - a few days ago. I was at work, and while on break I decided to go to a store not far from my own. I had been in there a few times in the past and bought things, so the middle-aged male store owner is quite familiar with me. We don't speak much, and he doesn't know my name but he recognizes me is what I mean. However, this time when I walked into the store I didn't see him behind the counter. Instead I saw this highly attractive young man around my age (25ish) I think I stood there a little dumbstruck for a moment because I was so caught off guard, and I'm sure I was staring at him with wide eyes as I do when I'm surprised.

Almost immediately I saw him smile, more to himself than me, and I was suddenly very nervous, feeling like I had made a fool of myself for being so awkward. I tried to play off my nervousness and asked him for the product I was looking for, but he stared at me and broke out once again in this secret smile I couldn't discern, making me so nervous that I had to look away so I could think straight and speak coherently about the product I needed.
He was confused by the product's description and that's when the store owner appeared from a back room. I asked him what I had asked the cute employee and the owner told me they didn't have what I was looking for. His attractive employee caught my attention again when he tried to offer me an alternative product. When I looked at him, he lowered his head and again had a strange secret grin. This made me feel more uncomfortable, like he was laughing at me inside. I thanked him but declined, I was really adamant on that particularly item, and left.

I was more than a little shook up when I left. It's still bothering me a lot, did he notice I found him attractive and was laughing at my nervousness? It makes me sad to think about since I can't control my reactions. I don't know what to make of it. Thoughts?

Have any of you ever experienced this? Or have you ever acted this way with someone, and what was the reason? Thanks.

[paraclete]

I would say the feeling was mutual, the guy was self conscious, intimidated even by an attractive girl. I don't think he was laughing at you, probably trying to think of something to say, and if he was confused a little embarrassed

[Jake2008]

You have suffered with social anxiety most of your life? I need to ask what are you doing about this, and is it a self-diagnosis on your part, or have you ever had treatment of any kind.

It is sad that at your age, you have never dated, and you're particularly anxious around men- even those you don't know, and sad that you never go out of your little circle.

There is much more to life yet you keep yourself away from the world. A simple stop into a store where a nice looking man is working, knocks you so off balance, when it should have simply been maybe surprise that the man normally working in the store wasn't there. It would have been logical to simply ask where Mr. So and So was.

It is impossible to know if the younger man was flirting with you, or your anxiety made him anxious, and he was a little unprepared on how to react to you! I doubt there was anything mean in what he did, which is another indicator that your over thinking the whole episode, is another red flag that you have some work to do on yourself.

If this anxiety is ruining your life, or your chances of meeting people, or socializing then I suggest you get help, and stick with a program that can have you face simple situations with a little more confidence.

[talaniman]

I can only guess you are over reacting to your own intense feelings at this time. Maybe not enough practice with interacting with your fellow humans(?). This probably has nothing to do with him, but more to do with you. Chances are you both may be a bit shy and awkward.

You shouldn't be afraid to explore and experiment in your world, and have fun doing it, as practice makes perfect. You get use to yourself and how to handle yourself in social settings... with your fellow humans. Don't you have friends your age that you can have some fun with?

True some are more socially comfortable than others, but confidence comes from actions and learning, even if you screw up sometimes. Everybody screws up sometimes. It's only a big a deal as you make it. Most just try again and do better. As an example, discussing the merits of a different product with a cute store clerk, even if you didn't buy it, would certainly be an opportunity to interact with a fellow human right?

So try it again, without the fear and overthinking. Bet you get comfortable, with him, and maybe yourself. Just takes a bit of courage and being friendly. Repeated small contact with people goes along way. Does your family business not involve engaging with customers making them feel comfortable? Same thing.

[joypulv]

'... like he was laughing at me inside.'

WHOA! You have more than anxiety and low self esteem. Or rather your low self esteem is off the charts. Sure, he might know he's attractive and gets a lot of stares from women, and be smiling to himself in recognition, but to think he's laughing at you is such an enormous leap into crushing defeat that I'm really worried for you. Please see a therapist, and use that story as one of your first examples of how insecure you are. And tell it to someone you trust outside of therapy too, hopefully your sister? Do you ever talk to her about how she thinks people in general view you, in terms of appearance and approachability?

[tickle]

I have to agree with paraclete, which is the simplest and most recognizeable reason for this person smiling, 'your secret smile'. He was confused and covering his confusion up with a smile. He just did not know what to say to you.

Yes, you do need help with reading expressions in a social setting.

Some children learn this easily and early, or some need cueing with prompts to enable them to recognize facial expressions for what they are.

[J_9]

You do realize that in many retail stores it is required for the employees to acknowledge customers with a smile or a greeting. Right?

[Homegirl 50]

You need to make yourself get out more and interact with people. This is over the top behavior. I doubt he was laughing at you.
You know the problem you have, it's now time to do something about it.

[cyfi]

You do realize that in many retail stores it is required for the employees to acknowledge customers with a smile or a greeting. Right?

Um, yes I do. Please believe that I'm intelligent enough to be able to distinguish an employee's smile of greeting, from someone who breaks out in a secret smile when staring at me.

[odinn7]

What, exactly, is this "secret smile" you keep talking about?

From what you have said, it sounds like he was shy and maybe embarrassed a little...I see nothing in any of this that makes me think he was secretly smiling and laughing at you. Guys can be shy and embarrassed to talk to girls too and this can cause them to be awkward. Girls don't have the corner on the market on this one.

[cyfi]

You need to make yourself get out more and interact with people. This is over the top behavior. I doubt he was laughing at you.
You know the problem you have, it's now time to do something about it.

I guess it's just harder to meet people nowadays. I run a small business with my family, and when we moved cities to be closer to our store I had to leave university before my final year. My business caters mainly to children, teens, and college aged girls generally. So I rarely interact with my peers never mind males my age whom I find attractive anymore. Hence my lack of exposure to them in the past few years. Thanks for your alternative view of this situation, it's hard to believe when someone just sort of breaks out smiling/grinning/laughing for no reason when interacting with me. I'll try not to let strangers behaviour towards me put me down so much.

I don't have money for traditional therapy, but a few months ago I began attending a free CBT therapy program at a local hospital (the wait time was about a year and a half). My last session is next week. It hasn't helped cure me 100% but it has helped in some aspects. Unfortunately it didn't help me much when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, dating, flirting, signs of attraction and the like. I still don't understand any of it and struggle with anxiety surrounding those issues.

[Homegirl 50]

You can leave the flirting alone for a while, just get comfortable with normal interactions. Do you like to read? You can join a reading group with both men and women. Do they have social clubs that are both sexes? Do things that will put you in the company of men. The more you interact on a normal bases the more comfortable you'll become.

[cyfi]

'... like he was laughing at me inside.'

WHOA! You have more than anxiety and low self esteem. Or rather your low self esteem is off the charts. Sure, he might know he's attractive and gets a lot of stares from women, and be smiling to himself in recognition, but to think he's laughing at you is such an enormous leap into crushing defeat that I'm really worried for you. Please see a therapist, and use that story as one of your first examples of how insecure you are. And tell it to someone you trust outside of therapy too, hopefully your sister? Do you ever talk to her about how she thinks people in general view you, in terms of appearance and approachability?

Hey there, unfortunately I don't have money for traditional therapy, but a few months ago I began attending a free CBT therapy program at a local hospital (the wait time was about a year and a half). My last session is next week. It hasn't helped cure me 100% but it has helped in some aspects. Unfortunately it didn't help me much when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, dating, flirting, signs of attraction and the like. Mostly because I've rarely interacted with attractive male peers my age after I left school 2 years ago to work. So I don't get much practice.

Unfortunately my therapist told me almost right away that she doesn't deal with issues surrounding depression, or self-esteem. That those issues would require a longer program, but she said that I can still apply tips from CBT to other issues. I'm still struggling with self-esteem and anxiety around people as can only be expected. It's discouraging to see progress in some aspects of myself. But not too much in my self-esteem or interactions of male interests.

My sister knows about my anxiety issues, not the full extent of it, but she knows. She doesn't know everything though, as it's not something I really talk about with her and honestly I'm not willing to lay out all my fears and insecurities to her for personal reasons.

> Do you ever talk to her about how she thinks people in general view you, in terms of appearance and approachability?

We've talked about it in passing, but she never has much to say on the matter.

[cyfi]

I would say the feeling was mutual, the guy was self conscious, intimidated even by an attractive girl. I don't think he was laughing at you, probably trying to think of something to say, and if he was confused a little embarrassed

Thanks so much for your answer. I appreciate your positive interpretation of this situation. I admit it's a habit of mine to assume people are thinking the worst of me when they stare at me, laugh/smile/grin unwarrantably when we interacting. I guess it's partly due to past experiences of being judged, and even bullied. It doesn't exactly go away and I've come to define nearly all attention as 'bad attention' unless the person literally goes out of their way to explain that they just thought I looked nice or something. Maybe he was a little embarrassed or intimidated. He seemed confident enough, and had no problem staring at me but it did seem like odd that he lowered his head and kind of laughed/smiled to himself for no reason. (In hindsight it seems like shy behaviour) Sometimes I forget others can be shy, nervous, etc. too.

I'll try to keep this in mind and not let this situation upset me so much anymore.

[cyfi]

I have to agree with paraclete, which is the simplest and most recognizeable reason for this person smiling, 'your secret smile'. He was confused and covering his confusion up with a smile. He just did not know what to say to you.

Yes, you do need help with reading expressions in a social setting.

Some children learn this easily and early, or some need cueing with prompts to enable them to recognize facial expressions for what they are.

Well, he broke into that secret smile before I even said anything other than hi, so he wouldn't have been confused yet. This is why I knew that he was smiling due to something about me. Maybe he thought I looked funny, or maybe he actually *was* attracted, which would have been flattering. But I've never been very confident in myself or my appearance so I never assume any guy really likes what he sees when he looks at me. I guess my outlook is negative, but I also think it's realistic. Lately I'm not sure though. I definitely feel like I could use help in this area but I'm not sure how to go about this help. It doesn't matter how many articles I read, or books, or even guys who show interest in me. I still can't tell when guys are attracted to me. They're hard for me to read. It's discouraging, and I don't doubt I'll end up alone. I'm doing a pretty good job so far.

[cyfi]

I can only guess you are over reacting to your own intense feelings at this time. Maybe not enough practice with interacting with your fellow humans(?). This probably has nothing to do with him, but more to do with you. Chances are you both may be a bit shy and awkward.

I interact with people daily. However, my business' target market is predominantly female. With a fair amount of males who are children or teenagers. Of course, their parents are also customers I deal with much of the time too.

I still struggle all the time but I can deal with the aforementioned people for the most part. After I was forced to leave university when I moved cities, and started working full time I no longer deal with my male peers, especially not those I find attractive and so I have far less experience with them. Literally every encounter takes me by surprise, makes my heart race and increases my anxiety to an uncomfortable level.

You shouldn't be afraid to explore and experiment in your world, and have fun doing it, as practice makes perfect. You get use to yourself and how to handle yourself in social settings... with your fellow humans. Don't you have friends your age that you can have some fun with?

I wish I wasn't. I don't have much time as I'm often working in my business but even when I do have spare time I don't know anywhere I would meet guys. Sometimes people say "join a club" but that's such a cope out answer. I'm not very sporty, so I don't have many options. Or are there other places besides clubs to meet guys? I've lived in this city for 2 years, and don't have any friends here unfortunately.

Most just try again and do better. As an example, discussing the merits of a different product with a cute store clerk, even if you didn't buy it, would certainly be an opportunity to interact with a fellow human right?

It's harder for me to bounce back from my social blunders unfortunately. I punish myself in my mind very harshly and it sometimes leads to weeks/months of depression. Some things that happened years ago still make me cringe in shame. I wasn't really thinking or prepared for that kind of interaction that day, I was more focused on the product since it was an emergency. But for sure, that would otherwise have been an opportunity. Doubt I would have been brave enough anyway but who knows?

So try it again, without the fear and overthinking. Bet you get comfortable, with him, and maybe yourself. Just takes a bit of courage and being friendly. Repeated small contact with people goes along way. Does your family business not involve engaging with customers making them feel comfortable? Same thing.

I won't be going back there, at least for quite a while, but I thank you for your advice anyway. Maybe in the future, I'll get a chance like that again and practice.

[joypulv]

Since you write well, and described the interaction in a way that I felt I could 'see,' I'm going to give you my first, instant impression: he's not shy but was pleased and flattered by your girlishness. He probably gets tons of women who are coy, fake, affected, or who jump right into flirting and being forward.
In other words, you might be a breath of fresh air!

I'm sorry I was so shocked by what I felt was such low opinion of yourself. I mean, I'm still concerned, but I was totally unhelpful. It's possible that we as a group can be helpful in positive ways.

[cyfi]

You have suffered with social anxiety most of your life? I need to ask what are you doing about this, and is it a self-diagnosis on your part, or have you ever had treatment of any kind.

Hey there, I was diagnosed but I've always known I had it. A few months ago I began attending a free CBT therapy program at a local hospital (the wait time was about a year and a half). My last session is next week. It hasn't helped cure me 100% but it has helped in some aspects. Unfortunately it didn't help me much when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, dating, flirting, signs of attraction and the like. Mostly because I've rarely interacted with attractive male peers my age after I left school 2 years ago to work. So I don't get much practice. [/QUOTE]

It is sad that at your age, you have never dated, and you're particularly anxious around men- even those you don't know, and sad that you never go out of your little circle.

It is sad, downright depressing actually. I'm okay with being alone sometimes, in fact I enjoy it. But I don't like feeling lonely as often as I do. I'd like to have a choice. I've cried more than I care to admit over the way my life is right now. I've started to face the reality that I will most likely end up by myself in life, because I just can't seem to crack the code of relationships, flirting and attraction. It's very hard to accept but I think I'd be happier if I didn't fight it so much.

It is impossible to know if the younger man was flirting with you, or your anxiety made him anxious, and he was a little unprepared on how to react to you! I doubt there was anything mean in what he did, which is another indicator that your over thinking the whole episode, is another red flag that you have some work to do on yourself.

If this anxiety is ruining your life, or your chances of meeting people, or socializing then I suggest you get help, and stick with a program that can have you face simple situations with a little more confidence.

Well, I don't know what to say. I couldn't control my initial reaction. I freeze when I'm nervous/caught off guard. It's like my flight or fight response. I can't change this. So if I made him nervous I'm sorry but it's not like I could do anything about that. I AM working on myself. I've always ever been a work in progress, before therapy, during and even after. I know it has to do with not feeling good enough, so there's no need to tell me to work on myself. (Sorry if that came off a certain way, but you have no idea how hard or long I've been working on me only to hear a stranger tell me to do more. As if I wasn't.)

My program is nearly finished. I don't have the financial means of traditional therapy so this is it for now. Mind you, I've been wanting to do something to involve myself more with others, hopefully more male peers because I have such trouble talking to them. But I can't think of anything or any place I could meet them besides bars and clubs, and I don't want to go that route if I can help it.

[talaniman]

You have already met a guy in a safe situation but you freaked. And are afraid to go back. You want good clean adult fun? Then find something adult to do that meets your interest. You never know that girl in the library book club may have a brother or cousin or male friend. You never know unless you try stuff so make a list of activities to explore. Having fun heals old wounds too.

Make some friends and the rest will fall into place. Not just guys, but girls too. Get out of the box you have built for yourself. Life is a journey, not an event to be avoided, so put some effort into this. Things get better when you work to make it better.

[Homegirl 50]

Do a book club. Do you have hobbies, girlfriends you can do things with, go places with? The more you get out the more likely you are to meet others and the more comfortable you'll become.